"Lord, I Would Follow Thee"

"Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee."

This is the second verse of Hymn 220 Lord, I Would Follow Thee from the LDS Hymn Book. We sang this hymn at the opening of my Teachings of President Thomas S. Monson Institute class last night, and after all the hell that has gone on in this class, Brother Butler has really redeemed himself.

The entire lesson was about how we are to be our brother's keeper; not picking out their flaws, and shortcomings, but loving them without judgement or scorn. We talked about President Monson's time serving as the Bishop of the 6th & 7th Ward, and his overwhelming generosity he expressed to his ward members. He gave love and service to his ward without a second thought.

Brother Butler then wrote on the whiteboard these 7 words: Vision, Patience, Balance, Effort, Understanding, Courtesy, and Love. He asked us to pick one of those words and search the Scriptures for references that meant something to us. I immediately turned to the Topical Guide to find something for Understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 popped out at me first, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." For the word Love, I immediately thought of Doctrine and Covenants 18:10, "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

People tend to believe that because someone's lifestyle or opinions don't match our own, we are right in our excuse to not understand them. And because we are excused from understanding them, we excuse ourselves from our duty to love them. We are wrong in doing so. Every soul is of worth in the sight of God! Lean not unto your own understanding about them, and go seek them out in compassion.

The final verse in the Hymn, "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" begins like this, "Savior, may I love my brother as I know thou lovest me," We are to lift the fallen, not to figure out if they deserve to be lifted. We are to heal the hurting, not to judge whether or not they are worthy of the healing. We are to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and to do so without hesitation nor pause. For inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of my brethren, ye have done it unto me. - Matthew 25:40

As I Have Loved You

I had one of the worst experiences of my time in the Church yesterday. I had taken a year of hiatus from Institute, and decided that I would take a class titled, "Teachings of Thomas S. Monson". When I walked into the class, there was a substitute teacher, Elder Peters – a Church service missionary – giving his introduction. He immediately started off with politics and controversy, and that's when everything started going downhill.

He started going on and on about how Mormons need to be the moral compass of the world. That we were so popular in the 1960s and 1970s, specifically with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And then the ERA came around, and the Church became the "bad guys". Then it was Prop 8, and now it's the Federal Court ruling about marriage. Just going on and on about how people that supported these measures, and those that affiliate with these people are sinning.

I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I was so uncomfortable and I had physically felt the Spirit leave the room. When he paused and asked if we had any comments, I raised my hand. I quoted President Monson from his closing statements of the April 2013 General Conference, "We are a worldwide Church, brothers and sisters. Our membership is found across the globe. I admonish you to be good citizens of the nations in which you live and good neighbors in your communities, reaching out to those of other faiths as well as to our own. May we be tolerant of, as well as kind and loving to, those who do not share our beliefs and our standards. The Savior brought to this earth a message of love and goodwill to all men and women. May we ever follow His example."

I went on to explain that his comments are especially painful because he is speaking ill of people who are sitting in this room. Me. I'm gay. I know I'm gay because I've had personal revelation from our Heavenly Father – personal revelation that our Church values so highly. I have been to the brink of suicide and self hatred. I said that we need to be compassionate and loving like Elder Cook calls us to be. We need to acknowledge that every one's personal experiences are valid, like Elder Christofferson tells us. We need to be tolerant of other people's political opinions like President Monson told us in an interview with the Deseret News in 2008, "Regarding another question about whether church members could disagree with the faith's opposition to legalizing same-sex unions and still remain in good standing, he said the answer 'depends on what the disagreement is... If it's an apostasy situation, that would not be appropriate. If it's something political, there is room for opinion here and there on either side.'"

He blew his top. He rose his voice, and said, "There is no such thing as homosexuality and so called same sex attraction! It did not exist in the premortal existence! It does not exist in the post mortal existence! And it does not exist here! You are choosing to sin. You are choosing to be inferior."

I walked out in tears. No one stood up to support me. No one even looked at me. They just stared straight ahead. As I walked down the hallway, and found a seat to calm down in, I opened my Scriptures to John 13:34. It reads, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

As I have loved you.

Do you have any idea how powerful that is?? Christ loved us so much that He defended us from Lucifer's disastrous plan of forced obedience. He loved us so much that He came and fulfilled the Law in order to bring a new and everlasting covenant, where we are forgiven of our sins. He lived us so much that he bore the weight of the world and suffered the price of our sins. He shouldered the weight of our guilt, pain, sorrow, and suffering. A weight so large and so traumatic that He showed a rare moment of mortal hesitation and plead with His Father, Our God, to "take this bitter cup" from Him. And yet, He pressed on bearing the weight that would cause His blood to run from every pore.

He completed His Atonement, and guaranteed that you and I will never be left comfort less. He has secured us a place. He allows us to return to celestial glory to live with Him, and our Heavenly Parents again.

We need the Atonement, because we aren't perfect. We abuse our fellow men at worst, and tolerate them at best. John is telling us to love others, and to look at those people that we despise, abuse, and tolerate through the eye's of Christ, and to see them as sisters and brothers of Christ.

I had never looked at it that way. I despise this teacher because of how uninformed, and hurtful he was. I despised my classmates for their indifference. I despise Governor Herbert for his decision to nullify over 1300 marriages because he has a "moral opposition". But I need to look at it in a completely different way.

The next time I see Elder Peters, I need to look at him as my brother in Christ, and know that he is a product of his generation.

Next week, when I walk into class, and I see my classmates again, I need to look at them with compassion, and remember how hard it is to speak up on a tough situation. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be.

This week, when I support my LGBT Brothers and Sisters who have had their marriages annulled and fight and pray for their civil rights to be reinstated, I will look to Governor Herbert and see him as a son of God. A son of God who is doing what he believes to be right. I will look at him with love, even though I strongly disagree with his political and civil decisions.

Will I yet go away from Institute? Not yet. I've contacted the Institute office to let them know about the events that transpired, and I will be going into class early next Tuesday to discuss what happened with our assigned instructor, Brother Butler. I will give it another chance. Because the only Apostle that I love more than President Monson is President Uchtdorf, and I will not shy away from learning how to be a better person from the teachings of this great man.

I Am Free At Last - Marriage Equality For Utah

It happened. I honestly didn't think that this would happen while I was still in my twenties, or even in my thirties... and I certainly never expected it to be within the year that DOMA was struck down.  But after years of fighting and getting ourselves out there... showing that we are normal members of society and that we have the same capacity to love and cherish a spouse and raise beautiful children, Utahns have gained the right to get married in the state that we love. Judge Robert J. Shelby, District Judge for the United States District Court for the District of Utah wrote in his 53 page decision, "The state’s current laws deny its gay and lesbian citizens their fundamental right to marry and, in so doing, demean the dignity of these same-sex couples for no rational reason. Accordingly, the court finds that these laws are unconstitutional."

Couples are lined up at city hall in Salt Lake County, Davis County, and Cache County. Seth
Anderson and his husband Michael Ferguson were the first couple to be married, and in early reports it looks like over 200 liscences have been issued. Salt Lake City Mayer Ralph Becker has announced that he will stay all night if nessessary to perform marriage ceremonies.

Seth and Michael

 

Mayer Ralph Becker

 

I am so proud of my city!! I am proud to be a citizen of this great state.

The state of Utah has already filed an appeal from the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals, and filed for an immediate stay of the ruling. As far as I'm able to see... a stay has not yet been granted, but we'll see if one comes through tomorrow morning. While it's disapointing, it was certainly expected. I hope and pray that the pathetic reasons that are being argued in support of discrimination, will be swept aside. And if they do stand, I hope they refuse to issue marriage liscences to couples who are no longer of child bearing age, and refuse to allow couples to have children, when they won't follow "responsible procreation" or be raised in "optimal child rearing enviornments".

When I heard the news, I was sitting at my desk at work, and immediately after I read the message from a friend alerting me of the news, I started crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks, and a huge smile spread across my face. I'm sure I looked like a fool. But it was one of the most monumental moments of my life.

The Church has also made a statement after the announcement, "The Church has been consistent in it's supporter of traditional marriage while teaching that all people should be treated with respect. This ruling by a district court will work its way through the judicial process. We continue to believe that voters in Utah did the right thing by providing clear direction in the state constitution that marriage should be between a man and a woman and we are hopeful that this view will be validated by a higher court"

 

 

One day I hope that the Church I love so much will one day recognize the words of our Savior, quoted from John, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." It is also my hope that the leadership reads the declaration given by Joseph Smith on August 17, 1835 in the 134th section of the Doctrine and Covenants. Verse 4 reads, "We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others..." Verse 9 reads, "We do not believe it just to mingle religious influence with civil government..." We are a Church that has faced discrimination in the past, with a extermination order issused against us. We know, more than many religious and civil groups, the bitter sting of discrimination under the law.

Today, I am recognized as normal. I will be able to call my (one day) wife, my wife! I won't have to call her my "partner". Partner has always felt cold, distant, and not real. Now I can say I'm "married" without it being a lie. I'll be married rather than being eternally engaged to my girlfriend. I am now protected by law... laws without any pretty exceptions that they have to put in there so that people cannot deny me a home, or employment solely based on my sexuality.

I am free. No one can cage me now.

Nostalgia

The best gift you can give a loved one is by far, the gift of a pleasant memory. 

I made my roommate go check the mail today... I was exhausted, and in bed, and I didn't want to move. When she came in, she handed me the gas bill, but she also handed me a package.  On the box, I recognized the handwriting for my Grandpa Romary's, and immediately a smile came onto my face. The last time I saw my Grandparents was on Spring break in 2007, and since then I treasure the phone calls and letters I receive. 

I brought the package inside, and when I opened the package, I pulled out the card my Grandma had enclosed. Tears streamed down my face as I read her words. She reminisced about us grand kids eating "poofies" (multi colored mini marshmallows) out of plastic cool whip containers and drinking chocolate milk out of Tom and Jerry jam jars. I remember those trips to Gram's house fondly. Enclosed in the package was a bag of those beloved poofies. I laughed out loud because it was so perfect, and unexpected. But as I kept sifting through the newspaper, to my surprise, there was a Tom and Jerry jar too. It touched me so deeply that she had sent such a special token of my childhood. It is so powerful that even now, the tears are welling in my eyes.

But perhaps more powerful, is the second gift she enclosed. Sitting inside the Tom and Jerry jar were two bells. They were given to her, by her father, on her wedding day in the early 60s. I don't remember my Great Grandpa Rainey. He died in 1994 when I was only four years old, and the only memory I have of him is a photograph that hung in my Grandparents' house. These bells had hung in her kitchen for as long as I can remember... I never knew their story, nor their significance. But she gave them to me, and no other gift can be given that is more precious to me than this.

"Regular" Christmas gifts are great... don't get me wrong. Last year, and the year before they were sets of beautiful winter hats, gloves and scarves. I love them, and I wear them often. This year it was a beautiful watch... One that I cannot bring myself to change from Central Standard Time in Fort Wayne, Indiana to Mountain Standard Time for Salt Lake.

But those poofies, bells, and the timeless Tom and Jerry jar out weigh them all. They always will. They put their unconditional love for me over their disappointment of my past actions and words. They put their love for me over the expectation to shut me out like my parents and siblings. Today they chose to see me as God sees me, rather than as my mother and father see me.

This year, Gram and Gramps sent me the gift of love. The gift of tender care and mercy. They emulated Christ. They followed His commandment to "love one another as I have loved you." By showing me Christ like love, they truly put Christ back into Christmas.

Thank you Gram... I love you.

Denigrate The Body to Elevate The Spirit

I've come up with an idea. It originated with the ideas and beliefs of Joseph Smith regarding spiritual embodiment, but I've started to expound on it, and put it into a context that's not only applicable to me but to anyone who is gay, or an ally. Instead of denigrating the things of the body in order to elevate the things of the spirit, Joseph Smith always argued that it was the successful incorporation of both, that culminated a fullness of joy.

That's the theory. As a gay Mormon, one who obviously believes that there is room in the Church, and it's doctrine for gay members to be completely equal and have all of the same privileges and rights as their heterosexual brothers and sisters, I use this theory in that context.

Most people know that the Church's official doctrine and counsel for gay members of the Church is to be celibate. Simply being gay, (or Same-Gender Attracted, as the Church prefers to say) is not a sin. But acting upon the feelings, is. If you remain celibate and not give in to the "sin" of homosexuality, you will blessed, and will be resurrected in the last day.

My argument, is that the Church can fully embrace LGBT members... letting them be married (including temple marriage), and raise a family, and participate fully in the Church, just as their heterosexual counterparts do.

Devout Mormon's who are straight more often than not, will get married in an LDS temple, to achieve a celestial marriage... meaning that there is no "til death do us part", but that your marriage will continue into the eternities. It is considered an essential ordinance (similar to a Catholic Sacrament) in our journey to become like God. For LGBT Mormons, most cannot honestly enter into a heterosexual marriage, therefore they do not receive those ordinances in the Gospel.

Single heterosexual members of the Church will always have hope that tomorrow they will meet the man/woman of their dreams and they'll get married, and be able to express those physical feelings of love for their spouse. While they are still unmarried and dating, you can still hold hands and kiss... cuddle etc. but you cannot have sex. That principle applies to all single, unmarried Mormons, regardless of sexual orientation. But the straight members still have hope. If you decide to stay single and celibate, for whatever reason, you aren't "punished", there's no official Church doctrine that penalizes you. But in Mormon culture it's considered a little odd, because you have the access to the ordinance, but you don't use it. Marriage is everything in this Church... and the slightest hiccup in the process to Celestial Glory draws stares. And it's not always pretty.

Gay members? None of that. If you are committed to living celibacy, you do not have the hope of meeting your soul mate, because you have to deny yourself from looking and feeling. You cannot hold hands. You cannot kiss. You cannot have any sort of an emotional relationship. You are completely alone. And as a result, you do not receive all of the ordinances in the temple. And God forbid, if you do engage in the things of the body with someone of the same sex, you will have committed a mortal sin... one that's said to be next to murder. And that while you can "repent" of your sins, you will have on your membership records, an annotation... that says that you have engaged in homosexual behavior, and that annotation can only be erased by the First Presidency of the Church, and such action is rare. (Oh, and heterosexuals who participate in pre-marital sex, have no such annotation is permanently connected to their records.)

So I'm arguing, that you cannot say that some people are permitted to engage in the things of the body and that some are forbidden. You cannot say that the group who is permitted will be exulted, while saying that the group of people who is forbidden, will be exulted (assuming that they did indeed refrain from engaging). You cannot say that because the group who is forbidden, but engaged anyway, will be punished, and that the group who is permitted, but didn't, will be exulted, but less than those who did. It's not only a double standard, but I believe that it violates human compassion. And I believe that LDS Doctrine will one day permit the LGBT community to be fully active in the Church... despite it's current claim that it cannot.

My Grounding, My Anchor

I hate Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong... I love the Turkey, and the Cranberry sauce, and I might even like seeing my family for the holiday, if I was ever invited. I hate Thanksgiving because it means that I need to be grateful for something. And I'm not good at it. It's not that I'm just not good at recognizing it, or that I'm too lazy to think of something to post on Facebook like the rest of the world (which I really hate). I honestly am not good at having gratitude. 

And yes... I'm aware that this makes me sound arrogant and self centered. I've been told this on multiple occasions.

Last week, I went to Temple Square. I had some time to kill after work, and I needed a little dose of spiritual enlightenment. In the North Visitors Center, there are presentations from the Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon, and from Modern Day Prophets. I was watching a presentation with video clips from October 2012 General Conference, and President Monson's message was to count your blessings. When you count your blessings, most normal people will start to be thankful for them. I wrote in my journal that night, counting my blessings... And while I didn't get too far, I made a little progress. Better than nothing right?

A few days later, I asked for a blessing from my good friend Jonathon. He and his cousin Garret came over and they gave me an amazing blessing. But honestly, the blessing isn't what stood out. Garret just returned from a mission to Turkey (he helped open the mission... How cool is that?!). Turkey is a nation where the population is overwhelmingly Muslim. And while Islam believes that Christ lived, they do not believe Him to be the Son of God, but just another prophet. So he testified of Christ. Day in and day out, for his entire mission. That was his message. And while we were talking, they both testified of Christ and His infinite Atonement, and His unconditional love for us. They testified of how He should be my grounding in life when everything feels like its in free fall. He needs to be my anchor; the rock I cling to.

What does it mean to live a Christ centered life? Honestly? What does it mean? You hear it all the time in our meetings on Sunday, and you hear it in General Conference, but what does it really mean? How do we live like Christ? 

To start out, you might want to invest in some Birkenstocks, because they look like Jesus sandals...

(Ok, fine... bad joke. My funny bone must be broken...)

How do you live like Christ? LOVE!!! Love thy God with all thy heart, and love thy neighbor as thyself! Feed the hungry. Give rest to the weary, and tend to the sick. Clothe the naked, and give comfort the broken hearted. Love others as He would love. That is how you live like Christ. 

Christ is my grounding. He was crucified for my sins. He knows me better than anyone. He feels my pain and my anguish. He knows the desires of my heart. He doesn't love me in spite of my shortcomings; He loves me because of my shortcomings. He loves me more than anyone in my life ever has or ever will. He will pick me up when I stumble; He will not let me fall. He will not forget me; He will not leave me behind. He will not leave me in despair; He will not leave me comfort less.

And neither will He forget you.

One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind

Today the Supreme Court of the United States struck down key parts of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), and dismissed an appeal over California's Proposition 8, paving the way for same-sex marriage to resume. We took a major step in the right direction as a nation to stop morally based discrimination in our nation's laws.

Some people in this country oppose same-sex marriage based on a religiously influenced moral compass. (Or you just think it's "icky"). And that's OK. No one has to agree with everyone about people's personal moral opinions. When DOMA was argued in the U.S. House of Representatives in 1996, the purpose of the law was to express "both moral disapproval of homosexuality, and a moral conviction that heterosexuality better comports with traditional (especially Judeo-Christian) morality." The stated purpose of the law was to promote an "interest in protecting the traditional moral teachings reflected in heterosexual-only marriage laws." Were there any doubt of this far-reaching purpose, the title of the Act confirms it: The Defense of Marriage.

But I truly believe that the opinion of the Court is absolutely correct in saying that the Court can not uphold laws that are discriminatory based on a Judeo-Christian morality. While the vast majority of this nation is Christian (as am I), we must make clear that religiously/morally motivated laws that discriminate against people in this great nation, is not OK.

If you don't want to have a gay marriage, you don't have to have one. If you want to believe that "God Hates Fags", fine... you're protected by your First Amendment rights of Freedom of Religion and Freedom of Speech. But allow me my Fourteenth Amendment right of equal protection under the law.

This is what I posted on Facebook this afternoon, upon hearing about the SCOTUS decisions, and educating myself on them (no one likes to look like an idiot because they were uninformed about something). In the last 4 hours, I've been called subversive, an apostate, and have been told that I should leave the Church since, I obviously have no intentions of repenting of my sinful nature and behavior.

Just to name a few.

Sometimes it really sucks to be Mormon and gay. And a feminist. And an intellectual. And gay in general. Our Constitution has liberated the slaves, empowered women by granting them the right to vote. Its now protecting another minority group from suppression. All over my Facebook feed are conservative rants about how the Second Coming is at our doorstep... and that God will come to judge America with fire and brimstone for her sins. Some people even asserting that the Justices are just plain wrong.

Since, of course, these friends of mine are experts on Constitutional Law like the Justices are...

The 12th Article of Faith says that as members of Christ's Church, we sustain the law of the land. The 9th Article of Faith says that we believe that God has yet to reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. Doctrine and Covenants 134:4 says that men are entitled to the practice of their religious opinions, so long as their opinions do not infringe upon the rights of others (and the other way around). Doctrine and Covenants 134:9 says that the Church does not believe it to be right to mingle religious influence with civil government.

But the members (and leadership) seem to have forgotten this.

Let me reemphasize that I am a believing member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love the Gospel. I love my Heavenly Father, and I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I am asking anyone who reads this, to take very seriously the words of our Savior: Love one another.

There's something missing...

My life is damn near perfect... I love my beautiful girl, I love that we're moving in together, I love her dog, I love her family, her family loves me. I love my friends, I love my major, I love my passions... I love EVERYTHING!!!!!
But there is something missing...
And its the Church. I still attend my meetings... I still read and study the Scriptures... I even received my patriarchal blessing a few days ago, and holy crap it was unbelievable. I still consider myself an active member of the Church. But because I am choosing to love... choosing to follow my love and passion for this beautiful woman, I can never attend the temple, or partake of the Sacrament worthily again (unless a drastic change in doctrine, and procedure happens in the Church sometime in the near future). And that tears me up inside... every time I think about it, I feel like I just swallowed a bottle of battery acid. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ more than anything else in the world. I can honestly say that I do. Someone once asked me if I would deny the truth if it came to life or death... and I would rather die, than to deny the truth of this Gospel.
But I can't give up the one true love of my life. I can't do it. I can't break her heart and mine. I can't live my life, alone, as the primary president. I cannot go to bed every night and cuddle up to a Teddy bear. I cannot be alone.
And I cannot marry a man. I would never be able to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be able to show the example to our children of what a loving married relationship would look like. It would be fraudulent. It would be a lie. I would never be at ease in his arms. I would never be able to kiss him fully without being a little grossed out. Would that marriage get me to exultation? Yep. But I would he miserable, and hollow until that gracious day that the Lord would take me from this earth. And that's no way to live. After all... President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
So what do I do? I love Melissa, and I cannot break up with her, and I won't. But as much as I will always have the Gospel in my life in a personal way, it is incomplete without the blessings of the temple, and of an eternal marriage. How in God's glorious name am I supposed to find true happiness in this life, if it doesn't include the Gospel? What do I do? Where do I go from here?

I only need 5 things in life...

My roommate Jessica and I were in the kitchen tonight making cookies. It was nice to have some quality roommate time... since everything has felt so contentious lately. Anyways... out of the blue, she said (and I quote), "Ellen, I only need 5 things in life. Bread, butter, "Rocky", "Friends", and sex... with a husband of course." Those exact words came out of the mouth of my Molly Mormon, Returned Missionary, holier than thou, roommate. Hell has frozen over. And it made my day.
I only need 5 things in life too.
1. Snow (so I dont slide into a deep, deep, depression)
2. Chocolate (duh)
3. "Greys Anatomy" (duh)
4.  Fresh baked bread (yum)
5. Melissa (and all the benefits she brings along ;))
And there's my two cents.
"Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours." -Mr. Boring

Emotional Rollercoaster...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day... just emotional and crazy. I've been in my head all day, and just can't find a way to make my life work in every way that I want it to. There were good parts and bad parts... I got my tax return, and I hung out and ate pizza with a bunch of my awesome gay friends, and FINALLY got to meet Erikka (I'm still debating if she likes me or not... or if she thinks I'm a total nutcase). Those are good things. Very good things.

I'm still really struggling with this whole being lesbian thing... I wish that things were different. I wish that I could just be a "normal" Mormon. I want to live in full fellowship of the Church. I pray constantly, asking Heavenly Father to take this away from me. To really make this easier, to make it bearable, and to allow me to find one man... just one man, that I can find handsome and attractive, so I could marry him. I pray every single night. I swear my knees have callouses from hours of kneeling on the carpet in my room. Sometimes I wonder if He listens to me. He's got 7 billion people in this world to keep an eye on, and to listen to... how does He possibly find enough time to listen to me say the same exact thing, over and over. Because I just keep telling Him... "I don't want to be lesbian. I want to be straight. Make me straight."

I know that I'll never be able to live my life alone. I won't be able to live a happy life knowing that I'll never be able to show affection for another woman. I know myself well enough to know that. And its hard for me to accept that I am a member of a church that is so outspoken against equality in marriage. Because the Church, and its faithful members try to make the gay and lesbian population of the Church feel welcome and loved, and emphasize the Church's stance about homosexuality, "that having homosexual feelings is not against  Church policy, and teachings, and you can still be in full fellowship of the Church." They also like to stress the "Single members of the Church, regardless of sexual orientation, are expected to abide by the Law of Chastity."  

But that's flawed... and honestly, it's not entirely accurate. The single, straight members of the Church are allowed to date, kiss, hug, hold hands, and eventually propose, get married, and then go and fulfill the scripture: "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." -Gen. 9:1

Gay members of the Church are expected to live by much stricter sanctions. MUCH stricter... Its like the Gospel on steroids or something. We are not allowed to date... even the desire to date, is forbidden. Any sort of physical or emotional affection or intimacy towards another person of the same sex, is strictly forbidden. I'll never be able to find someone to love, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am expected to live the rest of my life in utter loneliness. That is an awful thing to subject a person to. Love is a basic human emotion. Love, passion, companionship... these are all things that people need on a basic level... and for a church (or government for that matter... but that's a separate soap-box) to have gay people believe that it is immoral, and wrong to feel those emotions, is wrong. To have them believe that the only way for them to be truly happy, is to be celibate, and alone. I cannot believe that to be true. 

Do you see my dilemma here? I'm lesbian, but I love the Church. I want to stay in the Church. Its made me a better person, and it will always be a part of my life. But I just don't know how to reconcile it all. I can't have both... choosing the Church, and only the Church, won't make me truly happy. But choosing to go out and find the woman of my dreams, and leaving the Church behind, won't make me truly happy either.

Why can't life be easy??

First USGA Meeting

I went to my first UGSA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting today down at BYU. Its a group of a bunch of BYU students who are gay/lesbian/bisexual, to have a safe place to be able to work through it, and to be able to network, and meet people like them. There is a mix of people who are devout Mormons who abide by the Law of Chastity, and people who are questioning if they want to or not, or are trying to make a hybrid of being Mormon, and being gay with a partner, to people who have left the Church entirely. I was afraid that it was going to be a bunch of super Mormons that are all gun-ho about being celibate, blah blah blah. And I met a lot of girls (a lot of cute girls lol) that still love the Church, and will continue to love it, but are choosing to be happy, and want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and spend the rest of their lives with them. And that is exactly what I am looking for in a girl. To a "T". 

Well... that was awesome... I guess

Well... the last 2 months have been hell... with little bits of heaven here and there. I had a beautiful girlfriend... a girl that I loved and adored with everything that I had. A girl who made my world, and made me infinitely happy. And then I went and screwed it all to hell. Its all my fault, and I accept that she doesn't love me anymore... because honestly, I don't deserve it. I hope the best for her, and I hope that she will be so happy with her life. I hope that she will be successful, and that she will have a wonderful life. Because I still love her, and I want the best for her. But that's not my job anymore. I have to learn to let go. I have to fall out of love. And that's going to be an interesting journey.

I came out to my roommates Michelle, and Jessica tonight. It went ok... they don't hate me, and they don't think I'm a sick, twisted person. But they went all "missionary" on me... telling me that I have to live by the commandments, and the law of chastity. They said that without the Gospel, I'll never truly be happy... to not surrender to the "natural man". They kept saying that if I live worthily, that the Lord will bless me, and that I will be happy. 

I understand that they have absolutely no idea how this is... to be gay, and know that you can't be in good standing with the Church, and be married to the person that you love. They do not understand. But they were trying, and that means something. But they are telling me that they will not accept it if I decide to leave the Church and be happy in this life (because I won't be living the Gospel standards). And that kills me. Because I love the Church. I love the Church more than I could ever express. But I am not straight. And can't live my life alone... with no one to love, and no one to spend the rest of my life with. I can't live my life not being allowed to show any kind of affection to another woman. People in this Church think that its fair that homosexuals in the Church have to abide by the Law of Chastity, just like their straight counterparts. But its not. We can't go out, and date, and find someone that we love like they can. We can't kiss, and hold hands, and tell each other that we love them. We are bound by the Law of Chastity for the rest of our lives. We aren't Catholic priests or nuns! We don't want to live in a convent or seminary for the rest of our lives! We are people! Who have passions, and emotions... we love! I just don't know how to live with that stipulation over my head. I don't know how to live like a second-class citizen in this Church, and in this country. :(

I just wish life were easy... that being gay wasn't condemned... wasn't considered to be wrong. I wish that I could love just like everyone else. I wish it was ok in everyone else's eyes, to just be me...

First post in a long while

Jamie told me that I'm long overdue for a post. She's definitely right. :)

Quite a bit has happened in the last little while. Lots of good things, and plenty of bad. All in all, I think it all worked out for the best.

Today, however, I'm feeling bright and shiny... so I'm going to focus on the good. ;)

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing girl. Her name is Jamie, and she is everything I have ever wanted. She gets me, and she respects me. She is unique, and funny. She has passions, and she genuinely cares about everyone she meets. She is smart and thoughtful, and she puts other people's needs in front of her own. She is the 6th sister out of 7 sisters... all born in a row. And she has a little brother born right at the end. Her family is wonderful. They are LDS, and she still respects the Church... she just can't find where she fits in the Church, while still being gay, and knowing that she can't change it. She respects that I am still active in the Church, and that I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and where I fit in this world, and within this Church. She respects it, and we frequently talk about our feelings about it.

She is wonderful... and I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her in my life right now. She is a positive influence in my life. She brings out what is good in me, and she pushes me to be a better person, to be a better me.

She has her scars, and she has her baggage. But we all do. And I have more baggage and more scars than anyone else I have ever met. And we get through it. We get through the everyday struggles that girlfriends have. We have our share of arguments, and we have our share of hurt feelings. But in the end, we make up. We look at each other and see that being "right" wasn't what was important... its her. She is what's important. Us. Our relationship, and the love we have for each other. That is what's important.

And to anyone who actually reads this blog... and honestly, I highly doubt anyone does... but if you do (and especially if you know me), I am coming out right now... not coming out and saying that I'm gay, because I'm not. I still love men. And I love them a lot. So I'm not gay, and I might be bi... I really dont know yet... but what I do know, is that I love Jamie Merrill. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I'm dating a girl. So what? She's beautiful, and she certainly smells better than a sweaty, smelly guy. And her face doesn't scratch me when I kiss her. She dresses better than a guy, and she'll rock out to Taylor Swift with me anytime I want. And we can share clothes. 5 very good reasons to date women... just throwing that out there. ;)

In other news... the skiing sucks this winter... and that's just downright depressing....

Today has just been one of those days...

I'm gonna vent for just a few seconds, if that's alright.... here we go.... 

I got my scooter fixed this week. They had f***ed it up 3 times before, but they "swore" they got it right this time. Well... the damn thing wasn't fixed. Again. Naturally I realize this 15 minutes before I have to be at work. So, I have to take TRAX to work, and am therefore, an hour late. Wonderful. I really can't afford to screw up with work, because I'm still the new girl, and I don't have any slack room. While at work, I'm just kinda down... my knee kills, I get chewed out by a customer for "stalking" him... pretty sure the guy was nuts. But whatever crazy dude... I didn't want to help you find a bike lock for your POS bike anyway. You won't need it anyway, no one is going to want to steal that piece of shiz! Get off work, and couldn't get to my friend Mikey's wedding reception, because I have no car. So I just take TRAX home. Both buses are late, and I end up accidentally taking the wrong line, so I walk the rest of the way in the cold. Got off of work at 5. Got home at 8. Wonderful. Watched "Warren Miller's PlayGround" to get myself into a better mood. Didn't help... it just made my soul ache for winter. Zac calls. Wants to hang out. I don't want to. All I want is to be by myself. But I let him come over, because I've been a horrible girlfriend, and he hasn't seen me in like, a week. Tess and Andy come home, and announce that Keni is coming over for a movie. That was good. I haven't seen her in like FOREVER. And I order pizza. Yum. Zac gets here. We watched "Anger Management". Worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was awful. I cannot understand why people feel the need to put a disgusting sexual innuendo in every conversation. Me and Keni both thought it was the worst thing I had ever seen. So at least I wasn't alone in this. But through the whole movie, Zac was super cuddly, and PDA. We have been dating for like 2 weeks. Its the first time Andy, Tess, and Keni had ever met the guy, not to mention that I'm not big on the PDA thing anyways... even when I've dated a guy for months. So I'm pretty sure that he got annoyed with that one. The movie got over, and then everyone went home, and I went to bed, ultimately to get up and write this post. Yay.

Now to a happier note... I am starting to read the Wheel of Time series again. I finished Book 2: The Great Hunt, and now I am onto Book 3: The Dragon Reborn. I love these books. They are super legit! People keep talking about the books being made into movies. Its a pretty legit idea. I like the idea a lot. But the books are so detailed, and there are so many plot lines (there are 15 books to tie together all the plot lines for crying out loud! The author, Robert Jordan, had special editors for every main character, so he didn't mix stuff up!!) that they would have to cut out so much "fluff" to make the movie short enough to watch, that they would lose too much of it. Not to mention, that I have mental images of what all the characters should look like in my head, and it would be so hard for me to have to throw away the images in my head, for the faces, and voices that Hollywood gives me. Because they have a bad track record with me when it comes to ruining all my favorite book characters. :(

Back to Zac... I'm just not feeling it with him. We have a lot in common, but in all reality, we are nothing alike. We don't do the same things. We don't like the same movies. I don't even know how to describe most of it... but we are just not for each other.

And I feel bad for the kid because I'm not 100% into this. I'm still hung up on the last person that I dated. I miss him terribly, and I don't think that I will ever fully get over him... I believe that I will love someone similar to how much I loved him, but I don't think that I can ever love someone else, as I loved him. Every day, I long for his arms around me. Every day, I wish that I could bring him back. But I can't. He's gone, and I'll never get him back. He didn't want me. And he ran. It took a lot out of me, and it continues to. I know I need to let it go... it's in the past. But how can you let go of you're first love? How can you let go of your one, true love when you honestly, believe that he will be yours, and you will be his for the rest of your lives? You don't let go of them without a fight. You never let go.

What am I doing with my life? Why is it so hard for me to see what is good in my life, and what is uncontrollable? 

Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.

I've been having some fun tonight, because I'm just out of my zone. I'm just out of everything. I'm drained all outta happy. So here is some happy that I found along the way.

This picture makes my whole life... because it's totally me. I'm a big time skier. I'm in love with my moped. And it's old school. And I'm lovin' it. Someday I'll get my picture taken like this. And maybe someday I'll be as legit as she is!

This is something a friend put together for me a while ago. This is definitely me too. The actual picture isn't me, its Ellen Page, but it kinda looks like me, and it has my favorite colors in it. But its me, surrounded by my first love. Music. I play the piano... and I love it! I play the music, I write the music... I love the music. And she found all black and white pictures to surround the only one in color, me.

And then this is one that I made for me. It's my name, and then another picture of Ellen Page... and the quote from Juno, "I don't really know what kind of girl I am." That quote sums me up pretty darn well... Just makes me smile. :)

And here's a few happy things I saw today, and wrote down.

• "Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself."
• The world is changing at such a rapid rate that waiting to implement changes will leave you 2 steps behind."
• Friend's are more important than money."
• "The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness."
• "Do one thing a day that scares you."
• Drink fresh water and as much water as you can. Water flushes unwanted toxins from your body and keeps your brain sharp."
• "Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself."
• "Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment. Living in the moment could be the meaning of life."
• "Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to."
• "That which matters the most should never give way to that which matter the least."
• "Stress is related to 99% of all illness."
• "Dance, sing, floss, and travel."
• "The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time. Choose a positive one."
• "A daily hit of athletic-induced endorphins gives you the power to make better decisions, helps you be at peace with yourself, and offset stress."
• "Creativity is maximized when you're living in the moment."
• "Nature wants us to be mediocre because we have a greater chance to survive and reproduce. Mediocrity is as close to the bottom as it is to the top, and will give you a lousy life."
• "Visualize your eventual demise. It can have an amazing effect on how you live for the moment."

Just thought I would share those... because I like them a lot, and I think some other awesome people might like it too :)