My last letter...

I don't know what's happened in the last 6 months. You went from loving me to hating me in a matter of days. I've racked my brain trying to figure it out... but I don't know what it is. All I know is that you dropped me like a bag of rocks, and you never looked back. And I can't explain to you how difficult that is for me. 

Ever since that night you first kissed me, I have been hopelessly in love with you. HOPELESSLY. Even now, I think of you every night before I fall asleep. I don't even mean to do it. I roll over, cuddle up to my body pillow, and I pretend that its you. Tess saw me do it one night while I was half asleep. We think its funny now... but its true. I'm in love with you. I start crying out of the blue some days, just because I miss you. I'm sad because I miss you. You were the one I loved. I don't know that I'll ever love someone like I loved you. I'll be lucky to love someone half as much. 

It kills me to know that you hate me. It tears me apart when I read texts that tell me to stay away from you... to stay out of your life... unless I want to get the crap kicked out of me by you and your friends. It killed me to have to call the cops that night. But I was genuinely scared. For myself, but for Mande and Tyler too... because its anyone's common sense that if I'm going to be in Cedar City, I'm going to be with Mande and Tyler. I was scared that you were going to hurt me... not just emotionally, but physically this time...

I love you so much. So much that it hurts. And I wonder if you do too. I wonder if you're looking up at the same star as I am. Or watching the same TV show as I am... or reading the same book as I am. I wonder if you still love me. I don't think you do. Every time I read the texts... every hateful word. Every hurtful word. It rips me apart. And you can't see it. You have no idea. Right now... all I can do is cry. I hate myself for loving you so much. I HATE MYSELF! Do you understand this?? There has not been a day where the thought hasn't crossed my mind. The thought that my world is a lesser place without you in it. I've thought about driving down to Cedar and showing up on your door... knocking on every door til I find the right one. I've thought about every possible way to get you back. I'd do anything for you. Anything. I miss you, baby. I miss you so much. All I want in my life is you. 

But you won't ever see this. And you won't ever take me back. So this is my last letter to you. I love you. I really hope you can see that. I love you. I love you so much. Just don't hate me anymore. Please...