05 August 2013

Journal Entry, 12 November 2011

Today I envy the heterosexual. I envy being "normal". I envy being wholesome and clean. I envy the girls that swoon over men like Channing Tatum and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I envy the desire to date men. I envy the 95%.

I want to find men attractive. I want to view sex with men as enticing, and desirable. I want to find a temple worthy man to see me as an elect daughter of God. I want to have butterflies in my stomach when a guy smiles at me. I want to blush, and have that cute embarrassed look on my face. But I don't. I have the shame in the pit of my stomach instead.

I love Grey's Anatomy. It's my absolute favorite TV show. I wish that I could be Meredith Grey. She's straight, and she's beautiful. Meredith is awesome. Being straight is awesome. But I'm not Meredith. I'm not awesome. And I'm not straight.

The Mormon universe and the Gay universe swirl and collide in my head. They try to mix, but they are like oil and water. They touch, but they aren't the same. One is less than the other.

Why would God do this to me? Was I rebellious in the Pre-Mortal life? Was I displeasing to God? Am I unnatural? Am I sinful? I'm a virgin... But I'm considered to be immoral and virtue-less. How can I be immoral if I'm a virgin? How could I have lost my virtue if it's still physically (and emotionally) intact? Does God hate me?

I can't change. It's not lack of willpower. It's not lack of faith, or trust in God. I wasn't abused as a child, and I had good parents. Parents who didn't understand me, but they were good parents. They didn't do anything to make me the way I am. But I did. I ruined my life before it even started.

Should I end it in the same fashion?


  1. It's interesting to read the first couple of paragraphs as a gay mormoin man. It's the same thoughts I had, but reversed, feels kind of surreal

    1. It's a place of desperation that most (if not all) gay Mormons go to. Too many don't come back from it. It's a tragedy that few people recognize or acknowledge

  2. Dear Ellen,

    You were created by God exactly the way you are supposed to be. Embrace who you are, love who you are, and BE who you are! Maybe you were created as you are to teach your brothers and sisters the true love and compassion of Christ. So be a shining example of his love by loving yourself and others struggling with the same issue. Don't ever throw away your life because there may be hundreds or even thousands of lives that will never be the same without knowing you.

    Love, Ryan

    1. Thanks Ryan :) this post was written in my journal almost 2 years ago, and I'm no longer in this state of mind (thankfully). I decided to post it because I have gotten a lot of negative feedback from people telling me that I must not have prayed about the sin of homosexuality, and that I'm taking the "easy" path, and giving myself excuses to sin.

      I'm not making excuses to sin. I'm making excuses to live. I've embraced death. Now I'm embracing life.