What Is Truth?

I encourage people who read my blog to express their opinions on the subjects that I write about. Even (and especially) when those opinions disagree with my own. I encourage people to comment on the posts themselves, or on social media where they're posted. Comments are common, and I love them... it shows that you are speaking your truth, and it's instrumental in my ability to speak my own.

Today, I got my first email. I didn't think too much of it, until I got to the subject line. The email, while polite and courteous, spent almost a full typed page telling me that I create doubt rather that build faith... and honestly, I was surprised. This last conference, President Uchtdorf taught us that, "A question that creates doubt in some can, after careful investigation, build faith in others." The things that create doubt in me, can build strength in others. These things that are creating doubt in this person, create strength and stability for me. And that's ok!

I'm used to being labeled. And believe it or not, I really like labels. They're linear, and structured, and I need a little bit of that in my crazy, messed up life. I'm labeled as not having enough faith... and sometimes that's true. I'm labeled as spiritually stunted because I rely on my brain AND my faith, instead of on my faith alone. I'm labeled as a "Doubting Thomas" and quite honestly, I carry that as a badge of pride.

I don't blindly follow the Church. I don't believe it's honest to believe in something, simply because a Church leader told that you it is. Brigham Young said, "I am ... afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by Him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blind self -security. ...Let every man and woman know, by the whispering of the Spirit of God to themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates." Way too many people do this... me included!

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave a CES Fireside in January 2013 titled "What Is Truth?", where he tells us, "Latter-day Saints are not asked to blindly accept everything they hear. We are encouraged to think and discover truth for ourselves. We are expected to ponder, to search, to evaluate, and thereby to come to a personal knowledge of the truth." 

I feel like it's hypocritical to "fall in with the party line" when you don't believe in it, and I believe it's contrary to the message in James 1:5 to ask of God when you lack wisdom, or truth. It's hypocracy, and I firmly believe that there is only one thing that God disapproves of, and it's being a hypocrite.

So... anonymous letter writer... I'm Mormon. I know it. I live it. I love it. I'm Mormon because it's where I belong. I'm Mormon because doctrinally, I believe more often than I doubt. Personal revelation, and promptings from the Holy Ghost have led me to stay in the Church, even while surrounded by hurtful doctrines, and teachings. I'm not going anywhere, better get used to me. ;)

As I Have Loved You

I had one of the worst experiences of my time in the Church yesterday. I had taken a year of hiatus from Institute, and decided that I would take a class titled, "Teachings of Thomas S. Monson". When I walked into the class, there was a substitute teacher, Elder Peters – a Church service missionary – giving his introduction. He immediately started off with politics and controversy, and that's when everything started going downhill.

He started going on and on about how Mormons need to be the moral compass of the world. That we were so popular in the 1960s and 1970s, specifically with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And then the ERA came around, and the Church became the "bad guys". Then it was Prop 8, and now it's the Federal Court ruling about marriage. Just going on and on about how people that supported these measures, and those that affiliate with these people are sinning.

I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I was so uncomfortable and I had physically felt the Spirit leave the room. When he paused and asked if we had any comments, I raised my hand. I quoted President Monson from his closing statements of the April 2013 General Conference, "We are a worldwide Church, brothers and sisters. Our membership is found across the globe. I admonish you to be good citizens of the nations in which you live and good neighbors in your communities, reaching out to those of other faiths as well as to our own. May we be tolerant of, as well as kind and loving to, those who do not share our beliefs and our standards. The Savior brought to this earth a message of love and goodwill to all men and women. May we ever follow His example."

I went on to explain that his comments are especially painful because he is speaking ill of people who are sitting in this room. Me. I'm gay. I know I'm gay because I've had personal revelation from our Heavenly Father – personal revelation that our Church values so highly. I have been to the brink of suicide and self hatred. I said that we need to be compassionate and loving like Elder Cook calls us to be. We need to acknowledge that every one's personal experiences are valid, like Elder Christofferson tells us. We need to be tolerant of other people's political opinions like President Monson told us in an interview with the Deseret News in 2008, "Regarding another question about whether church members could disagree with the faith's opposition to legalizing same-sex unions and still remain in good standing, he said the answer 'depends on what the disagreement is... If it's an apostasy situation, that would not be appropriate. If it's something political, there is room for opinion here and there on either side.'"

He blew his top. He rose his voice, and said, "There is no such thing as homosexuality and so called same sex attraction! It did not exist in the premortal existence! It does not exist in the post mortal existence! And it does not exist here! You are choosing to sin. You are choosing to be inferior."

I walked out in tears. No one stood up to support me. No one even looked at me. They just stared straight ahead. As I walked down the hallway, and found a seat to calm down in, I opened my Scriptures to John 13:34. It reads, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

As I have loved you.

Do you have any idea how powerful that is?? Christ loved us so much that He defended us from Lucifer's disastrous plan of forced obedience. He loved us so much that He came and fulfilled the Law in order to bring a new and everlasting covenant, where we are forgiven of our sins. He lived us so much that he bore the weight of the world and suffered the price of our sins. He shouldered the weight of our guilt, pain, sorrow, and suffering. A weight so large and so traumatic that He showed a rare moment of mortal hesitation and plead with His Father, Our God, to "take this bitter cup" from Him. And yet, He pressed on bearing the weight that would cause His blood to run from every pore.

He completed His Atonement, and guaranteed that you and I will never be left comfort less. He has secured us a place. He allows us to return to celestial glory to live with Him, and our Heavenly Parents again.

We need the Atonement, because we aren't perfect. We abuse our fellow men at worst, and tolerate them at best. John is telling us to love others, and to look at those people that we despise, abuse, and tolerate through the eye's of Christ, and to see them as sisters and brothers of Christ.

I had never looked at it that way. I despise this teacher because of how uninformed, and hurtful he was. I despised my classmates for their indifference. I despise Governor Herbert for his decision to nullify over 1300 marriages because he has a "moral opposition". But I need to look at it in a completely different way.

The next time I see Elder Peters, I need to look at him as my brother in Christ, and know that he is a product of his generation.

Next week, when I walk into class, and I see my classmates again, I need to look at them with compassion, and remember how hard it is to speak up on a tough situation. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be.

This week, when I support my LGBT Brothers and Sisters who have had their marriages annulled and fight and pray for their civil rights to be reinstated, I will look to Governor Herbert and see him as a son of God. A son of God who is doing what he believes to be right. I will look at him with love, even though I strongly disagree with his political and civil decisions.

Will I yet go away from Institute? Not yet. I've contacted the Institute office to let them know about the events that transpired, and I will be going into class early next Tuesday to discuss what happened with our assigned instructor, Brother Butler. I will give it another chance. Because the only Apostle that I love more than President Monson is President Uchtdorf, and I will not shy away from learning how to be a better person from the teachings of this great man.

Unworthy

I want to go to the temple.

There. I said it. Out of my system.

The problem is that I didn't know how to go. And trust me... it's a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than convincing the bishop and stake president to sign a piece of paper, and then driving to one of the four temples in the Salt Lake Valley.

I'm a Mormon. I'm a Mormon who's a Democrat, an intellectual, and a feminist, and a lesbian. That right there just put four road blocks down my path to "spiritual enlightenment", and I have no idea how to reconcile it. I'm the danger in President Boyd K. Packer's imfamous quote, "The dangers I speak of come from the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement (both of which are relatively new), and the ever-present challenge from the so-called scholars or intellectuals."

The biggest road block is easily the fact that I'm gay. I believe that the Church has got it wrong on homosexuality. Like the Church's new policy on race, I believe that the denial of full fellowship to LGBT members is coming from a place of privileged bigotry. I have had personal revelation from God that tells me very plainly that I was born gay, and that it was absolutely something God intended. I was gay in the premortal existence, I'm gay in morality, and I will be gay hereafter. Easy peasy. But I can't be dishonest. Because I have had sex with a woman *gasp*, I need to go through the repentance process. Am I ok repenting for sex before marriage? Yes. Am I ok repenting for having sex with a woman, and promise to never do it again? Absolutely not!! I simply can't do that with good conscience. However, in the Bishop's eyes... this is a "cut and dry" example of not being repentant of my sins. And BAM. No recommend. No temple. And possibly a form of formal/informal Church discipline. No bueno.

But all of these concerns are things that are real to me. I have severe concerns, and disbelief about the Church's positions on homosexuality, and the ordination of women to the Priesthood. I have serious concerns about the Church's teachings to our Young Women about modesty, and how they are responsible for the "pure thoughts" of the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood holders. I have serious concerns about the Church's lack of transparency about it's history. I have concerns about the Church's "worship" of Joseph Smith, and his portrayal of the most perfect man who's ever lived, when in truth, while inspired and called of God, he was a man with many flaws. I have doubts! And simply "doubting my doubts" isn't cutting it. They are not going to go away.

And yet the temple pulls at me. Everything aches when I drive past... knowing that everyone else around me can go in, and I can't. I've tried to ignore it. I've put it out of my mind, telling myself that it's simply something I won't get to have in this life. But I shouldn't have to resign myself to the fact that I can't go! Do I feel worthy? Yes! I respect my fellow brothers and sisters. I strive to do good in my day to day life. I help when I can. I pay my tithing into the Book of Mormon fund, and the general missionary fund. I sustain the leadership of the Church. I read my Sciptures and say my prayers. I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in my life, nor have I ever stopped feeling it. I know that I am worthy.

But it's up to 2 men to decide if I am. And I don't think that they'll rule in my favor.

"Come Join With Us"

Yesterday I stood in the stand by line with over 300 women (and our male allies) for admittance to the Priesthood session of the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was a bittersweet experience. I started my morning by watching the morning session of Conference, and eating breakfast with about 10 other LGBT Mormons. We were all in shock with President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's address at the close of the Saturday morning session, and it touched me on a deep personal level. It prepared me for the activities for the rest of the day, because it proved to me that I was doing the right thing. The Church has a place for me.

I went home, and got dressed, and really mentally prepared for what was about to happen, not because I was nervous, but because I was about to make history. I was about to do something that I genuinely believed in, and it was something so many people in the Church look down upon, and claim to be apostate.

I went and parked at the Ballpark (1300 South) TRAX station, and got on the train to head downtown. I got there early so that I could listen to the rest of the afternoon session on Temple Square, and after the session I headed to City Creek Park on State Street and 100 North. When I got there, I saw over 200 women, active, worthy LDS women gathered, and ready to head over to Temple Square. I had some time to meet new people, and visit with my two friends, Bridey and Elizabeth. We were briefed on logistics, sang the hymn, "The Spirit of God", and had a prayer, and then we were off. We were off to make history.

By the time we left for Temple Square, we had over 300 women and male allies among us. As we turned onto North Temple, I pulled out my Scriptures, and started reading my patriarchal blessing. You have been blessed with a sense of right and wrong and with a willing heart to hear the truth and you are true to it. You will experience loving, tender feelings as the Lord visits you by the power of His Spirit to comfort you, to give you reassurance, and strength to go on in times of need. Those words sang true to me that day. I was truly doing what I absolutely know to be right. And it was exhilarating!

Once we made our way onto the Temple Square grounds, we got in the stand by line for the Tabernacle. It was real now. We were there. People started coming up to us asking what the line was for. On more than one occasion I replied with, "This is the standby line for admittance to the Priesthood session in the Tabernacle." Most looked confused, but then smiled and said thank you. Others however... they smirked, and looked me up and down, as if looking for the male genitalia requisite for holding the Priesthood. And then the Sister Missionaries came to call... three companionships total. The first two were pretty... hostile... in that sugary, sweet sister missionary way. But the third set as amazing... they listened, they heard me out, and they understand how hurt the marginalized groups in this Church are. It was missionary work at it's best. They listened. They actually listened.


It wasn't long until word came that we were officially denied entry to the session. It wasn't really surprising to me. We decided to turn and face the crowd of men walking past us... this way they had to look at us. And we walked up, one by one, to ask for entry to the session. Once it was my turn, I walked up to the man standing in front of the door, and said, "My name is Ellen Koester. I'm requesting entry to the Conference Center to hear the counsel of the Prophet and his Apostles." This man, replied, "As you know this is the standby line for men to enter the Priesthood session. It is for male members only."

That statement floored me. I was expecting to be denied, but I was expecting the reason to be because I don't hold the Priesthood... not because I don't have a penis. I looked him straight in the eye, and said ok... and paused to look through the doors into the Tabernacle before I turned to walk away. Soon after, they closed the door, pulled a red tape across the entrance, and eventually drove a mini garbage truck in front of it... as if they were expecting the well behaved women, who had been asking peacefully for entrance, to suddenly storm the building. We all soon gathered for a prayer, and to sing the hymn, " I Am A Child Of God", and we made our way back to City Creek Park. But not before noticing three men standing inside by the window staring at us. They didn't smile, they didn't show any sort of outward emotion. They just stared.

On the walk back, I did a lot of soul searching, and conversing with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To hear their personal stories was unbelievably inspiring, and faith promoting... I felt the Spirit more strongly than I had all day... with the brief exception of when President Uchtdorf spoke that morning. 

Conference weekend as a whole has been discouraging to say the least. But I am holding fast to the words of President Uchtdorf, "Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples is a strength of this Church." This taught me that my opinions and perspectives are valid, and that they are valued... even by the Church. "If you define hypocrites as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us are quite as Christ-like as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and sins to become better with the help of Jesus Christ.", and "If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances, your personal history or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you in this Church. Come join with us." This taught me that although I break certain commandments, and have differing opinions about certain doctrines and practices within the Church, that I am valued. And that there is a place for me. I am Mormon... no matter what anyone else says or thinks. "If you expect to find perfect people here, you will be disappointed.", "If you are looking for a place of belonging come join with us." , "If you have left the faith you once embraced, come back again and join with us.", "If you are tempted to give up, stay yet a little longer. There is room for you here." He showed us that there is a place for us. He showed us that we are vital to the Church, as are our opinions and perspectives. He showed us that we were valued.

I am valued. I am wanted. My perspectives are valued. An Apostle of the Lord has asked me to stay. Many people have told me that I don't listen to the counsel of the Prophets, and that I should leave for the benefit of the Church, and the members around me. To them I say........ I'm listening. And I'm staying.

Horseshoes And Handgrenades

I've never really understood Mixed Orientation Marriages... a marriage where one member of the marriage is straight, and the other is gay. I've never understood why the gay spouse would subject themselves to a marriage of tolerance... a marriage of "horseshoes and hand grenades"... a marriage of "good enough". I've never understood why the straight spouse would subject themselves to the same marriage of tolerance... a marriage where they are loved... kind of.

I've never understood mixed orientation marriages. Until today.

Yesterday I went to my friend's house for FHE (which... was only FHE because we read one scripture... and then we went on with our lives). These friends are a married couple, and they are in a mixed orientation marriage. (For their anonymity, I'm not going to give their names). We talked about how mixed orientation couples are really overlooked by both the gay community, and the straight normaity. To the gay community, they are unauthentic because it's perceived that they "aren't gay enough... Secretly bisexual", or that they are selling out. Society's normality tends to just assume that the straight parter is gay too.

Their marriage is different from most married couples. The dynamics are different and will always be different. She has to really work to make the marriage work, and there's nothing wrong with it. She's gay. She's really gay. He knows she's gay, and is totally ok with it. He acknowledges that things could change, and they have a plan if they do. The most remarkable thing to me is that she didn't feel "obligated" to enter into this marriage. And I think that's important. No one should feel like the "have" to marry someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex.

Mormon culture is a little wigged out for me... when I was a brand new convert to the Church, I was consistently asked if I had "prayed about it" whenever I had a big decision to make... Like picking out matching socks. So naturally, most people in the Church will pray about the person they want to marry. When she prayed about marrying her husband, the answer she received was, "If you want to marry him, I will help you be happy." She believes the answer would have been the same had she wanted to marry a woman. How remarkable! There are SO many stories about LGBT members of the Church who have had divine confirmation from our Heavenly Parents, about their same-sex relationships, but how many of you have heard a story about a LGBT person receiving a confirmation that they can choose to marry someone of the opposite sex? 

I still don't have a personal understanding of Mixed Orientation Marriages, and I cannot advocate positively for them, because I know that I cannot honestly enter into one. I would never be able to love a man in the way that he deserves to be loved. But if I have learned anything, it's that people absolutely deserve to make their own choices when the choices are right for them... especailly when they have confirmation from our Heavenly Parents that what they are doing is right. We have no room to judge. We have no place to say what people can and cannot do. We need to love people for the lives they live, and support them in the decisions they make. We need to support them in the beautiful families that they raise, and we need to love them for the work they put in to make their families happy. 

Anonymous couple... you are my new besties. Stay gay, and stay awesome. And y'all have a cute baby!!

Personal Revelation

I got a lot of really good feed back about my post Journey to Gay (Part 3), both directly, and when it was published on a gay Mormon blog called No More Strangers. But I have gotten a lot of people telling me that I am wrong. That personal revelation will never contradict established revelation from the Prophet. This is my experience with talking to my (then) Stake President. 

After my experience in the temple, I went home and studied the concept of revelation. How it works, how it's "supposed" to feel. The next day I emailed my bishop and told him that I had an experience in the temple that regarded personal revelation, and that I'd like to speak with him about it. He immediately sent me upstairs to the Stake President (to this day I still wonder why he did that without speaking to me first.) I gave his executive secretary a call, and I met with him about a week later.

I went into the meeting and I explained what I had experienced in as much detail as I could. I told him everything. He sat there nodding his head, and he looked a little puzzled. He opened his scriptures and started marking things, and taking notes. When I finished, he told me very plainly, "I'm sorry, but what you have just told me is a lie. Personal revelation will never trump official, established revelation given by the Prophets." He continued to explain that it was the case partly because I do not hold the Priesthood.

Excuse me? My personal revelation was false? A lie? And because I don't hold the Priesthood?? (Which implies that no woman in the Church will ever receive revelation) No way. I believe that Satan can tempt us, but I do not believe that he can imitate the feelings that the Holy Ghost gives in confirmation. When I received this revelation, I felt the exact same feeling that I felt when I prayed about the Book of Mormon. If I had not, I probably would have interpreted it as Satan trying to tempt me. Not that it would have mattered, because I firmly believe that Satan cannot penetrate the temple to get to us. God would throw his sorry ass out to the curb. But that's just my opinion...

After recovering from the shock of his statement, I brought up the story of Nephi and Laban in 1Nephi 4. Nephi was not yet a prophet. His father Lehi was still alive and receiving revelation, as was Jeremiah in Jerusalem. He had no prophetic or apostolic authority to receive revelation for others. Therefore Nephi received personal revelation. And his personal revelation was in contention with official and established revelation from the prophet Moses. Nephi was commanded to kill Laban for the brass plates, but the Ten Commandments tell him, Thou shalt not kill. 

Nephi questions the Spirit at first (with good reason) saying, "Never at anytime have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him." (1Nephi 4:10) The Spirit had to tell him three times that he was to kill Laban. Finally Nephi obeyed the voice of The Lord (1Nephi 4:18), and he smitten off Laban's head with his own sword (1Nephi 4:19). He did this because the Spirit testified that "It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief." (1Nephi 4:13)

In regards to my personal revelation... The Spirit testified to me three times. I questioned The Lord; I doubted His Spirit. But I know that it was given to me because it is better that I live to see another day, and that others live to see another day, than to have the entire LGBT Mormon community dwindle and perish. And I told him this. Which in hindsight... Not the best idea...

My Stake President got a little flustered at this point... He told me that I had not been "chosen" like Nephi was. That Nephi was preparing to be a prophet (which I absolutely believe). He told me that I was bordering on being an apostate. And he told me that my communication with Satan was sinful, and that until I turn my heart back to The Lord, I would not receive "legitimate" revelation. 

*cue Todd Akin*

That day, I left discouraged... But 6 months later, when I received my patriarchal blessing, I was uplifted. Because my blessing is chock full of affirming passages to my personal revelation. Like this, "The world is in commotion. There is a multitude of opinions, motives, and desires in conflict and it is difficult for a seeker of truth to know who is right. The grace of God has given you the answer. Be grateful for the knowledge and testimony he has given you."

Am I being prepared to be a prophet? No, but my blessing does say this, "You have been reserved to come to earth in the dispensation of the fullness of times in which you now live in order that you could assist in the preparations for the Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ."

Are there purposes for me to fulfill? Heavenly Father says so, "You will be able to accomplish the purposes for which you were sent to earth. There are significant purposes and circumstances where you will provide very valuable assistance in accomplishing the work of the Lord."

And there is no mention of marriage. None. Which, as I have been told, is quite rare and unusual for a young, fertile woman like myself. Pretty sure that's not a coincidence.

I am including passages from my blessing, not to brag about the kick ass things I'm meant to do, but to support my unwavering knowledge that what happened that day in the temple was genuine. I only wish that I had received my blessing earlier, not just to tell my Stake President, and show him that I'm not an apostate, but for my own well being.

Since I wrote about this experience, and since it has been published on No More Strangers, there have been countless people that have told me about similar experiences. That they have had the Spirit testify to them that they are doing the right thing. Coincidence? I think not.

Let me reaffirm that I did not, under any circumstance, receive revelation for the entire, world wide Church. That is a Priesthood key that I do not hold. The only person on the earth that holds that key, is Thomas S. Monson, president of the Church, and sustained as prophet, seer, and revelator. I sustain him. And I will sustain him in every general conference for the duration of his life. And then I will sustain the next prophet (whoever he may be). 

With that said, I encourage every person, who has ever had a question about anything, to ask it. Put James 1:5 to work. But ask in faith, with no bias (James 1:6), because you will not receive an answer to your prayers when your heart is closed to it. That applies to the average member of the Church, and to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. If your heart is closed and hardened, you will not receive revelation.

Ask and you shall receive. Knock and it shall be opened up unto you.

Journey To Gay (Part 3)

In December 2011, I was at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple doing baptisms. It's one of my favorite temples in the valley, and it was here, during its open house before its dedication, that I first gained my testimony of the temple. Naturally, it holds a near and dear place in my heart. I was sitting in the area where you wait your turn to go into the font. There were a lot of people there that day... I think it was a Saturday, so I had a while to wait. So I decided to do some praying.

At this time in my life... my mission call had been rescinded only a few months ago. I had moved into a new ward, and I had been given a new temple recommend. I should have been on top of the world, but was instead in a really dark place. The only thing I ever seemed to pray about was my sexual orientation... I swear I had worn out the carpet in my bedroom from pacing and kneeling. And until this day in the temple, I had only prayed for God to take away my attractions for women, because I didn't want them. I took to heart Elder Packer's words from his October 2010 General Conference talk "Cleansing the Inner Vessel", "Some suppose that they were preset, and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father." (this is the exact transcript from the talk given during General Conference. You can watch the talk, and read the edited talk here.) Because of this talk, I believed that my attractions were somehow a choice... and that somewhere in my soul there was a switch that I could flip, so that my attractions would change, and that I could become sexually attracted to men, instead of women. Sometimes, I would switch my wording, thinking that that would solicit a different answer. I would ask God to give me attractions to just one man. Just one man, and he would be attracted to me, and I to him, and then we could get married, and I would finally be "normal".

That's how I prayed. It's almost masochistic. And every time, I felt the same feeling. Cold. Miserable. Empty. I couldn't understand why. So that day, when I was praying in the temple, I threw up my hands, in quiet desperation, and instead asked like this, "God... is it ok for me to be a lesbian?" And immediately after those words left my "mouth" I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth. Comfort. Assurance. Love. The feeling was identical to the feeling that I had when I first prayed about the Book of Mormon. I was stunned. There was no other emotion. So I asked again, mostly to confirm that I had heard the Spirit correctly. I got the same thing. So I went out on a limb and asked, "God, do you want me to be celibate? Do you want me to be alone?" No. A very clear no. But the Spirit continued... it testified, clear as day, that I needed to get married. That I needed to prepare to have a wife, and to have a family. 

That day, I received a testimony of personal revelation. I didn't really believe that the average, everyday person could receive revelation from God through the Spirit. But that day, I gained a testimony. But more importantly, I received a testimony that I am created just the way I'm supposed to be. That God created me in His image (or should I say in Heavenly Mother's image... but my feminism is for another day). That revelation saved my life.

I want to make it very clear, that I am not claiming to receive revelation for the Church as a whole. No way. That power lies with Thomas S. Monson, the Prophet and President of the Church, and in him alone. But, I do believe that God gave me this piece of personal revelation, because He knew that I needed it. So that I wouldn't leave the Church in frustration (which I had seriously considered). And so I wouldn't feel the need to take my own life. Because for a while, I genuinely thought that it would be more pleasing to God, to have me dead in a box in the ground, with my virtue still intact, than to continue in this life living dishonorably, and unworthily. Because I still believed, that regardless if I stayed chaste and celibate in my life, I would still be considered less worthy than the straight, married woman with 5 kids, at the day of Judgement. 

I'm not alone in my thinking. While I am no longer in that state of mind, because I have finally come to accept myself for who I am, there are countless young LGBT Mormons who are going through this line of thinking. Too high of a percentage of them end up attempting to take their own lives, and too many of them succeed. We are losing my generation of Mormons, because they believe that they have no place in this Church... they believe that God would love them more if they died, instead of living a full and meaningful life. 

I want to make a difference in the Church. I want to make a difference in my community. I want to help. I want to be a resource of Christ-like love, and acceptance. Because the only "tolerance trap" that exists on this earth, is to believe that people only deserve our "at arms reach" tolerance. People deserve so much more. You deserve it. I deserve it. Your sons and daughters, deserve it. Your brothers and sisters deserve it. The young woman in your ward, the neighbors down the street, the kid in your history class... they all deserve it. 

Love one another. Treat others as you want to be treated. These are principles that every person, from any faith or walk of life can embrace.