I Am Free At Last - Marriage Equality For Utah

It happened. I honestly didn't think that this would happen while I was still in my twenties, or even in my thirties... and I certainly never expected it to be within the year that DOMA was struck down.  But after years of fighting and getting ourselves out there... showing that we are normal members of society and that we have the same capacity to love and cherish a spouse and raise beautiful children, Utahns have gained the right to get married in the state that we love. Judge Robert J. Shelby, District Judge for the United States District Court for the District of Utah wrote in his 53 page decision, "The state’s current laws deny its gay and lesbian citizens their fundamental right to marry and, in so doing, demean the dignity of these same-sex couples for no rational reason. Accordingly, the court finds that these laws are unconstitutional."

Couples are lined up at city hall in Salt Lake County, Davis County, and Cache County. Seth
Anderson and his husband Michael Ferguson were the first couple to be married, and in early reports it looks like over 200 liscences have been issued. Salt Lake City Mayer Ralph Becker has announced that he will stay all night if nessessary to perform marriage ceremonies.

Seth and Michael

 

Mayer Ralph Becker

 

I am so proud of my city!! I am proud to be a citizen of this great state.

The state of Utah has already filed an appeal from the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals, and filed for an immediate stay of the ruling. As far as I'm able to see... a stay has not yet been granted, but we'll see if one comes through tomorrow morning. While it's disapointing, it was certainly expected. I hope and pray that the pathetic reasons that are being argued in support of discrimination, will be swept aside. And if they do stand, I hope they refuse to issue marriage liscences to couples who are no longer of child bearing age, and refuse to allow couples to have children, when they won't follow "responsible procreation" or be raised in "optimal child rearing enviornments".

When I heard the news, I was sitting at my desk at work, and immediately after I read the message from a friend alerting me of the news, I started crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks, and a huge smile spread across my face. I'm sure I looked like a fool. But it was one of the most monumental moments of my life.

The Church has also made a statement after the announcement, "The Church has been consistent in it's supporter of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with respect. This ruling by a district court will work its way through the judicial process. We continue to believe that voters in Utah did the right thing by providing clear direction in the state constitution that marriage should be between a man and a woman and we are hopeful that this view will be validated by a higher court"

 

 

One day I hope that the Church I love so much will one day recognize the words of our Savior, quoted from John, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." It is also my hope that the leadership reads the declaration given by Joseph Smith on August 17, 1835 in the 134th section of the Doctrine and Covenants. Verse 4 reads, "We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others..." Verse 9 reads, "We do not believe it just to mingle religious influence with civil government..." We are a Church that has faced discrimination in the past, with a extermination order issused against us. We know, more than many religious and civil groups, the bitter sting of discrimination under the law.

Today, I am recognized as normal. I will be able to call my (one day) wife, my wife! I won't have to call her my "partner". Partner has always felt cold, distant, and not real. Now I can say I'm "married" without it being a lie. I'll be married rather than being eternally engaged to my girlfriend. I am now protected by law... laws without any pretty exceptions that they have to put in there so that people cannot deny me a home, or employment solely based on my sexuality.

I am free. No one can cage me now.

I'm Speaking At Affirmation!

Yep! You heard it! I'm speaking at the Affirmation Conference on September 13-15 in Salt Lake City, Utah. I'm participating with one of the workshops on Saturday morning (Sept. 14) titled: Restoring Our Relationship with the Restored Church and Gospel. John Gustav-Wrathall will also be presenting, as well as a few others who have yet to be announced. I will also be featured in Daniel Parkinson's presentation, God's Affirmation, which highlights people's stories of receiving personal revelation, and inspiration of God's affirmation of our orientation, and our lifestyles.

If you have't registared for Affirmation yet, DO IT! Here's the link to the registration website.

I personally am really excited to attend the conference (it's my first one!), and obviously am humbled that John has asked me to participate. So come on out!! You won't regret it!

Searching The Scriptures

I said in a post a couple of days ago that I was having some trouble searching the Scriptures to help make everything easier. Part of it definitely was me trying to search for comfort while my heart and mind were filled with animosity. The other part of me genuinely had no idea where to begin to look. But this morning before I started work, I was sitting at a table with my scriptures open in front of me, and I said a silent prayer for the Lord to stay close to me, and to help me find comfort and strength from His words.

I got a bit more than I was bargaining for.

I was pleasantly surprised that I found a lot of comfort from the Old and New Testaments. I think as Mormons, we sometimes overlook the value of the Bible, because we lean so heavily on the Book of Mormon (not that thats a bad thing). But I felt like I was really able to increase my knowledge of the Old and New Testaments by finding these scriptures.

Old Testament:

•Joshua 1:6-9 – I think my favorite verse is verse 9. Be strong, be brave... The Lord is there.

•Psalm 23 – Everyone knows this one... The Lord is my shepherd. One of my favorite scriptures of all time... (I have a pretty fantastic story about this scripture that I might have to share one day)

•Psalm 25:16-22 – This one deals a lot with forgiveness, but forgiveness goes hand in hand with compassion, comfort, and love.

•Psalm 27 – Trust in the Lord. Confide in Him.

•Psalm 30:5 – "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." While I've cried for almost 2 weeks, joy will come. Eventually.

•Psalm 31 – "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness." Another one of my very favorites. 

•Psalm 46:1 –  God is our refuge and strength. 

•Psalm 147:3-5 – Heavenly Father knows each of us personally. He understands our own individual trials and pains, and He will lift us up and bind our wounds.

•Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord, He will not lead you astray.

•Ecclesiastes 3 – There is a time and place for everything. Anger and Happiness alike.

•Isaiah 26:3 – Trust in the Lord with perfect peace.

•Isaiah 49:13 – The Lord will comfort His people. He will have mercy upon His afflicted.

•Jeremiah 31:13 – The Lord will comfort me, and turn my mourning into joy.

New Testament:

•Matthew 11:28-30 – Come unto me, and I will give you rest.

•John 14:1-2 – The Lord has a place for me. He knows my needs.

•John 14:18 – The Lord will not leave me comfortless.

•John 14:27 – "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you."

•John 15:17-20 – Love one another.

•Romans 8:31 – If God be with us, who could be against us?

•Romans 12:10-21 – There's simply no better scripture to teach you to get along with your fellow man.

•2Corinthians 1:3-4 – Heavenly Father will be merciful and comforting through our trials.

•Colossians 3:12-17 – People sometimes refer to this as Paul's secret to happiness.

•2Thessalonians 2:16-17 – Heavenly Father will give us everlasting hope and comfort.

•Hebrews 11 – With faith, we can work miracles.

Book of Mormon:

•1Nephi 1:20 – The tender mercies of the Lord are over those He has chosen, through their faith.

•1Nephi 3:7 – I will do the things the Lord commands of me, and I will have no fear, for He will provide a way.

•1Nephi 9:6 – The Lord knows all things, and has the power to fulfill His words.

•1Nephi 20:10 – The Lord will build me up, and will help me be the best person I can be.

•2Nephi 2:2 – My trials will be to my good.

•2Nephi 2:25 – Adam's transgression in the Garden allowed for me to come to this earth. While I will always feel pain, I will always feel joy.

•2Nephi 26:28 – None are forbidden to take part of God's goodness. All are alike unto God.

•2Nephi 31:3 – The Lord will give me guidance personally, so that I can learn, and know His love.

•Mosiah 18:8-9 – Easily one of my most favorite scriptures. It brings a tear to my eye every time :)

•Alma 7:11-12 – Christ's Atonement, and infinite love for us.

•Alma 31:26-35 – Alma pleads with the Lord for strength and patience

•Alma 36:3 – Whoever trusts in God will be supported in their trials.

•Ether 12:4 – Hope comes from faith.

•Ether 12:27 – Grace is sufficient for all who humble themselves in their weaknesses.

•Moroni 10:32 – Love God with all your might, and protect yourself from all ungodliness, and His grace will be suffucient. 

There were some wonderful talks from General Conference and the Ensign by Russell M. Nelson, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Jeffery R. Holland.

All in all, I don't feel a whole lot better, but I'm getting closer. 

 

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??

I believe that life is a beautiful mess

I believe in following your passion. I believe I am invincible. I believe in my dreams, achieving my goals, and in helping other in all that I do. I will make my life everything I want it to be. I will leave my mark on the world. I believe in finding solutions for every situation I come across. I believe in doing my best. I believe my life is driven by the questions of "how" and "why". I will find the answers.

I believe in owning up to your faults and mistakes. I know I'm not perfect. I believe in looking out for the welfare of others, and helping everyone find their happiness. I believe in being caring, understanding, and compassionate. I believe in Respect, Forgiveness, Patience, and Trust.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe your life is what you make it. I believe in taking time to smell the roses, but I know life's thorns don't like to be ignored. I believe that the good must come with the bad. I believe that trials make you stronger. I believe there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I believe in the power of hard work. I believe I will have a garden in my future. I believe its about the journey, not about getting there. I believe the future's not all it's cut out to be, though it's all I look forward to. I believe there is a purpose for everything I do. I will make it be so.

I believe in living with what you are given, but never just settling. I believe life is what you make of it, and to strive for what you want. I believe I will always find happiness in every little thing.

I believe life is a beautiful mess.

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

Skiing isn't a sport. Its a state of mind.

I've been watching a lot of Warren Miller films lately, and have been listening to a lot of my "ski playlists" on Pandora, and iTunes. Its been getting colder, and I'm starting to break out my ski stuff, and winter clothes. I've bought my new skis, and just have to get bindings for them. I've gotten a new jacket, and pants. I'm super stoked to get out there, and break it all in, and the wait is killing me. I'm SO excited for the season!!!

A lot of people kinda look at me weird when I tell them I'm a big skier. They don't understand what it means when I say that I clock in about 40 full days on snow. I eat, sleep and dream about snow. I look at videos, and vow that someday, I'll ski where they are skiing. I talk to sponsored athletes, and I promise myself that someday, I will be good enough to be sponsored. It's a long shot for sure... but it doesn't mean I can't dream big! This year, my skiing is going to be better than ever. I'm ready to leave it all out there. 

For me, skiing isn't just a sport. Its a way of life.