Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??

I believe that life is a beautiful mess

I believe in following your passion. I believe I am invincible. I believe in my dreams, achieving my goals, and in helping other in all that I do. I will make my life everything I want it to be. I will leave my mark on the world. I believe in finding solutions for every situation I come across. I believe in doing my best. I believe my life is driven by the questions of "how" and "why". I will find the answers.

I believe in owning up to your faults and mistakes. I know I'm not perfect. I believe in looking out for the welfare of others, and helping everyone find their happiness. I believe in being caring, understanding, and compassionate. I believe in Respect, Forgiveness, Patience, and Trust.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe your life is what you make it. I believe in taking time to smell the roses, but I know life's thorns don't like to be ignored. I believe that the good must come with the bad. I believe that trials make you stronger. I believe there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I believe in the power of hard work. I believe I will have a garden in my future. I believe its about the journey, not about getting there. I believe the future's not all it's cut out to be, though it's all I look forward to. I believe there is a purpose for everything I do. I will make it be so.

I believe in living with what you are given, but never just settling. I believe life is what you make of it, and to strive for what you want. I believe I will always find happiness in every little thing.

I believe life is a beautiful mess.

First USGA Meeting

I went to my first UGSA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting today down at BYU. Its a group of a bunch of BYU students who are gay/lesbian/bisexual, to have a safe place to be able to work through it, and to be able to network, and meet people like them. There is a mix of people who are devout Mormons who abide by the Law of Chastity, and people who are questioning if they want to or not, or are trying to make a hybrid of being Mormon, and being gay with a partner, to people who have left the Church entirely. I was afraid that it was going to be a bunch of super Mormons that are all gun-ho about being celibate, blah blah blah. And I met a lot of girls (a lot of cute girls lol) that still love the Church, and will continue to love it, but are choosing to be happy, and want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and spend the rest of their lives with them. And that is exactly what I am looking for in a girl. To a "T". 

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

To-Do List

I have a bucket list, and its awesome... it has alot of boring, predictable things on it, but things that I want to do nonetheless...

Here are a few new things that aren't so boring ;)

1. Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on a street corner.
2. Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
4. Make tapioca pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
5. Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C." Enjoy the show.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
7. Buy a horse, name it "Oscar Takes The Lead," enter it in horse races.
8. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

EPICNESS