Mornings

Mornings have a unique innocence. It's those serene moments in the dim grey light of the morning, where the dew is fresh on the grass, and the larks and mockingbirds have yet to sing. The dawn is yet to wake, and the world, for just a moment, is still asleep. I treasure these moments. In these moments lose myself as I feel her curl up beside me. I forget the last year. I forget all of the heartache and all of the pain. I forget that she doesn't love me.

I only remember the morning. I only remember her strong, soft arms pulling me into her embrace. The curvature of her body, and her head resting on my chest. In these moments I know no pain. I know no sorrow. In these brief moments, I am at peace.

________________

Then I wake up. And she's gone.

Drowning

How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?

Joke Was On Me All Along...

Truth's out... Melissa had an affair. Complete with saucy text messages about how much they love each other, and plenty of other things that make me want to be sick. The drives to "clear her head" while we were breaking up, turned out to be engineered to go out and see her. The "innocent" kiss at Pride turned out to be not-so-innocent (The Pride Festival and Parade happened before Melissa and I broke up... we didn't break up for 4 more days). And all along through the break up, when I asked her directly if she was seeing and/or kissing Megan, I consistently got "no" as an answer. Even after I confronted her with the evidence. But yet again... It was a lie disguised as her "not wanting to hurt me anymore than she already has". Have they had sex? She says not yet... But they're in Heber this weekend, and I'm sure it's happened by now...

I was surprisingly calm when I found everything out in the early hours of Thursday morning... But knowing that I was cheated on really puts a wrench into me being cool, calm, and collected.

What I can't understand is how Megan has one bit of compassion or a conscience. She knew that Melissa was in love with me. She knew that she was engaged. Engaged to be MARRIED! Yet, she still pursued her, flirted with her, and seduced her. How does someone have no conscience about going after a "married" woman? There were emails where Melissa says she feels bad for hurting me, and Megan's response is, "You aren't a horrible person." I'm sorry, but she broke off our engagement because she had an affair. With you. You both should feel terrible. I think that Melissa does... But I think Megan is simply polishing her trophy, and not giving a damn who she stepped on and hurt to get to it.

I finally understand why people blame themselves when they're partner/spouse cheats and has an affair. I keep thinking about where Melissa and I would be if she didn't work at L's (where she met Megan). Or if I could've done something better... 

It's one thing for people to get cold feet in their relationship, especially when it's getting serious. It's pretty healthy to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want in your life. And that was what she told me in the beginning. 

In the waning days of our relationship, I noticed Melissa pulling away from me. I thought that she might not be attracted to me anymore. Whenever I'd touch her, or kiss her forehead, she always reacted like she didn't want me to touch her. When I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I even asked her specifically, and she still said no... And she would say it in the most loving and affectionate way. But in reality, she was no longer attracted to me, and instead was attracted to that woman. Joke's on me. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and was completely oblivious to what was going on under my nose.

I feel so pathetic.

Where Do I Go From Here

With the recent deterioration of my engagement, my life has kind of hit neutral. I can't move backwards, and I can't move forward. I put all my eggs in one basket, because I honestly believed that we would be together forever. And now, I'm trapped in open water.

I don't know what to do. It's WAY too early for me to get back into the dating ring, and start thinking about another relationship. I can't take a break and get out of the city for a few days because I don't have any money. It's June, and there's no snow, so I can't just jump on the tram and lose myself in the mountains. I can't really do anything. I'm treading water.

And the one and only thing that I do want to do is play Halo and destroy everything. But my Xbox 360 has a major overheating problem, and nothing I've done to fix it has worked. And I've been trying to call places around town that repairs Xbox 360's, and not ONE has answered their phones in their declared business hours. And of all of them, only one had an answering machine, but I was unable to leave a message, because their voicemail was full. Which means they don't check it. I'm annoyed. And I swear the universe is out to get me. I just wanna shoot aliens... 

It's Been Swell

I met Melissa in May 2012. We started dating June 17, 2012, I told her that I loved her July 26th, and she asked me to marry her on November 4, 2012. June 10, 2013 she called it quits. I'm not going to pretend like I'm doing ok... Because I'm not. My heart is shattered and I feel like I'll never be happy again. (Where's my Patronus when I need it?) But here's to another door opening. Here's to living one day at a time.

We are still living together. Mostly we're too broke to afford to move out. And aside from being my girlfriend, she was my best friend. I don't want to cut her out  of my life. Because if I cut her out, then there's no one else left (My immediate family and I mutually evicted each other from our lives). 

But it's hard to not look at her like my girlfriend. I can't look at her with "roommate eyes" yet. I can't stop calling her "baby", "dear(est)", and "love"... Because we rarely used our first names in casual conversation with each other. It feels artificial, and fake. 

But it's not.

She's started flirting with (and possibly had started dating) a girl that she works with at Lowes... Megan. She's has had a crush on Melissa from the beginning. When they first started being friends, Melissa asked me if it was ok that they text, and hang out. Naturally, I said yes, because fully I trusted her. I told her that it was fine with me as long as the relationship stays appropriate. Joke's on me I guess.

I don't know who to reach out to... I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, because I caught the "married and boring" bug. I spent my free time with Melissa and few others. So it's going to be interesting.

Anyone in need of a sad, and pathetic friend?

It's gonna be rough going. It's going to suck. But, all in all, it'll be ok. It gets better, right?

I really need to get my feelings out about this...

I've been putting this post off... because I didn't want to accept that its all over, and that I'm never going to get her back. I have tried to be "ok", and get on with my life... but it's not working :(

Jamie and I broke up, and its all my fault. I broke her heart. I caused sleepless nights, and I caused so many tears. I told her that I would never hurt her... that I would never do anything to her that would make her cry. But I lied to her, so I deserve every horrible thing that happens to me. But I can't get over the guilt, and the shame, and the regret that I have. I ruined the most wonderful thing in my life... I broke the heart of the person that I love. And I deserved to have this heartbreak... and utter loneliness. I deserved her breaking up with me. I will never forgive myself for hurting her. I'll never forgive myself for losing her.

I've been so lonely... I can't sleep anymore... and when I do, its plagued with terrifying nightmares that have me waking up in a cold sweat and not knowing where I am. I'm used to the insomnia, and I'm used to the nightmares... they've been a part of my life for the last 6 years. But I'm not used to going through it all alone. I've been so lucky, and I've had Jamie to cuddle up, and she'd hold me in her arms, and let me know that I was safe, and ok. I'm used to her warm body next to me.  I'm used to her. I love her.

I miss her walking into my room early in the morning, after she gets off of her grave shift, and getting into bed with me. There's nothing like going to sleep alone, and waking up to the woman you love next to you. :) And she looks so beautiful when she sleeps. And her eyes! They are this green-gray color, and when she wears blue, they get this blue hue that just melts me. She tried to wink at me... she wasn't very good, but it was so cute, that I just smiled. She loves EVERYTHING Philadelphia... and I mean everything. Her love for Eagle's football, and Phillie's baseball, was amazing. I like the Phillie's, but I can't stand the Eagle's. But she loved them so much, that I started to dislike them less and less. Same with hip hop, and rap... she loves it, and I can't stand it. Now I listen to Gym Class Heroes all the time... because it makes me think of her. She was my girl. And she is still the woman that I love. 

I just can't get over how horrible of a person I am for this. Because not only did I lose the woman I love, but I hurt her. I broke her heart. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I feel, and how horrible of a person I know I am... I miss her so much... my heart still flutters when I see her tweets and Facebook posts come up in my feed... And when I get an email or a text, I swear my my heart stops. I'm still in love with her. And I've been trying for weeks to fall out of love with her... but I'm not falling gracefully... I'm trying to claw my way back up. I'm trying to get her back, but I know it won't happen. I started writing her letters a little more than 2 months ago... because we weren't speaking, and I was too scared to tell her the things that I needed to tell her. I'm on letter #35... pathetic, I know. But I can't stop writing them. Its like Noah in "The Notebook"... he wrote Allie 365 letters. One for each day. I'm not that awesome, I write about every other day or so... but I still write. I told her that she can have them if she wants them, and I still want her to have them. But I'm terrified about having to see her... because I would want to give them to her in person, and not leave them on her doorstep. Not to mention that I still have some things of hers that she deserves to have back. They still give me a little comfort though... I had some terrible nightmares last night, and when I woke up, I changed into her Phillies t-shirt, and got back into bed... For some weird reason it makes me feel just a little bit better. 

I am in love with her... I am so in love with her, and I want her back in my life so much... but I want her to be happy above everything else. And I know that having me as a part of her life doesn't make her happy. And that rips me apart every time I think about it, but she deserves every bit of happiness in this life. And I deserve to be alone.

Karma rocks.

My last letter...

I don't know what's happened in the last 6 months. You went from loving me to hating me in a matter of days. I've racked my brain trying to figure it out... but I don't know what it is. All I know is that you dropped me like a bag of rocks, and you never looked back. And I can't explain to you how difficult that is for me. 

Ever since that night you first kissed me, I have been hopelessly in love with you. HOPELESSLY. Even now, I think of you every night before I fall asleep. I don't even mean to do it. I roll over, cuddle up to my body pillow, and I pretend that its you. Tess saw me do it one night while I was half asleep. We think its funny now... but its true. I'm in love with you. I start crying out of the blue some days, just because I miss you. I'm sad because I miss you. You were the one I loved. I don't know that I'll ever love someone like I loved you. I'll be lucky to love someone half as much. 

It kills me to know that you hate me. It tears me apart when I read texts that tell me to stay away from you... to stay out of your life... unless I want to get the crap kicked out of me by you and your friends. It killed me to have to call the cops that night. But I was genuinely scared. For myself, but for Mande and Tyler too... because its anyone's common sense that if I'm going to be in Cedar City, I'm going to be with Mande and Tyler. I was scared that you were going to hurt me... not just emotionally, but physically this time...

I love you so much. So much that it hurts. And I wonder if you do too. I wonder if you're looking up at the same star as I am. Or watching the same TV show as I am... or reading the same book as I am. I wonder if you still love me. I don't think you do. Every time I read the texts... every hateful word. Every hurtful word. It rips me apart. And you can't see it. You have no idea. Right now... all I can do is cry. I hate myself for loving you so much. I HATE MYSELF! Do you understand this?? There has not been a day where the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The thought that my world is a lesser place without you in it. I've thought about driving down to Cedar and showing up on your door... knocking on every door til I find the right one. I've thought about every possible way to get you back. I'd do anything for you. Anything. I miss you, baby. I miss you so much. All I want in my life is you. 

But you won't ever see this. And you won't ever take me back. So this is my last letter to you. I love you. I really hope you can see that. I love you. I love you so much. Just don't hate me anymore. Please...

Another letter you'll never read.

I miss you. I want you're arms around me every moment of everyday. I can't stop thinking about you. It seems like every 5 minutes, there is something that reminds me of you. Hell... it seems like everything reminds me of you in one way or another. It's hell. It is absolute hell. And I'm still in love with you. How pathetic am I? It's sad ya know? Loving someone who doesn't love you back. Loving someone so much, that I can't fall asleep without thinking about you. Loving someone so deeply, that it took over a part of you... and now that part is missing... and you feel empty and cold inside. Its pathetic. 

Invisible

My life is up in the air right now... nothing is in stone. Nothing makes any sense, and I just want things to be easy. But they aren't. I love the people I can't have, and love the people who don't love me. I love, but never get loved back... I take things personally, and wear my heart on my sleeve, and that gets me in trouble. I try to be myself, but am judged upon it. I have one good friend. She drops me like a rusty can. I have another good friend, who dropped me like a rusty can, because of my sh*tty friendship with good friend #1. I don't have anyone in this world. I don't have any family. I don't have many friends. I live in a city 2000 miles from where I grew up... a city where I can blend in, and disappear. Which is a good thing. I want to disappear. Not like forever... but I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be noticed. I want to be invisible. Just for a day.

I miss you more and more everyday...

Hello again, dear...

I found my old phone today. It was packed away in some random box that I hadn't opened for months... I put it on my charger, and turned it on. I read through every message you and I sent back and forth. I looked at how often we called each other. I started to cry... it was obvious how much you loved me, and obvious how much I loved you. I was head-over-heels in love with you. So in love, that I would follow you to the gates of hell... and I did.

Where are you, love? Where can I find you? If I find you, would you take me back? Would you love me again. It kills me to think that you hate me. It kills me to not kiss you every morning, and every night. It kills me... I just want to love you. I want to love you and have you love me back. I'm not a perfect person, and I never will be... but you told me that you loved me for me. All of me. You loved the good and the bad. And I loved you through everything too. I loved you even with the parts of you that annoyed me... you're awful burping and all ;). I loved you even though you were a snowboarder, instead of a skier. I loved you even though you nagged me. I loved you, because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. Loving you showed me that love was possible. And you loving me, proved that I was worth loving. Something that I can't believe anymore...

I loved you with every fiber of my being... I'll do anything to get you back. Anything. Anything to be held safe, and warm in your arms again. Please... Please take me back. These last months have eaten away at me inside. I put on my happy face, but inside... inside all I feel is lonely. I only want one thing in this life... and its you. Please come back to me. Please...

Nights are too lonely...

These nights are so lonely... you aren't here, and I wake up from the nightmares, and searching for your arms around me holding me close, holding me safe. Every night, I imagine you next to me, and I fall asleep thinking about how much I loved you. About how much I still love you. I wish I could tell you... I wish you could come back... Everyday, I wish you would come back. Maybe I wasn't the best for you, and maybe you weren't the best for me... but you loved me. You loved me. You loved me for me. And I loved you more than anyone I have ever met. I love you so much. You completed me. And it's taken me a long time to realize this... and to accept it... but you completed me. And I honestly do not know if I will be able to love anyone like I loved you. There won't be another one like you. If you saw this, would you come back? If you saw this, and saw how much I still love you, would you come back to me? I love you, baby. I love you so so much. Come back to me... Please come back to me...

Can't sleep...

I have been lying here all night... staring at the ceiling, and all I can think about is you. How much I miss you, and how much I wish I still had you around. I wish I could still put my arms around you, kiss your cheek, and ask you about your day. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I wish your arms were around me, holding me close... safe. But you aren't here anymore. You walked away, and you didn't want me anymore. You didn't want me. But I always wanted you. I still want you. Come back.

Anniversary Time

Its been a year. I love you. I miss you. Come back.

Today has just been one of those days...

I'm gonna vent for just a few seconds, if that's alright.... here we go.... 

I got my scooter fixed this week. They had f***ed it up 3 times before, but they "swore" they got it right this time. Well... the damn thing wasn't fixed. Again. Naturally I realize this 15 minutes before I have to be at work. So, I have to take TRAX to work, and am therefore, an hour late. Wonderful. I really can't afford to screw up with work, because I'm still the new girl, and I don't have any slack room. While at work, I'm just kinda down... my knee kills, I get chewed out by a customer for "stalking" him... pretty sure the guy was nuts. But whatever crazy dude... I didn't want to help you find a bike lock for your POS bike anyway. You won't need it anyway, no one is going to want to steal that piece of shiz! Get off work, and couldn't get to my friend Mikey's wedding reception, because I have no car. So I just take TRAX home. Both buses are late, and I end up accidentally taking the wrong line, so I walk the rest of the way in the cold. Got off of work at 5. Got home at 8. Wonderful. Watched "Warren Miller's PlayGround" to get myself into a better mood. Didn't help... it just made my soul ache for winter. Zac calls. Wants to hang out. I don't want to. All I want is to be by myself. But I let him come over, because I've been a horrible girlfriend, and he hasn't seen me in like, a week. Tess and Andy come home, and announce that Keni is coming over for a movie. That was good. I haven't seen her in like FOREVER. And I order pizza. Yum. Zac gets here. We watched "Anger Management". Worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It was awful. I cannot understand why people feel the need to put a disgusting sexual innuendo in every conversation. Me and Keni both thought it was the worst thing I had ever seen. So at least I wasn't alone in this. But through the whole movie, Zac was super cuddly, and PDA. We have been dating for like 2 weeks. Its the first time Andy, Tess, and Keni had ever met the guy, not to mention that I'm not big on the PDA thing anyways... even when I've dated a guy for months. So I'm pretty sure that he got annoyed with that one. The movie got over, and then everyone went home, and I went to bed, ultimately to get up and write this post. Yay.

Now to a happier note... I am starting to read the Wheel of Time series again. I finished Book 2: The Great Hunt, and now I am onto Book 3: The Dragon Reborn. I love these books. They are super legit! People keep talking about the books being made into movies. Its a pretty legit idea. I like the idea a lot. But the books are so detailed, and there are so many plot lines (there are 15 books to tie together all the plot lines for crying out loud! The author, Robert Jordan, had special editors for every main character, so he didn't mix stuff up!!) that they would have to cut out so much "fluff" to make the movie short enough to watch, that they would lose too much of it. Not to mention, that I have mental images of what all the characters should look like in my head, and it would be so hard for me to have to throw away the images in my head, for the faces, and voices that Hollywood gives me. Because they have a bad track record with me when it comes to ruining all my favorite book characters. :(

Back to Zac... I'm just not feeling it with him. We have a lot in common, but in all reality, we are nothing alike. We don't do the same things. We don't like the same movies. I don't even know how to describe most of it... but we are just not for each other.

And I feel bad for the kid because I'm not 100% into this. I'm still hung up on the last person that I dated. I miss him terribly, and I don't think that I will ever fully get over him... I believe that I will love someone similar to how much I loved him, but I don't think that I can ever love someone else, as I loved him. Every day, I long for his arms around me. Every day, I wish that I could bring him back. But I can't. He's gone, and I'll never get him back. He didn't want me. And he ran. It took a lot out of me, and it continues to. I know I need to let it go... it's in the past. But how can you let go of you're first love? How can you let go of your one, true love when you honestly, believe that he will be yours, and you will be his for the rest of your lives? You don't let go of them without a fight. You never let go.

What am I doing with my life? Why is it so hard for me to see what is good in my life, and what is uncontrollable? 

Letter to you...

Everyday you have me thinking of you. I can't get you out of my head. You were everything I ever wanted in my life. I loved you. I still love you. I love you, even though you don't love me. I think about you everyday. I miss you everyday. Every night when I go to sleep, I wish I had your arms around me again. The body pillow I sleep with now, does you no justice. It doesn't have your warmth, or your kind words. It doesn't wrap its arms around me like you did. Everyday that I was with you, I felt like a super hero... like there was nothing that could hurt me, or bring me down. I miss being around you. I miss your smile, and the way you made me laugh. I miss the way you loved me. I miss seeing you everyday. I miss your kisses. I miss everything about you. I can't stop thinking about you, and how things could have been different. Would you come back if I asked you? I want you back so badly that it hurts. I love you. Come back to me. God I miss you.