Drowning

How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?

Two Paths Diverged In A Wood...

I have no idea what I want or where I want to go. Absolutely no idea. I want to go back to Church, and yet I don't. And it's not so much that I don't want to go back, it's that I don't know how. I love the Gospel more than I can explain... And I miss it in my life. I miss going to church every week and learning something new, and just being in that "spiritually uplifted" state of mind. But the problem is a ward... I need to be able to find a ward that I will feel safe and comfortable in. And that's not going to be easy. 

It's not as simple as you think... I can't just walk into my ward and expect the bishop to be ok with (1) my gayness, (2) my cohabitation with another woman, who by the way, is my ex, and (3) won't immediately excommunicate me upon hearing that I was sexually active with *gasp* a woman! (You really need to read that last part in the voice of the Emperor's Aid dude from Mulan... It makes it that much more epic)

I need to find a bishop that is progressive enough to know and understand that being gay is not a choice, and that I'm no less of a person because of it. I need my bishop to understand that I will not repent for having sex with a woman (have you ever heard of a bishop who expects a straight man to repent for having sex with a woman? Of course not! They will expect them to repent for the sexual act only.) Some bishops will see that declaration as me being unrepentant (and possibly an apostate), and will convene a disciplinary council to address the issue (and my membership). My ideal bishop will be able to separate the act from the orientation. 

All in all, I don't regret loving Melissa. I don't regret anything that happened in our relationship. At all. And it's hard to repent for something that I don't regret... I honestly don't even think it's a real thing. And I don't want to repent for it, simply because I don't think it's wrong for me to have loved her. The only thing that I could agree that was "wrong" about the nature of our relationship, was that we were unmarried and sexually active. And we couldn't remedy that by getting married, because Utah doesn't perform same sex marriages, or recognizes one performed in another state, and even if it did, the LDS Church does not. So marriage wasn't a realistic option. (Not to mention that I would be going through a divorce right now rather than just a break up)

Why am I talking about repentance? I miss the temple. It's quite simple really... I miss being in the presence of God. And for the last couple of months I've had this unshakable feeling that I need to go through the temple and receive my endowment. Yeah, talk about fucking complicated.

Do you see how I feel like I'm stuck in open water with nothing but a raft? It's not just the Melissa/Megan shit that going down. It's not just the fact that I have no real family that actually wants to see me or invite me home for Christmas (which with my new job, I might actually be able to afford now). Everything is connected. It's like my life is a big ball of copper wire... every wire represents an aspect of my life. But the wires are all tangled up in a big knot. And whenever anything happens, big or small, an electrical shock is shot through it. And because its a big tangled ball of copper wire, EVERYTHING gets shocked.

What do I do? What path do I choose? Where do I go?

Limbo, Limbo

•Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?

D-Day Plus 10

I find it really ironic that my break up coincided with June 6th, D-Day. So now... in the aftermath of my break-up/divorce/whatever you want to call it, I can count the day's as D-Day Plus 1, 2, 3. It makes me a mega nerd, but it's effective in keeping track of the days.

Last night really sucked. I couldn't sleep and Maggie refused to lay anywhere near me... which put a wrench into the whole theory that if she cuddles with me, then I won't feel so lonely and cold in my big empty bed. And it would have worked, if she wouldn't have been acting so anti-social. Trust me when I say that Maggie is a very... friendly... dog. Meanie dog face just wanted to hang out with Bridey... Traitor.

So now I'm sitting at work, and its slow, and I have too much time on my hands to think about everything I don't want to think about. Like all the dirty, nasty sex that probably happened on the other side of the Wasatch. Who in their right mind would want to be thinking about the love of their life having sex with another woman?? Certainly not me, and yet... here I am.

*cue the cane yanking me off the stage.*

On the good side of life... the one I haven't seen in what feels like a year... I got a new job! I am the newest employee with American Express! I had the interview on Thursday afternoon, and after telling me that I would find out by the next day, my interviewer called me back to extend the offer after about an hour... needless to say, I think they like me a whole lot :) And the salary is quite nice... I don't feel comfortable saying how much it is, but I'm making roughly double of what I've been making the last 2 years. And that's significant. I'll finally be able to go to the eye doctor and get new glasses with the stronger prescription I've been needing for the last year. I'll be able to update my wardrobe. I'll be able to buy a reliable car. Get some real furniture... So yeah... I'll be living like a normal human being, rather than a starving college student for the first time since I moved from Defiance.

AND... they have an on-site fitness center. So I'll finally be able to start losing weight, and getting back into shape without spending money I don't have, on a gym membership that I'll be too lazy to use. Now all I'll have to do is go to work an hour early, or leave an hour late... It'll be easy. No problem. Don't get me wrong... I'm still lazy, and I'll still not want to go more often than not. But at least I won't be wasting any money, and I won't have any excuse to say that its too far, or that I don't have time, because it's at my work. Piece of cake. Hopefully I'll be able to get a workout buddy, so I can't skimp out on it. :)

So... I'm a huge World War II buff... I absolutely love it. And I own a lot of World War II movies... Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, Windtalkers, Flags of Our Fathers, Valkyrie, Letters From Iwo Jima, Saints and Soldiers, and U-571. Plus a bunch of other war movies from other wars. I'm looking for suggestions on other good movies (and books... I'll never say no to a good book) that I should look into.

Ok, I'm bored. And my shift ends in about 30 minutes, so I should probably go and do the things that I'm being paid to do.

Au revoiur!

Joke Was On Me All Along...

Truth's out... Melissa had an affair. Complete with saucy text messages about how much they love each other, and plenty of other things that make me want to be sick. The drives to "clear her head" while we were breaking up, turned out to be engineered to go out and see her. The "innocent" kiss at Pride turned out to be not-so-innocent (The Pride Festival and Parade happened before Melissa and I broke up... we didn't break up for 4 more days). And all along through the break up, when I asked her directly if she was seeing and/or kissing Megan, I consistently got "no" as an answer. Even after I confronted her with the evidence. But yet again... It was a lie disguised as her "not wanting to hurt me anymore than she already has". Have they had sex? She says not yet... But they're in Heber this weekend, and I'm sure it's happened by now...

I was surprisingly calm when I found everything out in the early hours of Thursday morning... But knowing that I was cheated on really puts a wrench into me being cool, calm, and collected.

What I can't understand is how Megan has one bit of compassion or a conscience. She knew that Melissa was in love with me. She knew that she was engaged. Engaged to be MARRIED! Yet, she still pursued her, flirted with her, and seduced her. How does someone have no conscience about going after a "married" woman? There were emails where Melissa says she feels bad for hurting me, and Megan's response is, "You aren't a horrible person." I'm sorry, but she broke off our engagement because she had an affair. With you. You both should feel terrible. I think that Melissa does... But I think Megan is simply polishing her trophy, and not giving a damn who she stepped on and hurt to get to it.

I finally understand why people blame themselves when they're partner/spouse cheats and has an affair. I keep thinking about where Melissa and I would be if she didn't work at L's (where she met Megan). Or if I could've done something better... 

It's one thing for people to get cold feet in their relationship, especially when it's getting serious. It's pretty healthy to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want in your life. And that was what she told me in the beginning. 

In the waning days of our relationship, I noticed Melissa pulling away from me. I thought that she might not be attracted to me anymore. Whenever I'd touch her, or kiss her forehead, she always reacted like she didn't want me to touch her. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I even asked her specifically, and she still said no... And she would say it in the most loving and affectionate way. But in reality, she was no longer attracted to me, and instead was attracted to that woman. Joke's on me. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and was completely oblivious to what was going on under my nose.

I feel so pathetic.

It's Been Swell

I met Melissa in May 2012. We started dating June 17, 2012, I told her that I loved her July 26th, and she asked me to marry her on November 4, 2012. June 10, 2013 she called it quits. I'm not going to pretend like I'm doing ok... Because I'm not. My heart is shattered and I feel like I'll never be happy again. (Where's my Patronus when I need it?) But here's to another door opening. Here's to living one day at a time.

We are still living together. Mostly we're too broke to afford to move out. And aside from being my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I don't want to cut her out  of my life. Because if I cut her out, then there's no one else left (My immediate family and I mutually evicted each other from our lives). 

But it's hard to not look at her like my girlfriend. I can't look at her with "roommate eyes" yet. I can't stop calling her "baby", "dear(est)", and "love"... Because we rarely used our first names in casual conversation with each other. It feels artificial, and fake. 

But it's not.

She's started flirting with (and possibly had started dating) a girl that she works with at Lowes... Megan. She's has had a crush on Melissa from the beginning. When they first started being friends, Melissa asked me if it was ok that they text, and hang out. Naturally, I said yes, because fully I trusted her. I told her that it was fine with me as long as the relationship stays appropriate. Joke's on me I guess.

I don't know who to reach out to... I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, because I caught the "married and boring" bug. I spent my free time with Melissa and few others. So it's going to be interesting.

Anyone in need of a sad, and pathetic friend?

It's gonna be rough going. It's going to suck. But, all in all, it'll be ok. It gets better, right?