Mormon Misogyny

"Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going?" I remember when the missionaries asked me these questions as an investigator. I told them that I came from Heaven, but was going to Purgatory. They didn't think it was very funny...

As members of the Church, we believe that God was once mortal... He was like us. We believe that the ordinances and covenants in the temple will allow us to become like God in the afterlife. Once we're like God, we'll make little spirit babies, and we'll live happily ever after, as we send our kids down to mortality and listen to them bitch and moan at us for stubbing their toes and losing their keys.

That's the plan. Be like God.

What if you're gay? If you're gay you need to reevaluate everything. "Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going?" The answers we all have been taught in Church... well... they simply aren't applicable anymore. They aren't going to happen... at least not as the Church teaches us.

How did Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother make us? How do we, when we achieve Godhood, create our own spirit children? In Moses 3:5 we learn that God created all things spiritually before they were created physically. He created us, and therefore we will create our own. Will I be literally birthing out babies? Ummmm... no. I'm not going to be doing that in mortality... much less for the rest of eternity. And the word create isn't exclusive to spirit children... it extends to things like planets and trees. Will I birth a planet? Fuck. No.

There is so much about the next life that we simply don't know. We don't know how we will make spirit children, or how eternity will be. Trying to say that homosexuality is not natural and not ordained of God by saying that you have to have a man and a woman to physically make the child, is idiotic at best. Heavenly Father would have had to have an eternal stash of little blue pills, and Heavenly Mother would have had to have a really high pain tolerance... and an ironclad vagina. It simply isn't logical.

And even if this is the way it's supposed to be... if the Plan of Salvation is really full of misogynistic doctrines and ideals... how ridiculous is it that Heavenly Father gets pleasure and power while Heavenly Mother gets pain and stretch marks? I mean... it is such a small price to pay to spend an eternity having your children, at worst, have no idea that you exist, and at best, feel you are too sacred to brag about...

Genesis 2:18-25

While I was still a closeted lesbian beginning to prepare for an LDS mission, I spoke with one of the missionaries I knew while I was still an investigator of the Church. I asked him how he approached the subject of homosexuality; especially with openly gay investigators. He told me that he would welcome them with love, but would still teach the doctrine of the Law of Chastity; that while sexual orientation itself is not sinful, all homosexual activity is, and that for any gay or lesbian person desiring to be baptized, and continue as a member in good standing, they would need to live a celibate lifestyle, or be engaged in a heterosexual relationship.

I am grateful that I have never had to teach someone that principle of doctrine. It simply would be too painful.         

Think about this for a minute. The Church has a single standard of morality that all members are to follow; abstinence from all sexual relationships prior to marriage with a person of the opposite sex. If a same-sex attracted individual was to follow that council, and cannot honestly engage in a heterosexual marriage relationship, then celibacy is the only way for them to continue their mortal and spiritual progression. They are as a result, companionless and alone.

But according to Genesis 2:18, it is not good for man to be alone. How can this be?

In the Garden of Eden, Adam lived in a perfect world. He possessed everything. He was in charge of the Garden of Eden, a manager of sorts. And Adam was “with God” He walked and talked with God through the Garden. He was not alone.

So when God proclaimed in Genesis 2:18 that it was not good for man to be alone, Adam must have been confused. After all, Adam was not alone! He was with God. How can someone be with God, and be alone at the same time? Adam must have wondered as well.

After Adam was told that it was not good to be alone, God creates the animals (Gen. 2:19). He brings them to Adam to be named. It is here (Gen. 2:20) that Adam realizes that there is no one “like him”, and for the first time, Adam feels alone. When Adam and Eve are presented to one another as companions (Gen. 2:23), Adam reacted with delight. This is illustrated by his statement, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” Adam’s statement is wonderfully symbolic of the closeness and intimacy he felt with Eve.

Intimacy is God’s remedy to human aloneness. Intimacy replaced that sense of incompleteness and disconnectedness. It is not until after the Fall, that Adam and Eve would feel this aloneness again.

Many members of the Church shoot my argument down straight at the beginning, by saying, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” And that is true, in a very literal interpretation. Hell, I even supported their argument by showing the amount of love, and closeness that Adam felt for Eve. That’s because Eve was suitable for Adam, and Adam was suitable for Eve.

Remember that these events are still before the Fall, before Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden by eating the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Good and Evil. So it is fair to say that they could not have experienced same-sex attraction, for they knew not pain or affliction. And for anyone who has experienced homosexual feelings, knows all too well the pain, anguish, and despair it causes.

Let’s look at what the word “help meet” means. In Genesis 2:18, God says He will make a help meet for Adam. In Hebrew, “help meet” translates to ‘ezer kanegdo. ‘Ezer translates to “aid”. Kanegdo traditionally translates to “meet for”, “fit for”, or “worthy of”. God gave Adam a help meet, someone who was suited to him, someone who was worthy to be with him.

Genesis 2:18-25, shows the importance that God gives to committed relationships. For a heterosexual, the only suitable companion is someone of the opposite gender. For a homosexual, the only suitable companion is someone of the same gender. To say that gays and lesbians should not form committed, intimate relationships is to say that it is good for (some) people to remain alone.

If it was not sufficient for Adam to be alone, in a perfect state of being, then why is it sufficient for those of us, who live in a fallen and forsaken world, who experience same-sex attraction? When religious doctrine dictates that such individuals must choose to enter into a heterosexual relationship, or remain celibate, is that doctrine not saying that it is good for such human beings to be alone? To lack the sort of intimacy with another human being Genesis 2:18 says is good? I humbly suggest, that the Bible correctly states that it is not good for men and women to be alone... regardless of race, sexual orientation, and gender identity.

Searching The Scriptures

I said in a post a couple of days ago that I was having some trouble searching the Scriptures to help make everything easier. Part of it definitely was me trying to search for comfort while my heart and mind were filled with animosity. The other part of me genuinely had no idea where to begin to look. But this morning before I started work, I was sitting at a table with my scriptures open in front of me, and I said a silent prayer for the Lord to stay close to me, and to help me find comfort and strength from His words.

I got a bit more than I was bargaining for.

I was pleasantly surprised that I found a lot of comfort from the Old and New Testaments. I think as Mormons, we sometimes overlook the value of the Bible, because we lean so heavily on the Book of Mormon (not that thats a bad thing). But I felt like I was really able to increase my knowledge of the Old and New Testaments by finding these scriptures.

Old Testament:

•Joshua 1:6-9 – I think my favorite verse is verse 9. Be strong, be brave... The Lord is there.

•Psalm 23 – Everyone knows this one... The Lord is my shepherd. One of my favorite scriptures of all time... (I have a pretty fantastic story about this scripture that I might have to share one day)

•Psalm 25:16-22 – This one deals a lot with forgiveness, but forgiveness goes hand in hand with compassion, comfort, and love.

•Psalm 27 – Trust in the Lord. Confide in Him.

•Psalm 30:5 – "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." While I've cried for almost 2 weeks, joy will come. Eventually.

•Psalm 31 – "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness." Another one of my very favorites. 

•Psalm 46:1 –  God is our refuge and strength. 

•Psalm 147:3-5 – Heavenly Father knows each of us personally. He understands our own individual trials and pains, and He will lift us up and bind our wounds.

•Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord, He will not lead you astray.

•Ecclesiastes 3 – There is a time and place for everything. Anger and Happiness alike.

•Isaiah 26:3 – Trust in the Lord with perfect peace.

•Isaiah 49:13 – The Lord will comfort His people. He will have mercy upon His afflicted.

•Jeremiah 31:13 – The Lord will comfort me, and turn my mourning into joy.

New Testament:

•Matthew 11:28-30 – Come unto me, and I will give you rest.

•John 14:1-2 – The Lord has a place for me. He knows my needs.

•John 14:18 – The Lord will not leave me comfortless.

•John 14:27 – "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you."

•John 15:17-20 – Love one another.

•Romans 8:31 – If God be with us, who could be against us?

•Romans 12:10-21 – There's simply no better scripture to teach you to get along with your fellow man.

•2Corinthians 1:3-4 – Heavenly Father will be merciful and comforting through our trials.

•Colossians 3:12-17 – People sometimes refer to this as Paul's secret to happiness.

•2Thessalonians 2:16-17 – Heavenly Father will give us everlasting hope and comfort.

•Hebrews 11 – With faith, we can work miracles.

Book of Mormon:

•1Nephi 1:20 – The tender mercies of the Lord are over those He has chosen, through their faith.

•1Nephi 3:7 – I will do the things the Lord commands of me, and I will have no fear, for He will provide a way.

•1Nephi 9:6 – The Lord knows all things, and has the power to fulfill His words.

•1Nephi 20:10 – The Lord will build me up, and will help me be the best person I can be.

•2Nephi 2:2 – My trials will be to my good.

•2Nephi 2:25 – Adam's transgression in the Garden allowed for me to come to this earth. While I will always feel pain, I will always feel joy.

•2Nephi 26:28 – None are forbidden to take part of God's goodness. All are alike unto God.

•2Nephi 31:3 – The Lord will give me guidance personally, so that I can learn, and know His love.

•Mosiah 18:8-9 – Easily one of my most favorite scriptures. It brings a tear to my eye every time :)

•Alma 7:11-12 – Christ's Atonement, and infinite love for us.

•Alma 31:26-35 – Alma pleads with the Lord for strength and patience

•Alma 36:3 – Whoever trusts in God will be supported in their trials.

•Ether 12:4 – Hope comes from faith.

•Ether 12:27 – Grace is sufficient for all who humble themselves in their weaknesses.

•Moroni 10:32 – Love God with all your might, and protect yourself from all ungodliness, and His grace will be suffucient. 

There were some wonderful talks from General Conference and the Ensign by Russell M. Nelson, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Jeffery R. Holland.

All in all, I don't feel a whole lot better, but I'm getting closer. 

 

Limbo, Limbo

•Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?

Testimony

I'm a very spiritual person... Always have been. Even since I've been a little girl, I have always been keen to the promptings of the Spirit... Even when I don't listen to them.

There was something about the Gospel, that the Catholic Church just didn't have. I felt like all the loose ends were tied up. Everything just clicked and made sense. The Bible supports the Book of Mormon, and the Book of Mormon supports the Bible. It never made sense that revelation would just stop at the death of Christ, and that there were no more Prophets to guide the world... It never made sense that the Canon just closed. So when the missionaries (Elder Lund, and Elder Hill) taught me that families were eternal, and that there was no "Til death do us part", I felt at peace (I had always believed that in heaven, families were together... But that is not Catholic Doctrine... Earthly relationships ended at death). When they taught me that the Canon was not closed, and that there was a living prophet on the earth, Thomas S. Monson, who receives revelation for the Church, and for the world, I was at peace... These were all things that I already believed. That's how I got my "common sense" testimony. And that is the testimony that I ran on when I got baptized.

My "spiritual" testimony didn't really kick in until this last year or so. My life was in the can... I was denied the opportunity to serve a mission, and I was crushed. I hated the Church, and I hated God. I started drinking, I stopped praying, and I stopped believing that God loved me. And I was in a dark, dark, place. I was done. And then I took a step back, and realized how miserable I was without the Church. I wasn't unhappy all of the time, but I wasn't really happy either. I was just "blah". So I decided to go back. No one pressured me, and it wasn't because of anyone else... It wasn't for the Bishop, or my visiting/home teachers... It was for me. Because who cares that I like other girls?? It's no one's fucking business!! It doesn't matter. I am no different than anyone else in my singles ward (except for the fact that I'm the vegetarian in the meat market). There is not one God damned person in my ward who can look down on me, or judge me, because they sure aren't perfect... My former home teacher should be entered as Exhibit A for the defense (but that's a story for... well...never.). I belong there just as much as everyone else.

Now, that doesn't mean that I agree with the Church on every position... Not in the least. And they range for little things, like not having a special Christmas Sacrament Meeting (I still go to Midnight Mass at the Cathedral of the Madeline every Christmas for that reason... If you've never been, GO)... To big things, like homosexuality (among others). It hurts me that I can't go to the temple anymore... I think that's what I miss the most. I hate that I am expected to live my life alone, and repress any and all attractions I have. I hate that I will never have a temple marriage, and that because I will never have a temple marriage, I will never reach the highest degree of salvation. All of these things seriously suck for me. I hate that certain General Authorities still speak on the topic of homosexuality, who have been so hurtful with their words in the past. (specifically President Boyd K. Parker and Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles). I hate that there are members of the Church (and society at large) who believe that I am sick... And that I can "overcome this affliction". It's annoying, and it implies that my life, feelings, attractions, and experiences are not authentic. I also hate that people in the Church believe that the Republican Party is God's anointed party...

But that's not the point...

The point is, is that the Gospel is true. Not the institution. Whenever I get up in Fast and Testimony meeting to bear my testimony, I always say that I know the Gospel is true. Not the Church. Someone once noticed it, and asked me why I never said that the Church was true. I came back saying, "Is the Gospel not true?" It shut her up real quick.

The General Authorities are still men. They are inspired, and I sustain them every 6 months in General Conference... but they are still men. The ninth Article of Faith states, "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." They are guiding the Church based on the revelation that we have received, but also with the cultural, and generational bias that comes with along with it.

In the spirit of the 9th Article of Faith, I genuinely believe that the Church will give full fellowship to the LGBT Latter-days Saints. I really do. Some of you, (like that anonymous comment on my post New Ward) probably think I'm an idiot for this... Sticking in an organization that "hates" me. The organization doesn't hate me... Some of the membership, yes... But honestly, I hate them too.

I do not fear mortality, because I know that Christ will welcome me into Heaven with open arms once my earthly probation is finished. He loved me unconditionally, and He completed the Atonement for my sake. He is the only person who has ever walked the Earth who was perfect. Not President Packer. Christ is the one who said: "Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." (KJV Matthew 5:4, 6-12) Jesus Christ is my Saviour... Not an ideology.

I am a Mormon, and I am a lesbian. Not "but"... "and". They are inseparable parts of my identity... One cannot be without the other. I don't want to leave the Church. And I don't want to be straight. If I woke up tomorrow morning, and was "cured", I would cry, and plead with The Lord to give it back to me... Because I've invested far too much time learning to accept myself for who I am, and shaping myself into the kick ass person I am today, to start all over again. This Church has done more for me than I could ever express in words. And this restoration of this Gospel has done more for the world than any other spiritual event in history, save the Atonement of Christ.

I'm happy. And fuck anyone who thinks that I don't deserve it.

New Ward

So I moved recently. Officially a month ago, but I had stopped really living there in August. I love my new house, and love that I'm living with Melissa... I don't have to deal with the Molly Mormon, "shove the Gospel down your throat", "you'll never achieve actual happiness if you fall in love with another woman" roommates again. So freaking glad.

I think the only thing I'm going to miss about living there, is the ward. I absolutely LOVED that ward. The people were amazing, and the Relief Society presidency was a life saver at times. The bishop... Yeah, won't miss him too much. I mean... He was a wonderful man, and he did so much for the ward members. But when it came to me... He should have approached the whole "lesbian" thing a lot different. Every time the subject was brought up in our bi-weekly meetings, it was always like this, "So lets talk about you thinking that you're gay." Thinking??? Trust me... I know. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. Every General Conference talk, or Ensign article he would present to me would only make me feel more discouraged about where I belonged in this Church. He only emphasized things about me that were inherently wrong, and that needed to be remedied. Never anything that was good, or worthy. Never mind the fact that I joined this Church knowing that I was gay (I had admitted it only to myself, and honestly... I hadn't even admitted that I was "gay"... Just that I liked other girls). I knew I was gay, and I knew how this Church treated gays... Prop 8 made that very clear. Never mind my attempt to serve a mission. Never mind that despite how church leaders have treated me personally, and despite mountains of GC talks, Ensign articles, and other Church literature that make this part of my identity a "disease", an "affliction", and something that can be overcome, because its a "sin next to death"... I AM STILL HERE! I still walk into my meetings, with my head held high, I still participate in my Sunday School and Relief Society classes, and I still met with him every 2 weeks. I'm still here.

But now that I've moved, I'm in a different ward. And I'm excited... New people are always fun. But I'm scared that I'm going to have another bishop who is insensitive to the needs that I have. Or that I'll have a Relief Society president, or Sunday School teacher, or multiple people in the ward who are very anti-gay. I'll still be myself, and I'll still come out (at the appropriate moment of course... I'm not going to glitter bomb the ward in Fast and Testimony meeting this Sunday). But I'm scared... This church has an unforgiving history of discrimination, and using the Standard Works and other Gospel Literature to support their hateful and hurtful bigotry.

The advantage I have, however, is that I am in a singles ward. The younger generations are becoming more and more accepting (even within the Church), and that makes me feel a little more at ease.

We'll see how this Sunday goes.....

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?