Unworthy

I want to go to the temple.

There. I said it. Out of my system.

The problem is that I didn't know how to go. And trust me... it's a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than convincing the bishop and stake president to sign a piece of paper, and then driving to one of the four temples in the Salt Lake Valley.

I'm a Mormon. I'm a Mormon who's a Democrat, an intellectual, and a feminist, and a lesbian. That right there just put four road blocks down my path to "spiritual enlightenment", and I have no idea how to reconcile it. I'm the danger in President Boyd K. Packer's imfamous quote, "The dangers I speak of come from the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement (both of which are relatively new), and the ever-present challenge from the so-called scholars or intellectuals."

The biggest road block is easily the fact that I'm gay. I believe that the Church has got it wrong on homosexuality. Like the Church's new policy on race, I believe that the denial of full fellowship to LGBT members is coming from a place of privileged bigotry. I have had personal revelation from God that tells me very plainly that I was born gay, and that it was absolutely something God intended. I was gay in the premortal existence, I'm gay in morality, and I will be gay hereafter. Easy peasy. But I can't be dishonest. Because I have had sex with a woman *gasp*, I need to go through the repentance process. Am I ok repenting for sex before marriage? Yes. Am I ok repenting for having sex with a woman, and promise to never do it again? Absolutely not!! I simply can't do that with good conscience. However, in the Bishop's eyes... this is a "cut and dry" example of not being repentant of my sins. And BAM. No recommend. No temple. And possibly a form of formal/informal Church discipline. No bueno.

But all of these concerns are things that are real to me. I have severe concerns, and disbelief about the Church's positions on homosexuality, and the ordination of women to the Priesthood. I have serious concerns about the Church's teachings to our Young Women about modesty, and how they are responsible for the "pure thoughts" of the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood holders. I have serious concerns about the Church's lack of transparency about it's history. I have concerns about the Church's "worship" of Joseph Smith, and his portrayal of the most perfect man who's ever lived, when in truth, while inspired and called of God, he was a man with many flaws. I have doubts! And simply "doubting my doubts" isn't cutting it. They are not going to go away.

And yet the temple pulls at me. Everything aches when I drive past... knowing that everyone else around me can go in, and I can't. I've tried to ignore it. I've put it out of my mind, telling myself that it's simply something I won't get to have in this life. But I shouldn't have to resign myself to the fact that I can't go! Do I feel worthy? Yes! I respect my fellow brothers and sisters. I strive to do good in my day to day life. I help when I can. I pay my tithing into the Book of Mormon fund, and the general missionary fund. I sustain the leadership of the Church. I read my Sciptures and say my prayers. I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in my life, nor have I ever stopped feeling it. I know that I am worthy.

But it's up to 2 men to decide if I am. And I don't think that they'll rule in my favor.

Happiness?

I have a new job. I have a new car (as of three hours ago!) I'm making more money, and I have good benefits. I have a way to pay for the rest of my college education, and I don't have to pinch pennies to get by. I should be happy right?

I have God, I have the scriptures. I go to Church (mostly), and I'm starting to pay my tithing again. And I'm technically celibate, because I have no desire to be with anyone but Melissa. I'm doing everything that a gay Mormon is taught to do to achieve eternal happiness. But am I happy? Not in the slightest.

I keep going back and forth between believing that I'll be happier if I'm celibate and alone. On one hand, there's the Church. If I'm celibate and repentant, then I'm worthy in God's eyes. If I'm worthy, I can hold callings, I can take the Sacrament, and I can go to the temple and receive my endowment. I would be clean and pure.

But on the other hand, I'm starting to believe that my life is too much of a disaster to keep anyone important in my life. My parents left, and took my siblings with them. I still keep in touch with most of my extended family, but because of the chasm between my parents and I, and because of the 2,000 miles separating us, I don't go home. Because of all my family baggage, and my emotional baggage thanks to wilderness and treatment, I tend to not keep relationships well. I bottle everything up inside, or I hide the particularly painful details, and then defecation hits the oscillation.

So is this a win-win? Or is it just another disaster?

Journey To Gay (Part 3)

In December 2011, I was at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple doing baptisms. It's one of my favorite temples in the valley, and it was here, during its open house before its dedication, that I first gained my testimony of the temple. Naturally, it holds a near and dear place in my heart. I was sitting in the area where you wait your turn to go into the font. There were a lot of people there that day... I think it was a Saturday, so I had a while to wait. So I decided to do some praying.

At this time in my life... my mission call had been rescinded only a few months ago. I had moved into a new ward, and I had been given a new temple recommend. I should have been on top of the world, but was instead in a really dark place. The only thing I ever seemed to pray about was my sexual orientation... I swear I had worn out the carpet in my bedroom from pacing and kneeling. And until this day in the temple, I had only prayed for God to take away my attractions for women, because I didn't want them. I took to heart Elder Packer's words from his October 2010 General Conference talk "Cleansing the Inner Vessel", "Some suppose that they were preset, and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father." (this is the exact transcript from the talk given during General Conference. You can watch the talk, and read the edited talk here.) Because of this talk, I believed that my attractions were somehow a choice... and that somewhere in my soul there was a switch that I could flip, so that my attractions would change, and that I could become sexually attracted to men, instead of women. Sometimes, I would switch my wording, thinking that that would solicit a different answer. I would ask God to give me attractions to just one man. Just one man, and he would be attracted to me, and I to him, and then we could get married, and I would finally be "normal".

That's how I prayed. It's almost masochistic. And every time, I felt the same feeling. Cold. Miserable. Empty. I couldn't understand why. So that day, when I was praying in the temple, I threw up my hands, in quiet desperation, and instead asked like this, "God... is it ok for me to be a lesbian?" And immediately after those words left my "mouth" I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth. Comfort. Assurance. Love. The feeling was identical to the feeling that I had when I first prayed about the Book of Mormon. I was stunned. There was no other emotion. So I asked again, mostly to confirm that I had heard the Spirit correctly. I got the same thing. So I went out on a limb and asked, "God, do you want me to be celibate? Do you want me to be alone?" No. A very clear no. But the Spirit continued... it testified, clear as day, that I needed to get married. That I needed to prepare to have a wife, and to have a family. 

That day, I received a testimony of personal revelation. I didn't really believe that the average, everyday person could receive revelation from God through the Spirit. But that day, I gained a testimony. But more importantly, I received a testimony that I am created just the way I'm supposed to be. That God created me in His image (or should I say in Heavenly Mother's image... but my feminism is for another day). That revelation saved my life.

I want to make it very clear, that I am not claiming to receive revelation for the Church as a whole. No way. That power lies with Thomas S. Monson, the Prophet and President of the Church, and in him alone. But, I do believe that God gave me this piece of personal revelation, because He knew that I needed it. So that I wouldn't leave the Church in frustration (which I had seriously considered). And so I wouldn't feel the need to take my own life. Because for a while, I genuinely thought that it would be more pleasing to God, to have me dead in a box in the ground, with my virtue still intact, than to continue in this life living dishonorably, and unworthily. Because I still believed, that regardless if I stayed chaste and celibate in my life, I would still be considered less worthy than the straight, married woman with 5 kids, at the day of Judgement. 

I'm not alone in my thinking. While I am no longer in that state of mind, because I have finally come to accept myself for who I am, there are countless young LGBT Mormons who are going through this line of thinking. Too high of a percentage of them end up attempting to take their own lives, and too many of them succeed. We are losing my generation of Mormons, because they believe that they have no place in this Church... they believe that God would love them more if they died, instead of living a full and meaningful life. 

I want to make a difference in the Church. I want to make a difference in my community. I want to help. I want to be a resource of Christ-like love, and acceptance. Because the only "tolerance trap" that exists on this earth, is to believe that people only deserve our "at arms reach" tolerance. People deserve so much more. You deserve it. I deserve it. Your sons and daughters, deserve it. Your brothers and sisters deserve it. The young woman in your ward, the neighbors down the street, the kid in your history class... they all deserve it. 

Love one another. Treat others as you want to be treated. These are principles that every person, from any faith or walk of life can embrace.

I Got To Be A Missionary Today

A woman came into my store at work today, and asked if she could ask me something a little personal. I said sure, because I'm an open book, and if she asked me something especially obnoxious or offensive, I could simply ask her to leave. She asked me if I was Mormon, and I said yes. And she asked me to help her understand what we believe, because she was having a hard time understanding how we call ourselves Christian. (She's a Southern Baptist, and I work at a ski resort so we get a lot of people from out of state, and out of the country, where the Church has a lot less presence.)

I thought about it for a second... what could I say to her to help her have a better understanding of the Gospel? So I testified of Christ. For the first time ever, I have testified of Christ. To someone other than the people in church at fast and testimony meeting. I testified of His divine birth, and His ministry. But more than anything else, I testified of His saving Atonement... because that is arguably the most important event in religious history. I told her that while we are nicknamed the Mormons, and the Mormon Church because of our belief in the Book of Mormon, our official name is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Christ is the center of our faith, and the center of our testimonies. I testified of the Book of Mormon as another testament of Jesus Christ, and that it isn't as crazy and far out as it can seem. I testified of Joseph Smith, I testified of revelation. 

She asked me to explain the Godhead, and what happens when we die. She asked me about the temple, and while I couldn't tell her much, I was able to tell her enough for her to understand. I then asked her if she was planning on going down into Salt Lake City while she's here on her vacation, and she said yes. So I gave her directions to get to Temple Square, and told her to write down questions to ask the missionaries.  

It felt a little weird... I never had an opportunity to serve my mission, so I've never done "real" missionary work. But it was fulfilling, because I could feel the Spirit. I was able to testify of truth, and I was able to help answer her questions, and help her understand what we believe. 

My missionary service wasn't rescinded when my call was taken away. My patriarchal blessing says, "There are significant purposes and circumstances where you will provide very valuable assistance in accomplishing the work of The Lord." 

Maybe this is my mission.

Two Paths Diverged In A Wood...

I have no idea what I want or where I want to go. Absolutely no idea. I want to go back to Church, and yet I don't. And it's not so much that I don't want to go back, it's that I don't know how. I love the Gospel more than I can explain... And I miss it in my life. I miss going to church every week and learning something new, and just being in that "spiritually uplifted" state of mind. But the problem is a ward... I need to be able to find a ward that I will feel safe and comfortable in. And that's not going to be easy. 

It's not as simple as you think... I can't just walk into my ward and expect the bishop to be ok with (1) my gayness, (2) my cohabitation with another woman, who by the way, is my ex, and (3) won't immediately excommunicate me upon hearing that I was sexually active with *gasp* a woman! (You really need to read that last part in the voice of the Emperor's Aid dude from Mulan... It makes it that much more epic)

I need to find a bishop that is progressive enough to know and understand that being gay is not a choice, and that I'm no less of a person because of it. I need my bishop to understand that I will not repent for having sex with a woman (have you ever heard of a bishop who expects a straight man to repent for having sex with a woman? Of course not! They will expect them to repent for the sexual act only.) Some bishops will see that declaration as me being unrepentant (and possibly an apostate), and will convene a disciplinary council to address the issue (and my membership). My ideal bishop will be able to separate the act from the orientation. 

All in all, I don't regret loving Melissa. I don't regret anything that happened in our relationship. At all. And it's hard to repent for something that I don't regret... I honestly don't even think it's a real thing. And I don't want to repent for it, simply because I don't think it's wrong for me to have loved her. The only thing that I could agree that was "wrong" about the nature of our relationship, was that we were unmarried and sexually active. And we couldn't remedy that by getting married, because Utah doesn't perform same sex marriages, or recognizes one performed in another state, and even if it did, the LDS Church does not. So marriage wasn't a realistic option. (Not to mention that I would be going through a divorce right now rather than just a break up)

Why am I talking about repentance? I miss the temple. It's quite simple really... I miss being in the presence of God. And for the last couple of months I've had this unshakable feeling that I need to go through the temple and receive my endowment. Yeah, talk about fucking complicated.

Do you see how I feel like I'm stuck in open water with nothing but a raft? It's not just the Melissa/Megan shit that going down. It's not just the fact that I have no real family that actually wants to see me or invite me home for Christmas (which with my new job, I might actually be able to afford now). Everything is connected. It's like my life is a big ball of copper wire... every wire represents an aspect of my life. But the wires are all tangled up in a big knot. And whenever anything happens, big or small, an electrical shock is shot through it. And because its a big tangled ball of copper wire, EVERYTHING gets shocked.

What do I do? What path do I choose? Where do I go?

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?