Utah State Senate Testimony Session

Today I attended an after hours "session" of the Utah State Senate. There were about 40 members of the Utah House and Senate present, and more than 300 people present representing the LGBT community and their loved ones. This was the first public conversation between our state's legislators and the Utah LGBT community where they had an opportunity to meet people in our community, and to see us as constituents rather than a charade of smoke and mirrors.

I was asked by Equality Utah to prepare a statement to read at the session. In the end, I wasn't chosen to testify at the meeting, but being there to hear the testimonies of the courageous men and women, as well as the reactions of the legislators, meant the entire world to me. To see the tears from Senator Luz Robles, and Representative Jen Seelig, and to hear the sincere words of love and community from these men and women. 

The highlight of the evening for me, was Lieutenant Governor Spencer Cox. This man had to leave in the middle of the meeting to give a speech at a conference downtown. No one would have thought less of him if he didn't come back... hell, no one could have possibly known if he would have had enough time to come back. But he came back to listen to us. And that has left a lasting impression on me.

At the end of the meeting, I was able to meet Lt. Gov. Cox. He came up to myself and the woman I was speaking to, to introduce himself personally. He had tears in his eyes as he expressed his regret that he had to leave, and miss out on our stories. It was at this moment, that I pulled out my typed testimony from my bag, and I handed it to him. I told him that there was no greater respect he could have shown to us than to come back to the meeting. It proved that the conversation was important enough for him to come back and understand. 

I could not have asked for a more understanding group of men and women to share my experiences with. Because I didn't have the opportunity to testify publicly, I'm publishing my prepared testimony here. People need to hear our stories and our experiences. No one should live in fear in this state. Ever.
___________________________________________________

My name is Ellen Koester. I’m 24 years old, and I consider myself to be a pretty normal person. I play the piano, ride a motorcycle, and make the world’s best spaghetti and meat sauce. I take my dog for walks, I spend way too much time on Facebook, and I only ski on the best snow on earth. But simply, I’m me! I’m a full time student, a lesbian and, most importantly, I am an active Latter Day Saint.

In 2009, I was a 19 year old freshman attending Southern Utah University in Cedar City, Utah. I was a newly baptized member of the LDS Church, and at semester’s end, I started looking for housing and employment off campus. I soon found that my bishop was a landlord with apartments for rent, and my stake president was looking for another employee for the summer. Both welcomed me with open arms, and I considered myself to be a responsible tenant and a hard working employee.

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I was gay, but when I joined the Church, I became hesitant and scared to tell other people. But one day, about a year later, I decided to confide in a roommate about the struggles, and feelings of internal contention I was having. My roommate was less than compassionate, and the next day I received a call from the bishop letting me know that the apartment I had called home would cease to be home in 48 hours. The next day, when I went into work, I was immediately pulled into my supervisor’s office, and told to pack my things.

I was blindsided. I felt betrayed, because I had not violated the contract of my lease, nor had I violated any workplace policies. When I started looking into the legality of what had happened, I was certain that I would find protection in the Civil Rights Act, and in laws passed by the state. But where I found protection for race, color, sex, religion, national origin and disability, I found that protection of sexual orientation was nowhere to be found. I was 20 years old, and I was completely alone.

In the Gospel of John, in chapter 13, verse 34 we read these words, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you.” From these words we learn that because we are all children of God, we are to love each other, and see each other as if we were looking through God’s eyes. From the official Church website, mormonsandgays.org, we hear Elder Quentin L. Cook say, “[L]et us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach to those and lets not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender. I’m sorry, I feel very strongly about this as you can tell. I think it’s a very important principle.”

Senators, I want to thank you for the time you have spent here today, and for coming together with our community to find love and understanding. It is only by standing together that we will find great opportunity for tomorrow.

Just Be There

A couple of months ago I went to BYU in Provo, to help with a video that USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) was shooting about suicide awareness among LGBT Mormons, especially those at BYU. Although I am not a BYU student, I went and participated, because this is something that I have dealt with in the past, and it's something that is important to me. Suicide rates are high among LGBT teens and young adults, and even more so when they come from conservative religious backgrounds. It needs to stop.

Stories like these, and talks like the one given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland in General Conference, will help us on this journey. Things are changing.

Without further ado....

Journey To Gay (Part 2)

When I started writing this, I intended it to be in just one post. But after looking at how long it got, I decided to split it in two.

When I moved to Utah at age 17, I was going through some major therapy (as to why is a whole other story). It was a good and bad experience, but honestly, I do not look back on it fondly. It destroyed my self esteem, I learned that I was wrong about just about everything, and right about virtually nothing. My mother, with whom I've never had a good relationship with, would not write letters to me, or speak on the phone. Our relationship never recovered. Nor did my relationship with the rest of my family.

But it was here, at my lowest point in life, that I finally recognized what I was. I finally recognized that I was gay. I craved an emotional, physical, and sexual connection to women... Not men. And it scared me, because at the time, I had a very conservative therapist, who I already did not like, or trust, so how could I possibly tell her my biggest secret? I remember the entire experience felt like a fight or flight... I simply had to survive. And there was no way in hell that I was going to tell her something that could potentially lengthen my stay. No way.

After that experience, I was released from my cage, and into the world of college. I was at Southern Utah University which is in no way a big school, or a party school, but it felt that way to me! I had 5 roommates in the dorm, and every single one of them is Mormon. Here is where my Mormon experience starts. I read the Book of Mormon, and I had the lessons with the missionaries. This was the first time that I had heard anything about homosexuality not being ok. And the Elders did a fantastic job at explaining it... They said nothing bad about gay people, or that they were damned to hell. They simply explained the Law of Chastity, that sexual relations were only allowed in marriage, and that marriage was between a man and a woman only. At this point, I was beginning to form a testimony, and I wasn't going to question it... This was the first time that I had ever felt the Spirit like that. And it felt right, and true. 

As I gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I read passages about God healing afflictions, and that He will bless me. I believed that, and I still do. But I foolishly thought that I could be fixed. Wrong. In my baptismal interview I was asked about homosexual activity, not feelings. So I answered his questions honestly. I got baptized and was on top of the world. I was happy.

I continued to date men... And no one really was able to fit the bill for me. One guy, Mike, came the closest... Still no fireworks and earthquakes when I kissed him (like I later would experience with women). But it was something. To this day, he's the only man I could seriously consider, but even then, I wouldn't be as happy as I know that I could be.

And then, in my last year living in Cedar City, my roommate Missy kissed me, and we formed a mini relationship. I was on fire... I never stopped wanting to feel her lips on mine. But wait! This is wrong! Dirty! Abominable! This is the same year that Elder Boyd K. Packer gave his infamous talk titled "Cleansing the Inner Vessel." I was terrified. And so was she. She "broke up" with me, and told me months later that if she or any of her friends see me, they'd beat the shit out of me. Naturally, I never again tried to contact her. 

This is where I tried to serve a mission, and it failed, because I told my bishop that I was gay. He was the first one I told... Needless to say, I didn't tell another bishop for a while. I went back into the closet. Dated another guy named Zac. And he's amazing... Just not for me. Reason? He has a penis. But... He will make a girl so happy one day :) He was the last guy I dated.

My boss at the time was my saving grae. Melanie is a lesbian, and grew up LDS, so she knew the dynamic I was struggling with. She was the first person that I had truly come out to. The first person who heard me say, "______, I'm gay." She helped me realize that I wasn't alone, and that there was nothing wrong with me. She was the missing piece in the puzzle for my self confidence.

I started dating a girl named Jamie. She was kind, and smart, but she had completely left the Church, and wanted different things for our lives. And it was difficult, but in the end it was for the best.

That's when I came out to my roommates... I couldn't stand being set up anymore, or them asking about my dating life. I told them, and at first it was alright, but after a while they turned really Molly Mormon about everything, and started insisting that I go to church with them, which was anything but what I wanted to do. I finally caved and went. 

That eventually proved to not be enough and they encouraged me to speak to the bishop. I scheduled a meeting and told him that I was gay... I didn't tell him about anything that I had done, just came out. He wasn't hostile about it, but he wasn't inviting either. He recommended articles that were "less than compassionate", and absolutely refused to refer to me as a lesbian, using instead the term same sex attracted. And I hate that more than anything else. The one good thing that came out of those meetings was a recommend to receive my patriarchal blessing.

It was around this time that I met Melissa and until 2 weeks ago, I was the happiest woman alive. I knew that I was finally being true to myself. I was being authentic. I wasn't hiding anymore. I was free.

Continue to Part 3

Journey to Gay (Part 1)

I have been trying to figure out what to write about next... I'm on a roll, so I might as well keep the ball rolling right?

So I thought about it, and I have never really told people (other than Melissa and a few others) how I came to know that I was gay. Hell... I barely know how I finally realized I was gay, because I had buried it so deep inside the depths of my mind. While I was writing this, I found that it had gotten quite long. So I split it into two parts. 

So here goes nothing I suppose...

I'm the oldest of 5 kids. I don't think that made any difference in who I turned out to be (sexuality wise that is). But even as a little girl there were little things that were different about me, all of which prove to me that I was gay from the moment I left the womb. The one that sticks out is how I would play House with my friends Marissa and Taylor. Every single time, without fail, I wanted to be the boy, or be the soldier. I also remember helping my Uncle Jim wash the car... I was probably only 5... But I remember asking him why I couldn't take my shirt off like him. I even tried to pee standing up when I was 6 or 7 years old. These three examples make it sound like I might have been having some gender identity issues, and maybe I was; I don't know. By themselves, they could be isolated incidents and not amount to anything. But for me, in hindsight, they were things that early on defined who I was as a little girl. And I wasn't normal.

Getting into adolescence, I was awkward... Everyone was, but I was especially. I started my period young... I was only in the 6th grade. I didn't care about wearing make up, and I loved to play football and baseball with the boys. I had many boys as friends, and girls, but it was the girls that I wanted to pay attention to me... And I went to great lengths to get that attention, and the attempts weren't always healthy. I remember having one boyfriend, Jonathon. We were friends and I remember him and his mom taking me to one of the first Harry Potter movies, and I drew a lightning bolt on his forehead. :)

In high school it was much the same... I played the trumpet (a very "boy" instrument), and played soccer and softball. (Stereotypical lesbian sports). I kissed a lot of boys in this period. A LOT of boys. And there were some that were bad. Just awful. But most of them were "eh". Not bad, not good. So I couldn't really make any judgement on whether or not I liked to kiss boys, because I simply didn't care. I didn't care about catching boy's attentions. I never had a problem with dressing immodestly. In fact it was everything my mother could do to get me to wear something other than jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, and sweats. I still didn't wear makeup, and I still didn't like the "girly" things like shopping, jewelry, and shoes.

I was angry though. I acted out. I was "defiant" (get it? I was defiant in Defiance, Ohio... ok, bad joke...) I did everything I could to piss my parents off. I stopped caring about school, I was causing trouble in the family and with my friends. There was something going on. But I didn't know what it was behind it, and neither did my parents.

I didn't grow up LDS, I grew up a devout Catholic. I never heard my parents speak badly about homosexuality. In fact, I never heard them talk about it at all. I never had a religion class (CCD, or Youth Group) or teacher that ever talked badly about homosexuality, or gay people. Nor do I remember ever hearing a sermon in church about it. (In hindsight, I would've been surprised to hear one. St. Mary's was a pretty liberal parish, and our priest, Father Tim was the most loving, Christ-like man I have ever known.) So I didn't have religion telling me it was bad, and my parents weren't threatening to kick any of us kids out of the house if they turned out to be gay. And I was friends with two kids at school who were gay, Mathis and Sophie. Their sexual orientation didn't matter to me. So why didn't I realize that I was gay? And why did I innately feel and know that it was wrong and something to keep to yourself?

Continue to Part 2

New Ward

So I moved recently. Officially a month ago, but I had stopped really living there in August. I love my new house, and love that I'm living with Melissa... I don't have to deal with the Molly Mormon, "shove the Gospel down your throat", "you'll never achieve actual happiness if you fall in love with another woman" roommates again. So freaking glad.

I think the only thing I'm going to miss about living there, is the ward. I absolutely LOVED that ward. The people were amazing, and the Relief Society presidency was a life saver at times. The bishop... Yeah, won't miss him too much. I mean... He was a wonderful man, and he did so much for the ward members. But when it came to me... He should have approached the whole "lesbian" thing a lot different. Every time the subject was brought up in our bi-weekly meetings, it was always like this, "So lets talk about you thinking that you're gay." Thinking??? Trust me... I know. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. Every General Conference talk, or Ensign article he would present to me would only make me feel more discouraged about where I belonged in this Church. He only emphasized things about me that were inherently wrong, and that needed to be remedied. Never anything that was good, or worthy. Never mind the fact that I joined this Church knowing that I was gay (I had admitted it only to myself, and honestly... I hadn't even admitted that I was "gay"... Just that I liked other girls). I knew I was gay, and I knew how this Church treated gays... Prop 8 made that very clear. Never mind my attempt to serve a mission. Never mind that despite how church leaders have treated me personally, and despite mountains of GC talks, Ensign articles, and other Church literature that make this part of my identity a "disease", an "affliction", and something that can be overcome, because its a "sin next to death"... I AM STILL HERE! I still walk into my meetings, with my head held high, I still participate in my Sunday School and Relief Society classes, and I still met with him every 2 weeks. I'm still here.

But now that I've moved, I'm in a different ward. And I'm excited... New people are always fun. But I'm scared that I'm going to have another bishop who is insensitive to the needs that I have. Or that I'll have a Relief Society president, or Sunday School teacher, or multiple people in the ward who are very anti-gay. I'll still be myself, and I'll still come out (at the appropriate moment of course... I'm not going to glitter bomb the ward in Fast and Testimony meeting this Sunday). But I'm scared... This church has an unforgiving history of discrimination, and using the Standard Works and other Gospel Literature to support their hateful and hurtful bigotry.

The advantage I have, however, is that I am in a singles ward. The younger generations are becoming more and more accepting (even within the Church), and that makes me feel a little more at ease.

We'll see how this Sunday goes.....

I'm really bad at this

I'm an awful blogger. I know that I am... I do really well for like, a week, and then I fall off the face of the blogger-verse. I know, and I will try better :) Especially now that I have people who actually read my blog... Weird...

So I did a pretty big thing today. I came out on Facebook. Honestly, people really shouldn't have been too shocked (unless they have buried their heads in the sand), because I post a lot of "Democratic propaganda" ;) But today was the first time I said it aloud (or typed... Whatever). High school classmates, college roommates, ex-boyfriends, and family... Now they all know. I feel a little bit bad about not telling my family personally, but my parents walked out of my life 2 years ago (taking my siblings with them) and never looked back... So for them, I really don't care. But I feel bad for my grandparents mostly. We still stay in fairly good contact, despite the 2000 miles and 2 hour time difference separating us. And if I had the option of walking down the street to tell them myself, I would have. And maybe I took the easy way out doing it this way... I don't know... Judge me if you must. But it's done and over with. Say la vie.

I had great reactions too... All until my Aunt Mary started arguing with me over the Affordable Care Act (I promise that didn't come out of nowhere... Read my last post, and you'll get it) But the fact that she was arguing over that, instead of the GAY ELEPHANT is a pretty big deal... Maybe she just ignored it, pretended I didn't say anything. But I'm counting it as a win until it isn't one anymore. Maybe for my next post, I'll post all the comments that my friends wrote. :) It truly made me feel loved.

On another note, Mitt Romney is having a rally in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio on Thursday. *BARF* All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not there to witness all of the bilge that comes out of his mouth. I think he's a great guy and all... And he's Mormon, so the Church is getting a ton of publicity, which is awesome for the missionaries. But yeah... Definitely not getting my vote. But it's cool... In the 2008 election, John McCain came to Defiance for a rally. Ohio's a big swing state, so the candidates swarm there. Utah is a concrete conservative red state... Republicans don't need any big rally's to sway votes here, and Democrats (unfortunately) don't have a shot, so they don't bother. And even though it sucks, it makes sense. Plus, Utah only carries 5 electoral points, so we get looked over anyway. Whatever... In 2 weeks, I'll be casting my "protest" vote. Haha

Ok... Rant over. I'm gonna cuddle op to my cute, snoring, girlfriend.

Holy Crap

Just posted this to Facebook... Take it for what you will...


"So I honestly thought people were pulling my leg when they said that there were people out there who believe that President Obama has declared war on religion, and by extension, the Catholic Church, and the LDS Church. Turns out, they weren't kidding.

Seriously?? Simply because the president believes that women have the right to choose, and have a right to contraception, and access to it (even through religious institutions) and believes that I should have the right to marry, just like everyone else, he is declaring war on religion.

Wrong. He is trying to ensure that everyone has access to healthcare. And i completely agree with that. I cannot afford my own health/dental insurance. I haven't been to the dentist or had even a basic physical since I graduated high school. The only way I have access to women's healthcare is through Planned Parenthood (which Mitt Romney wants to eliminate federal funding to). I take birth control pills, not because I have to worry about getting pregnant, but because it contains hormones that keep my body healthy, so that when I am ready to have kids, I'll be able to. And he believes that I should have the right to marry, and have the exact same rights and privileges as everyone else, despite the fact that I am a lesbian.

I've had plenty of people come to me and ask me how I could possibly be pro-choice and pro-same sex marriage and still be a good Mormon who comes from a strong Catholic background. It's because I do not vote upon my religious beliefs. I vote upon my moral beliefs. Do I disagree with the LDS and Catholic Church on their positions on same sex marriage (and homosexuality in general)? You're damn right. But I have a firm belief in my Heavenly Father, and in Jesus Christ, and of the healing power of the Atonement. That is why I have not left religion behind. But I will not force my beliefs onto anyone else. And I will not vote for a candidate from the Republican Party (or the Democratic Party for that matter) while their platform supports positions that continue to make me a second class citizen."

I just came out on Facebook...

First USGA Meeting

I went to my first UGSA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting today down at BYU. Its a group of a bunch of BYU students who are gay/lesbian/bisexual, to have a safe place to be able to work through it, and to be able to network, and meet people like them. There is a mix of people who are devout Mormons who abide by the Law of Chastity, and people who are questioning if they want to or not, or are trying to make a hybrid of being Mormon, and being gay with a partner, to people who have left the Church entirely. I was afraid that it was going to be a bunch of super Mormons that are all gun-ho about being celibate, blah blah blah. And I met a lot of girls (a lot of cute girls lol) that still love the Church, and will continue to love it, but are choosing to be happy, and want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and spend the rest of their lives with them. And that is exactly what I am looking for in a girl. To a "T". 

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

First post in a long while

Jamie told me that I'm long overdue for a post. She's definitely right. :)

Quite a bit has happened in the last little while. Lots of good things, and plenty of bad. All in all, I think it all worked out for the best.

Today, however, I'm feeling bright and shiny... so I'm going to focus on the good. ;)

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing girl. Her name is Jamie, and she is everything I have ever wanted. She gets me, and she respects me. She is unique, and funny. She has passions, and she genuinely cares about everyone she meets. She is smart and thoughtful, and she puts other people's needs in front of her own. She is the 6th sister out of 7 sisters... all born in a row. And she has a little brother born right at the end. Her family is wonderful. They are LDS, and she still respects the Church... she just can't find where she fits in the Church, while still being gay, and knowing that she can't change it. She respects that I am still active in the Church, and that I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and where I fit in this world, and within this Church. She respects it, and we frequently talk about our feelings about it.

She is wonderful... and I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her in my life right now. She is a positive influence in my life. She brings out what is good in me, and she pushes me to be a better person, to be a better me.

She has her scars, and she has her baggage. But we all do. And I have more baggage and more scars than anyone else I have ever met. And we get through it. We get through the everyday struggles that girlfriends have. We have our share of arguments, and we have our share of hurt feelings. But in the end, we make up. We look at each other and see that being "right" wasn't what was important... its her. She is what's important. Us. Our relationship, and the love we have for each other. That is what's important.

And to anyone who actually reads this blog... and honestly, I highly doubt anyone does... but if you do (and especially if you know me), I am coming out right now... not coming out and saying that I'm gay, because I'm not. I still love men. And I love them a lot. So I'm not gay, and I might be bi... I really dont know yet... but what I do know, is that I love Jamie Merrill. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I'm dating a girl. So what? She's beautiful, and she certainly smells better than a sweaty, smelly guy. And her face doesn't scratch me when I kiss her. She dresses better than a guy, and she'll rock out to Taylor Swift with me anytime I want. And we can share clothes. 5 very good reasons to date women... just throwing that out there. ;)

In other news... the skiing sucks this winter... and that's just downright depressing....