29 July 2013


How do you cope with the loss of the love of your life? How do you cope with the sudden loss of companionship and intimacy? How do you accept that they left you and fell in love with someone else? How do you do that?

I don't have any of the answers. I'm sure that's a big surprise to all of you, but hey... the truth's the truth. I haven't written about Melissa for a while. I've instead continued to write about the "Gay Mormon Paradox". There's a couple of reasons for it. First, I think the paradox is more important to write about, and has more purpose to my community. But the second reason is what really gets under my skin... I let someone push me around. If any of you know me personally, you know that I am the very last person to let someone walk all over me. But in this case, I laid down at her feet, just to make it easier for her. About a month-ish ago, my friend (though I'm not sure if I'm her friend anymore... I offended her with some sorely needed "unsugared" honesty) told me that I was being, "creepy, sad, and embarrassing" about the situation, and I was exemplifying it by blogging about it. I got self conscious, and I stopped.

Pathetic, I know.

Well I'm starting again. It'll be a little different, because I got a request to write about how I'm coping with the loss of the love of my life... especially with the circumstances in which it happened. And I will happily oblige.

I haven't gotten over her. Plain and simple. I'm sad for her because she's making some poor life and health choices, and it breaks my heart to see her do it. She's moving on, and it breaks my heart, because I'm still in love with someone who has fallen out of love with me.

The thing that hurts the most, is that there's another woman. Melissa still insists that nothing happened between her and Megan before she broke up with me. And it's still possible that she's telling the truth, because I haven't been able to prove it otherwise. But she moved on immediately after our break up. And it eats away at me. She may not have had a physical affair before we broke up, but she absolutely had an emotional one. 

I go back and forth between being sad and being angry. I hate to love her, and I love to hate her. And I love to love her, and hate to hate her. There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't cried. And there hasn't been a day where I haven't been angry. And the anger isn't always directed at Melissa. I hate Megan with every bone in my body. She's a home wrecker, and she has shown absolutely no remorse. She's polishing her trophy, and she doesn't care who she stepped on, and destroyed to achieve it. She's a poor excuse for a woman...

I feel like I can't really move on. I'm still in love with her, and I don't know when that'll change. And because I'm still in love with her, I can't go on honest dates with anyone. And even if I could, I have absolutely no desire to do so. I'm drowning. And they say drowning, and burning to death are the two worst ways to die. Figures.

So I'm not over Melissa. I'm not healed. And I haven't keeled over yet from hyperventilating, or dehydration. Death by drowning is still plausible. It's a poor start, but it's a start right?


  1. Thank you for writing about something that is so hard on you. It has been pretty much the same on me, too, losing a love. I have felt everything you have written about here. I hope time will be both of our friends and help us each deal with the losses we feel. It is so hard and I feel sad for you, that you have to go through it. And, I feel angry at Melissa for making it seem she moved immediately on. And, I could dress in black if you want, and go ninja on Megan. I, too, dislike these third parties who get involved without repercussions. It stinks.

    Thank you, again. I appreciate you being so willing to write about this.

    Happy day, if possible. Duck

  2. The third party didnt just come out of the blue... I approached her about a week before, for support and whatever. Just to clear that up :)

    You would be my hero if you'd go black belt ninja on Megan. Seriously.

    I'm willing to write about anything... Within reason. I'm going to write about your other request, I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to do it, so that it'll portray what I want it to portray, without being WAY over the top :)

  3. I am pretty sure I asked a question that I had no business asking in a public forum. Please, do not feel like you have to answer it.

    I appreciate how you have been willing to answer my questions. It is good to get another's perspective and ideas. Thank you. :)

    I am only a white-belt ninja right now- so, when I get my black belt ninja suit, I will let you know and then I will go take care of that wench, OK?

    Happy night, Duck

    1. I will always answer questions. :) and please let me know... I'll drive the getaway car :)

  4. Good! I will need help getting away. :) I will make you my black-belt-ninja-in-training-ninja, OK? :)

    Thank you. I have lots of questions but I will not overwhelm you. And, I, too, will answer questions. :)

    Happy night, Duck

  5. You can overwhelm me. I can handle it :)