My last letter...

I don't know what's happened in the last 6 months. You went from loving me to hating me in a matter of days. I've racked my brain trying to figure it out... but I don't know what it is. All I know is that you dropped me like a bag of rocks, and you never looked back. And I can't explain to you how difficult that is for me. 

Ever since that night you first kissed me, I have been hopelessly in love with you. HOPELESSLY. Even now, I think of you every night before I fall asleep. I don't even mean to do it. I roll over, cuddle up to my body pillow, and I pretend that its you. Tess saw me do it one night while I was half asleep. We think its funny now... but its true. I'm in love with you. I start crying out of the blue some days, just because I miss you. I'm sad because I miss you. You were the one I loved. I don't know that I'll ever love someone like I loved you. I'll be lucky to love someone half as much. 

It kills me to know that you hate me. It tears me apart when I read texts that tell me to stay away from you... to stay out of your life... unless I want to get the crap kicked out of me by you and your friends. It killed me to have to call the cops that night. But I was genuinely scared. For myself, but for Mande and Tyler too... because its anyone's common sense that if I'm going to be in Cedar City, I'm going to be with Mande and Tyler. I was scared that you were going to hurt me... not just emotionally, but physically this time...

I love you so much. So much that it hurts. And I wonder if you do too. I wonder if you're looking up at the same star as I am. Or watching the same TV show as I am... or reading the same book as I am. I wonder if you still love me. I don't think you do. Every time I read the texts... every hateful word. Every hurtful word. It rips me apart. And you can't see it. You have no idea. Right now... all I can do is cry. I hate myself for loving you so much. I HATE MYSELF! Do you understand this?? There has not been a day where the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The thought that my world is a lesser place without you in it. I've thought about driving down to Cedar and showing up on your door... knocking on every door til I find the right one. I've thought about every possible way to get you back. I'd do anything for you. Anything. I miss you, baby. I miss you so much. All I want in my life is you. 

But you won't ever see this. And you won't ever take me back. So this is my last letter to you. I love you. I really hope you can see that. I love you. I love you so much. Just don't hate me anymore. Please...

What happens when you threaten someone.........

You get the cops called on you. Plain and simple. Sorry Missy... but when you tell me that you and your friends are going to kick my ass if you ever see me, is not exactly what I call "fun and games". Have fun with your assault charge. 

Wintervention

Last year's Warren Miller Film is called Wintervention. Johnny Mosely narrates, and he's hosting a fake radio show for a "crisis hotline" where the Warren Miller athletes call in and talk about their addictions. Their addictions to snow. 

It's hilarious. It makes me laugh, because there are so many people like that in the world! I'm definitely one of them. I'm going to go through some major withdrawals this season because I'm not going to have 60 days on snow like I did last winter. My goggle tan line is going to be pathetic, and I'm going to feel like a pansy only being on the mountain once a week (sometimes twice depending on my days off) instead of 5-6 days a week. Its going to be sad, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. 

My name is Ellen. I'm a skier in Salt Lake City. And I'm a ski-aholic. I'm in need of a wintervention.

Oh, and Johnny Mosely, you are more than welcome to come to Salt Lake and implement the wintervention :)

Well here we go again

I got an apartment today. It's up in the Avenues, right across the street from LDS Hospital. I'm in the Ensign YSA Ward, and right next to the City Creek YSA Ward that I was in earlier this year. Which is pretty funny, but what's funnier is that I went to that ward this Sunday thinking it was the City Creek ward. I laughed when I realized that :)

Its the cutest little house, and the 2 girls are just absolutely amazing. They are both LDS, and it's important to them that I am too. Which will be a good motivator for me to stay active in the Church, and stay on the straight and narrow. Which is going to be good for me. And I need that. :) The room is cuter than a button... a little small, but it is super cute, and everything is wonderful. I get along with both of the girls, we have a bunch in common, and we enjoy talking about a bunch of things. I'll be moving in at the middle of the month, and its going to be amazing :) I'm excited. I can't wait to move in. And I can't wait to move back downtown. Its going to be the greatest thing ever!

That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Another letter you'll never read.

I miss you. I want you're arms around me every moment of everyday. I can't stop thinking about you. It seems like every 5 minutes, there is something that reminds me of you. Hell... it seems like everything reminds me of you in one way or another. It's hell. It is absolute hell. And I'm still in love with you. How pathetic am I? It's sad ya know? Loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving someone so much, that I can't fall asleep without thinking about you. Loving someone so deeply, that it took over a part of you... and now that part is missing... and you feel empty and cold inside. Its pathetic.