Eternal Perspectives

Last Tuesday was my last week of Institute for the semester. It was an interesting semester, filled with both ups, and downs. The highlight of the semester was by far my Women and the Gospel: Eternal Perspectives class. While the class did not emulate my vision of women in the Church, nor did it change my beliefs, it offered me a different perspective, and a different voice to the conversation.

Sister Lisa Clayton is one of the biggest reasons I have stayed active in the Church. She showed us glimpses of our futures, filled with free thought, postgraduate education, careers, and motherhood. She allowed us to have an opinion, and did not shut down a conversation when difficult questions were asked, or when alternative opinions were voiced. She let us think, pray, ponder, and learn. She allowed us to come up with our own conclusions. She gave us freedom to choose.

At the end of class I gave her a letter. Sister Clayton will not be back next semester to teach, because she will be in the Toronto Canada Mission serving as Mission President with her husband. I have all the hope in the world that she will be a resource, a mentor, and a guide to those 19 year old sisters. Because that's exactly what she was to me.

Sister Clayton,

I just wanted to say how thankful I am for you, and for you're class. I signed up for Institute this year with hesitation... I've had less than positive experiences in Institute, and in the Church, so I walked into your classroom filled with doubt and trepidation.

In all honesty, I expected your class to be full of lessons on a "woman's place"... in the home, nurturing the children and supporting our husbands in their careers and Priesthood callings. The Church has really been hammering the idea that a woman's greatest achievements and honors come from motherhood, and I expected the class to mirror those talking points. I was pleasantly surprised every week.

Your lessons allowed for discussion, free thought, and personal opinion... something that I have been hard pressed to find in my classes and meetings as someone with alternative opinions. You allowed us to blaze our own trails, march to the beats of our own drummers. While some of us will choose to stay at home, most of us will go on to post graduate education, and careers that allow us to fulfill our mortal responsibilities and desires, while also allowing us to exceed our eternal destinies. Thank you for empowering us with these possibilities.

You asked me a few months ago in an email what I see upon my horizon... what I see my future brings. At the time, I was unsure of how to answer... the answers are anything but simple or typical. But they begin with my patriarchal blessing. The biggest thing that stands out to me is this:

The world is in commotion. There is a multitude of opinions, motives, and desires in conflict, and it is difficult for a seeker of truth to know who is right. The grace of God has given you the answer. Be grateful for the knowledge and testimony He has given you.

You see... in December 2011, right after my bishop and stake president revoked my mission call, I was in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple in South Jordan. I was in the baptistery and weeping uncontrollably. I was begging for God to take my same sex attraction away. I did not want it. And every time I asked, I was met with a tidal wave of despair and hopelessness. I believed the words of my bishop... that I was defected. Broken. Unclean. I planned on the trip being my last temple attendance. I was planning suicide.

And then, suddenly, I asked, "Is it ok for me to be gay? Is this how you made me?" The floodgates burst open, and all of the love, support, and joy I've been praying for, flooded into my body. This revelation of love and confirmation that God did indeed love me, and made me this way was not the only one. I felt strong impressions to find a wife, and to have a family... but most importantly, I was instructed to stay in the Church. My Heavenly Mother, and my Heavenly Father validated my hurt feelings, but They told me to "stay a little longer." So I'm still here.

I firmly believe that the revelation was from God. Satan cannot penetrate the walls of the temple, and his misleading messages cause doubt and fear. This was the farthest thing from fear and doubt. This was my spiritual rebirth.

My Patriarchal Blessing goes on to tell me:

You have been reserves to come to Earth in the dispensation of the fullness of times in which you now live, in order that you could assist in the preparations for the Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.

You will be able to accomplish the purposes for which you were sent to the Earth. There are significant purposes and circumstances where you'll provide very valuable assistance in accomplishing the work of the Lord.

I now know, 3 years later, that my true mission is here. Being active in my ward. Being a leader with Affirmation: LGBT Mormons, Families & Friends. My mission is to quell the untrue myths about LGBT people. I am here to show that we are just as good people, just as good parents, and just as good disciples of Christ as our heterosexual and cisgender brothers and sisters.

I do not claim to be receiving revelation for the Church. I want that to be clear. But I do want to stress that my Heavenly Mother and Father told me these things so that I would stay. Stay in the Church, but also to stay on the Earth. In mortality. I didn't know it then, but They needed me to be here to help the change in the Church to flourish and grow.

So... my horizon has a wife. Foster kids. A career in public service. A temple marriage. Ward/stake callings. Maybe even a few books. Pretty normal if you ask me. And hopefully, in 5, 10 or 20 years it will be seen as normal by everyone else.

Thank you for all of your love and support. You will be a fantastic asset to all of those sisters. Empower them to be who they are, to think for themselves, and help them grow into the strong leaders we will need in the future.

Love, Ellen

Horseshoes And Handgrenades

I've never really understood Mixed Orientation Marriages... a marriage where one member of the marriage is straight, and the other is gay. I've never understood why the gay spouse would subject themselves to a marriage of tolerance... a marriage of "horseshoes and hand grenades"... a marriage of "good enough". I've never understood why the straight spouse would subject themselves to the same marriage of tolerance... a marriage where they are loved... kind of.

I've never understood mixed orientation marriages. Until today.

Yesterday I went to my friend's house for FHE (which... was only FHE because we read one scripture... and then we went on with our lives). These friends are a married couple, and they are in a mixed orientation marriage. (For their anonymity, I'm not going to give their names). We talked about how mixed orientation couples are really overlooked by both the gay community, and the straight normaity. To the gay community, they are unauthentic because it's perceived that they "aren't gay enough... Secretly bisexual", or that they are selling out. Society's normality tends to just assume that the straight parter is gay too.

Their marriage is different from most married couples. The dynamics are different and will always be different. She has to really work to make the marriage work, and there's nothing wrong with it. She's gay. She's really gay. He knows she's gay, and is totally ok with it. He acknowledges that things could change, and they have a plan if they do. The most remarkable thing to me is that she didn't feel "obligated" to enter into this marriage. And I think that's important. No one should feel like the "have" to marry someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex.

Mormon culture is a little wigged out for me... when I was a brand new convert to the Church, I was consistently asked if I had "prayed about it" whenever I had a big decision to make... Like picking out matching socks. So naturally, most people in the Church will pray about the person they want to marry. When she prayed about marrying her husband, the answer she received was, "If you want to marry him, I will help you be happy." She believes the answer would have been the same had she wanted to marry a woman. How remarkable! There are SO many stories about LGBT members of the Church who have had divine confirmation from our Heavenly Parents, about their same-sex relationships, but how many of you have heard a story about a LGBT person receiving a confirmation that they can choose to marry someone of the opposite sex? 

I still don't have a personal understanding of Mixed Orientation Marriages, and I cannot advocate positively for them, because I know that I cannot honestly enter into one. I would never be able to love a man in the way that he deserves to be loved. But if I have learned anything, it's that people absolutely deserve to make their own choices when the choices are right for them... especailly when they have confirmation from our Heavenly Parents that what they are doing is right. We have no room to judge. We have no place to say what people can and cannot do. We need to love people for the lives they live, and support them in the decisions they make. We need to support them in the beautiful families that they raise, and we need to love them for the work they put in to make their families happy. 

Anonymous couple... you are my new besties. Stay gay, and stay awesome. And y'all have a cute baby!!

Drowning

How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?

Joke Was On Me All Along...

Truth's out... Melissa had an affair. Complete with saucy text messages about how much they love each other, and plenty of other things that make me want to be sick. The drives to "clear her head" while we were breaking up, turned out to be engineered to go out and see her. The "innocent" kiss at Pride turned out to be not-so-innocent (The Pride Festival and Parade happened before Melissa and I broke up... we didn't break up for 4 more days). And all along through the break up, when I asked her directly if she was seeing and/or kissing Megan, I consistently got "no" as an answer. Even after I confronted her with the evidence. But yet again... It was a lie disguised as her "not wanting to hurt me anymore than she already has". Have they had sex? She says not yet... But they're in Heber this weekend, and I'm sure it's happened by now...

I was surprisingly calm when I found everything out in the early hours of Thursday morning... But knowing that I was cheated on really puts a wrench into me being cool, calm, and collected.

What I can't understand is how Megan has one bit of compassion or a conscience. She knew that Melissa was in love with me. She knew that she was engaged. Engaged to be MARRIED! Yet, she still pursued her, flirted with her, and seduced her. How does someone have no conscience about going after a "married" woman? There were emails where Melissa says she feels bad for hurting me, and Megan's response is, "You aren't a horrible person." I'm sorry, but she broke off our engagement because she had an affair. With you. You both should feel terrible. I think that Melissa does... But I think Megan is simply polishing her trophy, and not giving a damn who she stepped on and hurt to get to it.

I finally understand why people blame themselves when they're partner/spouse cheats and has an affair. I keep thinking about where Melissa and I would be if she didn't work at L's (where she met Megan). Or if I could've done something better... 

It's one thing for people to get cold feet in their relationship, especially when it's getting serious. It's pretty healthy to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want in your life. And that was what she told me in the beginning. 

In the waning days of our relationship, I noticed Melissa pulling away from me. I thought that she might not be attracted to me anymore. Whenever I'd touch her, or kiss her forehead, she always reacted like she didn't want me to touch her. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I even asked her specifically, and she still said no... And she would say it in the most loving and affectionate way. But in reality, she was no longer attracted to me, and instead was attracted to that woman. Joke's on me. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and was completely oblivious to what was going on under my nose.

I feel so pathetic.

It's Been Swell

I met Melissa in May 2012. We started dating June 17, 2012, I told her that I loved her July 26th, and she asked me to marry her on November 4, 2012. June 10, 2013 she called it quits. I'm not going to pretend like I'm doing ok... Because I'm not. My heart is shattered and I feel like I'll never be happy again. (Where's my Patronus when I need it?) But here's to another door opening. Here's to living one day at a time.

We are still living together. Mostly we're too broke to afford to move out. And aside from being my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I don't want to cut her out  of my life. Because if I cut her out, then there's no one else left (My immediate family and I mutually evicted each other from our lives). 

But it's hard to not look at her like my girlfriend. I can't look at her with "roommate eyes" yet. I can't stop calling her "baby", "dear(est)", and "love"... Because we rarely used our first names in casual conversation with each other. It feels artificial, and fake. 

But it's not.

She's started flirting with (and possibly had started dating) a girl that she works with at Lowes... Megan. She's has had a crush on Melissa from the beginning. When they first started being friends, Melissa asked me if it was ok that they text, and hang out. Naturally, I said yes, because fully I trusted her. I told her that it was fine with me as long as the relationship stays appropriate. Joke's on me I guess.

I don't know who to reach out to... I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, because I caught the "married and boring" bug. I spent my free time with Melissa and few others. So it's going to be interesting.

Anyone in need of a sad, and pathetic friend?

It's gonna be rough going. It's going to suck. But, all in all, it'll be ok. It gets better, right?

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??

First USGA Meeting

I went to my first UGSA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting today down at BYU. Its a group of a bunch of BYU students who are gay/lesbian/bisexual, to have a safe place to be able to work through it, and to be able to network, and meet people like them. There is a mix of people who are devout Mormons who abide by the Law of Chastity, and people who are questioning if they want to or not, or are trying to make a hybrid of being Mormon, and being gay with a partner, to people who have left the Church entirely. I was afraid that it was going to be a bunch of super Mormons that are all gun-ho about being celibate, blah blah blah. And I met a lot of girls (a lot of cute girls lol) that still love the Church, and will continue to love it, but are choosing to be happy, and want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and spend the rest of their lives with them. And that is exactly what I am looking for in a girl. To a "T". 

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

First post in a long while

Jamie told me that I'm long overdue for a post. She's definitely right. :)

Quite a bit has happened in the last little while. Lots of good things, and plenty of bad. All in all, I think it all worked out for the best.

Today, however, I'm feeling bright and shiny... so I'm going to focus on the good. ;)

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing girl. Her name is Jamie, and she is everything I have ever wanted. She gets me, and she respects me. She is unique, and funny. She has passions, and she genuinely cares about everyone she meets. She is smart and thoughtful, and she puts other people's needs in front of her own. She is the 6th sister out of 7 sisters... all born in a row. And she has a little brother born right at the end. Her family is wonderful. They are LDS, and she still respects the Church... she just can't find where she fits in the Church, while still being gay, and knowing that she can't change it. She respects that I am still active in the Church, and that I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and where I fit in this world, and within this Church. She respects it, and we frequently talk about our feelings about it.

She is wonderful... and I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her in my life right now. She is a positive influence in my life. She brings out what is good in me, and she pushes me to be a better person, to be a better me.

She has her scars, and she has her baggage. But we all do. And I have more baggage and more scars than anyone else I have ever met. And we get through it. We get through the everyday struggles that girlfriends have. We have our share of arguments, and we have our share of hurt feelings. But in the end, we make up. We look at each other and see that being "right" wasn't what was important... its her. She is what's important. Us. Our relationship, and the love we have for each other. That is what's important.

And to anyone who actually reads this blog... and honestly, I highly doubt anyone does... but if you do (and especially if you know me), I am coming out right now... not coming out and saying that I'm gay, because I'm not. I still love men. And I love them a lot. So I'm not gay, and I might be bi... I really dont know yet... but what I do know, is that I love Jamie Merrill. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I'm dating a girl. So what? She's beautiful, and she certainly smells better than a sweaty, smelly guy. And her face doesn't scratch me when I kiss her. She dresses better than a guy, and she'll rock out to Taylor Swift with me anytime I want. And we can share clothes. 5 very good reasons to date women... just throwing that out there. ;)

In other news... the skiing sucks this winter... and that's just downright depressing....