30 June 2011

Chocolate can heal all wounds... but scars still remain.

I have the best guy in the world right now. He knew that I was having a hard day from last night, and he came over, and he brought over his homemade chocolate pretzels. And by homemade, I mean it. He spent an hour or so making them for me, and then brought them to me. And then stayed for an hour an watched Mythbusters with me, and then did some magic tricks for Abby. So he's gained her trust, which makes me know that he is a good guy. Because she is so intuitive, and she knows who's good and who's bad. She's telling me that he's a good man. And he's the kind of guy I can see myself marrying. Which, for the record, scares the hell outta me. But its true. 

And the chocolate helped with my bad day... it really did. The chocolates were flippin amazing, and he was flippin amazing... because he cared enough to bring them to me. But the chocolate didn't heal everything. I'm still hurt, and I'm still upset. I talked to Tess, and she said that I should write a letter to Christine... a letter that I won't ever give to her, because its not for her, its for me. Its for me to get all my words and anger out, so when I actually talk to her, I won't say something stupid that I'll regret. But if we're being honest... all writing that letter did was make me mad. And now all I want to do is scream at her. Which isn't good. Because once I start yelling... I don't stop.

29 June 2011

My life is ridiculous right now... I hate my life right now...

I'm just gonna get right down to the chase... because nothing's gonna matter anymore from this. Not to mention that I can't vent about this to anyone... not to Tess, because its also her best friend, not to Missy, because I might as well me dead to her, and not to Christine, because she's the one being a b****.

I had a fantastic day today. I slept in, went to the aviary with Abby, went and hung out with Tessie and Pixie, ate pizza and ice cream, AND I played softball... got hit in the ankle by a line drive, but it doesn't matter, because I had a wonderful day! And then we decide to go see Transformers 3 in 3D at midnight. Awesome right? That's what I thought. Tess calls Christine and Todd to see if they want to come, and they do. I also invited Ben, the boy I'm dating, because I knew that this was a movie that he would enjoy.

Well... they get here, and we take their car because they get the best gas mileage, and they could fit all of us in their car. We get going, and I'm talking, and all of a sudden, Christine calls out, "Ellen! You're talking really loud!". I had no idea... my voice naturally projects... I know this... but I had no idea that it was loud right then. I shut up. I stop talking, and when I do decide to open my mouth, I make sure I'm dead quiet. We start talking about Friday Night Lights... and Tessie accidentally told me something about the show I hadn't seen yet, and Christine yelled at us about it. Tess could tell I was upset, even Andy could tell I was upset. Once we got to the theater, everyone got out of the car, and we started walking towards the theater, but Christine didn't get out of the car. Todd waited for her, but me and Tess honestly didn't know she wasn't right behind us. She looked pretty upset about it. Once we got into the theater and met up with Ben, and were getting towards our seats, I noticed Ben wasn't behind me, he was behind Todd, and Christine. So I stepped far out of the way, so they could go in, and so I could sit next to Ben. My date. And she looked at me like I was the worst person in the world, and rose her voice, in the theater... in front of I don't know how many people, and told me to "just go" and had Ben stumble in after me... I honestly looked at Tess, and said that if she yells at me one more time, that I'd shoot her. And I wasn't kidding... I was so upset...

After the movie, we were walking out, and I asked Ben for a ride home.
  1. Because it just didn't make sense to have Christine drive us all out to Taylorsville, and then have Tess drive me back out to downtown to take me home.
  2. Because I sure as heck was NOT going to sit in that car with the awkward silences, and the big elephant in the room, and know that it has everything to do with me...
I told him that I would need to get my bag out of the car, and she apparently overheard that, because when I told her that I needed to get my bag, she said, "yeah, I heard you.". Didn't turn around. Didn't look at me. And sure as heck didn't say it quietly. I just cut myself off. Stopped in my tracks. Got my bag, and left. I kept my cool for Ben. But the second I walked in my front door, I broke down. Just let all the tears, and anger go. I tried calling Tess, but she didn't answer... I've cried all night. 

The thing about it, is that I have absolutely no idea what I have done to hurt her. None whatsoever. She won't talk to me. She won't look at me. I'm scared of her right now... and I'm so scared that I'm on my way to losing another really great friend within the last 2 months... I like to think sometimes that I have a pretty strong little ego... but not when it comes to this... Because if I lose her too... I don't know what I would do....

I'm lonely. I'm lonely, I'm hurt, and I'm lost. 

25 June 2011


I'm in a brand new town. With brand new people. I'm in a city with 1,130,293 people in it... and a week after I move here, I got dropped by my best friend, Missy... for reasons I keep to myself, because I don't know how to understand them, much less explain them to anyone else. She introduced me to 3 people. Of those 3 friends she introduced me to, before she threw me to the dogs, one is amazing, I couldn't hid that if I tried with all my heart and soul. She is a fantastic friend, and she will be blessed a thousand times over. Another doesn't know I exist because he is so entangled in his own Hollywood good looks and award winning charm. So I've stopped trying. And the last has admitted that she really doesn't want me around.

I love Christine. She can be a fantastic friend. She's helped me move, she's helped me smile when I couldn't remember how, and she's been one of the greatest role models I have, of how to be the best Latter-day Saint woman I can be. And yet, she can get in a mood, and she can be mean, and rude, and tear me down like a Jenga Tower. She's told Tess that if she knows that I'll be hanging out with them, that she probably won't be too talkative. She's been wanting to talk to me about some things... she asked Tess to not tell me, and I respect that.  But I don't know what I've done to hurt her. I don't know what I've done to offend her. I just don't know what I've done. And it hurts.

She also has said that she can't trust me based upon my past... a past that she had nothing to do with. A past that she's only heard about through Missy... someone who stabbed me in the back. She needs to get to know me, from me. Not from anyone else. And she won't give me the opportunity to show her how amazing I can be. Because I can be an awesome person. I've made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes everyday. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I am working so hard to be a worthy member of the Church, and to keep a recommend. But I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I feel so awful about myself when I feel like someone is judging me based on the past... when they haven't seen the present.

Well... that's enough of my ranting... I'm just frustrated. And I'm probably over thinking everything... I hope I'm over thinking this. Because I don't think I can take losing another friend right now... my life is too unstable to lose one more person that means something to me. Because she means something to me.

20 June 2011

We all need a little happiness...

I've had a crappy day... I decided to not go to church this morning... I was tired, and feeling lazy, so I decided I would be better off without today. WRONG! Pretty much the stupidest decision of my week. Not to mention that I missed out on flirting with the hot, sexy, man candy, Australian boy from my ward... that alone probably would have improved my day. ;) So instead, I moped around most of the day til Tess made my day by taking me out and taking pictures, and riding around on my scooter downtown. And then I played a joke on Tess... by taking her up City Creek Canyon, and turned down a dark alley, and turned off my lights. She was not amused... :)

But I found some fun jokes on the internet and in magazines that I thought I'd share... here goes...
  • One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned. :)
  • Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly says, "I don't believe you." "It's true," insists Daisy. "No bull." :)
  • A young guy who's never picked up a golf club decides to take lessons. The pro shows him the basics, then says, "Okay, now try to hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice tees off and drives the ball 300 yards. It lands on the green, just inches from the hole. "Now what?" he says. "Uh," stammers the pro, "you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." The beginner says, "Now you tell me." :)
  • Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose nametag reads "Beautiful." "Is that really your name?" I asked her. "No," she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like." :)
  • Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine announced they have found a cure for baldness in mice. This is great news. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a mouse with a comb-over.
  • A colleague's band performed in a park before an audience that gradually dwindled down to one lone man. After pounding out more songs, one of the tired musicians finally suggested to the music lover that if he left, they could all go home. "Do whatever you want," said the man. "I'm just waiting around so I can put away the chairs." :)
  • A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer. :)
  • A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on. :)
  • Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence. Cops are looking into it. :)
Clear, concise headline are imperative to good news reporting. So what were the newspaper editors thinking when they printed these?
  • Dead Man Ignored Police Officer (Scottsdale Arizona Republic)
  • County Invited to Waste Day Planning Meeting (Oceana's [Michigan] Herald-Journal)
  • Terror Leader in Iraq Declares War on Tape
Hope those brightened your day... they sure brightened mine.

There is one more thing to share however... I read PostSecret like crazy... I LOVE IT! But there was one particular one this week that was amazing... and it describes me to a T.

I'm Mormon, and I still think for myself. I do. I am free thinking, and I have my own opinions. So many people who are not members of the Church believe that we are a cult, and that everyone is forced to think and believe a certain way. And that just is not the case... The Church influences my opinions, and many times, I have the same opinion as the Church. But I still make my own opinions. I exercise my agency. C'mon... I'm a political science major for crying out loud! I'm about as opinionated as anyone can be! And I'm opinionated about EVERYTHING!!! :) I love it.... and it sure isn't changing anytime soon!

16 June 2011

Here we go again...

Well, here we are again! I've decided to write a blog again... we'll see how well it works this time :) 

So... a lot has happened in the last few months. I moved from Cedar City to Salt Lake City... I live in the Aves and its pretty much the most legit neighborhood this city has ever seen! :) My truck died, so I bought a scooter... pretty much the most awesome decision I have ever made. It has fantastic gas milage... about 70mpg, and it gives me the greatest adrenaline rush... I no longer have any reason to be unhappy, because that thing is a natural high! I'm not playing co-ed slow-pitch softball this summer, but I am playing on a fast-pitch team.... heck to the YES!! I moved into the boundaries of the City Creek YSA ward, so far it seems to be a pretty awesome ward... largely credited to a very attractive Australian boy... complete with a hot, sexy, accent... ;) And I have a cat... well, he's not mine officially, but he might as well be... he sleeps in my room, and follows me around everywhere :) His name is Frank, and he looks like an ewok. Tess and I call him Frank the Tank, the famous Ewok Kitty :)

I'm starting at the University of Utah this fall, and I'm super excited about it. Better school, better program, and better job and internship opportunities. Yep... its sweet :)

Yeah... I've got nothing else to report. Sorry.