There. I said it. Out of my system.
The problem is that I didn't know how to go. And trust me... it's a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than convincing the bishop and stake president to sign a piece of paper, and then driving to one of the four temples in the Salt Lake Valley.
I'm a Mormon. I'm a Mormon who's a Democrat, an intellectual, and a feminist, and a lesbian. That right there just put four road blocks down my path to "spiritual enlightenment", and I have no idea how to reconcile it. I'm the danger in President Boyd K. Packer's imfamous quote, "The dangers I speak of come from the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement (both of which are relatively new), and the ever-present challenge from the so-called scholars or intellectuals."
The biggest road block is easily the fact that I'm gay. I believe that the Church has got it wrong on homosexuality. Like the Church's new policy on race, I believe that the denial of full fellowship to LGBT members is coming from a place of privileged bigotry. I have had personal revelation from God that tells me very plainly that I was born gay, and that it was absolutely something God intended. I was gay in the premortal existence, I'm gay in morality, and I will be gay hereafter. Easy peasy. But I can't be dishonest. Because I have had sex with a woman *gasp*, I need to go through the repentance process. Am I ok repenting for sex before marriage? Yes. Am I ok repenting for having sex with a woman, and promise to never do it again? Absolutely not!! I simply can't do that with good conscience. However, in the Bishop's eyes... this is a "cut and dry" example of not being repentant of my sins. And BAM. No recommend. No temple. And possibly a form of formal/informal Church discipline. No bueno.
But all of these concerns are things that are real to me. I have severe concerns, and disbelief about the Church's positions on homosexuality, and the ordination of women to the Priesthood. I have serious concerns about the Church's teachings to our Young Women about modesty, and how they are responsible for the "pure thoughts" of the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood holders. I have serious concerns about the Church's lack of transparency about it's history. I have concerns about the Church's "worship" of Joseph Smith, and his portrayal of the most perfect man who's ever lived, when in truth, while inspired and called of God, he was a man with many flaws. I have doubts! And simply "doubting my doubts" isn't cutting it. They are not going to go away.
And yet the temple pulls at me. Everything aches when I drive past... knowing that everyone else around me can go in, and I can't. I've tried to ignore it. I've put it out of my mind, telling myself that it's simply something I won't get to have in this life. But I shouldn't have to resign myself to the fact that I can't go! Do I feel worthy? Yes! I respect my fellow brothers and sisters. I strive to do good in my day to day life. I help when I can. I pay my tithing into the Book of Mormon fund, and the general missionary fund. I sustain the leadership of the Church. I read my Sciptures and say my prayers. I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in my life, nor have I ever stopped feeling it. I know that I am worthy.
But it's up to 2 men to decide if I am. And I don't think that they'll rule in my favor.
Not to start anything, but I'm pretty sure the only thing holding you back is the fact that you're a lesbian. Democrats, feminists, and intellectuals are all allowed.. (many of the church leaders who hold high positions are, in fact, intellectuals, as I'm sure you know).
ReplyDeleteOh that I know... but I've gotten a talking to before from expressing liberal views in Church, even when they have nothing to do with politics. Speaking out about absurd modesty rhetoric, the declaration that the only way to be a good mom is to be a stay at home mom, speaking out about the mistreatment of LGBT people in the Church, questioning obviously false Church History, etc. I've been pulled aside by priesthood leadership, as well as other members.
DeleteSo yes, "feeling the feelings of a feminist, intellectual, and Democrat" are allowed, just as long as you don't act on them. Sound familiar? ;)
Ellen, Call me. I will receive a block call so I won't have your number.
DeleteBeing a former Bishop, former State Representative, and still a high priest and a democrat. I feel I can connect with you, and share some thought with you.
Neil Hansen
801-393-1514
You can be a lesbian and go to the temple. That's not one of the TR questions.
DeleteHow about being a lesbian, and in a relationship? With another woman? Being married to that woman?
DeleteMaybe. Although I know a lot of people who are feminists, intellectuals, and democrats--- and they do just fine at church. But what I'm really wondering is, why, if all of these things don't add up to something that is uplifting and fulfilling to you, would you continue to pursue it? If you disagree with fundamental teachings of a religion, perhaps it's not what you need? Not saying that you can't keep doing what you are doing, I just know that for me-- the darkest times in my life were when I was fighting against the LDS church. I feel that for me it was the right thing and I know that God knows my heart-- I feel like I can be a much more productive member of society by living my life in such a way that allows for me to be myself and to help others. Your posts seem so conflicting, depressing, and angry; why not just live a life that makes you happy?
ReplyDeleteSorry if that came off wrong-- I believe you should be able to fight for whatever you want. I guess I just hope you know that life is pretty wonderful once you are able to let go of all the bullshit. :D
DeleteI know how you meant it :) You're not my staff member anymore Jill, I don't hate you anymore ;)
DeleteI've let go of all the bullshit. There are things that I simply do not believe to be from God. I stay in the Church, because through the imperfections, it's still the place for me. The members drive me nuts, but this is still my home. I just can't leave when I know that there is something here for me that I need.
LOL...thank God I'm not your "staff" anymore. Worst ever. haha
ReplyDeleteBut, all things aside, I'm glad you're doing what you know you need to do (I'm just glad it's not me)! ha. Life is pretty good and there are SO many wonderful people in the world-- don't let the ignorant bastards bring you down. :D
It's kind of odd now that you mention it. I don't identify as LDS anymore. I feel more post LDS than anything else. But I am really happy where I am and with what I'm doing. But I still have a limited use Temple recommend from my homeward bishop. And it is still sitting in my wallet. I know I wouldn't use it and that I wouldn't be qualified as worthy. But there is an amazing serenity in the Temple that aside from high mountain tops and deep forests, I haven't felt commonly elsewhere. It is a really strange idea for me. Especially since for a majority of my life I could go when ever I wanted, notably since moving to Utah. But suddenly that's no longer the case.
ReplyDeleteI feel a similar pain in a rather disconnected kind of way. I guess I would have to identify myself as a gay ally. I have walked in Pride and talked about it in Sacrament meeting. The big mistake with that was that the Stake President was on the pew that day. He required I meet with him for my temple recommend interview, then proceeded to grill me for an hour and a half. The interview would have gone on, but he was interrupted by his counselor. That was a year and a half ago. In all other ways I am worthy, but my support of LGBT folks has run up against a Stake President whose "theme" for his administration is The Family, A Proclamation to the World. A mission buddy of mine said it sometimes is Priesthood Leadership roulette in the Church if you fall into any of Packer's big three threats. Hang in there. I feel, like you, that times are changing. Something is moving in the Church. It may be that certain of the church leadership may have to pass away before progress can be made. (see David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism regarding Harold B. Lee's statement about blacks and the priesthood) In the meantime, know that there are Saints who would love to help you shoulder your burden, who will reach out in love, and who will cry with you in the dark nights of your soul.
ReplyDeleteIf you are unmarried and refrain from sex then you can answer truthfully. If not go get married and answer truthfully. I see no reason that you should be denied access to a Temple recommend if you are worthy to enter. In my opinion being gay isnt a reason to keep you out. Not one question asks if you are gay! The church needs to open its hearts and doors to all! Tired of seeing signs at all Temples that read " Everyone Welcome" thats a lie. Gays are not welcome! My son will no longer attend and my husband and I gave up our recommend..... once pur son can attend the Temple we will once again go! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure someone has said this to you before, but as a person who went through the temple on my 20th birthday and wedding day, I would do anything to go back and save myself the years of depression that resulted from it. Were you to go through today as I did, you would first be given Initiatory blessings that are given for the express purpose of serving your husband. Not God, your husband. Then, in the endowment you would be blamed for the fall of man and "inasmuch as you were the first" (do to what everyone knows was right) you become separated from the Lord and your job is to obey your husband, again, not the Lord. And last, you'd be given away as a commodity in the sealing.
ReplyDeleteAll that caused me to loose so much weight because of vomiting that I didn't mind when my hair fell out and I couldn't go out anymore. I needed the healing of denying it had ever happened to me.
Maybe this "no" right now is to save you from what the other women experience, until the temple rites can become less toxic.
I understand that while you might not be able to go in the temple you can still go to the temple. I can't go now either, but the grounds are peaceful and stunning beautiful. Why don't you try going there first? Great place to think.
ReplyDeleteNot to rain on your parade, but I personally don't think the temple is all that it's cracked up to be. It's nice and you certainly can have good experiences, but realize that it isn't completely life-changing. To me, it's just more of the older people in their place of "privileged bigotry" since 80% of the workers and patrons are the elderly. To me, you are much more developed as a person because of you're ability to question, doubt, wonder, and think. You are beautiful and unique and don't let a church try to tell you that you aren't by deeming you "unworthy."
ReplyDeleteThe temples are beautiful buildings, to be sure. And there is a certain kind of peace that comes from being in that kind of environment where quite introspection is so encouraged. But at the same time, large parts of the endowment are extremely troubling to feminists. The experience could be very different than the ideal that you are holding on to.
ReplyDelete