Tuesday's Warriors

I was dreading Tuesday. I was terrified of Tuesday. Last Tuesday I was ostracized, outcast, and oppressed. Tuesday broke me.

But this Tuesday... Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up to my fears. Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up to my oppressors. Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up for myself.

It turned out to be so much more.

I attend Institute at the Salt Lake City Institute at the University of Utah. Last week, when I attended my "Teachings of President Thomas S. Monson" class, I was absolutely smeared and belittled for being gay by the substitute teacher. Here's the story. I was scared to go back... I was so excited for this class, and now I'm fighting with myself to go. It shouldn't be that way.

I sent out a cry for help to Mormons Building Bridges, Young Mormon Feminists, Affirmation Millennial's, and Feminist Mormon Housewives on Monday. Dozens from out of state sent their love and their prayers. Others got a hold of family members that live in Salt Lake to see if they could attend with me. All in all, three people were able to make it to my class: Andrew, Laura, and Katie.

Andrew and I arrived together, and set up shop in the front corner of the classroom. A few minutes after class started, Laura came in. We didn't know each other until that day, so she stood in the back and said, "Is Ellen here? I'm looking for Ellen." Very timidly, I rose my hand and said, "I'm Ellen." And she came right over, full of self confidence and spunk, and kicked Andrew right out of his seat! He was a great sport, and Laura was thrilled to see that he was there for me too. She introduced herself and gave me a hug, and then let class continue. A few minutes later, Katie came in. I waved her over, and she came to sit right behind me. My army had arrived. I felt safe. I had the strength to speak my truth.

The lesson was a crap fest. Very traditional, orthodox Mormon. The class focus is supposed to be the Teachings of President Monson, and yet, the only thing discussed about him was the age change for missionaries. I brought up how wonderful it was to see more Sisters entering the mission field. Brother Butler agreed with me, and suggested that it was divinely inspired to "level the playing field" between the men and the women. His logic was that educated, professional women intimidate the men, and therefore encourage them to be lazy and play video games all day.

 

*facepalm*

Laura, in all her Mormon Feminist glory, spoke up and asked, "Why is it a problem for women to be professional and have careers? Why is it a problem for them to own their home or condo? Why are these young men intimidated? Maybe we should be raising and teaching our young men differently."

Next up was the equating argument between Motherhood and the Priesthood. Laura countered and explained that Fatherhood = Motherhood; Priesthood is an entirely different thing. While Brother Butler stepped back to clarify that he meant it in more of a metaphorical way, he never backed off of the comparison.

He explained that it's the mother's responsibility to usher us into the world, and the Priesthood's responsibility to usher us into the hereafter. He talked about the Ordain Women movement, and described it as a "peculiar new idea", after which a girl spoke up and started saying that "being equal to men doesn't mean to be the same as them." Which then segued into a call to read Sherri Dew's new Book "Women and the Priesthood". Which is gross.

The argument about how Satan hates family was brought up often. How he continually attacks the institution of the family (though he never brought up LGBT families, which I consider a win), and the divine role of women. He hates women because he will never have an eternal family with a wife and children. It was certainly an explanation that I had never heard before, and it certainly raised a few eyebrows, even if they were just from the four of us.

Heavenly Mother was brought up, and the first real explanation as to why we never talk about Her was given: "It hasn't yet been revealed." It was nice to have someone say, "I don't know," rather than to divert back to the "She's too special," cop out. Katie absolutely rocked it by offering places to find information on Heavenly Mother... specifically this BYU Study. Once he realized that he had a handful of Feminists in the room, he said that he was open to difficult discussions, and topics.

To end the lesson, we went over a timeline of the big moments of President Monson's life and ministry. We closed with a prayer and a hymn, and then the rest of the class dispersed. Katie, Andrew and Laura all stayed behind with me so I could talk to Brother Butler about the concerns I had from last week. He was already aware of mormonsandgays.org, and he didn't erase it from the board after I wrote it there. He listened intently while I told him about the collapse of my mission, and the affirming experience I had in the Temple that brought me out of the deep depression I had slipped into. He listened to what Elder Peters had said and done last week, and he welcomes the fact that I'm outspoken, and that I will stand up for the things that I believe in. We'll see if he really wants what he's going to get...

All in all... the Thomas S. Monson class is going to be the most challenging class. But the Women and the Gospel: Eternal Perspectives class... the class that I was convinced was going to be a shit show... is going to be my salvation. That class is at 7:30 in room W003. Please come and experience the awesome. I'm going to start blogging about that class too, so stay tuned!

Mormon Newsroom

I was browsing around the Mormon Newsroom, mostly because I'm a gluton of punishment. But I stumbled upon this gem, and I don't know how to handle my feelings...

It opens up with this statement, "On 7 June 2006 ABC’s Nightline ran a story on members and former members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who struggle with same-gender attraction. This issue is one that evokes strong emotions and, unfortunately, often perpetuates negative stereotypes on both sides of the debate. Nightline’s story contained some comments that do not reflect the views and teachings of the Church and its leaders."

Here are the comments:

Daniel Holsinger: “There is a very strong notion that I am a sinner — fundamentally who I am is hated and reviled by God. I am alone; there is no one else like me.”

Morgan Smith: “We’re not recovering from God, but we are recovering from the put-downs, the discrimination, the people that come along and say that if you’re gay, you’re not good.”

Russ Gorringe: “There is no place for me in the gospel as a person who never married.”

*sigh*

It's not the bloody comments that are contrary to the teachings of the Church! It's the behavior of the members towards these people! For all of our talk about being a Church of love and compassion, the LGBT members of our wards and stakes have a hard time finding them in our congregations.

Why do you think that Daniel feels hated? Because there are members of the Church that do! Not all, but there are enough. We hear all about the "homosexuals"... from everyone but LGBT people. We see statements like this made by the First Presidency in 1970, “Homosexuals can be assured that in spite of all they may have heard from other sources, they can overcome and return to normal, happy living,” as if my life isn't already normal and fulfilling. We are compared to bank robbers by Elder Mark E. Peterson in 1978, “Since homosexuals have become a nationwide entity, and have come out of hiding to demand their place in the sun, many of them claim that they are what they are because they were born that way and cannot help it. How ridiculous is such a claim. It was not God who made them that way, any more than He made bank robbers the way they are.” And we are (frankly) belittled by President Spencer W. Kimball in 1978, “’God made me that way,’ some say [i.e., homosexual] … This is blasphemy. Is man not made in the image of God, and does he think God to be ‘that way’?” When I see these things, I feel hated and unwanted... by the membership, as well as the leadership.

Morgan feels put down, and every single LGBT person has been, whether it's direct or indirect. Can you blame us? Bishop Keith McMullin of the Presiding Bishopric said this in 2010, “If someone seeking your help says to you, ‘I am a homosexual,’ or, ‘I am lesbian,’ or, ‘I am gay,’ correct this miscasting… it is simply not true. To speak this way seeds a doubt and deceit about who we really are.” That makes me feel put down! You are ignoring my trust in you to tell you something this personal about me, and you shut me down and tell me that I'm wrong? When you clearly have never gone through what I'm going through?! Or how about the douzy in 2010 from President Boyd K. Packer, “Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father.” You're telling me that I am impure and unnatural... sounds like a put down to me. From the membership and local leadership, I've heard them all... from little things like being called a "dyke" to being told there is an evil spirit residing inside of me. They are hurtful, plain and simple.

The Church has made SO many steps in the right direction since the 1960's, and since 2006, when this article was published. But if you think for one second that we are "at the forefront at having love and compassion", you are horribly mistaken.

Outer Darkness

If there's anything that I've learned from speaking and participating at Affirmation two weeks ago, it's that there are high emotions surrounding being gay in the Church. The workshop that I participated in was highly weighted in why we stay in the Church as LGBT Mormons, but there were many participants who expressed their concerns, and pain with staying in the Church. I'm someone who will defend the Church when it deserves to be defended. I am someone who finds the good in the Church when there is good to be found. But when there is no good to be found, I don't stay silent, and I don't go away. It's just how I roll.

Because I don't let up on my convictions, I get beat down. Often. Which sucks. But it makes me wonder how many other LGBT Mormons, and our allies, get beat down for our beliefs and our lifestyles. How much longer are we going to be marginalized? How much longer will we hear the audible gasps and feel the unabashed stares? How many more friends and family will quietly walk out of our lives?

I've grown weary. I hear the disapproval of my peers often. I get it on social media, and through my emails. To them, I'm an apostate. I discourage the Spirit from coming anywhere near me, and by extension, them. I entice doubt, not faith. I promote deviance, not obedience. I am Satan incarnate... I am damned to Outer Darkness.

Believe it or not... these are all real examples, and they are all people who claim to "love their LGBT brothers and sisters". Some even claim to be building bridges between the communities. This doesn't build bridges. It tears them down.

My bridge is slowly crumbling... and sometimes I don't know why I stay in the Church. I honestly have no idea why I put myself through the pain. I wonder if I would be happier outside. I wonder if Christ only atoned for our sins... rather than for our sorrows. I wonder if God loves me. I wonder if He had me turn out gay so that He could damn me to Outer Darkness. I wonder if God is the vengeful God of Evangelical Christianity. Is He the loving God that we say He is? I want to believe it! I want to believe that He is compassionate, and warm!

But why are His children so cruel?

Mormon Misogyny

"Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going?" I remember when the missionaries asked me these questions as an investigator. I told them that I came from Heaven, but was going to Purgatory. They didn't think it was very funny...

As members of the Church, we believe that God was once mortal... He was like us. We believe that the ordinances and covenants in the temple will allow us to become like God in the afterlife. Once we're like God, we'll make little spirit babies, and we'll live happily ever after, as we send our kids down to mortality and listen to them bitch and moan at us for stubbing their toes and losing their keys.

That's the plan. Be like God.

What if you're gay? If you're gay you need to reevaluate everything. "Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going?" The answers we all have been taught in Church... well... they simply aren't applicable anymore. They aren't going to happen... at least not as the Church teaches us.

How did Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother make us? How do we, when we achieve Godhood, create our own spirit children? In Moses 3:5 we learn that God created all things spiritually before they were created physically. He created us, and therefore we will create our own. Will I be literally birthing out babies? Ummmm... no. I'm not going to be doing that in mortality... much less for the rest of eternity. And the word create isn't exclusive to spirit children... it extends to things like planets and trees. Will I birth a planet? Fuck. No.

There is so much about the next life that we simply don't know. We don't know how we will make spirit children, or how eternity will be. Trying to say that homosexuality is not natural and not ordained of God by saying that you have to have a man and a woman to physically make the child, is idiotic at best. Heavenly Father would have had to have an eternal stash of little blue pills, and Heavenly Mother would have had to have a really high pain tolerance... and an ironclad vagina. It simply isn't logical.

And even if this is the way it's supposed to be... if the Plan of Salvation is really full of misogynistic doctrines and ideals... how ridiculous is it that Heavenly Father gets pleasure and power while Heavenly Mother gets pain and stretch marks? I mean... it is such a small price to pay to spend an eternity having your children, at worst, have no idea that you exist, and at best, feel you are too sacred to brag about...

Are Y'all Getting Sick Of Me Yet?

I know I'm posting a lot. And I'm sure y'all are getting really annoyed with it. I can understand... I'm ranting and raving, and feeling sorry for myself. I get it. But I do better when I get all the venom out of me, so that when I do bite, it only stings for a little bit, instead of slowly poisoning you to death.

Tonight is the first night where I have slept alone... And I haven't slept alone for about 10 months now. I don't know how to sleep without a warm body next to me. I have Melissa's dog Maggie, which helps, and she's being so good curled up next to me. But it's not the same. Nothing's the same. 

I'm alone. And not just in my bed tonight, but in the world. I am alone. I don't have family. I don't have a ward in Church. I don't have anyone. Normally it doesn't bother me to be this alone, because its been this way for so long. But then I met Melissa, and everything changed for me. I was happy again. I was putting down roots. Everything came together. 

Until it fell apart.

Hopefully Maggie won't mind if I kiss the top of her head all night...

Joke Was On Me All Along...

Truth's out... Melissa had an affair. Complete with saucy text messages about how much they love each other, and plenty of other things that make me want to be sick. The drives to "clear her head" while we were breaking up, turned out to be engineered to go out and see her. The "innocent" kiss at Pride turned out to be not-so-innocent (The Pride Festival and Parade happened before Melissa and I broke up... we didn't break up for 4 more days). And all along through the break up, when I asked her directly if she was seeing and/or kissing Megan, I consistently got "no" as an answer. Even after I confronted her with the evidence. But yet again... It was a lie disguised as her "not wanting to hurt me anymore than she already has". Have they had sex? She says not yet... But they're in Heber this weekend, and I'm sure it's happened by now...

I was surprisingly calm when I found everything out in the early hours of Thursday morning... But knowing that I was cheated on really puts a wrench into me being cool, calm, and collected.

What I can't understand is how Megan has one bit of compassion or a conscience. She knew that Melissa was in love with me. She knew that she was engaged. Engaged to be MARRIED! Yet, she still pursued her, flirted with her, and seduced her. How does someone have no conscience about going after a "married" woman? There were emails where Melissa says she feels bad for hurting me, and Megan's response is, "You aren't a horrible person." I'm sorry, but she broke off our engagement because she had an affair. With you. You both should feel terrible. I think that Melissa does... But I think Megan is simply polishing her trophy, and not giving a damn who she stepped on and hurt to get to it.

I finally understand why people blame themselves when they're partner/spouse cheats and has an affair. I keep thinking about where Melissa and I would be if she didn't work at L's (where she met Megan). Or if I could've done something better... 

It's one thing for people to get cold feet in their relationship, especially when it's getting serious. It's pretty healthy to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want in your life. And that was what she told me in the beginning. 

In the waning days of our relationship, I noticed Melissa pulling away from me. I thought that she might not be attracted to me anymore. Whenever I'd touch her, or kiss her forehead, she always reacted like she didn't want me to touch her. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I even asked her specifically, and she still said no... And she would say it in the most loving and affectionate way. But in reality, she was no longer attracted to me, and instead was attracted to that woman. Joke's on me. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and was completely oblivious to what was going on under my nose.

I feel so pathetic.

Where Do I Go From Here

With the recent deterioration of my engagement, my life has kind of hit neutral. I can't move backwards, and I can't move forward. I put all my eggs in one basket, because I honestly believed that we would be together forever. And now, I'm trapped in open water.

I don't know what to do. It's WAY too early for me to get back into the dating ring, and start thinking about another relationship. I can't take a break and get out of the city for a few days because I don't have any money. It's June, and there's no snow, so I can't just jump on the tram and lose myself in the mountains. I can't really do anything. I'm treading water.

And the one and only thing that I do want to do is play Halo and destroy everything. But my Xbox 360 has a major overheating problem, and nothing I've done to fix it has worked. And I've been trying to call places around town that repairs Xbox 360's, and not ONE has answered their phones in their declared business hours. And of all of them, only one had an answering machine, but I was unable to leave a message, because their voicemail was full. Which means they don't check it. I'm annoyed. And I swear the universe is out to get me. I just wanna shoot aliens... 

The Sanctity of Marriage

I was thinking about people's reasoning's for being against marriage equality the other day. People quote the Bible at me, or tell me that its just gross (unless its a guy that I'm talking to... then he's thinking "threesome"). But the one that I've been hearing most often, is that they are committed to securing the sanctity of marriage. Here's what I have to say to that:

"If you believe in preserving the sanctity of marriage, then relinquish your right to divorce."

Lets think about it... Larry King has been divorced 8 times to 7 different women! How's that for preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Or Kim Kardashian and Whats-His-Face... married for like 70 days. Brittney Spears and Whats-His-Face... married for 72 hours. And those are just celebrities... I personally don't expect much out of them. What about the average Joe who lives 2 doors down?

Here are some statistics from here in the US.

Percentages broken down by age:

• Under 20. Men: 11.7% Women: 27.6%
• 20-24. Men: 38.8% Women: 36.6%
• 25-29. Men: 22.3% Women: 16.4%
• 30-34. Men: 11.6% Women: 8.5%
• 35-39. Men: 6.5% Women: 5.1% 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

• First Marriage: 41%
• Second Marriage: 60%
• Third Marriage: 73% 

Looks like Larry King is the poster boy of this statistic...

Now, I don't actually believe that divorce should be stripped from all lawfully wedding couples.... most people don't just get divorced for the fun of it... There is almost always a good reason for it. Melissa's parents are a prime example. There is no way to regulate who can/can't get a divorce, or why (kind of like abortion... but that's not the point). People deserve to end a marriage if they have to.

I believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that marriage is eternal and everlasting. Divorce is a complicated, and messy situation, and I believe that it should be avoided at all costs. Marriage is based on love. Based on sacrifice. There are millions of same-gender couples out there whose relationships last longer than most marriages out there. They love each other. They fight, and argue, and bicker just like everyone else. And they have the easy way out! They can just pack up their things and leave... they don't need a divorce to break up. But they stay in it. They fight for it. And they don't give up.

I got a new job about a month ago. And I was in the HR department filling out health insurance forms, and getting everything squared away. I asked about same-sex couples... not covered, because all of the insurance companies are run by the state government, who does not recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions. Nor is Melissa entitled to any spousal benefits, that would routinely be given to a spouse. While I was talking this over with the HR representative, she mentioned that her long-time boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, so they are in a domestic partnership... so that they can enjoy all of the legal benefits of being married, without actually being married. 

I stared at her in disbelief... that would be enough for me. Fine... don't let us get married. Don't give us the word "marriage". I'll take "Civil Union" or "Domestic Partnership"... granted I would like the same word as everyone else... but whatever. I'll take what I can get. I just want to be able to take Melissa to the ER, and have her be covered by my insurance. I just want to have the right to sit next to her, and hold her hand... and have the legal right to be there. I want to have the right to be able make medical decisions if I have to. I want her to be able to receive my life insurance benefits. I want her to be able to inherit everything that I leave to her, without any of the insanely high estate taxes. I just want to be treated like everyone else.

How much is that to ask?

New Ward

So I moved recently. Officially a month ago, but I had stopped really living there in August. I love my new house, and love that I'm living with Melissa... I don't have to deal with the Molly Mormon, "shove the Gospel down your throat", "you'll never achieve actual happiness if you fall in love with another woman" roommates again. So freaking glad.

I think the only thing I'm going to miss about living there, is the ward. I absolutely LOVED that ward. The people were amazing, and the Relief Society presidency was a life saver at times. The bishop... Yeah, won't miss him too much. I mean... He was a wonderful man, and he did so much for the ward members. But when it came to me... He should have approached the whole "lesbian" thing a lot different. Every time the subject was brought up in our bi-weekly meetings, it was always like this, "So lets talk about you thinking that you're gay." Thinking??? Trust me... I know. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. Every General Conference talk, or Ensign article he would present to me would only make me feel more discouraged about where I belonged in this Church. He only emphasized things about me that were inherently wrong, and that needed to be remedied. Never anything that was good, or worthy. Never mind the fact that I joined this Church knowing that I was gay (I had admitted it only to myself, and honestly... I hadn't even admitted that I was "gay"... Just that I liked other girls). I knew I was gay, and I knew how this Church treated gays... Prop 8 made that very clear. Never mind my attempt to serve a mission. Never mind that despite how church leaders have treated me personally, and despite mountains of GC talks, Ensign articles, and other Church literature that make this part of my identity a "disease", an "affliction", and something that can be overcome, because its a "sin next to death"... I AM STILL HERE! I still walk into my meetings, with my head held high, I still participate in my Sunday School and Relief Society classes, and I still met with him every 2 weeks. I'm still here.

But now that I've moved, I'm in a different ward. And I'm excited... New people are always fun. But I'm scared that I'm going to have another bishop who is insensitive to the needs that I have. Or that I'll have a Relief Society president, or Sunday School teacher, or multiple people in the ward who are very anti-gay. I'll still be myself, and I'll still come out (at the appropriate moment of course... I'm not going to glitter bomb the ward in Fast and Testimony meeting this Sunday). But I'm scared... This church has an unforgiving history of discrimination, and using the Standard Works and other Gospel Literature to support their hateful and hurtful bigotry.

The advantage I have, however, is that I am in a singles ward. The younger generations are becoming more and more accepting (even within the Church), and that makes me feel a little more at ease.

We'll see how this Sunday goes.....

Maggie Mayhem

Some of you may know her from the movie "Whip It" (brilliant movie, if I do say so myself... And Ellen Page is HOT!) However, I know Maggie Mayhem, as my dog. She is also referred to as: The Beast, Dog Face, Bat Ears, Deer Legs, and "Bad Maggie". You can obviously see how horribly her name suits her.

This is Maggie: (I'm writing this on the iPhone app... Not sure if they're going to show up or not). She is a 2 year old Border Collie-Aradell (sp?) mix. She's hyper, sheds like a maniac, and is FAR too smart for her own damn good. Technically, she's Melissa's dog, she got her after her dad passed away 2 years ago. But we're practically an old married couple now, and I've decided to adopt her as my own. I question that decision everyday.

The stories are never ending... There's the one about where she eats underwear... Or the one where she likes to drink out of the tub. Or the time where she laid down in the middle of 700 East in Salt Lake City (an extremely busy street). And then the time where she insisted sleeping on our bed... So Melissa and I put her bed on top of ours. (See picture below). She also has severe separation anxiety, and follows us around like a shadow. And the endless barking. Then there was the time that Melissa gave her a hair cut in the bathtub. Then the day we came home from work, and she had escaped from the bedroom, into the kitchen. No clue as to how that was accomplished. Countless stories of car rides (Melissa has a short cab pickup... Yeah...). She tries to chase cars while on walks... But only certain ones. She practically refuses to eat dog food, but then looks at us when we're eating with this sad puppy dog face saying, "But guys! This isn't fair! You're starving me to death!" Melissa and I read her thoughts and narrate them. She has a southern hick accent, by the way... We think it suits her nicely. She has this silent bark thing... and she is quite talkative without actually barking. And last, but not least, is that she enjoys licking things... Particularly boobs.

We even made a list! A list of things that are NOT for puppies. (note: this list is compiled of things that she has already done, and has been told NOT to do, touch, get into, etc.)

The List:

Dr. Pepper
Slingshots
Fortune Cookies
Countertops
Shoes
Burritos
Raw Meat
Lotion
Hamburger Helper
Laundry Baskets
Plastic Bags
Barking
Chocolate
Barking
Toilet Water
Underwear
Pizza
Goldfish
Backgammon
Hot Dogs
Trash Cans
Posters
Ellen's Boobs
Ellen's Legs
Ellen's Food
Ellen's Bed
Ellen's Face
(List is added to almost everyday)

I only have 3 simple rules...
1. Don't lick Ellen's face.
2. Don't eat Ellen's food.
3. Don't sleep on Ellen's bed.

Do you see a trend?

I have hair everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I can't escape it! No matter what I try on. And when I pull clothes out of the dryer, half the lint catcher is filled with Maggie hair. It's taking over the house!! I pull hair out of my mouth multiple times a day. It's driving me insane.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Wow... She's a bitch. This dog can't really be that bad."

She is.

Have you ever seen "Marley & Me"? Cute movie. Absolutely love it. Maggie is like Marley. But worse. But Melissa and I are like Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson (Melissa is Jennifer... HOT). We really do love her. Like ought now... She's laying on the bed (my side... So I can't stretch out my legs...), and snoring. She's adorable. Not hyper, not jumping on me, not licking me face... She's being good. And honestly, on the mornings that Melissa goes to work early, and I'm still in bed, she's a great cuddler. :)

There ya have it folks! You've officially met my dog. Want to hear more? Let me know... I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.............