More of Maggie's Mayhem

I had to go to the bank yesterday... It was only about a mile walk to and from, so I decided to take my dog, Maggie with me. She was great on the entire walk... Except she doesn't really grasp the concept of walking beside me, or walking in front of me. She instead will walk directly in front of me, and slow down, which results in me stepping on her heels. Then she gets mad at me, and nips at my heels.

*sigh*

But that's not the point of this. We walked up to the bank, and was just going to use the ATM, but apparently this branch is super dog friendly, so they let us come in and just go to the counter. Maggie was great, and the teller even gave her 2 dog biscuits because she was so good. So I had her do some tricks... Sit and shake. She's a ham, and an absolute attention whore, so I am convinced that she was doing it for all of the attention, rather than the treat.

Guess what she did with it after we walked outside?

She buried it.

Right there in the flower beds. With the entire bank staff watching (and laughing) as well as plenty of normal, everyday pedestrians going about their daily business.

I just laughed... What else could I do. I tried to dig it up and give it to her. She just reburied it. I tried to give her the second one... But she buried it too. And she looked just so proud of herself, with the dirt in her beard, and smeared all over her face. Her expression was, "Look Mom!! Look how smart I am!" Yeah... A smart ass.... :)

That's my dog for ya... Just a day in the life.

Here's the damage:

The Sanctity of Marriage

I was thinking about people's reasoning's for being against marriage equality the other day. People quote the Bible at me, or tell me that its just gross (unless its a guy that I'm talking to... then he's thinking "threesome"). But the one that I've been hearing most often, is that they are committed to securing the sanctity of marriage. Here's what I have to say to that:

"If you believe in preserving the sanctity of marriage, then relinquish your right to divorce."

Lets think about it... Larry King has been divorced 8 times to 7 different women! How's that for preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Or Kim Kardashian and Whats-His-Face... married for like 70 days. Brittney Spears and Whats-His-Face... married for 72 hours. And those are just celebrities... I personally don't expect much out of them. What about the average Joe who lives 2 doors down?

Here are some statistics from here in the US.

Percentages broken down by age:

• Under 20. Men: 11.7% Women: 27.6%
• 20-24. Men: 38.8% Women: 36.6%
• 25-29. Men: 22.3% Women: 16.4%
• 30-34. Men: 11.6% Women: 8.5%
• 35-39. Men: 6.5% Women: 5.1% 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

• First Marriage: 41%
• Second Marriage: 60%
• Third Marriage: 73% 

Looks like Larry King is the poster boy of this statistic...

Now, I don't actually believe that divorce should be stripped from all lawfully wedding couples.... most people don't just get divorced for the fun of it... There is almost always a good reason for it. Melissa's parents are a prime example. There is no way to regulate who can/can't get a divorce, or why (kind of like abortion... but that's not the point). People deserve to end a marriage if they have to.

I believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that marriage is eternal and everlasting. Divorce is a complicated, and messy situation, and I believe that it should be avoided at all costs. Marriage is based on love. Based on sacrifice. There are millions of same-gender couples out there whose relationships last longer than most marriages out there. They love each other. They fight, and argue, and bicker just like everyone else. And they have the easy way out! They can just pack up their things and leave... they don't need a divorce to break up. But they stay in it. They fight for it. And they don't give up.

I got a new job about a month ago. And I was in the HR department filling out health insurance forms, and getting everything squared away. I asked about same-sex couples... not covered, because all of the insurance companies are run by the state government, who does not recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions. Nor is Melissa entitled to any spousal benefits, that would routinely be given to a spouse. While I was talking this over with the HR representative, she mentioned that her long-time boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, so they are in a domestic partnership... so that they can enjoy all of the legal benefits of being married, without actually being married. 

I stared at her in disbelief... that would be enough for me. Fine... don't let us get married. Don't give us the word "marriage". I'll take "Civil Union" or "Domestic Partnership"... granted I would like the same word as everyone else... but whatever. I'll take what I can get. I just want to be able to take Melissa to the ER, and have her be covered by my insurance. I just want to have the right to sit next to her, and hold her hand... and have the legal right to be there. I want to have the right to be able make medical decisions if I have to. I want her to be able to receive my life insurance benefits. I want her to be able to inherit everything that I leave to her, without any of the insanely high estate taxes. I just want to be treated like everyone else.

How much is that to ask?

In Other News

So I'm at the Coffee Garden in the 9th & 9th neighborhood in Salt Lake City. I ordered a hot chocolate, because the only seat available was next to the door, and it freezing outside. (For those of you outside of Northern Utah, Mother Nature decided to blanket us in 18-24" of snow over the last 2 days... and Snowbird got a whopping 50"!)

This was the heat sleeve they gave me... (I think they know...)

Compassion

In the immediate aftermath of Tuesday's election, social media exploded. I saw many posts with cheers of victory. I also saw posts full of complaining... predicting the Second Coming of Christ, and declaring President Obama to be the Anti-Christ. I also saw posts of people threatening to move to Canada... and I urge them to grow a pair, and do it. Good freaking riddance.

I was on the winning end of the ballot. President Obama was reelected, Jim Matheson (D) edged out Mia Love (R) for reelection in the House of Representatives, and Ben McAdams (D) won election for Salt Lake County Mayor. Although Orrin Hatch (R) beat Scott Howell (D) to keep his seat in the Senate, and Governor Gary Herbert (R) won reelection against Peter Cooke (D) for Utah Governor, I still finished at 3-2, and I'm counting that as a win. I gave my fair share of hoorays. I also played a lot of defense... A LOT of defense. A friend of mine went as far as to call me an apostate for my liberal political leanings, and suggested that, "because I support legislation that kills an innocent baby, that I deserve to be killed simply because I am a lesbian... that that would be a step in the right direction for this country to return to its former glory. (Or back to the 1950s).

Needless to say, I told him to go fuck himself, and I went on with my day.

But this post isn't about all of the asshole Republicans I know. This is about compassion.

Everyone who's LDS, knows that Church Doctrine states that marriage is between one man and one woman. Most Mormons will confirm that in their own testimonies. Melissa and I went to dinner with her mom Monday night. At the end of the meal, she said that she had prayed long and hard about homosexuality and the Church's Doctrine. She studied in the Standard Works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price), and studied articles and talks from the Ensign and General Conference... specifically from the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. She said that she has an overwhelmingly strong testimony of marriage being between one man, and one woman. That anything else is against the Lord's sacred Plan of Happiness. And that it makes her very sad for Melissa and I, because we can never achieve the Celestial Glory that is promised to us.

But she acknowledges our relationship. She acknowledges that we are dating. She expressed that she enjoys my company, and she enjoys it when I come to family functions. I am currently there as "the roommate"... because she, and Melissa's step-dad are not yet ready to "come out" as the parents of a gay child (and her girlfriend). Its not ideal... I really am not a fan... but... I know that she needs space. She needs time to process.

I worried that once Melissa and I get married, she still won't be ready to acknowledge us for what we are. I'm worried that when we have children, she won't acknowledge our family as legitimate. I worry that I'll be "the roommate" for the rest of my life. But, she likes me, and she loves her daughter unconditionally. And for now, that's what counts.

Mormons are not hateful bigots (OK... some are...). Mormons do not blindly follow the council of the First Presidency, Quorum of the Twelve, and the rest of the General Authorities (OK... fine... those people exist too...). Sure, the Church has a dirty political history with Proposition * in California in 2008. But the Church was curiously absent in the Maryland, Washington, Minnisota, and Maine ballot measures. There are many Mormons out there who support "the liberal agenda" (as Melissa's Mom calls it). There is even an emeritus General Authority, Elder Marlin K. Jensen, who spoke very lovingly about the gay Mormon community.

There are groups such as, Mormons Building Bridges, and Mormons for Marriage Equality that all support the legalization, and recognition of same-sex marriage. Mormons Building Bridges has marched in countless Pride parades this summer, I hope will continue to do so year after year. USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) is an unofficial group at BYU, that consists mostly of LGBT students, but has a significant group of "straight allies"... people who believe in us... believe that we are just the same as everyone else, and that we deserve the exact same rights as everyone else.

Thats why I voted in this election. I voted for equal rights. President Barack Obama, Jim Matheson, and Ben McAdams are my best shots at achieving equality. Defeating candidates like Richard Mourdock, and Todd Akin gave me my best shot at achieving equality. Defeating Mitt Romney gave me my best shot at equality. Reelecting President Obama, who signed the Lilly Ledbetter "Equal Pay for Equal Work" Act, repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", will give me my best chance at equality.

I can only hope that this country will begin to realize that my sexual orientation does not cause natural disasters. That it does not cause global warming. And that I will not tear down the sanctity of marriage, simply by getting married. I will not be hurting anyone.


"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - The Declaration of Independence

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: `We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.`" - Dr. Martin Luther King "I Have A Dream" speech

Testimony

I'm a very spiritual person... Always have been. Even since I've been a little girl, I have always been keen to the promptings of the Spirit... Even when I don't listen to them.

There was something about the Gospel, that the Catholic Church just didn't have. I felt like all the loose ends were tied up. Everything just clicked and made sense. The Bible supports the Book of Mormon, and the Book of Mormon supports the Bible. It never made sense that revelation would just stop at the death of Christ, and that there were no more Prophets to guide the world... It never made sense that the Canon just closed. So when the missionaries (Elder Lund, and Elder Hill) taught me that families were eternal, and that there was no "Til death do us part", I felt at peace (I had always believed that in heaven, families were together... But that is not Catholic Doctrine... Earthly relationships ended at death). When they taught me that the Canon was not closed, and that there was a living prophet on the earth, Thomas S. Monson, who receives revelation for the Church, and for the world, I was at peace... These were all things that I already believed. That's how I got my "common sense" testimony. And that is the testimony that I ran on when I got baptized.

My "spiritual" testimony didn't really kick in until this last year or so. My life was in the can... I was denied the opportunity to serve a mission, and I was crushed. I hated the Church, and I hated God. I started drinking, I stopped praying, and I stopped believing that God loved me. And I was in a dark, dark, place. I was done. And then I took a step back, and realized how miserable I was without the Church. I wasn't unhappy all of the time, but I wasn't really happy either. I was just "blah". So I decided to go back. No one pressured me, and it wasn't because of anyone else... It wasn't for the Bishop, or my visiting/home teachers... It was for me. Because who cares that I like other girls?? It's no one's fucking business!! It doesn't matter. I am no different than anyone else in my singles ward (except for the fact that I'm the vegetarian in the meat market). There is not one God damned person in my ward who can look down on me, or judge me, because they sure aren't perfect... My former home teacher should be entered as Exhibit A for the defense (but that's a story for... well...never.). I belong there just as much as everyone else.

Now, that doesn't mean that I agree with the Church on every position... Not in the least. And they range for little things, like not having a special Christmas Sacrament Meeting (I still go to Midnight Mass at the Cathedral of the Madeline every Christmas for that reason... If you've never been, GO)... To big things, like homosexuality (among others). It hurts me that I can't go to the temple anymore... I think that's what I miss the most. I hate that I am expected to live my life alone, and repress any and all attractions I have. I hate that I will never have a temple marriage, and that because I will never have a temple marriage, I will never reach the highest degree of salvation. All of these things seriously suck for me. I hate that certain General Authorities still speak on the topic of homosexuality, who have been so hurtful with their words in the past. (specifically President Boyd K. Parker and Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles). I hate that there are members of the Church (and society at large) who believe that I am sick... And that I can "overcome this affliction". It's annoying, and it implies that my life, feelings, attractions, and experiences are not authentic. I also hate that people in the Church believe that the Republican Party is God's anointed party...

But that's not the point...

The point is, is that the Gospel is true. Not the institution. Whenever I get up in Fast and Testimony meeting to bear my testimony, I always say that I know the Gospel is true. Not the Church. Someone once noticed it, and asked me why I never said that the Church was true. I came back saying, "Is the Gospel not true?" It shut her up real quick.

The General Authorities are still men. They are inspired, and I sustain them every 6 months in General Conference... but they are still men. The ninth Article of Faith states, "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." They are guiding the Church based on the revelation that we have received, but also with the cultural, and generational bias that comes with along with it.

In the spirit of the 9th Article of Faith, I genuinely believe that the Church will give full fellowship to the LGBT Latter-days Saints. I really do. Some of you, (like that anonymous comment on my post New Ward) probably think I'm an idiot for this... Sticking in an organization that "hates" me. The organization doesn't hate me... Some of the membership, yes... But honestly, I hate them too.

I do not fear mortality, because I know that Christ will welcome me into Heaven with open arms once my earthly probation is finished. He loved me unconditionally, and He completed the Atonement for my sake. He is the only person who has ever walked the Earth who was perfect. Not President Packer. Christ is the one who said: "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." (KJV Matthew 5:4, 6-12) Jesus Christ is my Saviour... Not an ideology.

I am a Mormon, and I am a lesbian. Not "but"... "and". They are inseparable parts of my identity... One cannot be without the other. I don't want to leave the Church. And I don't want to be straight. If I woke up tomorrow morning, and was "cured", I would cry, and plead with The Lord to give it back to me... Because I've invested far too much time learning to accept myself for who I am, and shaping myself into the kick ass person I am today, to start all over again. This Church has done more for me than I could ever express in words. And this restoration of this Gospel has done more for the world than any other spiritual event in history, save the Atonement of Christ.

I'm happy. And fuck anyone who thinks that I don't deserve it.

Updated Doggie Name List

In addition to "Dog Face", "Bat Ears", and "Bad Maggie" on the doggie name list, this new namesake has been added:

"Puppy Killer"

On her walk this afternoon, she encountered a puppy. And the puppy was smelling her hoo-hah, and she wasn't havin' any of that...

Bad Puppy Killer. Bad.

BTW, she now has her own twitter account, to broadcast all of her evil doings. Follow it up, y'all. @Maggies_Mayhem. And I'm @ellenkoester. Obviously.


*DICLAIMER* Maggie didn't actually "kill" the puppy... She just got really angry at the puppy. "Puppy Killer" just sounds so much cooler.......

New Ward

So I moved recently. Officially a month ago, but I had stopped really living there in August. I love my new house, and love that I'm living with Melissa... I don't have to deal with the Molly Mormon, "shove the Gospel down your throat", "you'll never achieve actual happiness if you fall in love with another woman" roommates again. So freaking glad.

I think the only thing I'm going to miss about living there, is the ward. I absolutely LOVED that ward. The people were amazing, and the Relief Society presidency was a life saver at times. The bishop... Yeah, won't miss him too much. I mean... He was a wonderful man, and he did so much for the ward members. But when it came to me... He should have approached the whole "lesbian" thing a lot different. Every time the subject was brought up in our bi-weekly meetings, it was always like this, "So lets talk about you thinking that you're gay." Thinking??? Trust me... I know. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. Every General Conference talk, or Ensign article he would present to me would only make me feel more discouraged about where I belonged in this Church. He only emphasized things about me that were inherently wrong, and that needed to be remedied. Never anything that was good, or worthy. Never mind the fact that I joined this Church knowing that I was gay (I had admitted it only to myself, and honestly... I hadn't even admitted that I was "gay"... Just that I liked other girls). I knew I was gay, and I knew how this Church treated gays... Prop 8 made that very clear. Never mind my attempt to serve a mission. Never mind that despite how church leaders have treated me personally, and despite mountains of GC talks, Ensign articles, and other Church literature that make this part of my identity a "disease", an "affliction", and something that can be overcome, because its a "sin next to death"... I AM STILL HERE! I still walk into my meetings, with my head held high, I still participate in my Sunday School and Relief Society classes, and I still met with him every 2 weeks. I'm still here.

But now that I've moved, I'm in a different ward. And I'm excited... New people are always fun. But I'm scared that I'm going to have another bishop who is insensitive to the needs that I have. Or that I'll have a Relief Society president, or Sunday School teacher, or multiple people in the ward who are very anti-gay. I'll still be myself, and I'll still come out (at the appropriate moment of course... I'm not going to glitter bomb the ward in Fast and Testimony meeting this Sunday). But I'm scared... This church has an unforgiving history of discrimination, and using the Standard Works and other Gospel Literature to support their hateful and hurtful bigotry.

The advantage I have, however, is that I am in a singles ward. The younger generations are becoming more and more accepting (even within the Church), and that makes me feel a little more at ease.

We'll see how this Sunday goes.....

Maggie Mayhem

Some of you may know her from the movie "Whip It" (brilliant movie, if I do say so myself... And Ellen Page is HOT!) However, I know Maggie Mayhem, as my dog. She is also referred to as: The Beast, Dog Face, Bat Ears, Deer Legs, and "Bad Maggie". You can obviously see how horribly her name suits her.

This is Maggie: (I'm writing this on the iPhone app... Not sure if they're going to show up or not). She is a 2 year old Border Collie-Aradell (sp?) mix. She's hyper, sheds like a maniac, and is FAR too smart for her own damn good. Technically, she's Melissa's dog, she got her after her dad passed away 2 years ago. But we're practically an old married couple now, and I've decided to adopt her as my own. I question that decision everyday.

The stories are never ending... There's the one about where she eats underwear... Or the one where she likes to drink out of the tub. Or the time where she laid down in the middle of 700 East in Salt Lake City (an extremely busy street). And then the time where she insisted sleeping on our bed... So Melissa and I put her bed on top of ours. (See picture below). She also has severe separation anxiety, and follows us around like a shadow. And the endless barking. Then there was the time that Melissa gave her a hair cut in the bathtub. Then the day we came home from work, and she had escaped from the bedroom, into the kitchen. No clue as to how that was accomplished. Countless stories of car rides (Melissa has a short cab pickup... Yeah...). She tries to chase cars while on walks... But only certain ones. She practically refuses to eat dog food, but then looks at us when we're eating with this sad puppy dog face saying, "But guys! This isn't fair! You're starving me to death!" Melissa and I read her thoughts and narrate them. She has a southern hick accent, by the way... We think it suits her nicely. She has this silent bark thing... and she is quite talkative without actually barking. And last, but not least, is that she enjoys licking things... Particularly boobs.

We even made a list! A list of things that are NOT for puppies. (note: this list is compiled of things that she has already done, and has been told NOT to do, touch, get into, etc.)

The List:

Dr. Pepper
Slingshots
Fortune Cookies
Countertops
Shoes
Burritos
Raw Meat
Lotion
Hamburger Helper
Laundry Baskets
Plastic Bags
Barking
Chocolate
Barking
Toilet Water
Underwear
Pizza
Goldfish
Backgammon
Hot Dogs
Trash Cans
Posters
Ellen's Boobs
Ellen's Legs
Ellen's Food
Ellen's Bed
Ellen's Face
(List is added to almost everyday)

I only have 3 simple rules...
1. Don't lick Ellen's face.
2. Don't eat Ellen's food.
3. Don't sleep on Ellen's bed.

Do you see a trend?

I have hair everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I can't escape it! No matter what I try on. And when I pull clothes out of the dryer, half the lint catcher is filled with Maggie hair. It's taking over the house!! I pull hair out of my mouth multiple times a day. It's driving me insane.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Wow... She's a bitch. This dog can't really be that bad."

She is.

Have you ever seen "Marley & Me"? Cute movie. Absolutely love it. Maggie is like Marley. But worse. But Melissa and I are like Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson (Melissa is Jennifer... HOT). We really do love her. Like ought now... She's laying on the bed (my side... So I can't stretch out my legs...), and snoring. She's adorable. Not hyper, not jumping on me, not licking me face... She's being good. And honestly, on the mornings that Melissa goes to work early, and I'm still in bed, she's a great cuddler. :)

There ya have it folks! You've officially met my dog. Want to hear more? Let me know... I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.............

Romney in Defiance

I'm from the small town of Defiance, Ohio. Raised Catholic, and raised in a VERY conservative community. And my parents always voted. I vaguely remember going with my mom to the polling station at Anthony Wayne Elementary School (if you don't know who that is, brush up on your history) for the 1992 election (I was almost 3), and again for the 1996 election (I was in 1st grade, and I got to get out of class to go vote with my mom). I never knew who my parents voted for, they always said it was a secret, and we never had signs in our front lawn. But I always knew that voting was important. Couple that with the fact that my dad was a huge history buff, and we lived in an old town stuffed with monuments from the French and Indian War, it's really no wonder why I love history an politics like I do.

But the town itself was (and still is) very conservative. The thing to do on Friday night was go to the high school football or basketball game. The bowling alleys were stuffed with high schoolers on the weekends, simply because there wasn't anywhere else to go. We have hicks from the dairy farms, workers from the GM plant (that employs well over 50% of the town's workforce) and the Johns Manville plant (JM), teachers, and small business owners. People loved their guns and camo. There was even a kid at my junior prom who had a camo vest complete with the camo baseball cap. It is what it is. And I didn't know any better.

Then I came to Utah, and started out in the bustling metropolis of Cedar City, enrolled as a Political Science major at Southern Utah University. SUU was more liberal than the rest of the town, certainly... But with the student body being primarily LDS (as was I, but that's a whole different story), and hailing from Utah, Idaho, and Nevada (mostly), it was still pretty conservative. As was I.

And then there was the fateful day when I finally realized that I was gay. I certainly was not out of the closet (I still had aspirations for a mission), but I had finally accepted it as reality. That's when my brain started turning. I now am unable to marry (unless it was to a man... Yuck), I am unable to be a foster parent, and although it is legal for me to adopt children, Utah law gives priority to married, heterosexual couples, rather than to "unwed cohabiting adults" (as my wife and I would be referred as). Utah, as a state, still has no discrimination protection for the LGBT community, so I might also be evicted, or fired from my job, solely because of my sexual orientation (though Salt Lake City has passed a law protecting those rights, excluding religious organizations). All that legal stuff aside, being Mormon carried its own terrifying stigmas... The Church is notorious for their treatment of the LGBT community within its membership (including me, with my attempt to serve a full-time mission). There are countless Ensign articles, and General Conference addresses, that speak on the matter (that'll be another post for another day). Needless to say, I was petrified all around. But my first step was to change my political opinion. Because if I continued to vote for candidates from a political party, whose platform supported legislation that made me into a second class citizen; and an "undesirable #1" (plug for Harry Potter *holla*), then I truly was a fool.

Long story short, I moved to Salt Lake City, transferred to the University of Utah, and went from a conservative Republican, to an independent, and finally to a Democrat. (my friend Amanda called me a Democrat for months before I finally caved and registered as one). And I got A LOT of flack for it. Too many Mormons believe that the Republican Party is God's anointed party. WRONG. And I can't tell you how many people in my classes (and even a Poli Sci Professor at the U) called me a hypocrite for being a liberal who was pro-choice, and pro-same sex marriage, while being Mormon. If only they knew.........

Today (or yesterday really... It's 3am) Mitt Romney showed up in my little hometown of Defiance, Ohio and held a campaign rally. *facepalm* My twitter and Facebook exploded with pro-Romney bilge. I wanted to scream at them... The GM bailout that President Obama provided, is the only reason Defiance is still standing. The vast majority of the workforce is employed by the GM plant, and companies that support it. Thousands of people would've been out of a job had the plant gone under. Thousands. And the people are biting the hand that feeds!! Bitching and moaning about Obama and the economy. Now... I'll be the first to say that the economy could better. It could be 1000 times better. And it's something that the President is going to have to work on big time in his next term (assuming he's elected). But without the bailout, without Obama, Defiance wouldn't have an economy to bitch about.

All that aside, it's nice to see Defiance on the national stage. Even if it involves Mitt Romney. And it's now the second election in a row that the GOP candidate has campaigned in Defiance. John McCain tapped us in 2008.

So there's my rant on politics. And how I switched teams (every pun intended) hahahahaha!

Telling my own story.

This is something I'm not really that good at. I feel like my life is really personal, and there are things that I probably will never tell another person for the rest of my life. (Well... Besides Melissa that is...)

But as a friend once told me (shout out to the Sistas!!), if I don't tell my own story, then someone else will. And unless its a biography, because I turned into the next Margaret Thatcher or something, I definitely want to be the one telling the story. There are too many people out there (shout out to Defiance, Ohio & Co.) who don't like me. At all. And I'm not saying that they don't have a good reason to not like me... Most of them do. Others have a great reason to not like me, but have decided to forgive me anyway (shout out to you guys... Y'all know who you are). But like I said before... Someone has to tell my story. And I'll be damned if its gonna be anyone but me.

I'll pick out a random tidbit per post... Mostly because I'm far from normal, and what's the fun in writing a "normal" story anyway. None of this "start from the beginning" crap, or "how did that make you feel" bullshit. I'm just going to take a piece of the puzzle randomly, and just run with it.

Now where to start... I knew this sounded too easy...

I'm really bad at this

I'm an awful blogger. I know that I am... I do really well for like, a week, and then I fall off the face of the blogger-verse. I know, and I will try better :) Especially now that I have people who actually read my blog... Weird...

So I did a pretty big thing today. I came out on Facebook. Honestly, people really shouldn't have been too shocked (unless they have buried their heads in the sand), because I post a lot of "Democratic propaganda" ;) But today was the first time I said it aloud (or typed... Whatever). High school classmates, college roommates, ex-boyfriends, and family... Now they all know. I feel a little bit bad about not telling my family personally, but my parents walked out of my life 2 years ago (taking my siblings with them) and never looked back... So for them, I really don't care. But I feel bad for my grandparents mostly. We still stay in fairly good contact, despite the 2000 miles and 2 hour time difference separating us. And if I had the option of walking down the street to tell them myself, I would have. And maybe I took the easy way out doing it this way... I don't know... Judge me if you must. But it's done and over with. Say la vie.

I had great reactions too... All until my Aunt Mary started arguing with me over the Affordable Care Act (I promise that didn't come out of nowhere... Read my last post, and you'll get it) But the fact that she was arguing over that, instead of the GAY ELEPHANT is a pretty big deal... Maybe she just ignored it, pretended I didn't say anything. But I'm counting it as a win until it isn't one anymore. Maybe for my next post, I'll post all the comments that my friends wrote. :) It truly made me feel loved.

On another note, Mitt Romney is having a rally in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio on Thursday. *BARF* All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not there to witness all of the bilge that comes out of his mouth. I think he's a great guy and all... And he's Mormon, so the Church is getting a ton of publicity, which is awesome for the missionaries. But yeah... Definitely not getting my vote. But it's cool... In the 2008 election, John McCain came to Defiance for a rally. Ohio's a big swing state, so the candidates swarm there. Utah is a concrete conservative red state... Republicans don't need any big rally's to sway votes here, and Democrats (unfortunately) don't have a shot, so they don't bother. And even though it sucks, it makes sense. Plus, Utah only carries 5 electoral points, so we get looked over anyway. Whatever... In 2 weeks, I'll be casting my "protest" vote. Haha

Ok... Rant over. I'm gonna cuddle op to my cute, snoring, girlfriend.

Holy Crap

Just posted this to Facebook... Take it for what you will...


"So I honestly thought people were pulling my leg when they said that there were people out there who believe that President Obama has declared war on religion, and by extension, the Catholic Church, and the LDS Church. Turns out, they weren't kidding.

Seriously?? Simply because the president believes that women have the right to choose, and have a right to contraception, and access to it (even through religious institutions) and believes that I should have the right to marry, just like everyone else, he is declaring war on religion.

Wrong. He is trying to ensure that everyone has access to healthcare. And i completely agree with that. I cannot afford my own health/dental insurance. I haven't been to the dentist or had even a basic physical since I graduated high school. The only way I have access to women's healthcare is through Planned Parenthood (which Mitt Romney wants to eliminate federal funding to). I take birth control pills, not because I have to worry about getting pregnant, but because it contains hormones that keep my body healthy, so that when I am ready to have kids, I'll be able to. And he believes that I should have the right to marry, and have the exact same rights and privileges as everyone else, despite the fact that I am a lesbian.

I've had plenty of people come to me and ask me how I could possibly be pro-choice and pro-same sex marriage and still be a good Mormon who comes from a strong Catholic background. It's because I do not vote upon my religious beliefs. I vote upon my moral beliefs. Do I disagree with the LDS and Catholic Church on their positions on same sex marriage (and homosexuality in general)? You're damn right. But I have a firm belief in my Heavenly Father, and in Jesus Christ, and of the healing power of the Atonement. That is why I have not left religion behind. But I will not force my beliefs onto anyone else. And I will not vote for a candidate from the Republican Party (or the Democratic Party for that matter) while their platform supports positions that continue to make me a second class citizen."

I just came out on Facebook...

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?

I only need 5 things in life...

My roommate Jessica and I were in the kitchen tonight making cookies. It was nice to have some quality roommate time... since everything has felt so contentious lately. Anyways... out of the blue, she said (and I quote), "Ellen, I only need 5 things in life. Bread, butter, "Rocky", "Friends", and sex... with a husband of course." Those exact words came out of the mouth of my Molly Mormon, Returned Missionary, holier than thou, roommate. Hell has frozen over. And it made my day.
I only need 5 things in life too.
1. Snow (so I dont slide into a deep, deep, depression)
2. Chocolate (duh)
3. "Greys Anatomy" (duh)
4.  Fresh baked bread (yum)
5. Melissa (and all the benefits she brings along ;))
And there's my two cents.
"Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours." -Mr. Boring

Its the end of the world as we know it

Its been way too long since I've updated this bad boy... so here goes nothing I suppose...
The last 6 months have been long. Really long. Mostly has been good. But some things have just been interesting all around.
So... my job sucks. On an epic scale. Apparently its ok to cut hours from 30 to 15, suddenly and without any warning. So yeah. I need to find a new job before I kill people. Or wither away from starvation.
I fell in Love. Yep. I said it. I fell in love with the most amazing, beautiful girl in the world. Her name is Melissa, and she's amazing. She's LDS, and she served a mission in 2006-2007 (wow that makes me young... I was 16, and a junior in high school). I love that she is so spiritual... we talk about her mission, or the Gospel almost daily... its one of my favorite things about her. She's living in Utah County currently, but she's moving to SLC soon (more on that later). She has a dog named Maggie Mayhem, and she lives up to her name daily, and I've yet to meet the crazy beast :) I've fallen completely, head over heels in love with her. I can't explain it... the why and how... but it's there, and nothing has ever felt this good, and this right in my entire life. And we're going to move in together... we're looking for places as we speak. And I can't wait to hold my beautiful girl in my arms every night for the rest of forever.
I sang in a stake choir/orchestra group last month. We performed Rob Gardner's "Lamb of God". And it was absolutely amazing and inspiring. I gained a stronger testimony of the Saviour, and of His Atonement. It changed my life. And it has also (possibly) changed my major back to music. Yeah... I'm 3 semesters away from graduating, and now is the time that I have my epiphany. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Sigh.
I have nothing else to report... its 4:15, and I need to at least attempt to get some sleep tonight... insomnia sucks...

I really need to get my feelings out about this...

I've been putting this post off... because I didn't want to accept that its all over, and that I'm never going to get her back. I have tried to be "ok", and get on with my life... but it's not working :(

Jamie and I broke up, and its all my fault. I broke her heart. I caused sleepless nights, and I caused so many tears. I told her that I would never hurt her... that I would never do anything to her that would make her cry. But I lied to her, so I deserve every horrible thing that happens to me. But I can't get over the guilt, and the shame, and the regret that I have. I ruined the most wonderful thing in my life... I broke the heart of the person that I love. And I deserved to have this heartbreak... and utter loneliness. I deserved her breaking up with me. I will never forgive myself for hurting her. I'll never forgive myself for losing her.

I've been so lonely... I can't sleep anymore... and when I do, its plagued with terrifying nightmares that have me waking up in a cold sweat and not knowing where I am. I'm used to the insomnia, and I'm used to the nightmares... they've been a part of my life for the last 6 years. But I'm not used to going through it all alone. I've been so lucky, and I've had Jamie to cuddle up, and she'd hold me in her arms, and let me know that I was safe, and ok. I'm used to her warm body next to me.  I'm used to her. I love her.

I miss her walking into my room early in the morning, after she gets off of her grave shift, and getting into bed with me. There's nothing like going to sleep alone, and waking up to the woman you love next to you. :) And she looks so beautiful when she sleeps. And her eyes! They are this green-gray color, and when she wears blue, they get this blue hue that just melts me. She tried to wink at me... she wasn't very good, but it was so cute, that I just smiled. She loves EVERYTHING Philadelphia... and I mean everything. Her love for Eagle's football, and Phillie's baseball, was amazing. I like the Phillie's, but I can't stand the Eagle's. But she loved them so much, that I started to dislike them less and less. Same with hip hop, and rap... she loves it, and I can't stand it. Now I listen to Gym Class Heroes all the time... because it makes me think of her. She was my girl. And she is still the woman that I love. 

I just can't get over how horrible of a person I am for this. Because not only did I lose the woman I love, but I hurt her. I broke her heart. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, and how horrible of a person I know I am... I miss her so much... my heart still flutters when I see her tweets and Facebook posts come up in my feed... And when I get an email or a text, I swear my my heart stops. I'm still in love with her. And I've been trying for weeks to fall out of love with her... but I'm not falling gracefully... I'm trying to claw my way back up. I'm trying to get her back, but I know it won't happen. I started writing her letters a little more than 2 months ago... because we weren't speaking, and I was too scared to tell her the things that I needed to tell her. I'm on letter #35... pathetic, I know. But I can't stop writing them. Its like Noah in "The Notebook"... he wrote Allie 365 letters. One for each day. I'm not that awesome, I write about every other day or so... but I still write. I told her that she can have them if she wants them, and I still want her to have them. But I'm terrified about having to see her... because I would want to give them to her in person, and not leave them on her doorstep. Not to mention that I still have some things of hers that she deserves to have back. They still give me a little comfort though... I had some terrible nightmares last night, and when I woke up, I changed into her Phillies t-shirt, and got back into bed... For some weird reason it makes me feel just a little bit better. 

I am in love with her... I am so in love with her, and I want her back in my life so much... but I want her to be happy above everything else. And I know that having me as a part of her life doesn't make her happy. And that rips me apart every time I think about it, but she deserves every bit of happiness in this life. And I deserve to be alone.

Karma rocks.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??

I believe that life is a beautiful mess

I believe in following your passion. I believe I am invincible. I believe in my dreams, achieving my goals, and in helping other in all that I do. I will make my life everything I want it to be. I will leave my mark on the world. I believe in finding solutions for every situation I come across. I believe in doing my best. I believe my life is driven by the questions of "how" and "why". I will find the answers.

I believe in owning up to your faults and mistakes. I know I'm not perfect. I believe in looking out for the welfare of others, and helping everyone find their happiness. I believe in being caring, understanding, and compassionate. I believe in Respect, Forgiveness, Patience, and Trust.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe your life is what you make it. I believe in taking time to smell the roses, but I know life's thorns don't like to be ignored. I believe that the good must come with the bad. I believe that trials make you stronger. I believe there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I believe in the power of hard work. I believe I will have a garden in my future. I believe its about the journey, not about getting there. I believe the future's not all it's cut out to be, though it's all I look forward to. I believe there is a purpose for everything I do. I will make it be so.

I believe in living with what you are given, but never just settling. I believe life is what you make of it, and to strive for what you want. I believe I will always find happiness in every little thing.

I believe life is a beautiful mess.

First USGA Meeting

I went to my first UGSA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting today down at BYU. Its a group of a bunch of BYU students who are gay/lesbian/bisexual, to have a safe place to be able to work through it, and to be able to network, and meet people like them. There is a mix of people who are devout Mormons who abide by the Law of Chastity, and people who are questioning if they want to or not, or are trying to make a hybrid of being Mormon, and being gay with a partner, to people who have left the Church entirely. I was afraid that it was going to be a bunch of super Mormons that are all gun-ho about being celibate, blah blah blah. And I met a lot of girls (a lot of cute girls lol) that still love the Church, and will continue to love it, but are choosing to be happy, and want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and spend the rest of their lives with them. And that is exactly what I am looking for in a girl. To a "T". 

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

To-Do List

I have a bucket list, and its awesome... it has alot of boring, predictable things on it, but things that I want to do nonetheless...

Here are a few new things that aren't so boring ;)

1. Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on a street corner.
2. Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
4. Make tapioca pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
5. Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C." Enjoy the show.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
7. Buy a horse, name it "Oscar Takes The Lead," enter it in horse races.
8. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

EPICNESS

100 Reasons To Be A Lesbian

I found this on one of my lesbian friend's blogs tonight, and its freaking hilarious. This is all her, but I can relate to just about everything on this list. Read, and laugh... because it really is that funny :)



100 Reasons to be a Lesbian

1. Being able to say " What should I wear?" without getting made fun of by your boyfriend.
2. Sexy Santa outfits.
3. Because girls know how to be beautiful inside and out.
4. The way they get nervous.
5. Because you can't choke on a vagina.
6. Because the giggle or laugh of a girl who is in love with you is the most beautiful sound in the world.
7. Girls laugh cuter than guys do.
8. Girls get you.
9. Girls will be cute with you without being forced to.
10. She is the sun in the day, and the stars late at night, and when you're together, it just feels so right. I could never love a man like that.
11. The sound a girl makes when you nip at their lips or ears.
12. The way a woman's skin feels when you brush your fingertips against her.
13. Cute Halloween costumes.
14. The way they sound when they sing. The way they look when they dance. Swoon.
15. Belly button piercings are cute.
16. The dresses the women wore in "The Patriot".
17. I'm a lesbian because only girls can make my heart race.
18. If you had passionate sex with a woman then you'd know why I'm a lesbian.
19. Lady Gaga. She's got me like nobody.
20. Girl's lower backs.
21. Must I repeat the fact that girls are just cute?
22. Ladyparts > Manparts
23. Compare The Spice Girls to N*SYNC. Spice Girls win.
24. Have you seen the L Word?
25. I wanna be like Ellen and Portia Degeneres.
26. You don't have to lick balls.
27. You don't have to worry about kissing them with your lipgloss on... because they don't mind.
28. Christina Hendricks' breasts.
29. Girls aren't constantly adjusting their gentitals.
30. Megan Fox.
31. Because they don't have penises.
32. Joan Jett.
33. Angelina Jolie.
34. Nuff said.
35. All she ever needs is a look on my face to know what I want and how I feel.
36. You have an excuse to like Justin Bieber... He looks like one of us.
37. I can go into a gay bar and actually come out with a phone number.
38. Disgusted by men.
39. Because I can enjoy myself in the kitchen without hearing jokes about a woman's place.
40. Girls look better dancing.
41. To ruin every mother's dream wedding plans for her daughter.
42. Girls understand your love for kittens.
43. I'm obligated to be a lesbian because I like Tegan and Sara.
44. Girls look better in the morning.
45. I can actually have a platonic relationship with a man.
46. Girls know what girls like.
47. There are too many cute girls on tumblr NOT to be a lesbian.
48. Girls can sit with their knees touching without complaining about not having "room".
49. Girl's lips are softer.
50. The only problem with having an ex-girlfriend is the custody battle between clothes.
51. There were always more Barbie dolls than there were Ken dolls. Everyone can't date Ken.
52. I'm waiting on Kristen Stewart to come out of the closet.
53. Ellen Page.
54. Olivia Wilde.
55. Women are, more often than not, a fan of the felines.
56. They all love Tegan and Sara.
57. Women rarely tell you to suck it up and stop crying. Maybe she'll even cry with you.
58. Face it, women are just cuter.
59. Mom's are great... My kids will get two.
60. Sex is intuitive. Let's just say when you have the same parts, there's much less of a learning curve.
61. Look at a naken man. Then look at a naked woman. Now don't tell me that you seriously find the man more attractive.
62. Girls are way better kissers than boys. No thanks sloppy kisses.
63. Hello, have you seen Kiera Knightley?
64. Because body parts should not move on their own.
65. I like to be the one to pay for dinner once in a while.
66. Keep-in' it cool.
67. I love plaid.
68. NOTHING about a guy turns me on.
69. Girls are pretty.
70. Girlfriends know not to ask me if its my "time of the month" when I'm being difficult.
71. NO BACK HAIR.
72. Men's skin feels the same as sand paper.
73. Kissing someone with facial hair feels like rubbing your face on sandpaper.
74. We have similar interests in TV shows.
75. Legs, legs, and more legs.
76. We never have headaches.
77. Women don't sleep with their hand down their pants.
78. I don't want to be forced into a hunting trip.
79. We can eat lollipops without one of us getting the wrong idea.
80. Men don't get that telling us to calm down will only piss us off.
81. Men don't understand it when you say, "I need some ice cream RIGHT NOW."
82. I like to be the big spoon sometimes.
83. We can borrow each other's clothes.
84. Women don't burp on purpose.
85. I'll never have to do the dishes because "I'm the woman."
86. Boobs are always better than no boobs.
87. Only gay men take care of themselves as much as lesbians do.
88. It's all about the curves.
89. Barbies have always been better than Ken dolls.
90. I don't want a guido. Then again... I don't want a guidette either.
91. If you're not in the mood, blame it on cramps. Don't worry, she'll understand.
92. I'll never have to deal with beer guts.
93. Happy Trails. 'Nuff said.
94. Men are what they have. Dicks.
95. Women are gorgeous creatures.
96. Lesbians actually know what they're doing in the bedroom.
97. I don't have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant.
98. I don't want to ever HAVE to sit throught the Super Bowl
99. Have you SEEN Tool Academy?
100. Men have hair from head to toe. Literally.

I should probably try to make writing a more regular past time...

So its been roughly a month since the last post I made (other than the one a few days ago) and it seems like there are people out there who actually read this... kudos to you... its a pretty lifeless, boring piece of work if you ask me... (then again... I did just proclaim to the world that I'm dating a woman...) Regardless... I am going to make a concerted effort to not be so boring and lifeless, and to be instead... well... something else.

As my few, fine readers know, I am studying Political Science at the University of Utah... but that I actually major in skiing. Best snow on Earth... with the exception of this season, which has been all but a dud. So, I've concentrated on my more formal course of study... hoping that it will whisk away my depressed mood about the lack of snow. How wrong I was...

I'm working on my thesis paper this semester since I'm not taking classes (I'm broke... no money for tuition, much less anything else). I decided to scrap my previous topic about terrorism being classified as a war crime, and instead, am playing around with ideas about politics and religion... how they relate to one another, and their affects on one another. Its daunting, and all new research needs to be done, but it'll be fascinating, and I'm excited to learn.

Other than that, there really isn't much to tell... my life is pretty boring. Not much going on...

Cheers!

First post in a long while

Jamie told me that I'm long overdue for a post. She's definitely right. :)

Quite a bit has happened in the last little while. Lots of good things, and plenty of bad. All in all, I think it all worked out for the best.

Today, however, I'm feeling bright and shiny... so I'm going to focus on the good. ;)

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing girl. Her name is Jamie, and she is everything I have ever wanted. She gets me, and she respects me. She is unique, and funny. She has passions, and she genuinely cares about everyone she meets. She is smart and thoughtful, and she puts other people's needs in front of her own. She is the 6th sister out of 7 sisters... all born in a row. And she has a little brother born right at the end. Her family is wonderful. They are LDS, and she still respects the Church... she just can't find where she fits in the Church, while still being gay, and knowing that she can't change it. She respects that I am still active in the Church, and that I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and where I fit in this world, and within this Church. She respects it, and we frequently talk about our feelings about it.

She is wonderful... and I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her in my life right now. She is a positive influence in my life. She brings out what is good in me, and she pushes me to be a better person, to be a better me.

She has her scars, and she has her baggage. But we all do. And I have more baggage and more scars than anyone else I have ever met. And we get through it. We get through the everyday struggles that girlfriends have. We have our share of arguments, and we have our share of hurt feelings. But in the end, we make up. We look at each other and see that being "right" wasn't what was important... its her. She is what's important. Us. Our relationship, and the love we have for each other. That is what's important.

And to anyone who actually reads this blog... and honestly, I highly doubt anyone does... but if you do (and especially if you know me), I am coming out right now... not coming out and saying that I'm gay, because I'm not. I still love men. And I love them a lot. So I'm not gay, and I might be bi... I really dont know yet... but what I do know, is that I love Jamie Merrill. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I'm dating a girl. So what? She's beautiful, and she certainly smells better than a sweaty, smelly guy. And her face doesn't scratch me when I kiss her. She dresses better than a guy, and she'll rock out to Taylor Swift with me anytime I want. And we can share clothes. 5 very good reasons to date women... just throwing that out there. ;)

In other news... the skiing sucks this winter... and that's just downright depressing....

Long time no see

What I did today:

Kissed someone cute. Win.

Tried to sleep. Didn't happen

Went skiing. Awesome.

Ate Cheetos. Yum.

Drove to Alpine. Got lost.

Hung out with Jamie. Sweet.

Lazy day... nothing to report.

Peace!