What happens when you threaten someone.........

You get the cops called on you. Plain and simple. Sorry Missy... but when you tell me that you and your friends are going to kick my ass if you ever see me, is not exactly what I call "fun and games". Have fun with your assault charge. 

That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Invisible

My life is up in the air right now... nothing is in stone. Nothing makes any sense, and I just want things to be easy. But they aren't. I love the people I can't have, and love the people who don't love me. I love, but never get loved back... I take things personally, and wear my heart on my sleeve, and that gets me in trouble. I try to be myself, but am judged upon it. I have one good friend. She drops me like a rusty can. I have another good friend, who dropped me like a rusty can, because of my sh*tty friendship with good friend #1. I don't have anyone in this world. I don't have any family. I don't have many friends. I live in a city 2000 miles from where I grew up... a city where I can blend in, and disappear. Which is a good thing. I want to disappear. Not like forever... but I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be noticed. I want to be invisible. Just for a day.

Life-long Vagabond

Well... I'm on the move again. Still staying in Salt Lake, but I'm moving houses again. I've been living with Tess and Andy for the last few months, and I have loved it. They are fantastic people, and I love them. But they are wanting some space, and some one-on-one time with each other... and quite honestly, I do not want to be around for the "one-on-one" time ;) if ya know what I mean. So, they gave me til the end of November to find a new place. Which is more than enough time. Sucks that I have to move again so fast, but, it'll be alright. :)

When looking for a place there are a few things that are important...

1. I need my own room. Not that I don't like to share a room, because if I room with the right person I love it. (like my roommate Mackenzie last year... that was amazingly fun!) But I've gotten to the point where I like to have my own space, and to have a space to go and be alone if I want to.
2. My roommates need to be LDS, or live LDS standards. I'm getting back into the church, and I need all the help I can get so I don't fall off the wagon again. They don't have to be LDS necessarily, but I just cannot live with girls who go out and party, and drink and have boys over every night. Because I'm afraid that if they do it, I'll do it. And I can't do that right now.
3. I need it to be affordable. Under $300/month if I can.
4. And I need to be as close to school OR work that I can. 

Which brings me to my next point.

I was looking on KSL tonight, and I found an apartment that fits all the bills, except the last one. (It would be just about the same distance from work and school as I am now in Taylorsville) Its a little house 4 bedroom house, 4 girls to the house, $200/month, and everyone is LDS. The only little hang up is that its in East Millcreek. Literally 5 minutes from Missy's parent's house. So close that I am in her home singles ward... the same ward her younger sister Kristine goes to, and the same ward that she will go to when she is in town... which is going to be super awkward... seeing that she hates me. The price is right. The roommates are right. The house is right. And the location is perfect... leaving Missy and the her family out of it. I want to go for it. I really really do. I just don't want to accidentally create drama by moving there. Because I do not, under any circumstances, want to make my life harder than it already is.

But I think the biggest perk is going to be that I am right off the I-80/I-215... which means I am worlds closer to the ski resorts than I am here in Taylorsville :) That makes a big difference on my decision too :D

I have no idea what I want in my life...

So... I'm dating this kid. His name is Zac. He's a cool kid, and I like him. But for some reason... now that we are dating, I have this weird, uncomfortable feeling about everything. I don't know... I have a hard time being able to see him, and be attached to him. Its like I have this mental block that doesn't let me love anyone else but that one person from last year. I can't get past the fact that I loved them. I loved them, and they broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I can recover from that. I'm broken.

Now onto school. I love school. And I'm loving my classes and my major. But the more I ski, and the more I learn, and develop a passion, and a knowledge base about skiing, the more I don't want to study politics... and the more I want to stay in the ski industry. I'm already a total ski bum in the winter time... clocking almost 50 days on snow. I just bought a new pair of skis, and have bought a season pass to The Canyons in Park City. I just cannot focus on anything other than snow, and trees, and steeps. My classes are important, and I know that I'm studying the right thing in school... but I just cannot focus. :( My Comparative Politics class is kicking my ass, so is my Party Politics, and European Politics class. I work my ass off trying to keep my grades up... I study at work, I put my boyfriend second, to go to the library for the rest of the night instead. I never see my friends, or my roommates because I'm working full-time, and studying full-time. I'm exhausted. 

I don't know what I want anymore. I am so confused. I have no idea.

Well it has been quite a while...

So its been a crazy couple of months. I've moved from the Avenues, and now I'm living in Taylorsville with Tess and Andy. I've started my new job as the skiing authority with SNIAGRAB at Sports Authority, and I love it, but I was working 140 hour pay periods, and I about drove myself crazy. I'm taking my classes at the U, and I'm learning alot, but I am so far behind because I'm working so many hours. I'm dating a boy I'm not too sure about... I mean he's great, and wonderful. He's an RM, and he's a gentleman... but I don't think that I'm ready to really be committed to anyone... not with everything that has gone about in the last year for me. And then, last but not least... the whole Missy ordeal, but whatever. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my life, and the people I have in it. I have made wonderful friends up here... but there is something missing... and I don't know how to fix it.