Unworthy

I want to go to the temple.

There. I said it. Out of my system.

The problem is that I didn't know how to go. And trust me... it's a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than convincing the bishop and stake president to sign a piece of paper, and then driving to one of the four temples in the Salt Lake Valley.

I'm a Mormon. I'm a Mormon who's a Democrat, an intellectual, and a feminist, and a lesbian. That right there just put four road blocks down my path to "spiritual enlightenment", and I have no idea how to reconcile it. I'm the danger in President Boyd K. Packer's imfamous quote, "The dangers I speak of come from the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement (both of which are relatively new), and the ever-present challenge from the so-called scholars or intellectuals."

The biggest road block is easily the fact that I'm gay. I believe that the Church has got it wrong on homosexuality. Like the Church's new policy on race, I believe that the denial of full fellowship to LGBT members is coming from a place of privileged bigotry. I have had personal revelation from God that tells me very plainly that I was born gay, and that it was absolutely something God intended. I was gay in the premortal existence, I'm gay in morality, and I will be gay hereafter. Easy peasy. But I can't be dishonest. Because I have had sex with a woman *gasp*, I need to go through the repentance process. Am I ok repenting for sex before marriage? Yes. Am I ok repenting for having sex with a woman, and promise to never do it again? Absolutely not!! I simply can't do that with good conscience. However, in the Bishop's eyes... this is a "cut and dry" example of not being repentant of my sins. And BAM. No recommend. No temple. And possibly a form of formal/informal Church discipline. No bueno.

But all of these concerns are things that are real to me. I have severe concerns, and disbelief about the Church's positions on homosexuality, and the ordination of women to the Priesthood. I have serious concerns about the Church's teachings to our Young Women about modesty, and how they are responsible for the "pure thoughts" of the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood holders. I have serious concerns about the Church's lack of transparency about it's history. I have concerns about the Church's "worship" of Joseph Smith, and his portrayal of the most perfect man who's ever lived, when in truth, while inspired and called of God, he was a man with many flaws. I have doubts! And simply "doubting my doubts" isn't cutting it. They are not going to go away.

And yet the temple pulls at me. Everything aches when I drive past... knowing that everyone else around me can go in, and I can't. I've tried to ignore it. I've put it out of my mind, telling myself that it's simply something I won't get to have in this life. But I shouldn't have to resign myself to the fact that I can't go! Do I feel worthy? Yes! I respect my fellow brothers and sisters. I strive to do good in my day to day life. I help when I can. I pay my tithing into the Book of Mormon fund, and the general missionary fund. I sustain the leadership of the Church. I read my Sciptures and say my prayers. I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in my life, nor have I ever stopped feeling it. I know that I am worthy.

But it's up to 2 men to decide if I am. And I don't think that they'll rule in my favor.

Sheep To Slaughter

I'm unorthodox. I am a headstrong, independent woman. I don't let people limit me. And I don't let people push me around. Ever.

I'm unorthodox. I don't fit molds. I don't fit stereotypes. I don't conform for the sake of conforming, nor do I stay silent for the sake of ease and comfort for those around me. If things seem just a little too "agreeable", I'm the first person to step in and offer another opinion. I'm not afraid to shake things up and ruffle feathers. I'm the kind of person who throws rocks into calm waters... Just for the sake of balance. 

I'm unorthodox. I take a lot of flak for the opinions I hold, and the things I write about. I'm called an apostate on a regular basis. I'm told I'm wrong, and sometimes am refused the opportunity to defend myself and my opinions.

All of these things above? Not typical for Mormons. I like to equate Mormons with Hobbits from the Shire. We are gentle people, but we crave adventure (And we have second breakfast at the meetinghouse for "Linger Longer").

But on a basic level I disagree. Being unorthodox shouldn't be unorthodox. None of those things I used to describe myself contradict my religion. How do I know? I study the Scriptures. I follow the Spirit. And I ask the Spirit for confirmation  in just about everything.

Not to mention that you can successfully argue that Christ was the most unorthodox and influential anarchist of His time.

I'm here to offer people another opinion. I'm here to say, "Follow the prophet, but take your blinders off!" Ask the Holy Ghost for confirmation when you listen to General Conference, or read Ensign articles. Ask of God. Do not blindly follow.

The Lord is our shepherd, and we are His sheep. In John 10:14-15, we hear Christ teach this, "I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. As the Father knoweth me, even so I know the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep." He is central to this Church. But, as a Church, do we follow Christ? Do we strive to be Christ-like in everything that we do? Do we treat others like we would like to be treated? Do we ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?"

No.

In this April's Priesthood session of General Conference, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave an amazing talk. Let me pull a couple of quotes from his address: 

 

"Sometimes we confuse differences in personality with sin. We can even make the mistake of thinking that because someone is different from us, it must mean they are not pleasing to God. This line of thinking leads some to believe that the Church wants to create every member from a single mold—that each one should look, feel, think, and behave like every other. This would contradict the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son from his father. Even identical twins are not identical in their personalities and spiritual identities.

It also contradicts the intent and purpose of the Church of Jesus Christ, which acknowledges and protects the moral agency—with all it's far-reaching consequences—of each and every one of God's children. As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are united in our testimony of the restored gospel and our commitment to keep God's commandments. But we are diverse in our cultural, social, and political preferences.

 

The Church thrives when we take advantage of this diversity and encourages each other to develop and use our talents to lift and strengthen our fellow disciples." 

We try to limit God. We try to constrain His infinite glory and compassion by singling out those who are different. As we saw this month with the New York Times article about the former Area Seventy Hans Mattsson, we demonize those who doubt, especially when they publicly voice their doubts. We demonize feminists, because they challenge the patriarchal society that has dominated for the last 2,000 years. We demonize homosexuals, because we have been taught that their sexual identity is "impure and unnatural".

 

Most people have read "The Wizard of Oz". Do you remember when Dorothy and her crew arrive in the Emerald City? They were issued glasses with green lenses, to hide the true colors of the city. 

You don't have to accept the green glasses that you are issued. You don't have to accept the "approved" version of the Church's history and doctrine. It is ok to ask questions. It's ok to doubt. Because sure... The Church looks so much more appealing through the lenses. But it's devastating when you find out that its not what it seemed to be.

Take off your blinders. Take off the glasses. Ask the Holy Ghost for guidance. Ask God to confirm what you are taught.

Because if we don't, we're just sheep to slaughter.

Compassion

In the immediate aftermath of Tuesday's election, social media exploded. I saw many posts with cheers of victory. I also saw posts full of complaining... predicting the Second Coming of Christ, and declaring President Obama to be the Anti-Christ. I also saw posts of people threatening to move to Canada... and I urge them to grow a pair, and do it. Good freaking riddance.

I was on the winning end of the ballot. President Obama was reelected, Jim Matheson (D) edged out Mia Love (R) for reelection in the House of Representatives, and Ben McAdams (D) won election for Salt Lake County Mayor. Although Orrin Hatch (R) beat Scott Howell (D) to keep his seat in the Senate, and Governor Gary Herbert (R) won reelection against Peter Cooke (D) for Utah Governor, I still finished at 3-2, and I'm counting that as a win. I gave my fair share of hoorays. I also played a lot of defense... A LOT of defense. A friend of mine went as far as to call me an apostate for my liberal political leanings, and suggested that, "because I support legislation that kills an innocent baby, that I deserve to be killed simply because I am a lesbian... that that would be a step in the right direction for this country to return to its former glory. (Or back to the 1950s).

Needless to say, I told him to go fuck himself, and I went on with my day.

But this post isn't about all of the asshole Republicans I know. This is about compassion.

Everyone who's LDS, knows that Church Doctrine states that marriage is between one man and one woman. Most Mormons will confirm that in their own testimonies. Melissa and I went to dinner with her mom Monday night. At the end of the meal, she said that she had prayed long and hard about homosexuality and the Church's Doctrine. She studied in the Standard Works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price), and studied articles and talks from the Ensign and General Conference... specifically from the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. She said that she has an overwhelmingly strong testimony of marriage being between one man, and one woman. That anything else is against the Lord's sacred Plan of Happiness. And that it makes her very sad for Melissa and I, because we can never achieve the Celestial Glory that is promised to us.

But she acknowledges our relationship. She acknowledges that we are dating. She expressed that she enjoys my company, and she enjoys it when I come to family functions. I am currently there as "the roommate"... because she, and Melissa's step-dad are not yet ready to "come out" as the parents of a gay child (and her girlfriend). Its not ideal... I really am not a fan... but... I know that she needs space. She needs time to process.

I worried that once Melissa and I get married, she still won't be ready to acknowledge us for what we are. I'm worried that when we have children, she won't acknowledge our family as legitimate. I worry that I'll be "the roommate" for the rest of my life. But, she likes me, and she loves her daughter unconditionally. And for now, that's what counts.

Mormons are not hateful bigots (OK... some are...). Mormons do not blindly follow the council of the First Presidency, Quorum of the Twelve, and the rest of the General Authorities (OK... fine... those people exist too...). Sure, the Church has a dirty political history with Proposition * in California in 2008. But the Church was curiously absent in the Maryland, Washington, Minnisota, and Maine ballot measures. There are many Mormons out there who support "the liberal agenda" (as Melissa's Mom calls it). There is even an emeritus General Authority, Elder Marlin K. Jensen, who spoke very lovingly about the gay Mormon community.

There are groups such as, Mormons Building Bridges, and Mormons for Marriage Equality that all support the legalization, and recognition of same-sex marriage. Mormons Building Bridges has marched in countless Pride parades this summer, I hope will continue to do so year after year. USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) is an unofficial group at BYU, that consists mostly of LGBT students, but has a significant group of "straight allies"... people who believe in us... believe that we are just the same as everyone else, and that we deserve the exact same rights as everyone else.

Thats why I voted in this election. I voted for equal rights. President Barack Obama, Jim Matheson, and Ben McAdams are my best shots at achieving equality. Defeating candidates like Richard Mourdock, and Todd Akin gave me my best shot at achieving equality. Defeating Mitt Romney gave me my best shot at equality. Reelecting President Obama, who signed the Lilly Ledbetter "Equal Pay for Equal Work" Act, repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", will give me my best chance at equality.

I can only hope that this country will begin to realize that my sexual orientation does not cause natural disasters. That it does not cause global warming. And that I will not tear down the sanctity of marriage, simply by getting married. I will not be hurting anyone.


"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - The Declaration of Independence

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: `We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.`" - Dr. Martin Luther King "I Have A Dream" speech

Romney in Defiance

I'm from the small town of Defiance, Ohio. Raised Catholic, and raised in a VERY conservative community. And my parents always voted. I vaguely remember going with my mom to the polling station at Anthony Wayne Elementary School (if you don't know who that is, brush up on your history) for the 1992 election (I was almost 3), and again for the 1996 election (I was in 1st grade, and I got to get out of class to go vote with my mom). I never knew who my parents voted for, they always said it was a secret, and we never had signs in our front lawn. But I always knew that voting was important. Couple that with the fact that my dad was a huge history buff, and we lived in an old town stuffed with monuments from the French and Indian War, it's really no wonder why I love history an politics like I do.

But the town itself was (and still is) very conservative. The thing to do on Friday night was go to the high school football or basketball game. The bowling alleys were stuffed with high schoolers on the weekends, simply because there wasn't anywhere else to go. We have hicks from the dairy farms, workers from the GM plant (that employs well over 50% of the town's workforce) and the Johns Manville plant (JM), teachers, and small business owners. People loved their guns and camo. There was even a kid at my junior prom who had a camo vest complete with the camo baseball cap. It is what it is. And I didn't know any better.

Then I came to Utah, and started out in the bustling metropolis of Cedar City, enrolled as a Political Science major at Southern Utah University. SUU was more liberal than the rest of the town, certainly... But with the student body being primarily LDS (as was I, but that's a whole different story), and hailing from Utah, Idaho, and Nevada (mostly), it was still pretty conservative. As was I.

And then there was the fateful day when I finally realized that I was gay. I certainly was not out of the closet (I still had aspirations for a mission), but I had finally accepted it as reality. That's when my brain started turning. I now am unable to marry (unless it was to a man... Yuck), I am unable to be a foster parent, and although it is legal for me to adopt children, Utah law gives priority to married, heterosexual couples, rather than to "unwed cohabiting adults" (as my wife and I would be referred as). Utah, as a state, still has no discrimination protection for the LGBT community, so I might also be evicted, or fired from my job, solely because of my sexual orientation (though Salt Lake City has passed a law protecting those rights, excluding religious organizations). All that legal stuff aside, being Mormon carried its own terrifying stigmas... The Church is notorious for their treatment of the LGBT community within its membership (including me, with my attempt to serve a full-time mission). There are countless Ensign articles, and General Conference addresses, that speak on the matter (that'll be another post for another day). Needless to say, I was petrified all around. But my first step was to change my political opinion. Because if I continued to vote for candidates from a political party, whose platform supported legislation that made me into a second class citizen; and an "undesirable #1" (plug for Harry Potter *holla*), then I truly was a fool.

Long story short, I moved to Salt Lake City, transferred to the University of Utah, and went from a conservative Republican, to an independent, and finally to a Democrat. (my friend Amanda called me a Democrat for months before I finally caved and registered as one). And I got A LOT of flack for it. Too many Mormons believe that the Republican Party is God's anointed party. WRONG. And I can't tell you how many people in my classes (and even a Poli Sci Professor at the U) called me a hypocrite for being a liberal who was pro-choice, and pro-same sex marriage, while being Mormon. If only they knew.........

Today (or yesterday really... It's 3am) Mitt Romney showed up in my little hometown of Defiance, Ohio and held a campaign rally. *facepalm* My twitter and Facebook exploded with pro-Romney bilge. I wanted to scream at them... The GM bailout that President Obama provided, is the only reason Defiance is still standing. The vast majority of the workforce is employed by the GM plant, and companies that support it. Thousands of people would've been out of a job had the plant gone under. Thousands. And the people are biting the hand that feeds!! Bitching and moaning about Obama and the economy. Now... I'll be the first to say that the economy could better. It could be 1000 times better. And it's something that the President is going to have to work on big time in his next term (assuming he's elected). But without the bailout, without Obama, Defiance wouldn't have an economy to bitch about.

All that aside, it's nice to see Defiance on the national stage. Even if it involves Mitt Romney. And it's now the second election in a row that the GOP candidate has campaigned in Defiance. John McCain tapped us in 2008.

So there's my rant on politics. And how I switched teams (every pun intended) hahahahaha!

I'm really bad at this

I'm an awful blogger. I know that I am... I do really well for like, a week, and then I fall off the face of the blogger-verse. I know, and I will try better :) Especially now that I have people who actually read my blog... Weird...

So I did a pretty big thing today. I came out on Facebook. Honestly, people really shouldn't have been too shocked (unless they have buried their heads in the sand), because I post a lot of "Democratic propaganda" ;) But today was the first time I said it aloud (or typed... Whatever). High school classmates, college roommates, ex-boyfriends, and family... Now they all know. I feel a little bit bad about not telling my family personally, but my parents walked out of my life 2 years ago (taking my siblings with them) and never looked back... So for them, I really don't care. But I feel bad for my grandparents mostly. We still stay in fairly good contact, despite the 2000 miles and 2 hour time difference separating us. And if I had the option of walking down the street to tell them myself, I would have. And maybe I took the easy way out doing it this way... I don't know... Judge me if you must. But it's done and over with. Say la vie.

I had great reactions too... All until my Aunt Mary started arguing with me over the Affordable Care Act (I promise that didn't come out of nowhere... Read my last post, and you'll get it) But the fact that she was arguing over that, instead of the GAY ELEPHANT is a pretty big deal... Maybe she just ignored it, pretended I didn't say anything. But I'm counting it as a win until it isn't one anymore. Maybe for my next post, I'll post all the comments that my friends wrote. :) It truly made me feel loved.

On another note, Mitt Romney is having a rally in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio on Thursday. *BARF* All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not there to witness all of the bilge that comes out of his mouth. I think he's a great guy and all... And he's Mormon, so the Church is getting a ton of publicity, which is awesome for the missionaries. But yeah... Definitely not getting my vote. But it's cool... In the 2008 election, John McCain came to Defiance for a rally. Ohio's a big swing state, so the candidates swarm there. Utah is a concrete conservative red state... Republicans don't need any big rally's to sway votes here, and Democrats (unfortunately) don't have a shot, so they don't bother. And even though it sucks, it makes sense. Plus, Utah only carries 5 electoral points, so we get looked over anyway. Whatever... In 2 weeks, I'll be casting my "protest" vote. Haha

Ok... Rant over. I'm gonna cuddle op to my cute, snoring, girlfriend.