11 July 2013

Journey To Gay (Part 3)

In December 2011, I was at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple doing baptisms. It's one of my favorite temples in the valley, and it was here, during its open house before its dedication, that I first gained my testimony of the temple. Naturally, it holds a near and dear place in my heart. I was sitting in the area where you wait your turn to go into the font. There were a lot of people there that day... I think it was a Saturday, so I had a while to wait. So I decided to do some praying.

At this time in my life... my mission call had been rescinded only a few months ago. I had moved into a new ward, and I had been given a new temple recommend. I should have been on top of the world, but was instead in a really dark place. The only thing I ever seemed to pray about was my sexual orientation... I swear I had worn out the carpet in my bedroom from pacing and kneeling. And until this day in the temple, I had only prayed for God to take away my attractions for women, because I didn't want them. I took to heart Elder Packer's words from his October 2010 General Conference talk "Cleansing the Inner Vessel", "Some suppose that they were preset, and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father." (this is the exact transcript from the talk given during General Conference. You can watch the talk, and read the edited talk here.) Because of this talk, I believed that my attractions were somehow a choice... and that somewhere in my soul there was a switch that I could flip, so that my attractions would change, and that I could become sexually attracted to men, instead of women. Sometimes, I would switch my wording, thinking that that would solicit a different answer. I would ask God to give me attractions to just one man. Just one man, and he would be attracted to me, and I to him, and then we could get married, and I would finally be "normal".

That's how I prayed. It's almost masochistic. And every time, I felt the same feeling. Cold. Miserable. Empty. I couldn't understand why. So that day, when I was praying in the temple, I threw up my hands, in quiet desperation, and instead asked like this, "God... is it ok for me to be a lesbian?" And immediately after those words left my "mouth" I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth. Comfort. Assurance. Love. The feeling was identical to the feeling that I had when I first prayed about the Book of Mormon. I was stunned. There was no other emotion. So I asked again, mostly to confirm that I had heard the Spirit correctly. I got the same thing. So I went out on a limb and asked, "God, do you want me to be celibate? Do you want me to be alone?" No. A very clear no. But the Spirit continued... it testified, clear as day, that I needed to get married. That I needed to prepare to have a wife, and to have a family. 


That day, I received a testimony of personal revelation. I didn't really believe that the average, everyday person could receive revelation from God through the Spirit. But that day, I gained a testimony. But more importantly, I received a testimony that I am created just the way I'm supposed to be. That God created me in His image (or should I say in Heavenly Mother's image... but my feminism is for another day). That revelation saved my life.

I want to make it very clear, that I am not claiming to receive revelation for the Church as a whole. No way. That power lies with Thomas S. Monson, the Prophet and President of the Church, and in him alone. But, I do believe that God gave me this piece of personal revelation, because He knew that I needed it. So that I wouldn't leave the Church in frustration (which I had seriously considered). And so I wouldn't feel the need to take my own life. Because for a while, I genuinely thought that it would be more pleasing to God, to have me dead in a box in the ground, with my virtue still intact, than to continue in this life living dishonorably, and unworthily. Because I still believed, that regardless if I stayed chaste and celibate in my life, I would still be considered less worthy than the straight, married woman with 5 kids, at the day of Judgement. 

I'm not alone in my thinking. While I am no longer in that state of mind, because I have finally come to accept myself for who I am, there are countless young LGBT Mormons who are going through this line of thinking. Too high of a percentage of them end up attempting to take their own lives, and too many of them succeed. We are losing my generation of Mormons, because they believe that they have no place in this Church... they believe that God would love them more if they died, instead of living a full and meaningful life. 

I want to make a difference in the Church. I want to make a difference in my community. I want to help. I want to be a resource of Christ-like love, and acceptance. Because the only "tolerance trap" that exists on this earth, is to believe that people only deserve our "at arms reach" tolerance. People deserve so much more. You deserve it. I deserve it. Your sons and daughters, deserve it. Your brothers and sisters deserve it. The young woman in your ward, the neighbors down the street, the kid in your history class... they all deserve it. 

Love one another. Treat others as you want to be treated. These are principles that every person, from any faith or walk of life can embrace.

16 comments:

  1. Personal revelation is great. But it needs to work parallel to revelation received for the church. The two shouldn't ever really contradict each other. Elder Oaks gave a great talk on this idea a couple of years ago.

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  2. The point of personal revelation, is that it is personal to the person who received it. Its like a patriarchal blessing... blessings and revelation given to you, won't necessarily work for me... but that doesn't mean that it isn't legitimate. I take personal revelation very seriously... because there is a very fine line between being real, and someone not being real. And there is no way to prove it. Lawyer's (and General Authority's) nightmare.

    I know that the revelation I received was real, because it was accompanied with the same spirit that testified to me of the Book of Mormon. Easily one of the most pivotal moments in my 23 years. It was real. And I will go to my grave with that testimony, just as Joseph Smith went to his with his testimony of the Book of Mormon (see Elder Holland's Oct. 2009 talk titled "Safety for the Soul".)

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  3. deleted comments are fun, because they make me look like I'm talking to myself :)

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  4. You are correct that personal revelation is just that, personal. And no one can argue with what you know to be true. Now, aligning our experiences with the teachings of the prophets and the scriptures sometimes proves challenging.

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  5. But then I can say but I received personal revelation that I should pay 8% tithing and that I received. You can't dispute that. But it goes against what God has revealed through the other channel of revelation, the Priesthood. Again, read the talk by Elder Oaks given a few years back about the subject.

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    1. If you receive personal revelation to only pay 8% tithing, then so be it... I have no room to judge you. If you go up to Heaven and God thinks it's fine? Then awesome! If not, oops!

      I've read it, thanks

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  6. It's better outside.

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  7. Why are you deleting comments? I would like to see what is being said.....

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    1. I didn't delete any comments, whoever posted them, deleted them. Which is why I was poking fun at myself about them, because it made it look like I was talking to myself :)

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  8. Keep your abominations to yourself. You deserve to be excommunicated.

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  9. This is pretty much how it happened for me! I've honestly never really had much in the way of communication with God - always figured I overthink things so much that it wasn't in the cards, I'd never be able to distinguish my own thoughts from anything else. The night I sat in bed crying and finally said 'so, God, it appears I'm a lesbian after all,' I felt an incredible rush of peace and yes-ness. I'm not an emotional person, I've never felt anything like it, but I KNEW. It's my one anchor in a big floaty mess of figuring my life out. It's amazing, isn't it?

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    1. It's the best feeling in the world :) I'm so happy that you've tied down at least one loose end in your life :) if you're anything like me, you have thousands to go ;)

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  10. I agree that personal revelation is powerful. But I have known gay men to marry women and although it's still difficult for them, they know that's how the church is supposed to be.
    I think it's okay to be gay/lesbian, but acting on those feelings are a sin.

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  11. There are people who will enter into mixed orientation marriages, because they feel like that is the only way that they can live. More often than not, these marriages fail, because the physical attraction is severely lacking. While I will support any person entering into such marriage, I will never advocate for it.

    For all that God has revealed to us through our prophets, the Church and its members believe that it is a sin. But if we truly believe in the Articles of Faith, then we believe all that God has revealed , all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. (AoF 1:9)

    God revealed to us through President Wilford Woodruff in 1890 that the practice of polygamy was no longer valid. We now excommunicate members of the Church who enter into these marriages, while we used to excommunicate those who refused.

    God revealed to President Spencer W. Kimball in 1978, that the ban on blacks receiving the priesthood had been lifted. Before 1978, there was sermon after sermon given by general authorities on the topic of race. That it was a sin to marry outside of your own race. Today, it is commonplace to see "mixed race marriages".

    Something that is considered a sin today, may not be tomorrow. Personal, and Priesthood revelation are vital to us receiving those answers.

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  12. Yes, true, but history proves a time for those things to happen. (Many people still despised black people, so if they received the priesthood before, not as many people would've joined the church. Also, women couldn't own land unless they were married as well as the build up numbers.)
    So... Maybe there's a time for gay marriage...?
    But homosexuality has been a sin since day 1. It's said that everywhere in the bible. Why would that change now after eons of time?

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  13. If you are referring to Leviticus 18:22, and 20:13, you have to go back and look at what the original Hebrew says. The ancient Jews were in close contact with ancient Greece, which is widely known as a promiscuous culture. So were these passages in Leviticus referring to homosexuality as a form of an expression of love between 2 males in a monogamous relationship. Or, is it referring to casual sex between two men who are not in a committed relationship (think about a Law of Chastity violation… sex before marriage)? Or, since this scripture is in the Book of Leviticus, is the text referring to Levite priests only, and not to the everyday Israelite? Or, is the text simply referring to an inability of a person to control their sexual urges by saying, “Get a hold of yourself. Control your emotions.”? We don’t know.

    The context of the rest of the verses in the chapter are also interesting. Verses 6-21, contain a whole series of forbidden forms of incest. Verses 19 and 20 leave the topic of incest, but continue the theme of forbidden sexual activity.

    At this point, there is a break in topic being discussed. The chapter switches to a condemnation of false forms of worship in general, and the worship of the Pagan god Molech in particular. Like many other Pagan temples, those dedicated to Molech had temple prostitutes. His followers believed that engaging in sexual activity with these prostitutes would please Molech and “… increase the fertility of themselves, their spouses, their livestock and their fields.”

    Verse 21: forbids ritual child sacrifice and names a Pagan god Molech to whom children were believed to have been sacrificed. This verse forbids blasphemy against Yahweh/Jehovah.

    Verse 22 is translated in the King James Version as: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” If the verse is considered in isolation – as it is most often done – then a logical interpretation is that the verse condemns all sexual activity between males. If Leviticus 18:22 is considered in the context of its surrounding chapters and previous verse, then one might expect that it refers to some forbidden idolatrous activity in a Pagan temple from which the ancient Israelites must separate themselves.

    I'm currently researching the applications, and original Hebrew for these two verses. Stay tuned, if you'd like

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