02 July 2013

My Purpose

My faith is important to me... You could go as far as to say that it's the most important thing in my life. And normally I keep these kinds of things to myself, because its so personal. But since coming out, and realizing that it is possible to be gay and Mormon, I've had this feeling that I need to get out there, and share it. Share it so that other LGBT people can know that religion doesn't hate them, and that there is a place within Christianity for them. Share it so that the parents and family members of LGBT people can know that their child/grandchild/cousin/sibling is still a cherished son or daughter of God, and the fact that they're gay doesn't change that. Because if there is one thing that I have a testimony of, its that God loves us. Unconditionally. No matter what.

I was unable to serve a mission, because I had priesthood leaders that decided that gay=unworthy. And for a long time I was really upset about it, because I knew that I would've been a kick ass missionary. But maybe this is what my mission is supposed to be. Maybe my mission is to be a voice. To put myself out there in the face of adversity, and spit in Satan's eye and kick him in the shins. There's a part in my patriarchal blessing that says, "There are significant purposes and circumstances where you will provide very valuable assistance in accomplishing the work of The Lord." There's something out there for me to do. And I believe that there is no bigger issue facing this Church than addressing the needs of LGBT Mormons. It'll be this generation's "ban on the priesthood".

When I have a question, I do just as Joseph Smith did in his youth... I follow the counsel in James 1:5, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." I study the scriptures as a daughter of God, but also as an intellectual, so that I can better testify of the truth of this Gospel. 

I'm here to do something. I'm here to make a difference.


  1. Thanks for sharing :) I'm gay..I was not able to serve a mission as well.
    Loved to read this.
    Greet from Argentina. Saludos!

  2. Ellen, I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now (Since I have seen you posting the links on your facebook wall) and I have wanted to comment but didn't really know what to say. I'm not sure why, but this post made me a little upset. Like you, I believe that "God loves us. Unconditionally. No matter what." One thing I don't and probably will never understand is why you (or anyone) would want to subject themselves to so much hate- in order to be part of something. The LDS church is clearly not supportive (maybe some members are) of its LGBT members and it makes me sad to think about how many wonderful people are living in shame, denial, and a complete sense of unworthiness, simply because of who they are.

    I hope that you can/are/will be happy someday and realize that you don't need anyone to validate you or your beliefs. And I hope that for your sake (and many others), the church will be more accepting of the LGBT community in the future.

    1. Jill, you have known me for a long time now (6 years, can you believe it?) when I was at Kilob, I was angry, and hurt, and had no desire to "change". I had no purpose in life other than to get the fuck out of there and get on with my life. The Church saved me. Literally. That's a huge reason why I stay.

      I do not agree with everything. I do not have a testimony of everything, including the Church's stance on gay marriage, and orientation. Staying in the Church is not for every LGBT Mormon. I fully support, and advocate for people's right to do what is best for them. Staying was best for me.

  3. I definitely agree. I didn't leave the church because I am gay- I left before I even knew I was gay...but that aside, I know that it would be so hard if I DID want to be a part of the church because of their actions/views on LGBT. Anyway, I'm glad you are happy and finding your way! :)