Doubt Your Doubts

I absolutely love President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. That man is amazing. His talks in General Conference, and articles in the Ensign feel like the are written specifically for me, and no one else. He is the rock that holds my testimony in place. I strive to have the faith that he has, and the love and compassion he has for everyone; not just the members of the Church.

This last conference further strengthened my love for him. He validated my emotions and my concerns about my doubts in Mormonism. He reaffirmed my personal revelation that I needed to stay in the Church. He reaffirmed my place. He pushed aside the people that are unwilling to give me a seat in their pew, and said, "There is a place for you. You belong here." There is nothing about President Uchtdorf that I could dislike. He makes airplane jokes! What's to hate about that?

What I can't stand, however, is the Church's obsession with ignoring EVERYTHING in his talk, and instead only quoting the one-liner, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith".

I see it everywhere. I see it on Facebook, I see it on Twitter. I see it on the wall in the foyer of the Institute Building, and I hear it from all my friends as a catch all cure for all my doubts and questions.

It. Drives. Me. Nuts.

When I see these signs and pin ups, all I think of is: Doubt your doubts about the Church's lack of transparency on its history. Doubt your doubts about the lack of importance of women. Doubt your doubts that the Church had it absolutely WRONG about the Priesthood ban on blacks, polygamy, and now homosexuality. Stay firm in your beliefs, and if concerns arise, doubt your doubts and continue to stay firm in your beliefs. The cycle is never ending.

People assume that "doubt you doubts before you doubt your faith" only applies to doubts about official Church teachings, doctrines and positions, but how many times do we doubt ourselves about something that we know down to our very bones to be right? How many times do we doubt the personal revelation we receive? How many times do we doubt our own inspired and prayerful interpretations of our patriarchal blessings and other Priesthood blessings?

Answer? All of the time.

We see these things as something that we cooked up during our less-than-lucid moments when we're on the brink on sleep, or in the torturous moments before fully waking up. We see them as moments of weakness... confusion, or even the Adversary tempting us into doing something wrong. These things happen, don't get me wrong... but it's not always the case.

I constantly am doubting my doubts. I doubt my own personal revelation. I constantly push back against it, because the majority of the Church sees it as something I made up in my head, because I wanted so badly for it to be true... some even see it as bordering on apostasy. I doubt that God loves me. I doubt that They love me for being gay. I doubt that God made me this way. I go back and forth with myself. I go back and forth with the dogma I was taught to believe with unwavering certainty, and they knowledge I know to be true, by going to God directly... just like Joseph Smith.

When we pray, we turn toward God. When I pray, I feel comforted, not confused. When I pray I am strengthened, not filled with contention. When I pray, I may be scared, but I finish with a level of understanding. Faith isn't faith if we doubt our ability to hear God, or doubt Their ability to deliver us from adversity.

Therefore, my dear sisters and brothers—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. —President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Come Join With Us"

Yesterday I stood in the stand by line with over 300 women (and our male allies) for admittance to the Priesthood session of the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was a bittersweet experience. I started my morning by watching the morning session of Conference, and eating breakfast with about 10 other LGBT Mormons. We were all in shock with President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's address at the close of the Saturday morning session, and it touched me on a deep personal level. It prepared me for the activities for the rest of the day, because it proved to me that I was doing the right thing. The Church has a place for me.

I went home, and got dressed, and really mentally prepared for what was about to happen, not because I was nervous, but because I was about to make history. I was about to do something that I genuinely believed in, and it was something so many people in the Church look down upon, and claim to be apostate.

I went and parked at the Ballpark (1300 South) TRAX station, and got on the train to head downtown. I got there early so that I could listen to the rest of the afternoon session on Temple Square, and after the session I headed to City Creek Park on State Street and 100 North. When I got there, I saw over 200 women, active, worthy LDS women gathered, and ready to head over to Temple Square. I had some time to meet new people, and visit with my two friends, Bridey and Elizabeth. We were briefed on logistics, sang the hymn, "The Spirit of God", and had a prayer, and then we were off. We were off to make history.

By the time we left for Temple Square, we had over 300 women and male allies among us. As we turned onto North Temple, I pulled out my Scriptures, and started reading my patriarchal blessing. You have been blessed with a sense of right and wrong and with a willing heart to hear the truth and you are true to it. You will experience loving, tender feelings as the Lord visits you by the power of His Spirit to comfort you, to give you reassurance, and strength to go on in times of need. Those words sang true to me that day. I was truly doing what I absolutely know to be right. And it was exhilarating!

Once we made our way onto the Temple Square grounds, we got in the stand by line for the Tabernacle. It was real now. We were there. People started coming up to us asking what the line was for. On more than one occasion I replied with, "This is the standby line for admittance to the Priesthood session in the Tabernacle." Most looked confused, but then smiled and said thank you. Others however... they smirked, and looked me up and down, as if looking for the male genitalia requisite for holding the Priesthood. And then the Sister Missionaries came to call... three companionships total. The first two were pretty... hostile... in that sugary, sweet sister missionary way. But the third set as amazing... they listened, they heard me out, and they understand how hurt the marginalized groups in this Church are. It was missionary work at it's best. They listened. They actually listened.


It wasn't long until word came that we were officially denied entry to the session. It wasn't really surprising to me. We decided to turn and face the crowd of men walking past us... this way they had to look at us. And we walked up, one by one, to ask for entry to the session. Once it was my turn, I walked up to the man standing in front of the door, and said, "My name is Ellen Koester. I'm requesting entry to the Conference Center to hear the counsel of the Prophet and his Apostles." This man, replied, "As you know this is the standby line for men to enter the Priesthood session. It is for male members only."

That statement floored me. I was expecting to be denied, but I was expecting the reason to be because I don't hold the Priesthood... not because I don't have a penis. I looked him straight in the eye, and said ok... and paused to look through the doors into the Tabernacle before I turned to walk away. Soon after, they closed the door, pulled a red tape across the entrance, and eventually drove a mini garbage truck in front of it... as if they were expecting the well behaved women, who had been asking peacefully for entrance, to suddenly storm the building. We all soon gathered for a prayer, and to sing the hymn, " I Am A Child Of God", and we made our way back to City Creek Park. But not before noticing three men standing inside by the window staring at us. They didn't smile, they didn't show any sort of outward emotion. They just stared.

On the walk back, I did a lot of soul searching, and conversing with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. To hear their personal stories was unbelievably inspiring, and faith promoting... I felt the Spirit more strongly than I had all day... with the brief exception of when President Uchtdorf spoke that morning. 

Conference weekend as a whole has been discouraging to say the least. But I am holding fast to the words of President Uchtdorf, "Brothers and sisters, dear friends, we need your unique talents and perspectives. The diversity of persons and peoples is a strength of this Church." This taught me that my opinions and perspectives are valid, and that they are valued... even by the Church. "If you define hypocrites as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us are quite as Christ-like as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and sins to become better with the help of Jesus Christ.", and "If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances, your personal history or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you in this Church. Come join with us." This taught me that although I break certain commandments, and have differing opinions about certain doctrines and practices within the Church, that I am valued. And that there is a place for me. I am Mormon... no matter what anyone else says or thinks. "If you expect to find perfect people here, you will be disappointed.", "If you are looking for a place of belonging come join with us." , "If you have left the faith you once embraced, come back again and join with us.", "If you are tempted to give up, stay yet a little longer. There is room for you here." He showed us that there is a place for us. He showed us that we are vital to the Church, as are our opinions and perspectives. He showed us that we were valued.

I am valued. I am wanted. My perspectives are valued. An Apostle of the Lord has asked me to stay. Many people have told me that I don't listen to the counsel of the Prophets, and that I should leave for the benefit of the Church, and the members around me. To them I say........ I'm listening. And I'm staying.

I Support Ordaining Women To The Priesthood

I often mention my Catholic background in my day to day discussions about religion. Maybe it's because I like that it makes me different from my Mormon peers. I don't have the same pioneer stories about my ancestors, and unlike my generational Mormon peers, my family history binder is bare... there are just too many members if my family to find!

I still identify as Catholic in a way... not so much doctrinally, but culturally. I still attend mass on Christmas Eve and Easter, and on other holy days of obligation. I still light Advent candles and observe Lent... to prepare for Christ's birth, Atonement, death, resurrection and ascension. I will still make the sign of the cross occasionally after a prayer, because it helps me remember the three members of the Godhead; The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.

In short, I still have a deep devotion to a cause that is no longer my own.

I feel this same devotion on the topic if women's ordination to the priesthood. I never considered myself a feminist until about 18 months ago. I was too scared of my homosexuality to think of anything else I could do to mock and displease God. And even now... as an advocate in the Church for the harshly marginalized LGBT community, I've slowly aligned myself with the Mormon Feminist movement, because it helps me feel like I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that sees the Church as an old (white) men's club. I'm not the only one who wonders why Heavenly Mother is frankly... Ignored. I'm not the only one who believes that religion has no place in government, and politics have no place in Church. I'm not the only one who sees inconsistencies in Church History. I'm not the only one who hears mixed messages in General Conference... "Love one another!" , "Tolerance is a trap!" I'm not the only one who has had doubts, and I'm not the only one who still has a deep and sincere love for my Heavenly Parents amid these doubts.

Should women be ordained to the Priesthood? I believe we can, and we should. I don't know if God meant the Priesthood to be for men only... Just like I don't know if the Relief Society should be for women only. I haven't asked all questions, but the question I have asked is, "What is required to be ordained to the Priesthood?" I don't have all the answers, but my I have received an answer... that you must be worthy, and willing to serve throughout your whole life. No mention of male genitalia. 

I don't know if women will be ordained in my lifetime. I don't know if women will ever be ordained. But I believe that we should. I know that I can worthily serve God. I know that I can serve worthily in the leadership of my ward, and stake. I know that God respects my devotion to my convictions. And that's why I stand with the rest of the women who tirelessly work for this cause. And on Saturday October 5, I will be standing in line at the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, requesting entry to the Priesthood Session of General Conference. This cause no longer belongs to someone else. This cause is my own.