It's not as simple as you think... I can't just walk into my ward and expect the bishop to be ok with (1) my gayness, (2) my cohabitation with another woman, who by the way, is my ex, and (3) won't immediately excommunicate me upon hearing that I was sexually active with *gasp* a woman! (You really need to read that last part in the voice of the Emperor's Aid dude from Mulan... It makes it that much more epic)
I need to find a bishop that is progressive enough to know and understand that being gay is not a choice, and that I'm no less of a person because of it. I need my bishop to understand that I will not repent for having sex with a woman (have you ever heard of a bishop who expects a straight man to repent for having sex with a woman? Of course not! They will expect them to repent for the sexual act only.) Some bishops will see that declaration as me being unrepentant (and possibly an apostate), and will convene a disciplinary council to address the issue (and my membership). My ideal bishop will be able to separate the act from the orientation.
All in all, I don't regret loving Melissa. I don't regret anything that happened in our relationship. At all. And it's hard to repent for something that I don't regret... I honestly don't even think it's a real thing. And I don't want to repent for it, simply because I don't think it's wrong for me to have loved her. The only thing that I could agree that was "wrong" about the nature of our relationship, was that we were unmarried and sexually active. And we couldn't remedy that by getting married, because Utah doesn't perform same sex marriages, or recognizes one performed in another state, and even if it did, the LDS Church does not. So marriage wasn't a realistic option. (Not to mention that I would be going through a divorce right now rather than just a break up)
Why am I talking about repentance? I miss the temple. It's quite simple really... I miss being in the presence of God. And for the last couple of months I've had this unshakable feeling that I need to go through the temple and receive my endowment. Yeah, talk about fucking complicated.
Do you see how I feel like I'm stuck in open water with nothing but a raft? It's not just the Melissa/Megan shit that going down. It's not just the fact that I have no real family that actually wants to see me or invite me home for Christmas (which with my new job, I might actually be able to afford now). Everything is connected. It's like my life is a big ball of copper wire... every wire represents an aspect of my life. But the wires are all tangled up in a big knot. And whenever anything happens, big or small, an electrical shock is shot through it. And because its a big tangled ball of copper wire, EVERYTHING gets shocked.
What do I do? What path do I choose? Where do I go?
I love this with all of my heart. I totally hear you. I wish I could put it in words like this. Hang in there. It's a horrible feeling to not know which way to go. I've chosen love, and I'm continuing down that path, but I really really do miss the spiritual path sometimes. We should chat. I'm remembering some ideas that I had a while back but never carried out. Yeah, we should probably chat :)
ReplyDeleteI would be ok with that. :) Assuming, of course, that you aren't a crazy axe murderer. Because if that's the case, I'm running as fast as I can in the other direction :)
DeleteSometimes I wonder if the good feeling I have at Church is the Lord telling me to come back and stop being gay, or if it is confirmation that what I'm doing is actually not wrong.
ReplyDeleteThe strongest feeling I have ever experienced concerning my sexuality was while I was in the temple after doing baptisms. I knew without a doubt that Heavenly Father loves me. That Christ loves me, and Atoned for my sins. I knew at that moment that He wanted me to be the awesome person that I am, and not be ashamed.
DeleteSorry, hit enter too fast. I knew that Heavenly Father would open His arms to me once my earthly probation was finished. I knew that it was ok for me to be gay. And that He loves me for it.
DeleteHang in there.