Limbo, Limbo

•Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?

D-Day Plus 10

I find it really ironic that my break up coincided with June 6th, D-Day. So now... in the aftermath of my break-up/divorce/whatever you want to call it, I can count the day's as D-Day Plus 1, 2, 3. It makes me a mega nerd, but it's effective in keeping track of the days.

Last night really sucked. I couldn't sleep and Maggie refused to lay anywhere near me... which put a wrench into the whole theory that if she cuddles with me, then I won't feel so lonely and cold in my big empty bed. And it would have worked, if she wouldn't have been acting so anti-social. Trust me when I say that Maggie is a very... friendly... dog. Meanie dog face just wanted to hang out with Bridey... Traitor.

So now I'm sitting at work, and its slow, and I have too much time on my hands to think about everything I don't want to think about. Like all the dirty, nasty sex that probably happened on the other side of the Wasatch. Who in their right mind would want to be thinking about the love of their life having sex with another woman?? Certainly not me, and yet... here I am.

*cue the cane yanking me off the stage.*

On the good side of life... the one I haven't seen in what feels like a year... I got a new job! I am the newest employee with American Express! I had the interview on Thursday afternoon, and after telling me that I would find out by the next day, my interviewer called me back to extend the offer after about an hour... needless to say, I think they like me a whole lot :) And the salary is quite nice... I don't feel comfortable saying how much it is, but I'm making roughly double of what I've been making the last 2 years. And that's significant. I'll finally be able to go to the eye doctor and get new glasses with the stronger prescription I've been needing for the last year. I'll be able to update my wardrobe. I'll be able to buy a reliable car. Get some real furniture... So yeah... I'll be living like a normal human being, rather than a starving college student for the first time since I moved from Defiance.

AND... they have an on-site fitness center. So I'll finally be able to start losing weight, and getting back into shape without spending money I don't have, on a gym membership that I'll be too lazy to use. Now all I'll have to do is go to work an hour early, or leave an hour late... It'll be easy. No problem. Don't get me wrong... I'm still lazy, and I'll still not want to go more often than not. But at least I won't be wasting any money, and I won't have any excuse to say that its too far, or that I don't have time, because it's at my work. Piece of cake. Hopefully I'll be able to get a workout buddy, so I can't skimp out on it. :)

So... I'm a huge World War II buff... I absolutely love it. And I own a lot of World War II movies... Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, Windtalkers, Flags of Our Fathers, Valkyrie, Letters From Iwo Jima, Saints and Soldiers, and U-571. Plus a bunch of other war movies from other wars. I'm looking for suggestions on other good movies (and books... I'll never say no to a good book) that I should look into.

Ok, I'm bored. And my shift ends in about 30 minutes, so I should probably go and do the things that I'm being paid to do.

Au revoiur!

The Sanctity of Marriage

I was thinking about people's reasoning's for being against marriage equality the other day. People quote the Bible at me, or tell me that its just gross (unless its a guy that I'm talking to... then he's thinking "threesome"). But the one that I've been hearing most often, is that they are committed to securing the sanctity of marriage. Here's what I have to say to that:

"If you believe in preserving the sanctity of marriage, then relinquish your right to divorce."

Lets think about it... Larry King has been divorced 8 times to 7 different women! How's that for preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Or Kim Kardashian and Whats-His-Face... married for like 70 days. Brittney Spears and Whats-His-Face... married for 72 hours. And those are just celebrities... I personally don't expect much out of them. What about the average Joe who lives 2 doors down?

Here are some statistics from here in the US.

Percentages broken down by age:

• Under 20. Men: 11.7% Women: 27.6%
• 20-24. Men: 38.8% Women: 36.6%
• 25-29. Men: 22.3% Women: 16.4%
• 30-34. Men: 11.6% Women: 8.5%
• 35-39. Men: 6.5% Women: 5.1% 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

• First Marriage: 41%
• Second Marriage: 60%
• Third Marriage: 73% 

Looks like Larry King is the poster boy of this statistic...

Now, I don't actually believe that divorce should be stripped from all lawfully wedding couples.... most people don't just get divorced for the fun of it... There is almost always a good reason for it. Melissa's parents are a prime example. There is no way to regulate who can/can't get a divorce, or why (kind of like abortion... but that's not the point). People deserve to end a marriage if they have to.

I believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that marriage is eternal and everlasting. Divorce is a complicated, and messy situation, and I believe that it should be avoided at all costs. Marriage is based on love. Based on sacrifice. There are millions of same-gender couples out there whose relationships last longer than most marriages out there. They love each other. They fight, and argue, and bicker just like everyone else. And they have the easy way out! They can just pack up their things and leave... they don't need a divorce to break up. But they stay in it. They fight for it. And they don't give up.

I got a new job about a month ago. And I was in the HR department filling out health insurance forms, and getting everything squared away. I asked about same-sex couples... not covered, because all of the insurance companies are run by the state government, who does not recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions. Nor is Melissa entitled to any spousal benefits, that would routinely be given to a spouse. While I was talking this over with the HR representative, she mentioned that her long-time boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, so they are in a domestic partnership... so that they can enjoy all of the legal benefits of being married, without actually being married. 

I stared at her in disbelief... that would be enough for me. Fine... don't let us get married. Don't give us the word "marriage". I'll take "Civil Union" or "Domestic Partnership"... granted I would like the same word as everyone else... but whatever. I'll take what I can get. I just want to be able to take Melissa to the ER, and have her be covered by my insurance. I just want to have the right to sit next to her, and hold her hand... and have the legal right to be there. I want to have the right to be able make medical decisions if I have to. I want her to be able to receive my life insurance benefits. I want her to be able to inherit everything that I leave to her, without any of the insanely high estate taxes. I just want to be treated like everyone else.

How much is that to ask?

Life-long Vagabond

Well... I'm on the move again. Still staying in Salt Lake, but I'm moving houses again. I've been living with Tess and Andy for the last few months, and I have loved it. They are fantastic people, and I love them. But they are wanting some space, and some one-on-one time with each other... and quite honestly, I do not want to be around for the "one-on-one" time ;) if ya know what I mean. So, they gave me til the end of November to find a new place. Which is more than enough time. Sucks that I have to move again so fast, but, it'll be alright. :)

When looking for a place there are a few things that are important...

1. I need my own room. Not that I don't like to share a room, because if I room with the right person I love it. (like my roommate Mackenzie last year... that was amazingly fun!) But I've gotten to the point where I like to have my own space, and to have a space to go and be alone if I want to.
2. My roommates need to be LDS, or live LDS standards. I'm getting back into the church, and I need all the help I can get so I don't fall off the wagon again. They don't have to be LDS necessarily, but I just cannot live with girls who go out and party, and drink and have boys over every night. Because I'm afraid that if they do it, I'll do it. And I can't do that right now.
3. I need it to be affordable. Under $300/month if I can.
4. And I need to be as close to school OR work that I can. 

Which brings me to my next point.

I was looking on KSL tonight, and I found an apartment that fits all the bills, except the last one. (It would be just about the same distance from work and school as I am now in Taylorsville) Its a little house 4 bedroom house, 4 girls to the house, $200/month, and everyone is LDS. The only little hang up is that its in East Millcreek. Literally 5 minutes from Missy's parent's house. So close that I am in her home singles ward... the same ward her younger sister Kristine goes to, and the same ward that she will go to when she is in town... which is going to be super awkward... seeing that she hates me. The price is right. The roommates are right. The house is right. And the location is perfect... leaving Missy and the her family out of it. I want to go for it. I really really do. I just don't want to accidentally create drama by moving there. Because I do not, under any circumstances, want to make my life harder than it already is.

But I think the biggest perk is going to be that I am right off the I-80/I-215... which means I am worlds closer to the ski resorts than I am here in Taylorsville :) That makes a big difference on my decision too :D

Today has just been one of those days...

I'm gonna vent for just a few seconds, if that's alright.... here we go.... 

I got my scooter fixed this week. They had f***ed it up 3 times before, but they "swore" they got it right this time. Well... the damn thing wasn't fixed. Again. Naturally I realize this 15 minutes before I have to be at work. So, I have to take TRAX to work, and am therefore, an hour late. Wonderful. I really can't afford to screw up with work, because I'm still the new girl, and I don't have any slack room. While at work, I'm just kinda down... my knee kills, I get chewed out by a customer for "stalking" him... pretty sure the guy was nuts. But whatever crazy dude... I didn't want to help you find a bike lock for your POS bike anyway. You won't need it anyway, no one is going to want to steal that piece of shiz! Get off work, and couldn't get to my friend Mikey's wedding reception, because I have no car. So I just take TRAX home. Both buses are late, and I end up accidentally taking the wrong line, so I walk the rest of the way in the cold. Got off of work at 5. Got home at 8. Wonderful. Watched "Warren Miller's PlayGround" to get myself into a better mood. Didn't help... it just made my soul ache for winter. Zac calls. Wants to hang out. I don't want to. All I want is to be by myself. But I let him come over, because I've been a horrible girlfriend, and he hasn't seen me in like, a week. Tess and Andy come home, and announce that Keni is coming over for a movie. That was good. I haven't seen her in like FOREVER. And I order pizza. Yum. Zac gets here. We watched "Anger Management". Worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was awful. I cannot understand why people feel the need to put a disgusting sexual innuendo in every conversation. Me and Keni both thought it was the worst thing I had ever seen. So at least I wasn't alone in this. But through the whole movie, Zac was super cuddly, and PDA. We have been dating for like 2 weeks. Its the first time Andy, Tess, and Keni had ever met the guy, not to mention that I'm not big on the PDA thing anyways... even when I've dated a guy for months. So I'm pretty sure that he got annoyed with that one. The movie got over, and then everyone went home, and I went to bed, ultimately to get up and write this post. Yay.

Now to a happier note... I am starting to read the Wheel of Time series again. I finished Book 2: The Great Hunt, and now I am onto Book 3: The Dragon Reborn. I love these books. They are super legit! People keep talking about the books being made into movies. Its a pretty legit idea. I like the idea a lot. But the books are so detailed, and there are so many plot lines (there are 15 books to tie together all the plot lines for crying out loud! The author, Robert Jordan, had special editors for every main character, so he didn't mix stuff up!!) that they would have to cut out so much "fluff" to make the movie short enough to watch, that they would lose too much of it. Not to mention, that I have mental images of what all the characters should look like in my head, and it would be so hard for me to have to throw away the images in my head, for the faces, and voices that Hollywood gives me. Because they have a bad track record with me when it comes to ruining all my favorite book characters. :(

Back to Zac... I'm just not feeling it with him. We have a lot in common, but in all reality, we are nothing alike. We don't do the same things. We don't like the same movies. I don't even know how to describe most of it... but we are just not for each other.

And I feel bad for the kid because I'm not 100% into this. I'm still hung up on the last person that I dated. I miss him terribly, and I don't think that I will ever fully get over him... I believe that I will love someone similar to how much I loved him, but I don't think that I can ever love someone else, as I loved him. Every day, I long for his arms around me. Every day, I wish that I could bring him back. But I can't. He's gone, and I'll never get him back. He didn't want me. And he ran. It took a lot out of me, and it continues to. I know I need to let it go... it's in the past. But how can you let go of you're first love? How can you let go of your one, true love when you honestly, believe that he will be yours, and you will be his for the rest of your lives? You don't let go of them without a fight. You never let go.

What am I doing with my life? Why is it so hard for me to see what is good in my life, and what is uncontrollable? 

NEW SKIS!!!! :D

So I bought a new pair of skis 2 weeks ago. They are the Atomic Access. 

There are so many awesome, and have had a ton of awesome reviews. Its my new one quiver ski :) and I can't wait til I can take them out and absolutely shred! I am still thinking about the possibility of buying a pair of park specific skis though... I have seen a few pairs of Volkl Pearl skis for $179.97... they are normally $500! So that might be in the works. Who knows. :) For the Access, I am going to get the Marker Squire Schizo binding.

It allows you to move the placement of your bindings forward and back depending on the conditions you are skiing in. So if I want to ski frontside for the day, or in the park, I can mount closer to the front, or in true center. If we get dumped on 2 ft, then I can mount back seat for an infamous powder day :) So pretty much... its going to be epic!

Now... I found out something freaking amazing yesterday. I work at Sports Authority... and The Canyons offers Sports Authority employees free day passes with a shop card (which we will all receive) and our most recent pay stub. 

I called Canyons yesterday, because I had bought a season pass from them, and they were awesome enough to refund my money! So now its a question of if I want to buy a season pass somewhere else, or if I want to save the money, and buy a car. Right now I am leaning towards buying a car... because I really want to be able to get up to the mountain :D

Life is good today. Other than the fact that I exhauted, and that I dont feel well :( Oh well! 

Well it has been quite a while...

So its been a crazy couple of months. I've moved from the Avenues, and now I'm living in Taylorsville with Tess and Andy. I've started my new job as the skiing authority with SNIAGRAB at Sports Authority, and I love it, but I was working 140 hour pay periods, and I about drove myself crazy. I'm taking my classes at the U, and I'm learning alot, but I am so far behind because I'm working so many hours. I'm dating a boy I'm not too sure about... I mean he's great, and wonderful. He's an RM, and he's a gentleman... but I don't think that I'm ready to really be committed to anyone... not with everything that has gone about in the last year for me. And then, last but not least... the whole Missy ordeal, but whatever. 

Don't get me wrong... I love my life, and the people I have in it. I have made wonderful friends up here... but there is something missing... and I don't know how to fix it.