That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Today has just been one of those days...

I'm gonna vent for just a few seconds, if that's alright.... here we go.... 

I got my scooter fixed this week. They had f***ed it up 3 times before, but they "swore" they got it right this time. Well... the damn thing wasn't fixed. Again. Naturally I realize this 15 minutes before I have to be at work. So, I have to take TRAX to work, and am therefore, an hour late. Wonderful. I really can't afford to screw up with work, because I'm still the new girl, and I don't have any slack room. While at work, I'm just kinda down... my knee kills, I get chewed out by a customer for "stalking" him... pretty sure the guy was nuts. But whatever crazy dude... I didn't want to help you find a bike lock for your POS bike anyway. You won't need it anyway, no one is going to want to steal that piece of shiz! Get off work, and couldn't get to my friend Mikey's wedding reception, because I have no car. So I just take TRAX home. Both buses are late, and I end up accidentally taking the wrong line, so I walk the rest of the way in the cold. Got off of work at 5. Got home at 8. Wonderful. Watched "Warren Miller's PlayGround" to get myself into a better mood. Didn't help... it just made my soul ache for winter. Zac calls. Wants to hang out. I don't want to. All I want is to be by myself. But I let him come over, because I've been a horrible girlfriend, and he hasn't seen me in like, a week. Tess and Andy come home, and announce that Keni is coming over for a movie. That was good. I haven't seen her in like FOREVER. And I order pizza. Yum. Zac gets here. We watched "Anger Management". Worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was awful. I cannot understand why people feel the need to put a disgusting sexual innuendo in every conversation. Me and Keni both thought it was the worst thing I had ever seen. So at least I wasn't alone in this. But through the whole movie, Zac was super cuddly, and PDA. We have been dating for like 2 weeks. Its the first time Andy, Tess, and Keni had ever met the guy, not to mention that I'm not big on the PDA thing anyways... even when I've dated a guy for months. So I'm pretty sure that he got annoyed with that one. The movie got over, and then everyone went home, and I went to bed, ultimately to get up and write this post. Yay.

Now to a happier note... I am starting to read the Wheel of Time series again. I finished Book 2: The Great Hunt, and now I am onto Book 3: The Dragon Reborn. I love these books. They are super legit! People keep talking about the books being made into movies. Its a pretty legit idea. I like the idea a lot. But the books are so detailed, and there are so many plot lines (there are 15 books to tie together all the plot lines for crying out loud! The author, Robert Jordan, had special editors for every main character, so he didn't mix stuff up!!) that they would have to cut out so much "fluff" to make the movie short enough to watch, that they would lose too much of it. Not to mention, that I have mental images of what all the characters should look like in my head, and it would be so hard for me to have to throw away the images in my head, for the faces, and voices that Hollywood gives me. Because they have a bad track record with me when it comes to ruining all my favorite book characters. :(

Back to Zac... I'm just not feeling it with him. We have a lot in common, but in all reality, we are nothing alike. We don't do the same things. We don't like the same movies. I don't even know how to describe most of it... but we are just not for each other.

And I feel bad for the kid because I'm not 100% into this. I'm still hung up on the last person that I dated. I miss him terribly, and I don't think that I will ever fully get over him... I believe that I will love someone similar to how much I loved him, but I don't think that I can ever love someone else, as I loved him. Every day, I long for his arms around me. Every day, I wish that I could bring him back. But I can't. He's gone, and I'll never get him back. He didn't want me. And he ran. It took a lot out of me, and it continues to. I know I need to let it go... it's in the past. But how can you let go of you're first love? How can you let go of your one, true love when you honestly, believe that he will be yours, and you will be his for the rest of your lives? You don't let go of them without a fight. You never let go.

What am I doing with my life? Why is it so hard for me to see what is good in my life, and what is uncontrollable?