02 August 2012

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?