I really need to get my feelings out about this...

I've been putting this post off... because I didn't want to accept that its all over, and that I'm never going to get her back. I have tried to be "ok", and get on with my life... but it's not working :(

Jamie and I broke up, and its all my fault. I broke her heart. I caused sleepless nights, and I caused so many tears. I told her that I would never hurt her... that I would never do anything to her that would make her cry. But I lied to her, so I deserve every horrible thing that happens to me. But I can't get over the guilt, and the shame, and the regret that I have. I ruined the most wonderful thing in my life... I broke the heart of the person that I love. And I deserved to have this heartbreak... and utter loneliness. I deserved her breaking up with me. I will never forgive myself for hurting her. I'll never forgive myself for losing her.

I've been so lonely... I can't sleep anymore... and when I do, its plagued with terrifying nightmares that have me waking up in a cold sweat and not knowing where I am. I'm used to the insomnia, and I'm used to the nightmares... they've been a part of my life for the last 6 years. But I'm not used to going through it all alone. I've been so lucky, and I've had Jamie to cuddle up, and she'd hold me in her arms, and let me know that I was safe, and ok. I'm used to her warm body next to me.  I'm used to her. I love her.

I miss her walking into my room early in the morning, after she gets off of her grave shift, and getting into bed with me. There's nothing like going to sleep alone, and waking up to the woman you love next to you. :) And she looks so beautiful when she sleeps. And her eyes! They are this green-gray color, and when she wears blue, they get this blue hue that just melts me. She tried to wink at me... she wasn't very good, but it was so cute, that I just smiled. She loves EVERYTHING Philadelphia... and I mean everything. Her love for Eagle's football, and Phillie's baseball, was amazing. I like the Phillie's, but I can't stand the Eagle's. But she loved them so much, that I started to dislike them less and less. Same with hip hop, and rap... she loves it, and I can't stand it. Now I listen to Gym Class Heroes all the time... because it makes me think of her. She was my girl. And she is still the woman that I love. 

I just can't get over how horrible of a person I am for this. Because not only did I lose the woman I love, but I hurt her. I broke her heart. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, and how horrible of a person I know I am... I miss her so much... my heart still flutters when I see her tweets and Facebook posts come up in my feed... And when I get an email or a text, I swear my my heart stops. I'm still in love with her. And I've been trying for weeks to fall out of love with her... but I'm not falling gracefully... I'm trying to claw my way back up. I'm trying to get her back, but I know it won't happen. I started writing her letters a little more than 2 months ago... because we weren't speaking, and I was too scared to tell her the things that I needed to tell her. I'm on letter #35... pathetic, I know. But I can't stop writing them. Its like Noah in "The Notebook"... he wrote Allie 365 letters. One for each day. I'm not that awesome, I write about every other day or so... but I still write. I told her that she can have them if she wants them, and I still want her to have them. But I'm terrified about having to see her... because I would want to give them to her in person, and not leave them on her doorstep. Not to mention that I still have some things of hers that she deserves to have back. They still give me a little comfort though... I had some terrible nightmares last night, and when I woke up, I changed into her Phillies t-shirt, and got back into bed... For some weird reason it makes me feel just a little bit better. 

I am in love with her... I am so in love with her, and I want her back in my life so much... but I want her to be happy above everything else. And I know that having me as a part of her life doesn't make her happy. And that rips me apart every time I think about it, but she deserves every bit of happiness in this life. And I deserve to be alone.

Karma rocks.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??