Second Chances

I've had a few people over the last month or so, ask me if I would take Melissa back, if she left Megan tomorrow. The short answer is yes. I would take her back. (I can feel the glares coming through my screen right now...) I love her. I'm furious with her. And I'm hurt. She has hurt me so badly, and that scar probably will never go away. But I love her. And I would take her back. I wouldn't even pause to consider it. 

Melissa's not a bad person. She's done some shitty things. She's been a liar, an (emotional) cheater, and she's been completely inconsiderate, but she's a good person. She's kind. She's smart. She's compassionate (most of the time). She left me suddenly, and left me in the dust emotionally, but she didn't leave me physically (no... I'm not referring to sex), and she didn't leave me emotionally. Because we were engaged, and we were planning (or at least I was planning) to spend our lives together, we pooled money. My money was her money. Her money was my money. Mi casa, su casa. (Right? Me no hablo Spanish). When she broke up with me, we still continued to share finances, because it would have ruined both of us financially. She still gives me rides to work. She complains about it sometimes, because it can be an inconvience, but she has still done it. She's a good person. 

 Could I trust her? Probably not in the beginning. Not with everything anyway. Deep down, she's not a liar. Until all this shit hit the fan, I don't think she had ever purposefully withheld information about things. And if she did, then I'm just pathetic, because I didn't pick up on it. There would have to be ground rules. No alone time with Megan. Ever. I can't really set a rule that she can't ever see Megan, because they work together, but I can say that. She would have to answer her phone if I call, and if she does miss it, she would have to call me back as soon as she gets it. I'm sensitive to the excuses of "I'm just going to go for a drive", because its been proven that those drives more often than not are engineered to go see Megan. I would be able to read her texts with Megan, or at least have her read them with me. I don't need all the details, but I need something to prove that she's not going behind my back again. But eventually, I would forgive her. Completely forgive her. 

I believe in second chances. I believe that people can change, and can genuinely be remoreseful for the things that they do. I get it. I've been given second chances. Sometimes, third and fourth chances. Melissa's given me second chances. I'm not completely innocent. Every relationship has it problems. We had gotten out of the "lovey dovey honeymoon stage", it wasn't easy. But love is about making it work even when the easy thing to do is bail. Love is hard. It takes work. I was, and still am, willing to put in the work to make it worth it. 

She wasn't willing to put in the work. There's nothing I can do about it. Being powerless is the worst feeling.

Drowning

How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?

Two Paths Diverged In A Wood...

I have no idea what I want or where I want to go. Absolutely no idea. I want to go back to Church, and yet I don't. And it's not so much that I don't want to go back, it's that I don't know how. I love the Gospel more than I can explain... And I miss it in my life. I miss going to church every week and learning something new, and just being in that "spiritually uplifted" state of mind. But the problem is a ward... I need to be able to find a ward that I will feel safe and comfortable in. And that's not going to be easy. 

It's not as simple as you think... I can't just walk into my ward and expect the bishop to be ok with (1) my gayness, (2) my cohabitation with another woman, who by the way, is my ex, and (3) won't immediately excommunicate me upon hearing that I was sexually active with *gasp* a woman! (You really need to read that last part in the voice of the Emperor's Aid dude from Mulan... It makes it that much more epic)

I need to find a bishop that is progressive enough to know and understand that being gay is not a choice, and that I'm no less of a person because of it. I need my bishop to understand that I will not repent for having sex with a woman (have you ever heard of a bishop who expects a straight man to repent for having sex with a woman? Of course not! They will expect them to repent for the sexual act only.) Some bishops will see that declaration as me being unrepentant (and possibly an apostate), and will convene a disciplinary council to address the issue (and my membership). My ideal bishop will be able to separate the act from the orientation. 

All in all, I don't regret loving Melissa. I don't regret anything that happened in our relationship. At all. And it's hard to repent for something that I don't regret... I honestly don't even think it's a real thing. And I don't want to repent for it, simply because I don't think it's wrong for me to have loved her. The only thing that I could agree that was "wrong" about the nature of our relationship, was that we were unmarried and sexually active. And we couldn't remedy that by getting married, because Utah doesn't perform same sex marriages, or recognizes one performed in another state, and even if it did, the LDS Church does not. So marriage wasn't a realistic option. (Not to mention that I would be going through a divorce right now rather than just a break up)

Why am I talking about repentance? I miss the temple. It's quite simple really... I miss being in the presence of God. And for the last couple of months I've had this unshakable feeling that I need to go through the temple and receive my endowment. Yeah, talk about fucking complicated.

Do you see how I feel like I'm stuck in open water with nothing but a raft? It's not just the Melissa/Megan shit that going down. It's not just the fact that I have no real family that actually wants to see me or invite me home for Christmas (which with my new job, I might actually be able to afford now). Everything is connected. It's like my life is a big ball of copper wire... every wire represents an aspect of my life. But the wires are all tangled up in a big knot. And whenever anything happens, big or small, an electrical shock is shot through it. And because its a big tangled ball of copper wire, EVERYTHING gets shocked.

What do I do? What path do I choose? Where do I go?

Limbo, Limbo

•Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?

D-Day Plus 10

I find it really ironic that my break up coincided with June 6th, D-Day. So now... in the aftermath of my break-up/divorce/whatever you want to call it, I can count the day's as D-Day Plus 1, 2, 3. It makes me a mega nerd, but it's effective in keeping track of the days.

Last night really sucked. I couldn't sleep and Maggie refused to lay anywhere near me... which put a wrench into the whole theory that if she cuddles with me, then I won't feel so lonely and cold in my big empty bed. And it would have worked, if she wouldn't have been acting so anti-social. Trust me when I say that Maggie is a very... friendly... dog. Meanie dog face just wanted to hang out with Bridey... Traitor.

So now I'm sitting at work, and its slow, and I have too much time on my hands to think about everything I don't want to think about. Like all the dirty, nasty sex that probably happened on the other side of the Wasatch. Who in their right mind would want to be thinking about the love of their life having sex with another woman?? Certainly not me, and yet... here I am.

*cue the cane yanking me off the stage.*

On the good side of life... the one I haven't seen in what feels like a year... I got a new job! I am the newest employee with American Express! I had the interview on Thursday afternoon, and after telling me that I would find out by the next day, my interviewer called me back to extend the offer after about an hour... needless to say, I think they like me a whole lot :) And the salary is quite nice... I don't feel comfortable saying how much it is, but I'm making roughly double of what I've been making the last 2 years. And that's significant. I'll finally be able to go to the eye doctor and get new glasses with the stronger prescription I've been needing for the last year. I'll be able to update my wardrobe. I'll be able to buy a reliable car. Get some real furniture... So yeah... I'll be living like a normal human being, rather than a starving college student for the first time since I moved from Defiance.

AND... they have an on-site fitness center. So I'll finally be able to start losing weight, and getting back into shape without spending money I don't have, on a gym membership that I'll be too lazy to use. Now all I'll have to do is go to work an hour early, or leave an hour late... It'll be easy. No problem. Don't get me wrong... I'm still lazy, and I'll still not want to go more often than not. But at least I won't be wasting any money, and I won't have any excuse to say that its too far, or that I don't have time, because it's at my work. Piece of cake. Hopefully I'll be able to get a workout buddy, so I can't skimp out on it. :)

So... I'm a huge World War II buff... I absolutely love it. And I own a lot of World War II movies... Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, Windtalkers, Flags of Our Fathers, Valkyrie, Letters From Iwo Jima, Saints and Soldiers, and U-571. Plus a bunch of other war movies from other wars. I'm looking for suggestions on other good movies (and books... I'll never say no to a good book) that I should look into.

Ok, I'm bored. And my shift ends in about 30 minutes, so I should probably go and do the things that I'm being paid to do.

Au revoiur!

Are Y'all Getting Sick Of Me Yet?

I know I'm posting a lot. And I'm sure y'all are getting really annoyed with it. I can understand... I'm ranting and raving, and feeling sorry for myself. I get it. But I do better when I get all the venom out of me, so that when I do bite, it only stings for a little bit, instead of slowly poisoning you to death.

Tonight is the first night where I have slept alone... And I haven't slept alone for about 10 months now. I don't know how to sleep without a warm body next to me. I have Melissa's dog Maggie, which helps, and she's being so good curled up next to me. But it's not the same. Nothing's the same. 

I'm alone. And not just in my bed tonight, but in the world. I am alone. I don't have family. I don't have a ward in Church. I don't have anyone. Normally it doesn't bother me to be this alone, because its been this way for so long. But then I met Melissa, and everything changed for me. I was happy again. I was putting down roots. Everything came together. 

Until it fell apart.

Hopefully Maggie won't mind if I kiss the top of her head all night...

Joke Was On Me All Along...

Truth's out... Melissa had an affair. Complete with saucy text messages about how much they love each other, and plenty of other things that make me want to be sick. The drives to "clear her head" while we were breaking up, turned out to be engineered to go out and see her. The "innocent" kiss at Pride turned out to be not-so-innocent (The Pride Festival and Parade happened before Melissa and I broke up... we didn't break up for 4 more days). And all along through the break up, when I asked her directly if she was seeing and/or kissing Megan, I consistently got "no" as an answer. Even after I confronted her with the evidence. But yet again... It was a lie disguised as her "not wanting to hurt me anymore than she already has". Have they had sex? She says not yet... But they're in Heber this weekend, and I'm sure it's happened by now...

I was surprisingly calm when I found everything out in the early hours of Thursday morning... But knowing that I was cheated on really puts a wrench into me being cool, calm, and collected.

What I can't understand is how Megan has one bit of compassion or a conscience. She knew that Melissa was in love with me. She knew that she was engaged. Engaged to be MARRIED! Yet, she still pursued her, flirted with her, and seduced her. How does someone have no conscience about going after a "married" woman? There were emails where Melissa says she feels bad for hurting me, and Megan's response is, "You aren't a horrible person." I'm sorry, but she broke off our engagement because she had an affair. With you. You both should feel terrible. I think that Melissa does... But I think Megan is simply polishing her trophy, and not giving a damn who she stepped on and hurt to get to it.

I finally understand why people blame themselves when they're partner/spouse cheats and has an affair. I keep thinking about where Melissa and I would be if she didn't work at L's (where she met Megan). Or if I could've done something better... 

It's one thing for people to get cold feet in their relationship, especially when it's getting serious. It's pretty healthy to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want in your life. And that was what she told me in the beginning. 

In the waning days of our relationship, I noticed Melissa pulling away from me. I thought that she might not be attracted to me anymore. Whenever I'd touch her, or kiss her forehead, she always reacted like she didn't want me to touch her. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I even asked her specifically, and she still said no... And she would say it in the most loving and affectionate way. But in reality, she was no longer attracted to me, and instead was attracted to that woman. Joke's on me. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and was completely oblivious to what was going on under my nose.

I feel so pathetic.

It's Been Swell

I met Melissa in May 2012. We started dating June 17, 2012, I told her that I loved her July 26th, and she asked me to marry her on November 4, 2012. June 10, 2013 she called it quits. I'm not going to pretend like I'm doing ok... Because I'm not. My heart is shattered and I feel like I'll never be happy again. (Where's my Patronus when I need it?) But here's to another door opening. Here's to living one day at a time.

We are still living together. Mostly we're too broke to afford to move out. And aside from being my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I don't want to cut her out  of my life. Because if I cut her out, then there's no one else left (My immediate family and I mutually evicted each other from our lives). 

But it's hard to not look at her like my girlfriend. I can't look at her with "roommate eyes" yet. I can't stop calling her "baby", "dear(est)", and "love"... Because we rarely used our first names in casual conversation with each other. It feels artificial, and fake. 

But it's not.

She's started flirting with (and possibly had started dating) a girl that she works with at Lowes... Megan. She's has had a crush on Melissa from the beginning. When they first started being friends, Melissa asked me if it was ok that they text, and hang out. Naturally, I said yes, because fully I trusted her. I told her that it was fine with me as long as the relationship stays appropriate. Joke's on me I guess.

I don't know who to reach out to... I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, because I caught the "married and boring" bug. I spent my free time with Melissa and few others. So it's going to be interesting.

Anyone in need of a sad, and pathetic friend?

It's gonna be rough going. It's going to suck. But, all in all, it'll be ok. It gets better, right?

The Sanctity of Marriage

I was thinking about people's reasoning's for being against marriage equality the other day. People quote the Bible at me, or tell me that its just gross (unless its a guy that I'm talking to... then he's thinking "threesome"). But the one that I've been hearing most often, is that they are committed to securing the sanctity of marriage. Here's what I have to say to that:

"If you believe in preserving the sanctity of marriage, then relinquish your right to divorce."

Lets think about it... Larry King has been divorced 8 times to 7 different women! How's that for preserving the sanctity of marriage.

Or Kim Kardashian and Whats-His-Face... married for like 70 days. Brittney Spears and Whats-His-Face... married for 72 hours. And those are just celebrities... I personally don't expect much out of them. What about the average Joe who lives 2 doors down?

Here are some statistics from here in the US.

Percentages broken down by age:

• Under 20. Men: 11.7% Women: 27.6%
• 20-24. Men: 38.8% Women: 36.6%
• 25-29. Men: 22.3% Women: 16.4%
• 30-34. Men: 11.6% Women: 8.5%
• 35-39. Men: 6.5% Women: 5.1% 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

• First Marriage: 41%
• Second Marriage: 60%
• Third Marriage: 73% 

Looks like Larry King is the poster boy of this statistic...

Now, I don't actually believe that divorce should be stripped from all lawfully wedding couples.... most people don't just get divorced for the fun of it... There is almost always a good reason for it. Melissa's parents are a prime example. There is no way to regulate who can/can't get a divorce, or why (kind of like abortion... but that's not the point). People deserve to end a marriage if they have to.

I believe that marriage is sacred. I believe that marriage is eternal and everlasting. Divorce is a complicated, and messy situation, and I believe that it should be avoided at all costs. Marriage is based on love. Based on sacrifice. There are millions of same-gender couples out there whose relationships last longer than most marriages out there. They love each other. They fight, and argue, and bicker just like everyone else. And they have the easy way out! They can just pack up their things and leave... they don't need a divorce to break up. But they stay in it. They fight for it. And they don't give up.

I got a new job about a month ago. And I was in the HR department filling out health insurance forms, and getting everything squared away. I asked about same-sex couples... not covered, because all of the insurance companies are run by the state government, who does not recognize same-sex marriages or civil unions. Nor is Melissa entitled to any spousal benefits, that would routinely be given to a spouse. While I was talking this over with the HR representative, she mentioned that her long-time boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, so they are in a domestic partnership... so that they can enjoy all of the legal benefits of being married, without actually being married. 

I stared at her in disbelief... that would be enough for me. Fine... don't let us get married. Don't give us the word "marriage". I'll take "Civil Union" or "Domestic Partnership"... granted I would like the same word as everyone else... but whatever. I'll take what I can get. I just want to be able to take Melissa to the ER, and have her be covered by my insurance. I just want to have the right to sit next to her, and hold her hand... and have the legal right to be there. I want to have the right to be able make medical decisions if I have to. I want her to be able to receive my life insurance benefits. I want her to be able to inherit everything that I leave to her, without any of the insanely high estate taxes. I just want to be treated like everyone else.

How much is that to ask?

Compassion

In the immediate aftermath of Tuesday's election, social media exploded. I saw many posts with cheers of victory. I also saw posts full of complaining... predicting the Second Coming of Christ, and declaring President Obama to be the Anti-Christ. I also saw posts of people threatening to move to Canada... and I urge them to grow a pair, and do it. Good freaking riddance.

I was on the winning end of the ballot. President Obama was reelected, Jim Matheson (D) edged out Mia Love (R) for reelection in the House of Representatives, and Ben McAdams (D) won election for Salt Lake County Mayor. Although Orrin Hatch (R) beat Scott Howell (D) to keep his seat in the Senate, and Governor Gary Herbert (R) won reelection against Peter Cooke (D) for Utah Governor, I still finished at 3-2, and I'm counting that as a win. I gave my fair share of hoorays. I also played a lot of defense... A LOT of defense. A friend of mine went as far as to call me an apostate for my liberal political leanings, and suggested that, "because I support legislation that kills an innocent baby, that I deserve to be killed simply because I am a lesbian... that that would be a step in the right direction for this country to return to its former glory. (Or back to the 1950s).

Needless to say, I told him to go fuck himself, and I went on with my day.

But this post isn't about all of the asshole Republicans I know. This is about compassion.

Everyone who's LDS, knows that Church Doctrine states that marriage is between one man and one woman. Most Mormons will confirm that in their own testimonies. Melissa and I went to dinner with her mom Monday night. At the end of the meal, she said that she had prayed long and hard about homosexuality and the Church's Doctrine. She studied in the Standard Works (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price), and studied articles and talks from the Ensign and General Conference... specifically from the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. She said that she has an overwhelmingly strong testimony of marriage being between one man, and one woman. That anything else is against the Lord's sacred Plan of Happiness. And that it makes her very sad for Melissa and I, because we can never achieve the Celestial Glory that is promised to us.

But she acknowledges our relationship. She acknowledges that we are dating. She expressed that she enjoys my company, and she enjoys it when I come to family functions. I am currently there as "the roommate"... because she, and Melissa's step-dad are not yet ready to "come out" as the parents of a gay child (and her girlfriend). Its not ideal... I really am not a fan... but... I know that she needs space. She needs time to process.

I worried that once Melissa and I get married, she still won't be ready to acknowledge us for what we are. I'm worried that when we have children, she won't acknowledge our family as legitimate. I worry that I'll be "the roommate" for the rest of my life. But, she likes me, and she loves her daughter unconditionally. And for now, that's what counts.

Mormons are not hateful bigots (OK... some are...). Mormons do not blindly follow the council of the First Presidency, Quorum of the Twelve, and the rest of the General Authorities (OK... fine... those people exist too...). Sure, the Church has a dirty political history with Proposition * in California in 2008. But the Church was curiously absent in the Maryland, Washington, Minnisota, and Maine ballot measures. There are many Mormons out there who support "the liberal agenda" (as Melissa's Mom calls it). There is even an emeritus General Authority, Elder Marlin K. Jensen, who spoke very lovingly about the gay Mormon community.

There are groups such as, Mormons Building Bridges, and Mormons for Marriage Equality that all support the legalization, and recognition of same-sex marriage. Mormons Building Bridges has marched in countless Pride parades this summer, I hope will continue to do so year after year. USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) is an unofficial group at BYU, that consists mostly of LGBT students, but has a significant group of "straight allies"... people who believe in us... believe that we are just the same as everyone else, and that we deserve the exact same rights as everyone else.

Thats why I voted in this election. I voted for equal rights. President Barack Obama, Jim Matheson, and Ben McAdams are my best shots at achieving equality. Defeating candidates like Richard Mourdock, and Todd Akin gave me my best shot at achieving equality. Defeating Mitt Romney gave me my best shot at equality. Reelecting President Obama, who signed the Lilly Ledbetter "Equal Pay for Equal Work" Act, repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", will give me my best chance at equality.

I can only hope that this country will begin to realize that my sexual orientation does not cause natural disasters. That it does not cause global warming. And that I will not tear down the sanctity of marriage, simply by getting married. I will not be hurting anyone.


"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - The Declaration of Independence

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: `We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.`" - Dr. Martin Luther King "I Have A Dream" speech

Maggie Mayhem

Some of you may know her from the movie "Whip It" (brilliant movie, if I do say so myself... And Ellen Page is HOT!) However, I know Maggie Mayhem, as my dog. She is also referred to as: The Beast, Dog Face, Bat Ears, Deer Legs, and "Bad Maggie". You can obviously see how horribly her name suits her.

This is Maggie: (I'm writing this on the iPhone app... Not sure if they're going to show up or not). She is a 2 year old Border Collie-Aradell (sp?) mix. She's hyper, sheds like a maniac, and is FAR too smart for her own damn good. Technically, she's Melissa's dog, she got her after her dad passed away 2 years ago. But we're practically an old married couple now, and I've decided to adopt her as my own. I question that decision everyday.

The stories are never ending... There's the one about where she eats underwear... Or the one where she likes to drink out of the tub. Or the time where she laid down in the middle of 700 East in Salt Lake City (an extremely busy street). And then the time where she insisted sleeping on our bed... So Melissa and I put her bed on top of ours. (See picture below). She also has severe separation anxiety, and follows us around like a shadow. And the endless barking. Then there was the time that Melissa gave her a hair cut in the bathtub. Then the day we came home from work, and she had escaped from the bedroom, into the kitchen. No clue as to how that was accomplished. Countless stories of car rides (Melissa has a short cab pickup... Yeah...). She tries to chase cars while on walks... But only certain ones. She practically refuses to eat dog food, but then looks at us when we're eating with this sad puppy dog face saying, "But guys! This isn't fair! You're starving me to death!" Melissa and I read her thoughts and narrate them. She has a southern hick accent, by the way... We think it suits her nicely. She has this silent bark thing... and she is quite talkative without actually barking. And last, but not least, is that she enjoys licking things... Particularly boobs.

We even made a list! A list of things that are NOT for puppies. (note: this list is compiled of things that she has already done, and has been told NOT to do, touch, get into, etc.)

The List:

Dr. Pepper
Slingshots
Fortune Cookies
Countertops
Shoes
Burritos
Raw Meat
Lotion
Hamburger Helper
Laundry Baskets
Plastic Bags
Barking
Chocolate
Barking
Toilet Water
Underwear
Pizza
Goldfish
Backgammon
Hot Dogs
Trash Cans
Posters
Ellen's Boobs
Ellen's Legs
Ellen's Food
Ellen's Bed
Ellen's Face
(List is added to almost everyday)

I only have 3 simple rules...
1. Don't lick Ellen's face.
2. Don't eat Ellen's food.
3. Don't sleep on Ellen's bed.

Do you see a trend?

I have hair everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I can't escape it! No matter what I try on. And when I pull clothes out of the dryer, half the lint catcher is filled with Maggie hair. It's taking over the house!! I pull hair out of my mouth multiple times a day. It's driving me insane.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Wow... She's a bitch. This dog can't really be that bad."

She is.

Have you ever seen "Marley & Me"? Cute movie. Absolutely love it. Maggie is like Marley. But worse. But Melissa and I are like Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson (Melissa is Jennifer... HOT). We really do love her. Like ought now... She's laying on the bed (my side... So I can't stretch out my legs...), and snoring. She's adorable. Not hyper, not jumping on me, not licking me face... She's being good. And honestly, on the mornings that Melissa goes to work early, and I'm still in bed, she's a great cuddler. :)

There ya have it folks! You've officially met my dog. Want to hear more? Let me know... I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.............

I'm really bad at this

I'm an awful blogger. I know that I am... I do really well for like, a week, and then I fall off the face of the blogger-verse. I know, and I will try better :) Especially now that I have people who actually read my blog... Weird...

So I did a pretty big thing today. I came out on Facebook. Honestly, people really shouldn't have been too shocked (unless they have buried their heads in the sand), because I post a lot of "Democratic propaganda" ;) But today was the first time I said it aloud (or typed... Whatever). High school classmates, college roommates, ex-boyfriends, and family... Now they all know. I feel a little bit bad about not telling my family personally, but my parents walked out of my life 2 years ago (taking my siblings with them) and never looked back... So for them, I really don't care. But I feel bad for my grandparents mostly. We still stay in fairly good contact, despite the 2000 miles and 2 hour time difference separating us. And if I had the option of walking down the street to tell them myself, I would have. And maybe I took the easy way out doing it this way... I don't know... Judge me if you must. But it's done and over with. Say la vie.

I had great reactions too... All until my Aunt Mary started arguing with me over the Affordable Care Act (I promise that didn't come out of nowhere... Read my last post, and you'll get it) But the fact that she was arguing over that, instead of the GAY ELEPHANT is a pretty big deal... Maybe she just ignored it, pretended I didn't say anything. But I'm counting it as a win until it isn't one anymore. Maybe for my next post, I'll post all the comments that my friends wrote. :) It truly made me feel loved.

On another note, Mitt Romney is having a rally in my hometown of Defiance, Ohio on Thursday. *BARF* All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not there to witness all of the bilge that comes out of his mouth. I think he's a great guy and all... And he's Mormon, so the Church is getting a ton of publicity, which is awesome for the missionaries. But yeah... Definitely not getting my vote. But it's cool... In the 2008 election, John McCain came to Defiance for a rally. Ohio's a big swing state, so the candidates swarm there. Utah is a concrete conservative red state... Republicans don't need any big rally's to sway votes here, and Democrats (unfortunately) don't have a shot, so they don't bother. And even though it sucks, it makes sense. Plus, Utah only carries 5 electoral points, so we get looked over anyway. Whatever... In 2 weeks, I'll be casting my "protest" vote. Haha

Ok... Rant over. I'm gonna cuddle op to my cute, snoring, girlfriend.

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?

I only need 5 things in life...

My roommate Jessica and I were in the kitchen tonight making cookies. It was nice to have some quality roommate time... since everything has felt so contentious lately. Anyways... out of the blue, she said (and I quote), "Ellen, I only need 5 things in life. Bread, butter, "Rocky", "Friends", and sex... with a husband of course." Those exact words came out of the mouth of my Molly Mormon, Returned Missionary, holier than thou, roommate. Hell has frozen over. And it made my day.
I only need 5 things in life too.
1. Snow (so I dont slide into a deep, deep, depression)
2. Chocolate (duh)
3. "Greys Anatomy" (duh)
4.  Fresh baked bread (yum)
5. Melissa (and all the benefits she brings along ;))
And there's my two cents.
"Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours." -Mr. Boring

Its the end of the world as we know it

Its been way too long since I've updated this bad boy... so here goes nothing I suppose...
The last 6 months have been long. Really long. Mostly has been good. But some things have just been interesting all around.
So... my job sucks. On an epic scale. Apparently its ok to cut hours from 30 to 15, suddenly and without any warning. So yeah. I need to find a new job before I kill people. Or wither away from starvation.
I fell in Love. Yep. I said it. I fell in love with the most amazing, beautiful girl in the world. Her name is Melissa, and she's amazing. She's LDS, and she served a mission in 2006-2007 (wow that makes me young... I was 16, and a junior in high school). I love that she is so spiritual... we talk about her mission, or the Gospel almost daily... its one of my favorite things about her. She's living in Utah County currently, but she's moving to SLC soon (more on that later). She has a dog named Maggie Mayhem, and she lives up to her name daily, and I've yet to meet the crazy beast :) I've fallen completely, head over heels in love with her. I can't explain it... the why and how... but it's there, and nothing has ever felt this good, and this right in my entire life. And we're going to move in together... we're looking for places as we speak. And I can't wait to hold my beautiful girl in my arms every night for the rest of forever.
I sang in a stake choir/orchestra group last month. We performed Rob Gardner's "Lamb of God". And it was absolutely amazing and inspiring. I gained a stronger testimony of the Saviour, and of His Atonement. It changed my life. And it has also (possibly) changed my major back to music. Yeah... I'm 3 semesters away from graduating, and now is the time that I have my epiphany. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Sigh.
I have nothing else to report... its 4:15, and I need to at least attempt to get some sleep tonight... insomnia sucks...