The Life That's Waiting For Us

When I was 17 years old, my parents sent me to a residential treatment center to begin and finish my senior year of high school. The experience was not the worst experience of my life, but it tore me down bit by bit, inch by inch, until there was little left of the light, and strength of my spirit. It tore my self confidence to shreds. The experience taught me that no matter the pain or heartache I had experienced in the past, I was solely at fault for everything that had happened.

Observing the interactions with my family was telling as well. Very few letters, awkward and shorter than allotted phone calls, and being the only one whose parents did not permit them to go home for Christmas. I learned that I had
earned their tolerance rather than their unconditional love.

This is only one side of the story, and not a complete one at that, but it conveys accurately the feelings of my heart... Feelings from 7 years ago, and feelings from today.

During my time there, I developed the belief that God alone could save me. That God alone could heal my afflictions and mistakes. I believed that with enough faith, with enough devotion, I would be made whole.

This led me to the Church. I was yearning for truth in a way I had never sought before. I was entranced in the idea that righteousness brings blessings. And the only blessing that I wanted was to be made whole. To be made into the image that God intended. To see myself in the way God saw me. And it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized that after two years of strict adherence to the letter of the law... nothing happened. My family relations were still non existent. I was still broken. I was still gay. And it only led to more self loathing, more self hatred, and more failure.

But it lead me to really open my eyes. That's when my search for truth took off. And the truth I found, while unorthodox and unexpected, was exactly what I needed.

I learned the truth. I learned that while I had done wrong, and that I was to blame for the vast majority of it, I was not to blame for all of it. I learned that my parents had done wrong, and they were to blame for some of it, but not all of it. My classmates, teachers, neighbors, friends, bullies... they were all to blame for some, but all. They were to blame for their words, and their actions towards me. I was to blame for my words and actions, and for all of the hurt that I caused. But I learned not to carry blame that was not my own.

From that day forward, I learned that healing was possible. I learned how to have compassion and forgiveness for my fellow men and women. I no longer looked for their faults, but instead I looked for their good. For their praiseworthy actions. I learned to recognize that all of us have done wrong. You. Me. Your spouse. Your dog. Some of those wrongs were done intentionally, but most weren't. Some of these wrongs were severely painful, and others were not.

Because Christ's Atonement is infinite, I've been able to forgive myself. I've forgiven myself for my lack of self control, and inability to think before I speak. I have forgiven myself for the wrong I have done. Because after all we can do, Christ's Atonement picks up the slack. When I drop to the floor in exhaustion and anguish, He picks me back up. He carries me until I have the strength to stand on my own. And on those marathons where I am too fat and out of shape to finish, He carries me to the finish. He is there. He knows me to my very core. He knows the intentions of our hearts. He is there.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

A Most Pleasant Surprise

After posting my "coming out" story, I've had a lot of good reception. I have yet to have someone call me a degenerate, or sinner, or whatever. Which is a relief. For the most part, I've had people thank me for telling my story, because we change hearts and minds by showing people that we are just like everyone else.

But today, I had a pleasant surprise.

Katie Seibert was my "arch-nemesis" growing up in school. She was one of the popular kids. And while I had plenty of friends, I certainly was not a stereotypical "popular kid". If you would've asked me 6 years ago if Katie was my friend, or if I was Katie's friend, I would have laughed openly in your face.

Today, I opened my computer at work, and logged onto Facebook for a little bit, and I heard the little *ding* that tells me that someone had sent me a message. It was Kait. She had read my blog, and was apologizing for how she treated me in school. My heart warmed at what I was reading. I had never heard a more sincere statement in my life. She felt bad for making me feel different.

I forgave her. Not because I had been mad at her, or that she had hurt me, or even that what she did was wrong, but deserved to hear it from me. She reached out to me, and was humble enough to say that she had done something wrong, and she deserves that from me. And I wanted to give it to her. It also turned out that we have so much more in common than we ever would've thought 6 years ago. We talked about our lives since high school, and I think that we might be friends now... like real life friends.

I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me. Having her come to me and want to reconcile differences, gives me hope that one day, I will have that reconciliation with my parents and my siblings. She's not the only one who has come to me, and wanted to be friends again... Kait, Sophie and Anthony have been the most recent, and I've still retained friends from high school who saw me for who I was, and not how I acted. It gives me hope that my family will come around. But until then, its one person at a time. And I'm ok with that.

Journey to Gay (Part 1)

I have been trying to figure out what to write about next... I'm on a roll, so I might as well keep the ball rolling right?

So I thought about it, and I have never really told people (other than Melissa and a few others) how I came to know that I was gay. Hell... I barely know how I finally realized I was gay, because I had buried it so deep inside the depths of my mind. While I was writing this, I found that it had gotten quite long. So I split it into two parts. 

So here goes nothing I suppose...

I'm the oldest of 5 kids. I don't think that made any difference in who I turned out to be (sexuality wise that is). But even as a little girl there were little things that were different about me, all of which prove to me that I was gay from the moment I left the womb. The one that sticks out is how I would play House with my friends Marissa and Taylor. Every single time, without fail, I wanted to be the boy, or be the soldier. I also remember helping my Uncle Jim wash the car... I was probably only 5... But I remember asking him why I couldn't take my shirt off like him. I even tried to pee standing up when I was 6 or 7 years old. These three examples make it sound like I might have been having some gender identity issues, and maybe I was; I don't know. By themselves, they could be isolated incidents and not amount to anything. But for me, in hindsight, they were things that early on defined who I was as a little girl. And I wasn't normal.

Getting into adolescence, I was awkward... Everyone was, but I was especially. I started my period young... I was only in the 6th grade. I didn't care about wearing make up, and I loved to play football and baseball with the boys. I had many boys as friends, and girls, but it was the girls that I wanted to pay attention to me... And I went to great lengths to get that attention, and the attempts weren't always healthy. I remember having one boyfriend, Jonathon. We were friends and I remember him and his mom taking me to one of the first Harry Potter movies, and I drew a lightning bolt on his forehead. :)

In high school it was much the same... I played the trumpet (a very "boy" instrument), and played soccer and softball. (Stereotypical lesbian sports). I kissed a lot of boys in this period. A LOT of boys. And there were some that were bad. Just awful. But most of them were "eh". Not bad, not good. So I couldn't really make any judgement on whether or not I liked to kiss boys, because I simply didn't care. I didn't care about catching boy's attentions. I never had a problem with dressing immodestly. In fact it was everything my mother could do to get me to wear something other than jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, and sweats. I still didn't wear makeup, and I still didn't like the "girly" things like shopping, jewelry, and shoes.

I was angry though. I acted out. I was "defiant" (get it? I was defiant in Defiance, Ohio... ok, bad joke...) I did everything I could to piss my parents off. I stopped caring about school, I was causing trouble in the family and with my friends. There was something going on. But I didn't know what it was behind it, and neither did my parents.

I didn't grow up LDS, I grew up a devout Catholic. I never heard my parents speak badly about homosexuality. In fact, I never heard them talk about it at all. I never had a religion class (CCD, or Youth Group) or teacher that ever talked badly about homosexuality, or gay people. Nor do I remember ever hearing a sermon in church about it. (In hindsight, I would've been surprised to hear one. St. Mary's was a pretty liberal parish, and our priest, Father Tim was the most loving, Christ-like man I have ever known.) So I didn't have religion telling me it was bad, and my parents weren't threatening to kick any of us kids out of the house if they turned out to be gay. And I was friends with two kids at school who were gay, Mathis and Sophie. Their sexual orientation didn't matter to me. So why didn't I realize that I was gay? And why did I innately feel and know that it was wrong and something to keep to yourself?

Continue to Part 2

Romney in Defiance

I'm from the small town of Defiance, Ohio. Raised Catholic, and raised in a VERY conservative community. And my parents always voted. I vaguely remember going with my mom to the polling station at Anthony Wayne Elementary School (if you don't know who that is, brush up on your history) for the 1992 election (I was almost 3), and again for the 1996 election (I was in 1st grade, and I got to get out of class to go vote with my mom). I never knew who my parents voted for, they always said it was a secret, and we never had signs in our front lawn. But I always knew that voting was important. Couple that with the fact that my dad was a huge history buff, and we lived in an old town stuffed with monuments from the French and Indian War, it's really no wonder why I love history an politics like I do.

But the town itself was (and still is) very conservative. The thing to do on Friday night was go to the high school football or basketball game. The bowling alleys were stuffed with high schoolers on the weekends, simply because there wasn't anywhere else to go. We have hicks from the dairy farms, workers from the GM plant (that employs well over 50% of the town's workforce) and the Johns Manville plant (JM), teachers, and small business owners. People loved their guns and camo. There was even a kid at my junior prom who had a camo vest complete with the camo baseball cap. It is what it is. And I didn't know any better.

Then I came to Utah, and started out in the bustling metropolis of Cedar City, enrolled as a Political Science major at Southern Utah University. SUU was more liberal than the rest of the town, certainly... But with the student body being primarily LDS (as was I, but that's a whole different story), and hailing from Utah, Idaho, and Nevada (mostly), it was still pretty conservative. As was I.

And then there was the fateful day when I finally realized that I was gay. I certainly was not out of the closet (I still had aspirations for a mission), but I had finally accepted it as reality. That's when my brain started turning. I now am unable to marry (unless it was to a man... Yuck), I am unable to be a foster parent, and although it is legal for me to adopt children, Utah law gives priority to married, heterosexual couples, rather than to "unwed cohabiting adults" (as my wife and I would be referred as). Utah, as a state, still has no discrimination protection for the LGBT community, so I might also be evicted, or fired from my job, solely because of my sexual orientation (though Salt Lake City has passed a law protecting those rights, excluding religious organizations). All that legal stuff aside, being Mormon carried its own terrifying stigmas... The Church is notorious for their treatment of the LGBT community within its membership (including me, with my attempt to serve a full-time mission). There are countless Ensign articles, and General Conference addresses, that speak on the matter (that'll be another post for another day). Needless to say, I was petrified all around. But my first step was to change my political opinion. Because if I continued to vote for candidates from a political party, whose platform supported legislation that made me into a second class citizen; and an "undesirable #1" (plug for Harry Potter *holla*), then I truly was a fool.

Long story short, I moved to Salt Lake City, transferred to the University of Utah, and went from a conservative Republican, to an independent, and finally to a Democrat. (my friend Amanda called me a Democrat for months before I finally caved and registered as one). And I got A LOT of flack for it. Too many Mormons believe that the Republican Party is God's anointed party. WRONG. And I can't tell you how many people in my classes (and even a Poli Sci Professor at the U) called me a hypocrite for being a liberal who was pro-choice, and pro-same sex marriage, while being Mormon. If only they knew.........

Today (or yesterday really... It's 3am) Mitt Romney showed up in my little hometown of Defiance, Ohio and held a campaign rally. *facepalm* My twitter and Facebook exploded with pro-Romney bilge. I wanted to scream at them... The GM bailout that President Obama provided, is the only reason Defiance is still standing. The vast majority of the workforce is employed by the GM plant, and companies that support it. Thousands of people would've been out of a job had the plant gone under. Thousands. And the people are biting the hand that feeds!! Bitching and moaning about Obama and the economy. Now... I'll be the first to say that the economy could better. It could be 1000 times better. And it's something that the President is going to have to work on big time in his next term (assuming he's elected). But without the bailout, without Obama, Defiance wouldn't have an economy to bitch about.

All that aside, it's nice to see Defiance on the national stage. Even if it involves Mitt Romney. And it's now the second election in a row that the GOP candidate has campaigned in Defiance. John McCain tapped us in 2008.

So there's my rant on politics. And how I switched teams (every pun intended) hahahahaha!

Telling my own story.

This is something I'm not really that good at. I feel like my life is really personal, and there are things that I probably will never tell another person for the rest of my life. (Well... Besides Melissa that is...)

But as a friend once told me (shout out to the Sistas!!), if I don't tell my own story, then someone else will. And unless its a biography, because I turned into the next Margaret Thatcher or something, I definitely want to be the one telling the story. There are too many people out there (shout out to Defiance, Ohio & Co.) who don't like me. At all. And I'm not saying that they don't have a good reason to not like me... Most of them do. Others have a great reason to not like me, but have decided to forgive me anyway (shout out to you guys... Y'all know who you are). But like I said before... Someone has to tell my story. And I'll be damned if its gonna be anyone but me.

I'll pick out a random tidbit per post... Mostly because I'm far from normal, and what's the fun in writing a "normal" story anyway. None of this "start from the beginning" crap, or "how did that make you feel" bullshit. I'm just going to take a piece of the puzzle randomly, and just run with it.

Now where to start... I knew this sounded too easy...

I'm really bad at this

I'm an awful blogger. I know that I am... I do really well for like, a week, and then I fall off the face of the blogger-verse. I know, and I will try better :) Especially now that I have people who actually read my blog... Weird...

So I did a pretty big thing today. I came out on Facebook. Honestly, people really shouldn't have been too shocked (unless they have buried their heads in the sand), because I post a lot of "Democratic propaganda" ;) But today was the first time I said it aloud (or typed... Whatever). High school classmates, college roommates, ex-boyfriends, and family... Now they all know. I feel a little bit bad about not telling my family personally, but my parents walked out of my life 2 years ago (taking my siblings with them) and never looked back... So for them, I really don't care. But I feel bad for my grandparents mostly. We still stay in fairly good contact, despite the 2000 miles and 2 hour time difference separating us. And if I had the option of walking down the street to tell them myself, I would have. And maybe I took the easy way out doing it this way... I don't know... Judge me if you must. But it's done and over with. Say la vie.

I had great reactions too... All until my Aunt Mary started arguing with me over the Affordable Care Act (I promise that didn't come out of nowhere... Read my last post, and you'll get it) But the fact that she was arguing over that, instead of the GAY ELEPHANT is a pretty big deal... Maybe she just ignored it, pretended I didn't say anything. But I'm counting it as a win until it isn't one anymore. Maybe for my next post, I'll post all the comments that my friends wrote. :) It truly made me feel loved.

On another note, Mitt Romney is having a rally in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio on Thursday. *BARF* All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not there to witness all of the bilge that comes out of his mouth. I think he's a great guy and all... And he's Mormon, so the Church is getting a ton of publicity, which is awesome for the missionaries. But yeah... Definitely not getting my vote. But it's cool... In the 2008 election, John McCain came to Defiance for a rally. Ohio's a big swing state, so the candidates swarm there. Utah is a concrete conservative red state... Republicans don't need any big rally's to sway votes here, and Democrats (unfortunately) don't have a shot, so they don't bother. And even though it sucks, it makes sense. Plus, Utah only carries 5 electoral points, so we get looked over anyway. Whatever... In 2 weeks, I'll be casting my "protest" vote. Haha

Ok... Rant over. I'm gonna cuddle op to my cute, snoring, girlfriend.