10 August 2013


I have a new job. I have a new car (as of three hours ago!) I'm making more money, and I have good benefits. I have a way to pay for the rest of my college education, and I don't have to pinch pennies to get by. I should be happy right?

I have God, I have the scriptures. I go to Church (mostly), and I'm starting to pay my tithing again. And I'm technically celibate, because I have no desire to be with anyone but Melissa. I'm doing everything that a gay Mormon is taught to do to achieve eternal happiness. But am I happy? Not in the slightest.

I keep going back and forth between believing that I'll be happier if I'm celibate and alone. On one hand, there's the Church. If I'm celibate and repentant, then I'm worthy in God's eyes. If I'm worthy, I can hold callings, I can take the Sacrament, and I can go to the temple and receive my endowment. I would be clean and pure.

But on the other hand, I'm starting to believe that my life is too much of a disaster to keep anyone important in my life. My parents left, and took my siblings with them. I still keep in touch with most of my extended family, but because of the chasm between my parents and I, and because of the 2,000 miles separating us, I don't go home. Because of all my family baggage, and my emotional baggage thanks to wilderness and treatment, I tend to not keep relationships well. I bottle everything up inside, or I hide the particularly painful details, and then defecation hits the oscillation.

So is this a win-win? Or is it just another disaster?


  1. I'm starting to believe that life is just one big disaster. That doesn't mean that happiness doesn't or can't exist or so I believe. I like to think that happiness can happen in spite of this disaster and is even more beautiful for it. I know you've been through hell. I don't pretend to understand what exactly you've felt or how you managed to deal with it, but I know it was not fun. I also know that you DID get through it. You've even managed to come out of it at least financially comfortable. I admire you for it. What your parents did was horrendous. When I heard I had no words. You're an amazing person and that shows whenever you open up or speak at all. You didn't deserve what they put you through. What's worse is you don't deserve what you are putting yourself through. Your past has helped create who you are today, but it doesn't need to define you. You get to decide what defines you. Only you. I can't wait to see what you do next. And I wish you all the best.

    1. I deserve about half of what they put me through... I didn't go into any detail because it didn't make sense for this blog, but there is A LOT of background that isn't pretty.

      Thank you though :) Sometimes I have a hard time seeing beyond 3 steps in front of me

  2. I've only stumbled across your blog recently. I'm a member of Mormons Building Bridges on Facebook, and I also live in Utah. I know this may sound like silly and cookie cutter advice, but I just have a feeling to tell you that I think it would be a good idea for you to get on your knees and pour your heart out in prayer. Ask Him all of the questions you have in your heart, how to cope with things, and for the strength to face the trials in your life. Believe me, it is super cleansing, like cry-worthy cleansing. I'm not even a crier, but my eyes basically become mini-Niagara Falls after a good prayer.

    If there is one thing I've learned over the years, it's that God loves us- no matter what. Gay, straight, purple- none of that REALLY affects how he sees us in His eyes, because we're all children of God and all loved equally. In heaven, we chose what we were going to be like on earth. We choose our trials and we're never given more than we can handle- even if at times it feels like we're going to collapse from the pressure and pain.

    I'm not a lesbian, but I'm fighting for complete equality because it's the right thing to do. That's why I joined MBB in the first place. I know that God loves each and every one of us. It's part of what I believe, and I'd even flat-out say that in a testimony meeting! I hope things will become clearer for you. I wish you the best of luck.

  3. I want you to know Ellen, I think one of the things that is keeping you from being happy is that rift between your immediate family. I know that when I came out, and how my dad acted towards me, it was nearly impossible for me to be happy even though I was being accepted by my College dorm mates. I know it's hard, but I would suggest at least trying to have a civil conversation with your parents about what is going on in their life. Show that you still care about them. When they see that you do care about them despite the rift, I think they'll start to change their minds. I know it will probably hurt, but try to show your parents and family that you still love them.

    I know things are hard, and it seems like happiness is never there, but sometimes it's hidden in the rough landscape around you.

    1. I send my mother flowers for Mother's Day and her birthday every year. I never get a reply or acknowledgment, but I check with the florist in my hometown to make sure she gets them. The last time I spoke to my parents was in 2010... Unless you count this past Thanksgiving, where my dad stole the phone from my grandpa and told me that once I meet his conditions I could come home. Otherwise, I was not welcome. No "I love you", or "I miss you". My parents see me as the disrespectful, hot headed, lying teenager they knew 6 years ago. I don't think they'll ever see me as the adult I've grown up to be. They don't want to talk to me. They don't want to know me. They've made that very clear.

      The funny thing is... I haven't even told them that I'm gay. It's the farthest thing from a secret, and it's all over Facebook, so I'm sure other family members have told them. But they don't even know. They know nothing about me.