That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Invisible

My life is up in the air right now... nothing is in stone. Nothing makes any sense, and I just want things to be easy. But they aren't. I love the people I can't have, and love the people who don't love me. I love, but never get loved back... I take things personally, and wear my heart on my sleeve, and that gets me in trouble. I try to be myself, but am judged upon it. I have one good friend. She drops me like a rusty can. I have another good friend, who dropped me like a rusty can, because of my sh*tty friendship with good friend #1. I don't have anyone in this world. I don't have any family. I don't have many friends. I live in a city 2000 miles from where I grew up... a city where I can blend in, and disappear. Which is a good thing. I want to disappear. Not like forever... but I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be noticed. I want to be invisible. Just for a day.

Chocolate can heal all wounds... but scars still remain.

I have the best guy in the world right now. He knew that I was having a hard day from last night, and he came over, and he brought over his homemade chocolate pretzels. And by homemade, I mean it. He spent an hour or so making them for me, and then brought them to me. And then stayed for an hour an watched Mythbusters with me, and then did some magic tricks for Abby. So he's gained her trust, which makes me know that he is a good guy. Because she is so intuitive, and she knows who's good and who's bad. She's telling me that he's a good man. And he's the kind of guy I can see myself marrying. Which, for the record, scares the hell outta me. But its true. 

And the chocolate helped with my bad day... it really did. The chocolates were flippin amazing, and he was flippin amazing... because he cared enough to bring them to me. But the chocolate didn't heal everything. I'm still hurt, and I'm still upset. I talked to Tess, and she said that I should write a letter to Christine... a letter that I won't ever give to her, because its not for her, its for me. Its for me to get all my words and anger out, so when I actually talk to her, I won't say something stupid that I'll regret. But if we're being honest... all writing that letter did was make me mad. And now all I want to do is scream at her. Which isn't good. Because once I start yelling... I don't stop.

My life is ridiculous right now... I hate my life right now...

I'm just gonna get right down to the chase... because nothing's gonna matter anymore from this. Not to mention that I can't vent about this to anyone... not to Tess, because its also her best friend, not to Missy, because I might as well me dead to her, and not to Christine, because she's the one being a b****.

I had a fantastic day today. I slept in, went to the aviary with Abby, went and hung out with Tessie and Pixie, ate pizza and ice cream, AND I played softball... got hit in the ankle by a line drive, but it doesn't matter, because I had a wonderful day! And then we decide to go see Transformers 3 in 3D at midnight. Awesome right? That's what I thought. Tess calls Christine and Todd to see if they want to come, and they do. I also invited Ben, the boy I'm dating, because I knew that this was a movie that he would enjoy.

Well... they get here, and we take their car because they get the best gas mileage, and they could fit all of us in their car. We get going, and I'm talking, and all of a sudden, Christine calls out, "Ellen! You're talking really loud!". I had no idea... my voice naturally projects... I know this... but I had no idea that it was loud right then. I shut up. I stop talking, and when I do decide to open my mouth, I make sure I'm dead quiet. We start talking about Friday Night Lights... and Tessie accidentally told me something about the show I hadn't seen yet, and Christine yelled at us about it. Tess could tell I was upset, even Andy could tell I was upset. Once we got to the theater, everyone got out of the car, and we started walking towards the theater, but Christine didn't get out of the car. Todd waited for her, but me and Tess honestly didn't know she wasn't right behind us. She looked pretty upset about it. Once we got into the theater and met up with Ben, and were getting towards our seats, I noticed Ben wasn't behind me, he was behind Todd, and Christine. So I stepped far out of the way, so they could go in, and so I could sit next to Ben. My date. And she looked at me like I was the worst person in the world, and rose her voice, in the theater... in front of I don't know how many people, and told me to "just go" and had Ben stumble in after me... I honestly looked at Tess, and said that if she yells at me one more time, that I'd shoot her. And I wasn't kidding... I was so upset...

After the movie, we were walking out, and I asked Ben for a ride home.

1. Because it just didn't make sense to have Christine drive us all out to Taylorsville, and then have Tess drive me back out to downtown to take me home.
2. Because I sure as heck was NOT going to sit in that car with the awkward silences, and the big elephant in the room, and know that it has everything to do with me...

I told him that I would need to get my bag out of the car, and she apparently overheard that, because when I told her that I needed to get my bag, she said, "yeah, I heard you.". Didn't turn around. Didn't look at me. And sure as heck didn't say it quietly. I just cut myself off. Stopped in my tracks. Got my bag, and left. I kept my cool for Ben. But the second I walked in my front door, I broke down. Just let all the tears, and anger go. I tried calling Tess, but she didn't answer... I've cried all night. 

The thing about it, is that I have absolutely no idea what I have done to hurt her. None whatsoever. She won't talk to me. She won't look at me. I'm scared of her right now... and I'm so scared that I'm on my way to losing another really great friend within the last 2 months... I like to think sometimes that I have a pretty strong little ego... but not when it comes to this... Because if I lose her too... I don't know what I would do....

I'm lonely. I'm lonely, I'm hurt, and I'm lost. 

Lonely...

I'm in a brand new town. With brand new people. I'm in a city with 1,130,293 people in it... and a week after I move here, I got dropped by my best friend, Missy... for reasons I keep to myself, because I don't know how to understand them, much less explain them to anyone else. She introduced me to 3 people. Of those 3 friends she introduced me to, before she threw me to the dogs, one is amazing, I couldn't hid that if I tried with all my heart and soul. She is a fantastic friend, and she will be blessed a thousand times over. Another doesn't know I exist because he is so entangled in his own Hollywood good looks and award winning charm. So I've stopped trying. And the last has admitted that she really doesn't want me around.

I love Christine. She can be a fantastic friend. She's helped me move, she's helped me smile when I couldn't remember how, and she's been one of the greatest role models I have, of how to be the best Latter-day Saint woman I can be. And yet, she can get in a mood, and she can be mean, and rude, and tear me down like a Jenga Tower. She's told Tess that if she knows that I'll be hanging out with them, that she probably won't be too talkative. She's been wanting to talk to me about some things... she asked Tess to not tell me, and I respect that.  But I don't know what I've done to hurt her. I don't know what I've done to offend her. I just don't know what I've done. And it hurts.

She also has said that she can't trust me based upon my past... a past that she had nothing to do with. A past that she's only heard about through Missy... someone who stabbed me in the back. She needs to get to know me, from me. Not from anyone else. And she won't give me the opportunity to show her how amazing I can be. Because I can be an awesome person. I've made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes everyday. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I am working so hard to be a worthy member of the Church, and to keep a recommend. But I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I feel so awful about myself when I feel like someone is judging me based on the past... when they haven't seen the present.

Well... that's enough of my ranting... I'm just frustrated. And I'm probably over thinking everything... I hope I'm over thinking this. Because I don't think I can take losing another friend right now... my life is too unstable to lose one more person that means something to me. Because she means something to me.