And The Lord Sayeth to His Disciples... Vote For Abi!

So... I don't normally do this... but eff it... doing it anyway.

My friend Abi Harrison is a comedian. And she competes against boys... because she's awesome. Right now, she is the ONLY girl, and is up against 29 other guys.

And she's in 3rd place. Because she's awesome. Duh.

So help a girl out! She's hilarious, and we need her to win. It's going to launch her career into high gear, and we need more women in comedy. You can only vote once a day, but you can vote everyday til next Monday. She's Mormon... but this ain't your BYU Mormon comedy. Vote for Abi!!

Here's her entry video, and the link to vote.

Here's some of her other awesomeness...

Drowning

How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?

A Most Pleasant Surprise

After posting my "coming out" story, I've had a lot of good reception. I have yet to have someone call me a degenerate, or sinner, or whatever. Which is a relief. For the most part, I've had people thank me for telling my story, because we change hearts and minds by showing people that we are just like everyone else.

But today, I had a pleasant surprise.

Katie Seibert was my "arch-nemesis" growing up in school. She was one of the popular kids. And while I had plenty of friends, I certainly was not a stereotypical "popular kid". If you would've asked me 6 years ago if Katie was my friend, or if I was Katie's friend, I would have laughed openly in your face.

Today, I opened my computer at work, and logged onto Facebook for a little bit, and I heard the little *ding* that tells me that someone had sent me a message. It was Kait. She had read my blog, and was apologizing for how she treated me in school. My heart warmed at what I was reading. I had never heard a more sincere statement in my life. She felt bad for making me feel different.

I forgave her. Not because I had been mad at her, or that she had hurt me, or even that what she did was wrong, but deserved to hear it from me. She reached out to me, and was humble enough to say that she had done something wrong, and she deserves that from me. And I wanted to give it to her. It also turned out that we have so much more in common than we ever would've thought 6 years ago. We talked about our lives since high school, and I think that we might be friends now... like real life friends.

I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me. Having her come to me and want to reconcile differences, gives me hope that one day, I will have that reconciliation with my parents and my siblings. She's not the only one who has come to me, and wanted to be friends again... Kait, Sophie and Anthony have been the most recent, and I've still retained friends from high school who saw me for who I was, and not how I acted. It gives me hope that my family will come around. But until then, its one person at a time. And I'm ok with that.

Pride 2013

This weekend I had the privilege to march in the Utah Pride Festival's Pride Parade with a group called Mormons Building Bridges. MBB is a group of Mormons from all walks of life, all political affiliations, and all levels of active ness in the Church. But the one thing we all have in common, is love and acceptance for our LGBT family members, neighbors, and coworkers.

As I am still a believing Mormon, and an outspoken lesbian, I couldn't think of anyone better to march with, for my very first Pride Festival and Parade.

The experience was overwhelmingly positive, and loving. I marched so that people could see that one can be gay and Mormon. Or gay and religious in general. I marched so that I could help. But it was the people who lined the streets that helped me instead.

There were about 400-500 of us, which made us one of the largest participants (if not the largest). All dressed up in our Sunday best, and holding signs that have Family names, and Scripture passages, we held an opening prayer, and then we were off. I had barely walked for a half of a block, before I saw an older woman crying uncontrollably. As I got closer to her, I could see a CTR ring on her finger. I gave her the most heart-felt hug I could muster, as she choked back tears, and told me how thankful she was that we were there, and how much it meant to her. 

That's when I knew that this wouldn't be a normal parade.

As we marched, the streets were lined with people cheering, and clapping for us. Many people expressed their thanks, and appreciation. I gave many high fives, handshakes, and more hugs. I also got to see friends along the route, which made the experience that much more special.

Close to the end of the route, a young woman around my age came up to me, weeping. She gave me a hug, and then asked me if she could still have a relationship with God, even though she was gay. In those 30 seconds or so, I was able to bear my testimony of the Savior's love for us, and I instinctively recited this quote, "No matter who you are, or what you may have done, you can always pray." I have her one last hug, and a smile and I ran to catch up to the group.

When I got home, I looked up the quote, as I didn't know who said it. I was unbelievably surprised when I saw that I had quoted Elder Boyd K. Packer. After all of the discouraging, and down right hurtful things Elder Packer has said concerning people who are gay, I was so pleased to be able to offer his words as a comfort for this wonderful lesbian. It sure was fitting, and blissfully ironic.

My testimony grew. My heart grew. This parade spiritually uplifted me more than any other event in my life with the exception of my baptism. I encourage anyone who wants to be involved for next years parade, to do it. It was unbelievable. 

I have no idea what I want in my life...

So... I'm dating this kid. His name is Zac. He's a cool kid, and I like him. But for some reason... now that we are dating, I have this weird, uncomfortable feeling about everything. I don't know... I have a hard time being able to see him, and be attached to him. Its like I have this mental block that doesn't let me love anyone else but that one person from last year. I can't get past the fact that I loved them. I loved them, and they broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I can recover from that. I'm broken.

Now onto school. I love school. And I'm loving my classes and my major. But the more I ski, and the more I learn, and develop a passion, and a knowledge base about skiing, the more I don't want to study politics... and the more I want to stay in the ski industry. I'm already a total ski bum in the winter time... clocking almost 50 days on snow. I just bought a new pair of skis, and have bought a season pass to The Canyons in Park City. I just cannot focus on anything other than snow, and trees, and steeps. My classes are important, and I know that I'm studying the right thing in school... but I just cannot focus. :( My Comparative Politics class is kicking my ass, so is my Party Politics, and European Politics class. I work my ass off trying to keep my grades up... I study at work, I put my boyfriend second, to go to the library for the rest of the night instead. I never see my friends, or my roommates because I'm working full-time, and studying full-time. I'm exhausted. 

I don't know what I want anymore. I am so confused. I have no idea.

Well, there goes the rest of my summer. And fall. And Winter...

We had a softball game Tuesday. Exciting stuff. Til I got up to my first at bat, and tore my ACL. I had a couple of flexibility tests done on it that night, and I need to get a CT/MRI to confirm it, but we're pretty certain that it's torn, or at the very least, a severe strain. So I'm on crutches til Monday at the very very earliest. And then 6 months of recovery, if I don't have to have any surgery, and up to a year if I do. So softball is over. Skiing is most likely over. :( Everything that makes me, me, is done. At least for the next 6-12 months...

I'm afraid of relationships... relationships of any kind... friends, family, boys... anything. Because everyone has let me down... especially family. Everyone I had ever cared about, and stuck my neck out for, has left without a look back. Missy was the biggest one. I cared like crazy. And she knew everything about me... and then out of the blue, she was done with me. Done. Over. The same thing is happening with Christine right now. And I'm afraid that its going to happen to Tessie. Because she told me the other day that I'm her best friend. And every best friend I have ever had, has cut me off for bigger and better people. I really like Tess... she's a really great person, and she treats me like a person that's worth something. I just can't be let down by one more person...

I feel like the giving tree...

The tree loves that boy so much. Whatever the boy wanted, the tree gave it. And the boy takes, and takes, and takes until all that's left is a stump. And thats how I feel... I love people so much... especially Missy... that I give and give and give, until I'm just a stump. And I just keep giving... and keep getting left behind.

I have the greatest friend in the world...

My friend Tess is officially the greatest person in the entire world. Here is why.

She was having a bad day, and apparently, I made it better. By giving her a cold Dr. Pepper, a Pie breadstick, and listening to her talk. But she really had an impact on me, she talked me through a lot of things, and when she left, I didn't really feel any better, but I did know I had a friend on my side. A few hours later I missed a call from her. And when I heard her voicemail... not gonna lie, it made me cry a little bit. She made me feel worth it... like I'm worth something to the world. I feel like I've got a really great friend on my hands here... :D

I play fast pitch softball on Tuesdays. I absolutely LOVE to play softball... It's  pretty much the love of my life. :D But seriously... Its been the greatest outlet of negative energy this summer. We have our games on Tuesdays, and then we will have practices on Mondays and Thursdays. Almost no one comes to the practices, but its fine with me, because I get some really good fielding practice. Already, I have seen a HUGE difference in my fielding because of the high amount of balls, and one-on-one practice I have gotten. When I was in high school, I was mainly a catcher, but I've getting more reps at 3rd, because Tessie is our catcher. I LOVE playing 3rd. I fit really well there. Because I was a catcher, I have a great arm, and quick reflexes... so I am quick enough to scoop up a slapped ground ball, and have the strength to throw the ball across the field to Keni at 1st. Our team isn't exactly what you'd call a championship contender, but we have fun with it, and that's all that matters. Our success has also been ham-stringed by the fact that our team, made up of girls up to 7 years out of high school, is playing against high school teams, that have been playing together on that level all spring. But it's fun, and that's all that matters to me. We're thinking about getting a slow pitch team together for the fall... I hope we do!!

So even though I didn't have the greatest day today... Tessie, made it better, and showed me that I'm worth it, and that I'm worth loving, and caring about. And that makes me smile!

My life is ridiculous right now... I hate my life right now...

I'm just gonna get right down to the chase... because nothing's gonna matter anymore from this. Not to mention that I can't vent about this to anyone... not to Tess, because its also her best friend, not to Missy, because I might as well me dead to her, and not to Christine, because she's the one being a b****.

I had a fantastic day today. I slept in, went to the aviary with Abby, went and hung out with Tessie and Pixie, ate pizza and ice cream, AND I played softball... got hit in the ankle by a line drive, but it doesn't matter, because I had a wonderful day! And then we decide to go see Transformers 3 in 3D at midnight. Awesome right? That's what I thought. Tess calls Christine and Todd to see if they want to come, and they do. I also invited Ben, the boy I'm dating, because I knew that this was a movie that he would enjoy.

Well... they get here, and we take their car because they get the best gas mileage, and they could fit all of us in their car. We get going, and I'm talking, and all of a sudden, Christine calls out, "Ellen! You're talking really loud!". I had no idea... my voice naturally projects... I know this... but I had no idea that it was loud right then. I shut up. I stop talking, and when I do decide to open my mouth, I make sure I'm dead quiet. We start talking about Friday Night Lights... and Tessie accidentally told me something about the show I hadn't seen yet, and Christine yelled at us about it. Tess could tell I was upset, even Andy could tell I was upset. Once we got to the theater, everyone got out of the car, and we started walking towards the theater, but Christine didn't get out of the car. Todd waited for her, but me and Tess honestly didn't know she wasn't right behind us. She looked pretty upset about it. Once we got into the theater and met up with Ben, and were getting towards our seats, I noticed Ben wasn't behind me, he was behind Todd, and Christine. So I stepped far out of the way, so they could go in, and so I could sit next to Ben. My date. And she looked at me like I was the worst person in the world, and rose her voice, in the theater... in front of I don't know how many people, and told me to "just go" and had Ben stumble in after me... I honestly looked at Tess, and said that if she yells at me one more time, that I'd shoot her. And I wasn't kidding... I was so upset...

After the movie, we were walking out, and I asked Ben for a ride home.

1. Because it just didn't make sense to have Christine drive us all out to Taylorsville, and then have Tess drive me back out to downtown to take me home.
2. Because I sure as heck was NOT going to sit in that car with the awkward silences, and the big elephant in the room, and know that it has everything to do with me...

I told him that I would need to get my bag out of the car, and she apparently overheard that, because when I told her that I needed to get my bag, she said, "yeah, I heard you.". Didn't turn around. Didn't look at me. And sure as heck didn't say it quietly. I just cut myself off. Stopped in my tracks. Got my bag, and left. I kept my cool for Ben. But the second I walked in my front door, I broke down. Just let all the tears, and anger go. I tried calling Tess, but she didn't answer... I've cried all night. 

The thing about it, is that I have absolutely no idea what I have done to hurt her. None whatsoever. She won't talk to me. She won't look at me. I'm scared of her right now... and I'm so scared that I'm on my way to losing another really great friend within the last 2 months... I like to think sometimes that I have a pretty strong little ego... but not when it comes to this... Because if I lose her too... I don't know what I would do....

I'm lonely. I'm lonely, I'm hurt, and I'm lost. 

Lonely...

I'm in a brand new town. With brand new people. I'm in a city with 1,130,293 people in it... and a week after I move here, I got dropped by my best friend, Missy... for reasons I keep to myself, because I don't know how to understand them, much less explain them to anyone else. She introduced me to 3 people. Of those 3 friends she introduced me to, before she threw me to the dogs, one is amazing, I couldn't hid that if I tried with all my heart and soul. She is a fantastic friend, and she will be blessed a thousand times over. Another doesn't know I exist because he is so entangled in his own Hollywood good looks and award winning charm. So I've stopped trying. And the last has admitted that she really doesn't want me around.

I love Christine. She can be a fantastic friend. She's helped me move, she's helped me smile when I couldn't remember how, and she's been one of the greatest role models I have, of how to be the best Latter-day Saint woman I can be. And yet, she can get in a mood, and she can be mean, and rude, and tear me down like a Jenga Tower. She's told Tess that if she knows that I'll be hanging out with them, that she probably won't be too talkative. She's been wanting to talk to me about some things... she asked Tess to not tell me, and I respect that.  But I don't know what I've done to hurt her. I don't know what I've done to offend her. I just don't know what I've done. And it hurts.

She also has said that she can't trust me based upon my past... a past that she had nothing to do with. A past that she's only heard about through Missy... someone who stabbed me in the back. She needs to get to know me, from me. Not from anyone else. And she won't give me the opportunity to show her how amazing I can be. Because I can be an awesome person. I've made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes everyday. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I am working so hard to be a worthy member of the Church, and to keep a recommend. But I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I feel so awful about myself when I feel like someone is judging me based on the past... when they haven't seen the present.

Well... that's enough of my ranting... I'm just frustrated. And I'm probably over thinking everything... I hope I'm over thinking this. Because I don't think I can take losing another friend right now... my life is too unstable to lose one more person that means something to me. Because she means something to me.