Heavenly Mother, Are You Really There?

Last night I was in bed getting ready to say my prayers. My prayers are really more like conversations... talking to God about the concerns I have in my life. He knows me personally, and He made me unique from everyone else in the world. So I feel like I have the liberty to talk to Him personally.

So I laid down, and opened with "Heavenly Parents". I talked and put out my concerns, and asked for blessings... you know... all the normal stuff. Then quite abruptly, I realized that I was only addressing Heavenly Father. The only time that I had acknowledged Heavenly Mother was in the beginning.

This, unfortunately, isn't surprising to me. I'm sure that part of it comes from being raised in Catholicism's version of patriarchy, and being thrust into Mormonism's extreme patriarchal culture certainly didn't help. But the trigger is looking at the parallells in my relationships between my Heavenly Parents, and my mom and dad.

My relationship with my parents is non existant, and has been for several years now. But when I was still living at home, while still unstable and forced, was at least in existance. My dad was the "good cop"... he would talk to me in mild tones, and would (usually) listen to my side of the story, or my feelings on matters. When I needed to ask permission from someone, it was from Dad. I felt comfortable coming to him with tears in my eyes, and asking for a hug... and the answer was always yes, often with no questions asked.

Mom? Never. We never talked civilly. Her tones were sharp and condescending. I was uncomfortable and intimidated. She yelled at me, and I yelled back. I never felt safe to confide in her, and I rarely felt her love... and often, not even her tolerance.

(I do want to make clear that I was the worst teenager who had ever walked the face of the Earth, and I deserved to be treated this way. But still... this has stunted me.)

Heavenly Father loves me. I know He does. He listens to me when I'm worried, and even when I'm wrong. He corrects me, usually by gently pushing me in the right direction, but sometimes sharply when it's needed. But I always know that He loves me.

Heavenly Mother is very different... I do not feel her love. And instead of seeing Her, I see my mother.

This is devestating to me. I have one Divine Being to look to, to see what my eternal destiny is supposed to be... and I have no relationship with Her, and I have virtually no scriptural or scholarly examples to look to, and to study.The boys have Heavenly Father, and Christ, and we have thousands... millions of resources to look to, to see what they should aspire to be, and to work towards.

I don't know what my divine potential means as a female, and it makes me feel less important. The problem is... I don't know how to fix it...

As I Have Loved You

I had one of the worst experiences of my time in the Church yesterday. I had taken a year of hiatus from Institute, and decided that I would take a class titled, "Teachings of Thomas S. Monson". When I walked into the class, there was a substitute teacher, Elder Peters – a Church service missionary – giving his introduction. He immediately started off with politics and controversy, and that's when everything started going downhill.

He started going on and on about how Mormons need to be the moral compass of the world. That we were so popular in the 1960s and 1970s, specifically with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And then the ERA came around, and the Church became the "bad guys". Then it was Prop 8, and now it's the Federal Court ruling about marriage. Just going on and on about how people that supported these measures, and those that affiliate with these people are sinning.

I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I was so uncomfortable and I had physically felt the Spirit leave the room. When he paused and asked if we had any comments, I raised my hand. I quoted President Monson from his closing statements of the April 2013 General Conference, "We are a worldwide Church, brothers and sisters. Our membership is found across the globe. I admonish you to be good citizens of the nations in which you live and good neighbors in your communities, reaching out to those of other faiths as well as to our own. May we be tolerant of, as well as kind and loving to, those who do not share our beliefs and our standards. The Savior brought to this earth a message of love and goodwill to all men and women. May we ever follow His example."

I went on to explain that his comments are especially painful because he is speaking ill of people who are sitting in this room. Me. I'm gay. I know I'm gay because I've had personal revelation from our Heavenly Father – personal revelation that our Church values so highly. I have been to the brink of suicide and self hatred. I said that we need to be compassionate and loving like Elder Cook calls us to be. We need to acknowledge that every one's personal experiences are valid, like Elder Christofferson tells us. We need to be tolerant of other people's political opinions like President Monson told us in an interview with the Deseret News in 2008, "Regarding another question about whether church members could disagree with the faith's opposition to legalizing same-sex unions and still remain in good standing, he said the answer 'depends on what the disagreement is... If it's an apostasy situation, that would not be appropriate. If it's something political, there is room for opinion here and there on either side.'"

He blew his top. He rose his voice, and said, "There is no such thing as homosexuality and so called same sex attraction! It did not exist in the premortal existence! It does not exist in the post mortal existence! And it does not exist here! You are choosing to sin. You are choosing to be inferior."

I walked out in tears. No one stood up to support me. No one even looked at me. They just stared straight ahead. As I walked down the hallway, and found a seat to calm down in, I opened my Scriptures to John 13:34. It reads, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."

As I have loved you.

Do you have any idea how powerful that is?? Christ loved us so much that He defended us from Lucifer's disastrous plan of forced obedience. He loved us so much that He came and fulfilled the Law in order to bring a new and everlasting covenant, where we are forgiven of our sins. He lived us so much that he bore the weight of the world and suffered the price of our sins. He shouldered the weight of our guilt, pain, sorrow, and suffering. A weight so large and so traumatic that He showed a rare moment of mortal hesitation and plead with His Father, Our God, to "take this bitter cup" from Him. And yet, He pressed on bearing the weight that would cause His blood to run from every pore.

He completed His Atonement, and guaranteed that you and I will never be left comfort less. He has secured us a place. He allows us to return to celestial glory to live with Him, and our Heavenly Parents again.

We need the Atonement, because we aren't perfect. We abuse our fellow men at worst, and tolerate them at best. John is telling us to love others, and to look at those people that we despise, abuse, and tolerate through the eye's of Christ, and to see them as sisters and brothers of Christ.

I had never looked at it that way. I despise this teacher because of how uninformed, and hurtful he was. I despised my classmates for their indifference. I despise Governor Herbert for his decision to nullify over 1300 marriages because he has a "moral opposition". But I need to look at it in a completely different way.

The next time I see Elder Peters, I need to look at him as my brother in Christ, and know that he is a product of his generation.

Next week, when I walk into class, and I see my classmates again, I need to look at them with compassion, and remember how hard it is to speak up on a tough situation. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be.

This week, when I support my LGBT Brothers and Sisters who have had their marriages annulled and fight and pray for their civil rights to be reinstated, I will look to Governor Herbert and see him as a son of God. A son of God who is doing what he believes to be right. I will look at him with love, even though I strongly disagree with his political and civil decisions.

Will I yet go away from Institute? Not yet. I've contacted the Institute office to let them know about the events that transpired, and I will be going into class early next Tuesday to discuss what happened with our assigned instructor, Brother Butler. I will give it another chance. Because the only Apostle that I love more than President Monson is President Uchtdorf, and I will not shy away from learning how to be a better person from the teachings of this great man.

Unworthy

I want to go to the temple.

There. I said it. Out of my system.

The problem is that I didn't know how to go. And trust me... it's a hell of a lot harder and more complicated than convincing the bishop and stake president to sign a piece of paper, and then driving to one of the four temples in the Salt Lake Valley.

I'm a Mormon. I'm a Mormon who's a Democrat, an intellectual, and a feminist, and a lesbian. That right there just put four road blocks down my path to "spiritual enlightenment", and I have no idea how to reconcile it. I'm the danger in President Boyd K. Packer's imfamous quote, "The dangers I speak of come from the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement (both of which are relatively new), and the ever-present challenge from the so-called scholars or intellectuals."

The biggest road block is easily the fact that I'm gay. I believe that the Church has got it wrong on homosexuality. Like the Church's new policy on race, I believe that the denial of full fellowship to LGBT members is coming from a place of privileged bigotry. I have had personal revelation from God that tells me very plainly that I was born gay, and that it was absolutely something God intended. I was gay in the premortal existence, I'm gay in morality, and I will be gay hereafter. Easy peasy. But I can't be dishonest. Because I have had sex with a woman *gasp*, I need to go through the repentance process. Am I ok repenting for sex before marriage? Yes. Am I ok repenting for having sex with a woman, and promise to never do it again? Absolutely not!! I simply can't do that with good conscience. However, in the Bishop's eyes... this is a "cut and dry" example of not being repentant of my sins. And BAM. No recommend. No temple. And possibly a form of formal/informal Church discipline. No bueno.

But all of these concerns are things that are real to me. I have severe concerns, and disbelief about the Church's positions on homosexuality, and the ordination of women to the Priesthood. I have serious concerns about the Church's teachings to our Young Women about modesty, and how they are responsible for the "pure thoughts" of the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood holders. I have serious concerns about the Church's lack of transparency about it's history. I have concerns about the Church's "worship" of Joseph Smith, and his portrayal of the most perfect man who's ever lived, when in truth, while inspired and called of God, he was a man with many flaws. I have doubts! And simply "doubting my doubts" isn't cutting it. They are not going to go away.

And yet the temple pulls at me. Everything aches when I drive past... knowing that everyone else around me can go in, and I can't. I've tried to ignore it. I've put it out of my mind, telling myself that it's simply something I won't get to have in this life. But I shouldn't have to resign myself to the fact that I can't go! Do I feel worthy? Yes! I respect my fellow brothers and sisters. I strive to do good in my day to day life. I help when I can. I pay my tithing into the Book of Mormon fund, and the general missionary fund. I sustain the leadership of the Church. I read my Sciptures and say my prayers. I feel the presence of the Holy Ghost in my life, nor have I ever stopped feeling it. I know that I am worthy.

But it's up to 2 men to decide if I am. And I don't think that they'll rule in my favor.

The Life That's Waiting For Us

When I was 17 years old, my parents sent me to a residential treatment center to begin and finish my senior year of high school. The experience was not the worst experience of my life, but it tore me down bit by bit, inch by inch, until there was little left of the light, and strength of my spirit. It tore my self confidence to shreds. The experience taught me that no matter the pain or heartache I had experienced in the past, I was solely at fault for everything that had happened.

Observing the interactions with my family was telling as well. Very few letters, awkward and shorter than allotted phone calls, and being the only one whose parents did not permit them to go home for Christmas. I learned that I had
earned their tolerance rather than their unconditional love.

This is only one side of the story, and not a complete one at that, but it conveys accurately the feelings of my heart... Feelings from 7 years ago, and feelings from today.

During my time there, I developed the belief that God alone could save me. That God alone could heal my afflictions and mistakes. I believed that with enough faith, with enough devotion, I would be made whole.

This led me to the Church. I was yearning for truth in a way I had never sought before. I was entranced in the idea that righteousness brings blessings. And the only blessing that I wanted was to be made whole. To be made into the image that God intended. To see myself in the way God saw me. And it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realized that after two years of strict adherence to the letter of the law... nothing happened. My family relations were still non existent. I was still broken. I was still gay. And it only led to more self loathing, more self hatred, and more failure.

But it lead me to really open my eyes. That's when my search for truth took off. And the truth I found, while unorthodox and unexpected, was exactly what I needed.

I learned the truth. I learned that while I had done wrong, and that I was to blame for the vast majority of it, I was not to blame for all of it. I learned that my parents had done wrong, and they were to blame for some of it, but not all of it. My classmates, teachers, neighbors, friends, bullies... they were all to blame for some, but all. They were to blame for their words, and their actions towards me. I was to blame for my words and actions, and for all of the hurt that I caused. But I learned not to carry blame that was not my own.

From that day forward, I learned that healing was possible. I learned how to have compassion and forgiveness for my fellow men and women. I no longer looked for their faults, but instead I looked for their good. For their praiseworthy actions. I learned to recognize that all of us have done wrong. You. Me. Your spouse. Your dog. Some of those wrongs were done intentionally, but most weren't. Some of these wrongs were severely painful, and others were not.

Because Christ's Atonement is infinite, I've been able to forgive myself. I've forgiven myself for my lack of self control, and inability to think before I speak. I have forgiven myself for the wrong I have done. Because after all we can do, Christ's Atonement picks up the slack. When I drop to the floor in exhaustion and anguish, He picks me back up. He carries me until I have the strength to stand on my own. And on those marathons where I am too fat and out of shape to finish, He carries me to the finish. He is there. He knows me to my very core. He knows the intentions of our hearts. He is there.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

Doubting Thomas

In the New Testament, we learn about the life of Christ, and of His Apostles. We hear of the miracles that Christ performed, and of the lives He touched. We learn lessons of love and service to others through His parables, and we learn to accept others through His ministry. We see the attributes of His Apostles... unwavering loyalty from Peter, and the unconditional love of John. But what do we hear of the Apostle Thomas?

The Gospel of John gives us the most information about Thomas. In John 11:16 the Apostles were hesitant to go back to Judea, where the Jews had attempted to stone Jesus. But Thomas, showing his devotion and love for Christ, says, "Let us also go, that we may die with him." He speaks again in John 14:5. Christ had explained that He was going away to prepare a heavenly home for His followers, and that one day they will join Him there. Thomas reacts by saying, "Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?" Thomas wants to follow the words of Christ, but he was afraid that without Christ, he would not know what to do. He is loyal. He knows and loves Christ.

But we don't remember this about Thomas. What we do remember, is that Thomas was a doubter, and poor Thomas really gets put through the ringer for it.

 

Last summer, I performed with my Young Single Adult Stake for the work of "Lamb of God". Thomas is one of the main "characters" in the story, and there is a song, sung by Thomas called "Sometime We'll Understand". Here are some of the words from that song:

You've seen the Lord? You've seen Him risen? You've seen His hands, and touched His side, and you are certain? But I've not seen him. and I must see him. Until I've seen His wounded side, until my hands have felt His hands, I will not know, or yet believe...

 

Can you really blame Thomas? I can't. If I were in his shoes, I would have been just as skeptical... not because I don't believe that Christ is Divine, and the Son of God, but because the emotions and fear that I would have felt, seeing my Savior crucified, would have rattled my brain. Hard. So my friends telling me that they had seen Him... I simply would not have been able to believe it.

Does that make Thomas any less loyal? No. Does it make Thomas any less faithful? No. Does Thomas deserve to be remembered as a doubter? Absolutely not.

I love the Gospel. It is everything to me. But I doubt. I wonder about things. I wonder about many, many things. I wonder about the role of women in the Church. I wonder about what the Church says about the LGBT community. I wonder about everything. I doubt everything. Most of these doubts resolve themselves. Most of them are resolved because I "doubted my doubts". But not all of them.

Thomas doubted. But he was not shunned. He was not made to be less than the other Apostles. He was not told to "believe or else". He was accepted. He was welcomed into the fold. There was a place for him, because Christ made a place for him.

Christ Atoned for our us. He felt the struggles and pain we feel every day. He has felt the weight of the questions and uncertainty we bear. He knows the emotional turmoil we feel coming from all directions. He knows the skepticism, the hesitation, and sometimes outright disbelief that we feel in our day to day lives.

But Christ loves us. And just as He made a place for Thomas, He made a place for you and I too.

Affirmation Talk

On my journey to accepting myself as a gay Mormon, all of my pillars crumbled with the revelation of my sexuality. I lost friends, I lost family, and for a while, I lost the Church. I lost everything. The only pillar that remained was God... my Heavenly Parents. Prayer, the temple, and the Scriptures were what got me through those hard times.

I really took advantage of the healing power of the Atonement... but not because I had sinned. The Atonement is for all of God's children. It's not just for sinners, and a lot of people forget that. The Atonement applies to everyone. It applies if you sin... it applies if you are in pain, it applies if you are in sorrow, it applies if you're straight, and it applies if you are gay. It applies if you are a member of Church, and it applies if you aren't. The Atonement of Christ is everything.

The Book of Enos from the Book of Mormon, was by far my greatest strength. In the first chapter, we read of Enos, and the struggle he had before God. He was concerned about his eternal life, and his soul hungered and he knelt before God in prayer and supplication of his soul. He prayed all day and night.

And then came a voice from Heaven saying, "Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed." Enos knew that God could not lie, and his guilt was swept away. He asked God how this could have been done, and God replied, "Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole." Enos heard God, and he felt that his brethren needed to hear these words, and he prayed to God for them.

Enos and I are mirrors of one another. I knelt in prayer, and I paced my bedroom, praying over and over again. And one day, while in the temple baptistry, I heard God. He confirmed His love for me. He lifted me up in my hour of need. He lifted me above the scorn I felt from the world, and from the children in His Church. And once I could stand on my own... once I could again bear my burdens, I turned to pray for my fellow brothers and sisters. I turned to help them. Gay, straight, Bisexual, Transgender... I prayed for them all. I go out to live Christ's true love, and to bestow it on those who need it the most. 

This is why I stay.