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I had the privilege to go to Nauvoo, Illinois from May 1-May 5 for a leadership retreat with Affirmation: LGBT Mormons, Families, and Friends. I was asked to write a piece on the experience I had with Nauvoo. (It was published here) I came to Nauvoo with an interesting perspective... I left with an entirely new one.

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"What am I doing here," I muttered to myself as I stepped off the plane in St. Louis. "This is too close, My past is too vivid here, it's too vulnerable. I don't belong here... this is the one place that I cannot go."

As I collected my bags, and met up the other Affirmation members I was carpooling with, I was filled with a conflicted sense of pain. I didn't feel like the confident 24 year old that I've grown to be; I had been replaced with my 18 year old self... the wanderer., traveling aimlessly into an unknown abyss.

We all piled into a Suburban, and started the drive north along the Mississippi River. I had a lot of time to think, and ponder on what the weekend would bring, and the emotions it would create. Nauvoo is of utmost importance to the Church, and it's members, but as a convert, it had no significant place for me. To me, the City of Joseph was a place filled with religious history, a history filled with holes, and tainted with doubt. I never felt an affinity with Nauvoo... not until I arrived in the city itself.

As we all ate dinner, and set up things at the Nauvoo House on Thursday night, I could feel the Spirit lingering, and the pain that had occurred there. I could feel it hovering... pooling around the buildings, the trees, and the roads. I could feel the aching pain in the Smith family cemetery, and inside the Nauvoo House, the house that Emma had last called home.

Nauvoo's birth was veiled with trauma – the Saints were forced to leave behind their beloved temple in Kirtland, and the Prophet Joseph was imprisoned at Liberty Jail, leaving Emma and the Saints to fend for themselves while being expelled from Missouri. The Saints continued to experience pain with the doctrine of plural marriage, and the eventual martyrdom of Hyrum and Joseph. Nauvoo, while indeed the beautiful place that had inspired it's name, was not a place of joy... it was a place of injury and inexplicable pain and suffering.

Friday morning and afternoon, I had the opportunity to explore the historical sites of Nauvoo. I walked down Main Street and stopped at the Times and Seasons, the home of Apostle (and 3rd President of the Church) John Taylor, and Scovil Bakery on my way to the LDS Visitors Center, where I took a wagon ride along the historical districts of the city. I was struck by the abandoned feeling of the flatlands of Old Nauvoo. Most of the buildings had been torn down within the first 40 years after the Saints crossed the plains. All that was left were empty fields and the handful of buildings that had been preserved and renovated.

As I made my way back to the river to Emma's Nauvoo House, people had started to arrive. Dinner as being made in the kitchen, and volunteers were beginning to set up the parlor with tables and chairs. These were my people – my family – and my heart began to fill with joy. These were the people who know me, and understood my journey as a gay Mormon.

We sat down to dinner, and the conversation flowed. I was catching up with old friends, and planting seeds with new friends. Everything was wonderful. After dinner was finished, we pushed the tables to the side, and started the ice breaker activities. We went around the room and shared 3 adjectives about our anticipation of the weekend. Many described feelings of joy, and excitement, as well as faith and devotion. Mine however revealed my cloud of apprehension – my adjectives were hope, fear, and trepidation.

The next activity had us move around the room in a game called "social mapping". We were first told to move to where we lived. For me, that as Salt Lake City... easy enough. The next however threw that cloud of uncertainty over me. Move to where you call home. I don't have a home. I was born and raised in Defiance, Ohio, but that is far from anything I would consider home. In Salt Lake, I have a house that I live in, with a roommate and a dog, but it isn't home. I was homeless, so I moved to a corner that could only be called limbo.

That night I was plagued with restless sleep. I tossed and turned, wrestling with the parallels drawn between myself and this place. Nauvoo was too close to home. It represented everything that I had run away from – everything that I had left behind, and never looked back to remember. It represented a place that required a recommend of worthiness I cannot obtain.

Saturday morning, I awoke and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I gathered my things and drove over to the Community of Christ (formerly the RLDS Church) Visitors Center where we held a scripture study session led by John Gustav-Wrathall, Judy Finch, Todd Richardson, and Tom Christofferson. As we discussed passages from the Doctrine and Covenants, an interesting point was made about how the LDS Church, and its members, handle pain... we smile through it. I realized that I've done this my entire life. Every step I have ever taken, I made sure to take it in a way that showed my friends, my family, and the members of my ward that everything was fine, even as my world was crumbling before my eyes. I tried to look at it from a point of view that turned it into good, but did it without taking the time to mourn, to sob, to anguish, and to panic. I tried to turn it into a blessing before I had given myself the opportunity to heal. It was during this session, that I learned to confront my own demons, and mourn my losses. I learned that everything is a blessing, but it can't be a blessing until I am ready to fight back against the abuse that I had left unchallenged.

Our second session was conducted on the banks of the Mississippi River, at the end of the Trail of Hope where the Saints had left Nauvoo to begin their trek west. This is where the Saints looked back on their homes, their businesses, their schools, and their beloved temple, and chose to abandon them, so as to leave and search for a better life. I reflected and meditated on the loss of the Saints felt as they left their homes. I was reminded of the Atonement of the Savior, and how the Saints had to have leaned on Him for their strength and good spirits in that desperate time of need. Aside from the temple, this is where I felt the Spirit most strongly. It kept pushing me toward the bank, saying, "Go. The pain of your personal exodus in life pales in comparison to the pain here. Go. Find your own joy."

After a morning of exploring that opened my eyes to understanding I had never before uncovered, we took a break for lunch and free time. The first couple of hours I spent with the women of the Conference. We had our lunch overlooking the river and getting to know one another on a deeper level than we had the previous night. After lunch, I went to find my scriptures, and my journal, and I was overcome with emotion. The closer I came to understanding the events that transpired here, the more I was brought back to my own past, and the experiences that made me who I am today. I fought the tears that came from a place buried deep inside of me. No matter where I turned for peace, the peace was overwhelmed by pain.

After dinner, we all gathered into cars and we drove up to the temple for our group picture. The sun was just beginning to set, and the view from the hill overlooking the land and the river was remarkable. It was here and here alone that I felt peace. I watched the boys skip down the hill, and looked over at the young couple taking their wedding photos. I felt a very distinct feeling that told me everything would be ok, and that all things would ultimately turnout for my good. With all of the conflicting emotions I had felt this weekend, that confirmation and blessings of peace from my Heavenly Mother and Father was exactly what I needed for my journey to inner peace.

The last event of the night was the meeting we held on the second floor of Joseph Smith's Red Brick Store. Berta Marquez shared her story of being a Guatemalan refugee in the oppressive conditions of her country's dictatorship. She was able to create a new life for herself, and she pulled herself out of a place of despair, into a place of hope. I grew up being taught, and eventually begun to believe that I was to shoulder my burdens, and accept the side effects and limitations that came with them. This was yet another confirmation to challenge the things taught to me, and to forge my own path.

Carol Lynn Pearson was the last to speak that night. Her presentation struck me, and transformed my experience. She spoke about Emma Hale Smith, Joseph's beloved wife. She spoke of the devotion and unconditional love she had for her husband, but also spoke of the suffering and anguish she endured through the revelation of her husband's plural marriages, and then the crippling trauma of his assassination. Carol Lynn performed a monologue that she had written about Emma in her play, Mother Wove the Morning. It was so touching, and so moving that I had tears flowing down my face the entire monologue. She summed up, in 10 minutes, the thoughts and feelings that I had harbored, and clutched so closely to my heart for all of these years.

Sunday morning, we had a testimony meeting in the Seventies Hall owned by the LDS Church. The Nauvoo Mission President was present, and he spoke to us briefly before the stand was opened to us to share our feelings and our testimonies. Every single one of us spoke straight from the heart, and spoke with a vulnerable authenticity that we can't always express in our wards and branches back home.

As I walked up to the stand to bear my testimony, I was sustained with a shot of confidence that I had been lacking for the last few days. I went up, and shared my favorite passage from the Book of Mormon. The first 8 verses of the Book of Enos begin with Enos wrestling before God, and his soul hungering for truth. He knelt down before his Maker and "cried unto Him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul." It goes on to read, "all the day long did I cry unto him, yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens."

This is what I had done for so long... prayed, cried, and anguished for the Lord to fix something that was unfixable. I had pleaded with the Lord to help me with the trials of my childhood and adolescence, so that I could be made whole once more. My Heavenly Mother and Father had helped me accept myself as a gay woman, but now I needed Their help in calming the waters of my past, and allowing me to grow.

Like Enos, I prayed for the Lord to bless me with forgiven sins, and a calm heart. Like Enos, I don't know how it was to be accomplished, but I knew that it would be done. The Lord tells Enos, "Because of your faith in Christ, who thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years lass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore go to, thy faith hath made thee whole."

The rest of the day was filled with hugs and goodbyes as people set off to drive back home and the the airport. By the end, there were only a handful of us left. We drove to Carthage, to see the site of the martyrdom, and once again the Spirit there was one of anguish. The room where the Prophet Joseph and his brother Hyrum were killed held a chill... it was an eerie sense of finality and certitude. It's a feeling that I will never forget.

When I got back from Carthage, and after all the chores were finished, I went outside, and looked out over the river for the final time. I walked over the the Smith family cemetery and placed my hand on Emma's marker. I laughed with her, and I cried with her. I shared in her joys and in her triumphs, and mourned with her over her losses, and her pain. I shared with her my love for her, and my admiration of her courage, and driven nature. I poured my heart out to her about my life – sharing the joy and pride of my success, and sharing the pain I've harbored for so long. I told her of my family, and explained how I yearn to be reunited with them someday. Emma and I developed a sisterhood that night. I created that bond that I so desperately needed to create with this place. And I was finally at peace.

As I boarded the place back to Salt Lake City, I allowed Nauvoo to stay with me. I didn't leave and never look back like I had so often done before. I allowed myself to see that Nauvoo was home. I am a Saint. I have been left behind, I have been left abandoned. I have been the one driven out; I have been the one with an extermination order written against me. I had once been the weary traveler; I had once been the aimless wanderer. Nauvoo welcomed me with open arms; The City of Joseph is home.







"Lord, I Would Follow Thee"

"Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee."

This is the second verse of Hymn 220 Lord, I Would Follow Thee from the LDS Hymn Book. We sang this hymn at the opening of my Teachings of President Thomas S. Monson Institute class last night, and after all the hell that has gone on in this class, Brother Butler has really redeemed himself.

The entire lesson was about how we are to be our brother's keeper; not picking out their flaws, and shortcomings, but loving them without judgement or scorn. We talked about President Monson's time serving as the Bishop of the 6th & 7th Ward, and his overwhelming generosity he expressed to his ward members. He gave love and service to his ward without a second thought.

Brother Butler then wrote on the whiteboard these 7 words: Vision, Patience, Balance, Effort, Understanding, Courtesy, and Love. He asked us to pick one of those words and search the Scriptures for references that meant something to us. I immediately turned to the Topical Guide to find something for Understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 popped out at me first, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." For the word Love, I immediately thought of Doctrine and Covenants 18:10, "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

People tend to believe that because someone's lifestyle or opinions don't match our own, we are right in our excuse to not understand them. And because we are excused from understanding them, we excuse ourselves from our duty to love them. We are wrong in doing so. Every soul is of worth in the sight of God! Lean not unto your own understanding about them, and go seek them out in compassion.

The final verse in the Hymn, "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" begins like this, "Savior, may I love my brother as I know thou lovest me," We are to lift the fallen, not to figure out if they deserve to be lifted. We are to heal the hurting, not to judge whether or not they are worthy of the healing. We are to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and to do so without hesitation nor pause. For inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of my brethren, ye have done it unto me. - Matthew 25:40

Tuesday's Warriors

I was dreading Tuesday. I was terrified of Tuesday. Last Tuesday I was ostracized, outcast, and oppressed. Tuesday broke me.

But this Tuesday... Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up to my fears. Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up to my oppressors. Tuesday was to be the day that I stood up for myself.

It turned out to be so much more.

I attend Institute at the Salt Lake City Institute at the University of Utah. Last week, when I attended my "Teachings of President Thomas S. Monson" class, I was absolutely smeared and belittled for being gay by the substitute teacher. Here's the story. I was scared to go back... I was so excited for this class, and now I'm fighting with myself to go. It shouldn't be that way.

I sent out a cry for help to Mormons Building Bridges, Young Mormon Feminists, Affirmation Millennial's, and Feminist Mormon Housewives on Monday. Dozens from out of state sent their love and their prayers. Others got a hold of family members that live in Salt Lake to see if they could attend with me. All in all, three people were able to make it to my class: Andrew, Laura, and Katie.

Andrew and I arrived together, and set up shop in the front corner of the classroom. A few minutes after class started, Laura came in. We didn't know each other until that day, so she stood in the back and said, "Is Ellen here? I'm looking for Ellen." Very timidly, I rose my hand and said, "I'm Ellen." And she came right over, full of self confidence and spunk, and kicked Andrew right out of his seat! He was a great sport, and Laura was thrilled to see that he was there for me too. She introduced herself and gave me a hug, and then let class continue. A few minutes later, Katie came in. I waved her over, and she came to sit right behind me. My army had arrived. I felt safe. I had the strength to speak my truth.

The lesson was a crap fest. Very traditional, orthodox Mormon. The class focus is supposed to be the Teachings of President Monson, and yet, the only thing discussed about him was the age change for missionaries. I brought up how wonderful it was to see more Sisters entering the mission field. Brother Butler agreed with me, and suggested that it was divinely inspired to "level the playing field" between the men and the women. His logic was that educated, professional women intimidate the men, and therefore encourage them to be lazy and play video games all day.

 

*facepalm*

Laura, in all her Mormon Feminist glory, spoke up and asked, "Why is it a problem for women to be professional and have careers? Why is it a problem for them to own their home or condo? Why are these young men intimidated? Maybe we should be raising and teaching our young men differently."

Next up was the equating argument between Motherhood and the Priesthood. Laura countered and explained that Fatherhood = Motherhood; Priesthood is an entirely different thing. While Brother Butler stepped back to clarify that he meant it in more of a metaphorical way, he never backed off of the comparison.

He explained that it's the mother's responsibility to usher us into the world, and the Priesthood's responsibility to usher us into the hereafter. He talked about the Ordain Women movement, and described it as a "peculiar new idea", after which a girl spoke up and started saying that "being equal to men doesn't mean to be the same as them." Which then segued into a call to read Sherri Dew's new Book "Women and the Priesthood". Which is gross.

The argument about how Satan hates family was brought up often. How he continually attacks the institution of the family (though he never brought up LGBT families, which I consider a win), and the divine role of women. He hates women because he will never have an eternal family with a wife and children. It was certainly an explanation that I had never heard before, and it certainly raised a few eyebrows, even if they were just from the four of us.

Heavenly Mother was brought up, and the first real explanation as to why we never talk about Her was given: "It hasn't yet been revealed." It was nice to have someone say, "I don't know," rather than to divert back to the "She's too special," cop out. Katie absolutely rocked it by offering places to find information on Heavenly Mother... specifically this BYU Study. Once he realized that he had a handful of Feminists in the room, he said that he was open to difficult discussions, and topics.

To end the lesson, we went over a timeline of the big moments of President Monson's life and ministry. We closed with a prayer and a hymn, and then the rest of the class dispersed. Katie, Andrew and Laura all stayed behind with me so I could talk to Brother Butler about the concerns I had from last week. He was already aware of mormonsandgays.org, and he didn't erase it from the board after I wrote it there. He listened intently while I told him about the collapse of my mission, and the affirming experience I had in the Temple that brought me out of the deep depression I had slipped into. He listened to what Elder Peters had said and done last week, and he welcomes the fact that I'm outspoken, and that I will stand up for the things that I believe in. We'll see if he really wants what he's going to get...

All in all... the Thomas S. Monson class is going to be the most challenging class. But the Women and the Gospel: Eternal Perspectives class... the class that I was convinced was going to be a shit show... is going to be my salvation. That class is at 7:30 in room W003. Please come and experience the awesome. I'm going to start blogging about that class too, so stay tuned!

I Am Free At Last - Marriage Equality For Utah

It happened. I honestly didn't think that this would happen while I was still in my twenties, or even in my thirties... and I certainly never expected it to be within the year that DOMA was struck down.  But after years of fighting and getting ourselves out there... showing that we are normal members of society and that we have the same capacity to love and cherish a spouse and raise beautiful children, Utahns have gained the right to get married in the state that we love. Judge Robert J. Shelby, District Judge for the United States District Court for the District of Utah wrote in his 53 page decision, "The state’s current laws deny its gay and lesbian citizens their fundamental right to marry and, in so doing, demean the dignity of these same-sex couples for no rational reason. Accordingly, the court finds that these laws are unconstitutional."

Couples are lined up at city hall in Salt Lake County, Davis County, and Cache County. Seth
Anderson and his husband Michael Ferguson were the first couple to be married, and in early reports it looks like over 200 liscences have been issued. Salt Lake City Mayer Ralph Becker has announced that he will stay all night if nessessary to perform marriage ceremonies.

Seth and Michael

 

Mayer Ralph Becker

 

I am so proud of my city!! I am proud to be a citizen of this great state.

The state of Utah has already filed an appeal from the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals, and filed for an immediate stay of the ruling. As far as I'm able to see... a stay has not yet been granted, but we'll see if one comes through tomorrow morning. While it's disapointing, it was certainly expected. I hope and pray that the pathetic reasons that are being argued in support of discrimination, will be swept aside. And if they do stand, I hope they refuse to issue marriage liscences to couples who are no longer of child bearing age, and refuse to allow couples to have children, when they won't follow "responsible procreation" or be raised in "optimal child rearing enviornments".

When I heard the news, I was sitting at my desk at work, and immediately after I read the message from a friend alerting me of the news, I started crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks, and a huge smile spread across my face. I'm sure I looked like a fool. But it was one of the most monumental moments of my life.

The Church has also made a statement after the announcement, "The Church has been consistent in it's supporter of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with respect. This ruling by a district court will work its way through the judicial process. We continue to believe that voters in Utah did the right thing by providing clear direction in the state constitution that marriage should be between a man and a woman and we are hopeful that this view will be validated by a higher court"

 

 

One day I hope that the Church I love so much will one day recognize the words of our Savior, quoted from John, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." It is also my hope that the leadership reads the declaration given by Joseph Smith on August 17, 1835 in the 134th section of the Doctrine and Covenants. Verse 4 reads, "We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others..." Verse 9 reads, "We do not believe it just to mingle religious influence with civil government..." We are a Church that has faced discrimination in the past, with a extermination order issused against us. We know, more than many religious and civil groups, the bitter sting of discrimination under the law.

Today, I am recognized as normal. I will be able to call my (one day) wife, my wife! I won't have to call her my "partner". Partner has always felt cold, distant, and not real. Now I can say I'm "married" without it being a lie. I'll be married rather than being eternally engaged to my girlfriend. I am now protected by law... laws without any pretty exceptions that they have to put in there so that people cannot deny me a home, or employment solely based on my sexuality.

I am free. No one can cage me now.

Just Be There

A couple of months ago I went to BYU in Provo, to help with a video that USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) was shooting about suicide awareness among LGBT Mormons, especially those at BYU. Although I am not a BYU student, I went and participated, because this is something that I have dealt with in the past, and it's something that is important to me. Suicide rates are high among LGBT teens and young adults, and even more so when they come from conservative religious backgrounds. It needs to stop.

Stories like these, and talks like the one given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland in General Conference, will help us on this journey. Things are changing.

Without further ado....

Outer Darkness

If there's anything that I've learned from speaking and participating at Affirmation two weeks ago, it's that there are high emotions surrounding being gay in the Church. The workshop that I participated in was highly weighted in why we stay in the Church as LGBT Mormons, but there were many participants who expressed their concerns, and pain with staying in the Church. I'm someone who will defend the Church when it deserves to be defended. I am someone who finds the good in the Church when there is good to be found. But when there is no good to be found, I don't stay silent, and I don't go away. It's just how I roll.

Because I don't let up on my convictions, I get beat down. Often. Which sucks. But it makes me wonder how many other LGBT Mormons, and our allies, get beat down for our beliefs and our lifestyles. How much longer are we going to be marginalized? How much longer will we hear the audible gasps and feel the unabashed stares? How many more friends and family will quietly walk out of our lives?

I've grown weary. I hear the disapproval of my peers often. I get it on social media, and through my emails. To them, I'm an apostate. I discourage the Spirit from coming anywhere near me, and by extension, them. I entice doubt, not faith. I promote deviance, not obedience. I am Satan incarnate... I am damned to Outer Darkness.

Believe it or not... these are all real examples, and they are all people who claim to "love their LGBT brothers and sisters". Some even claim to be building bridges between the communities. This doesn't build bridges. It tears them down.

My bridge is slowly crumbling... and sometimes I don't know why I stay in the Church. I honestly have no idea why I put myself through the pain. I wonder if I would be happier outside. I wonder if Christ only atoned for our sins... rather than for our sorrows. I wonder if God loves me. I wonder if He had me turn out gay so that He could damn me to Outer Darkness. I wonder if God is the vengeful God of Evangelical Christianity. Is He the loving God that we say He is? I want to believe it! I want to believe that He is compassionate, and warm!

But why are His children so cruel?

Cultural Mormonism

Cultural Mormonism... I hate it. I walk around Salt Lake City everyday, and everyday I hear about another horror story about people's interpretation of doctrine, and their attempts to be that perfect Mormon.

I hear stories about people who won't eat pork, because the Old Testament tells them not to. We've internalized the idea that the sight of women's shoulders and knees will unhinge every single man in the Church, and will cause them to revert to their primal sexual instincts. Or that if a young man wears anything other than a crisp, white shirt with a tie, they cannot participate in the sacred ordinance of passing the Sacrament. Or having more than one set of earrings, wearing sandals to Church, getting a tattoo... I could do this all day.

Every single one of these situations are textbook examples of culturally accepted beliefs in Mormonism that are more bulletproof than some of the most basic, established doctrines in this Church. None of these examples are cannonized doctrine. And last I checked, Christ came and fulfilled the law... meaning that we don't have to follow the Law of Moses anymore. Except for those two convienent verses in Leviticus... those are obviously valid.

There is a fantastic quote from Hugh Nibley, that perfectly addresses the "culture disguised as doctrine" in this Church, "The worst sinners, acording to Jesus, are not the harlots and publicans, but the religious leaders with their insistance on proper dress, and grooming, their careful observance of all the rules, their precious concern for status symbols, their strict legality, their pious patriotism."

I firmly believe that the obsession with how long your skirt should be, or how many earrings you can wear, is directly akin to the ancient obsession with how many steps you can take on the Sabbath. It detracts us from what is really important. When we obsess over the woman breastfeeding her child in Sacrament meeting, we forget about the miracles of Christ. We forget how Christ refused to condemn a woman caught in adultry. We forget that Christ was happier with Mary of Bethany sitting at His feet listening to Him teach, than with Martha slaving away in the kitchen. We forget that Christ tells us to love one another, as He has loved us.

We're human. We're in our earthly state of probation. We are not yet resurrected to our perfect, celestial bodies. We are therefore imperfect. How frustrating that must be for our Heavenly Parents! Judge not. Focus on what's really important. Treat others how you want to be treated. Take care of you're own imperfections before focusing on others. It'll make the world a better, happier place!

Silence

What do you do when Heaven is silent? When God simply doesn't answer a prayer? We're taught in Church that God will always answer our prayers. That not one goes without consideration. Sometimes the answer is yes... you pray to find your keys, and the next table you look under, voila! there they are. Sometimes the answer is yes, but in the most frustrating ways... "Sure... I'll help you find your keys... keep looking, I'll make you remember this experience." This is probably the most common answer, at least it is for me. Sometimes we are so hurt and upset that we can't recognize His comforting hand on our shoulder, and I think that is common for everyone. Sometimes the answer is no, "Nice try... This is the tenth time this week. You're on your own kid." But what happens when there's silence?

About a year and a half ago, I was taking a Statistics class. I studied hard, and spent hours with tutors. But Math has never been my strong point, and I struggled with even the most basic concepts. The night before my final exam, I knelt down and prayed that I could pass... even telling Him that a C- would suffice (C 's get degrees after all...) But I felt nothing. Not a yes, not a no... just empty space. I didn't know what it meant, but I got up and went to bed anyway.

I failed my exam. With flying colors.

I personally believe that silence is the "answer" when our hearts are closed to what God could say. I limited God. I doubted His power and influence. If we doubt (consciously or unconsciously) that God can actually answer our prayers, then He'll be silent. It takes two to tango.

That doesn't mean that if we have perfect faith that God will answer our every prayer, that He will do so. I can't tell you how many times I have begged and pleaded with God to help me find my car keys. His answer? "You're on your own with this one kid... this is the 10th time this week." God doesn't answer our prayers in the way we want Him to... That's the beauty of it. He makes us think; He makes us learn. Our Heavenly Parents are just that... parents. They will help us learn. But sometimes, it means teaching us a lesson... and that lesson is to put your keys back where they belong, otherwise you'll be ten minutes late for work.

It's not just the general membership that have silent prayers every once in a while... It's the Brethren too. I used to work with a guy who is one of President Monson's grand kids. He asked President Monson one day if he and the Brethren had prayed about homosexuality in the Church. And they have. They pray in their room in the temple, and they haven't received an answer. Not yes, not no... just silence. Why is this? I believe that it is because some/most/all of the Brethren have a bias... They believe that they are already right, and that they don't need to be praying about it. But instead of getting the instantaneous "yes" answer that they are looking for... it's absent. Gone.

I don't know about anyone else... but it gives me hope.

Journal Entry, 12 November 2011

Today I envy the heterosexual. I envy being "normal". I envy being wholesome and clean. I envy the girls that swoon over men like Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I envy the desire to date men. I envy the 95%.

I want to find men attractive. I want to view sex with men as enticing, and desirable. I want to find a temple worthy man to see me as an elect daughter of God. I want to have butterflies in my stomach when a guy smiles at me. I want to blush, and have that cute embarrassed look on my face. But I don't. I have the shame in the pit of my stomach instead.

I love Grey's Anatomy. It's my absolute favorite TV show. I wish that I could be Meredith Grey. She's straight, and she's beautiful. Meredith is awesome. Being straight is awesome. But I'm not Meredith. I'm not awesome. And I'm not straight.

The Mormon universe and the Gay universe swirl and collide in my head. They try to mix, but they are like oil and water. They touch, but they aren't the same. One is less than the other.

Why would God do this to me? Was I rebellious in the Pre-Mortal life? Was I displeasing to God? Am I unnatural? Am I sinful? I'm a virgin... But I'm considered to be immoral and virtue-less. How can I be immoral if I'm a virgin? How could I have lost my virtue if it's still physically (and emotionally) intact? Does God hate me?

I can't change. It's not lack of willpower. It's not lack of faith, or trust in God. I wasn't abused as a child, and I had good parents. Parents who didn't understand me, but they were good parents. They didn't do anything to make me the way I am. But I did. I ruined my life before it even started.

Should I end it in the same fashion?

11 Reasons Why Men Don't Need The Priesthood

1. A man's place is in the Army.
2. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibility of being a parent.
3. The physique of men indicates that they are suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to do ministerial tasks.
4. Man was created before women, obviously a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment rather than a crowning achievement of creation.
5. Men are too emotional to be elders or high priests. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.
6. Some men are handsome. This will distract female worshipers.
7. Bishops and Stake Presidents need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
8. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus, they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
9. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position that all men should take.
10. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, or perhaps even lead the song service on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.
11. Men don't need the priesthood. They have fatherhood.

Gay v. Same-Sex-Attracted

I've gotten a lot of flak from a variety of people about my choice of words when I identify myself. Which is annoying, but whatever.

I identify as a lesbian, though sometimes I will use the word gay... simply because I don't believe the term exclusively belongs to gay males. I use the words "gay" and "lesbian" because it defines me as a person. It points me out as someone who's confident with who I am, and that I am open to others asking questions, and that I welcome an honest dialogue. I prefer to use it in a Church context too, because it's clear. It leaves no room for error. I'm not going through a phase, nor am I looking to enter into a heterosexual relationship. I'm confident in myself. I don't want to have a label that tells people otherwise.

On the other hand, the Church, and by extension it's leaders, will almost exclusively use the terms "Same-Sex Attracted" (SSA) or "Same-Gender Attracted" (SGA). Church leaders have stated that the words homosexual, lesbian, and gay should be used as adjectives to describe thoughts, feelings or behaviors, and never as nouns to describe people. Their reasoning is that using these words imply that a person has no choice in regards to sexual behavior. The Church has since declared that homosexuality is not a choice, but as late as 1992, the Church was still teaching that homosexual problems could be overcome "through faith in God, sincere repentance, and persistent effort." In the October 2010 General Conference, President Boyd K. Packer is quoted saying, "Some suppose that they were preset, and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father."

This is sending a plethora of mixed messages to LGBT Mormons. They ask, "Is it ok to be gay? Am I born this way? Is this normal? Can I change my attractions?" Since the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1973, and the American Psychological Association followed in 1975, they would say, "Yes, it is ok to be gay. You were born this way, and it is normal. You cannot change your attractions because there is no need to change. You are wonderful just the way you are." But most Bishops and Stake Presidents will tell them to keep it to themselves, and these feelings aren't really a part of them, but simply an "earthly affliction" that they "suffer from" in this fallen world, and that upon the moment of death, this sordid affliction will be lifted in the next life, because they'll be in paradise (at least, that's been my experience in the past.)

In short, the terms Same-Sex Attracted, and Same-Gender Attracted infuriate me, and I am quick to correct anyone who uses them to describe me. I feel that they're diminishing, and demeaning. They are very clinical, and give the perception that I have a condition, that needs to be remedied and fixed. And I am perfect just the way that I am.

Let me state unequivocally... If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You do not have a disease. You do not need to cure yourself. And you are not inherently sinful. You are created in our heavenly parents' image. You don't have to accept the "same-gender attracted" label that the Church and it's members give you... not unless you want it. Your sexual orientation does not have to define you. I made the choice to have it define me, because I am comfortable with it, and I welcome shouldering the mantle of stares and judgement. I will do it, so you don't have to. If the terms that people use for you hurt you in any way, SPEAK UP! We are beautiful people, and we deserve respect.

Journey To Gay (Part 2)

When I started writing this, I intended it to be in just one post. But after looking at how long it got, I decided to split it in two.

When I moved to Utah at age 17, I was going through some major therapy (as to why is a whole other story). It was a good and bad experience, but honestly, I do not look back on it fondly. It destroyed my self esteem, I learned that I was wrong about just about everything, and right about virtually nothing. My mother, with whom I've never had a good relationship with, would not write letters to me, or speak on the phone. Our relationship never recovered. Nor did my relationship with the rest of my family.

But it was here, at my lowest point in life, that I finally recognized what I was. I finally recognized that I was gay. I craved an emotional, physical, and sexual connection to women... Not men. And it scared me, because at the time, I had a very conservative therapist, who I already did not like, or trust, so how could I possibly tell her my biggest secret? I remember the entire experience felt like a fight or flight... I simply had to survive. And there was no way in hell that I was going to tell her something that could potentially lengthen my stay. No way.

After that experience, I was released from my cage, and into the world of college. I was at Southern Utah University which is in no way a big school, or a party school, but it felt that way to me! I had 5 roommates in the dorm, and every single one of them is Mormon. Here is where my Mormon experience starts. I read the Book of Mormon, and I had the lessons with the missionaries. This was the first time that I had heard anything about homosexuality not being ok. And the Elders did a fantastic job at explaining it... They said nothing bad about gay people, or that they were damned to hell. They simply explained the Law of Chastity, that sexual relations were only allowed in marriage, and that marriage was between a man and a woman only. At this point, I was beginning to form a testimony, and I wasn't going to question it... This was the first time that I had ever felt the Spirit like that. And it felt right, and true. 

As I gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon, I read passages about God healing afflictions, and that He will bless me. I believed that, and I still do. But I foolishly thought that I could be fixed. Wrong. In my baptismal interview I was asked about homosexual activity, not feelings. So I answered his questions honestly. I got baptized and was on top of the world. I was happy.

I continued to date men... And no one really was able to fit the bill for me. One guy, Mike, came the closest... Still no fireworks and earthquakes when I kissed him (like I later would experience with women). But it was something. To this day, he's the only man I could seriously consider, but even then, I wouldn't be as happy as I know that I could be.

And then, in my last year living in Cedar City, my roommate Missy kissed me, and we formed a mini relationship. I was on fire... I never stopped wanting to feel her lips on mine. But wait! This is wrong! Dirty! Abominable! This is the same year that Elder Boyd K. Packer gave his infamous talk titled "Cleansing the Inner Vessel." I was terrified. And so was she. She "broke up" with me, and told me months later that if she or any of her friends see me, they'd beat the shit out of me. Naturally, I never again tried to contact her. 

This is where I tried to serve a mission, and it failed, because I told my bishop that I was gay. He was the first one I told... Needless to say, I didn't tell another bishop for a while. I went back into the closet. Dated another guy named Zac. And he's amazing... Just not for me. Reason? He has a penis. But... He will make a girl so happy one day :) He was the last guy I dated.

My boss at the time was my saving grae. Melanie is a lesbian, and grew up LDS, so she knew the dynamic I was struggling with. She was the first person that I had truly come out to. The first person who heard me say, "______, I'm gay." She helped me realize that I wasn't alone, and that there was nothing wrong with me. She was the missing piece in the puzzle for my self confidence.

I started dating a girl named Jamie. She was kind, and smart, but she had completely left the Church, and wanted different things for our lives. And it was difficult, but in the end it was for the best.

That's when I came out to my roommates... I couldn't stand being set up anymore, or them asking about my dating life. I told them, and at first it was alright, but after a while they turned really Molly Mormon about everything, and started insisting that I go to church with them, which was anything but what I wanted to do. I finally caved and went. 

That eventually proved to not be enough and they encouraged me to speak to the bishop. I scheduled a meeting and told him that I was gay... I didn't tell him about anything that I had done, just came out. He wasn't hostile about it, but he wasn't inviting either. He recommended articles that were "less than compassionate", and absolutely refused to refer to me as a lesbian, using instead the term same sex attracted. And I hate that more than anything else. The one good thing that came out of those meetings was a recommend to receive my patriarchal blessing.

It was around this time that I met Melissa and until 2 weeks ago, I was the happiest woman alive. I knew that I was finally being true to myself. I was being authentic. I wasn't hiding anymore. I was free.

Continue to Part 3

Two Paths Diverged In A Wood...

I have no idea what I want or where I want to go. Absolutely no idea. I want to go back to Church, and yet I don't. And it's not so much that I don't want to go back, it's that I don't know how. I love the Gospel more than I can explain... And I miss it in my life. I miss going to church every week and learning something new, and just being in that "spiritually uplifted" state of mind. But the problem is a ward... I need to be able to find a ward that I will feel safe and comfortable in. And that's not going to be easy. 

It's not as simple as you think... I can't just walk into my ward and expect the bishop to be ok with (1) my gayness, (2) my cohabitation with another woman, who by the way, is my ex, and (3) won't immediately excommunicate me upon hearing that I was sexually active with *gasp* a woman! (You really need to read that last part in the voice of the Emperor's Aid dude from Mulan... It makes it that much more epic)

I need to find a bishop that is progressive enough to know and understand that being gay is not a choice, and that I'm no less of a person because of it. I need my bishop to understand that I will not repent for having sex with a woman (have you ever heard of a bishop who expects a straight man to repent for having sex with a woman? Of course not! They will expect them to repent for the sexual act only.) Some bishops will see that declaration as me being unrepentant (and possibly an apostate), and will convene a disciplinary council to address the issue (and my membership). My ideal bishop will be able to separate the act from the orientation. 

All in all, I don't regret loving Melissa. I don't regret anything that happened in our relationship. At all. And it's hard to repent for something that I don't regret... I honestly don't even think it's a real thing. And I don't want to repent for it, simply because I don't think it's wrong for me to have loved her. The only thing that I could agree that was "wrong" about the nature of our relationship, was that we were unmarried and sexually active. And we couldn't remedy that by getting married, because Utah doesn't perform same sex marriages, or recognizes one performed in another state, and even if it did, the LDS Church does not. So marriage wasn't a realistic option. (Not to mention that I would be going through a divorce right now rather than just a break up)

Why am I talking about repentance? I miss the temple. It's quite simple really... I miss being in the presence of God. And for the last couple of months I've had this unshakable feeling that I need to go through the temple and receive my endowment. Yeah, talk about fucking complicated.

Do you see how I feel like I'm stuck in open water with nothing but a raft? It's not just the Melissa/Megan shit that going down. It's not just the fact that I have no real family that actually wants to see me or invite me home for Christmas (which with my new job, I might actually be able to afford now). Everything is connected. It's like my life is a big ball of copper wire... every wire represents an aspect of my life. But the wires are all tangled up in a big knot. And whenever anything happens, big or small, an electrical shock is shot through it. And because its a big tangled ball of copper wire, EVERYTHING gets shocked.

What do I do? What path do I choose? Where do I go?

Limbo, Limbo

•Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?

Are Y'all Getting Sick Of Me Yet?

I know I'm posting a lot. And I'm sure y'all are getting really annoyed with it. I can understand... I'm ranting and raving, and feeling sorry for myself. I get it. But I do better when I get all the venom out of me, so that when I do bite, it only stings for a little bit, instead of slowly poisoning you to death.

Tonight is the first night where I have slept alone... And I haven't slept alone for about 10 months now. I don't know how to sleep without a warm body next to me. I have Melissa's dog Maggie, which helps, and she's being so good curled up next to me. But it's not the same. Nothing's the same. 

I'm alone. And not just in my bed tonight, but in the world. I am alone. I don't have family. I don't have a ward in Church. I don't have anyone. Normally it doesn't bother me to be this alone, because its been this way for so long. But then I met Melissa, and everything changed for me. I was happy again. I was putting down roots. Everything came together. 

Until it fell apart.

Hopefully Maggie won't mind if I kiss the top of her head all night...

Where Do I Go From Here

With the recent deterioration of my engagement, my life has kind of hit neutral. I can't move backwards, and I can't move forward. I put all my eggs in one basket, because I honestly believed that we would be together forever. And now, I'm trapped in open water.

I don't know what to do. It's WAY too early for me to get back into the dating ring, and start thinking about another relationship. I can't take a break and get out of the city for a few days because I don't have any money. It's June, and there's no snow, so I can't just jump on the tram and lose myself in the mountains. I can't really do anything. I'm treading water.

And the one and only thing that I do want to do is play Halo and destroy everything. But my Xbox 360 has a major overheating problem, and nothing I've done to fix it has worked. And I've been trying to call places around town that repairs Xbox 360's, and not ONE has answered their phones in their declared business hours. And of all of them, only one had an answering machine, but I was unable to leave a message, because their voicemail was full. Which means they don't check it. I'm annoyed. And I swear the universe is out to get me. I just wanna shoot aliens... 

It's Been Swell

I met Melissa in May 2012. We started dating June 17, 2012, I told her that I loved her July 26th, and she asked me to marry her on November 4, 2012. June 10, 2013 she called it quits. I'm not going to pretend like I'm doing ok... Because I'm not. My heart is shattered and I feel like I'll never be happy again. (Where's my Patronus when I need it?) But here's to another door opening. Here's to living one day at a time.

We are still living together. Mostly we're too broke to afford to move out. And aside from being my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I don't want to cut her out  of my life. Because if I cut her out, then there's no one else left (My immediate family and I mutually evicted each other from our lives). 

But it's hard to not look at her like my girlfriend. I can't look at her with "roommate eyes" yet. I can't stop calling her "baby", "dear(est)", and "love"... Because we rarely used our first names in casual conversation with each other. It feels artificial, and fake. 

But it's not.

She's started flirting with (and possibly had started dating) a girl that she works with at Lowes... Megan. She's has had a crush on Melissa from the beginning. When they first started being friends, Melissa asked me if it was ok that they text, and hang out. Naturally, I said yes, because fully I trusted her. I told her that it was fine with me as long as the relationship stays appropriate. Joke's on me I guess.

I don't know who to reach out to... I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, because I caught the "married and boring" bug. I spent my free time with Melissa and few others. So it's going to be interesting.

Anyone in need of a sad, and pathetic friend?

It's gonna be rough going. It's going to suck. But, all in all, it'll be ok. It gets better, right?