16 June 2013

Limbo, Limbo

Disclaimer! I've been asked to delete this post. I'm the spirit of transparency, I will be editing the parts that were asked to be deleted•

I'm stuck in limbo. Treading water. I have nowhere to go. I have over a month until my new job starts; I have no money until I get my first check from the new job; and until I have money, I'm chained to this spot, unable to move. Which means I'm chained to Melissa whether or not I want to be.

Part of me just wants to throw up my hands and say, "Screw you and that woman," and leave and never look back. Because if they do stay together, and try to make a go at it, they're doomed. Like a new friend told me, they're fighting a two front battle... Melissa is pursuing a woman who has no problem wooing, seducing, and having affairs with married/committed women, and Megan is pursuing a woman who has no problem dropping a committed, long term relationship when things start to get "boring" or "too vanilla". Instead of filling the car back up with gas, giving it a tune up and just a little TLC, she decides to scrap it and buy a new one...

And yet, the other part of me is still head over heels in love with her, regardless of all the pain and anguish she's put me through this last week and a half. I never lost that spark for her. I never lost interest, I never stopped being attracted to her, and I never stopped loving her. She was my everything. My heart and soul. Simple as that. I would still take her back. If she comes home from this "honeymoon" and tells me that she's sorry, and that she'd never do it again... I'd still take her back.

And yes I know that its crazy, and that I'd be setting myself up for failure, and pain.

Tomorrow would've been our one year anniversary. We were laying in the grass of my front lawn, just talking and having fun. Once it got dark, I leaned over, and asked her if I could kiss her, and we made out. For a while. And then she asked me to be her girlfriend. And that was that. I'm thankful that I'm going to be working tomorrow... because it'll force me to get out of bed, and be productive like a normal human being. But I know that all I'm going to want to do is lay in bed all day.

I've been trying to reach out to the scriptures and anything really to make this easier. But nothing really helps. Maybe I'm just reading in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm not searching with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Maybe I'm just too hurt and upset to be able to pull anything out of it. I don't know. But it is discouraging... if I can't find any comfort or relief from the scriptures, then where the hell can I find it?


  1. I've been reading the past few posts and I have a little bit of advice about the part with scriptures and prayer.

    Start off by praying about what you're thankful for, as you pray about that, you will start to realize how much you have and how much that you have been blessed, then as you read the scriptures, think about a situation in the scriptures that may apply to you, In your case, I would suggest reading about Esther. The story may not be the same, but her story is still one that might bring you strength when you need it most.

  2. I feel sad for those two. It reminds me of part of the movie "Fireproof". An older woman sees one of her younger coworkers who is unhappy in her marriage and contemplating an affair with another man, and she asks, "Isn't he married? If he's willing to leave his wife and pursue another woman, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you?" And the young woman leaves in a huff of denial - she refuses to see. Offended as I am at the actions of your "friend", I also feel sad for the way she doesn't see that. (Though the film doesn't exactly apply to your situation, it's a good one and I recommend it as a faith-builder.)

    I agree with the above commenter in that you can definitely find inspiration and solace in scriptural stories. I think of Nephi, who "despite having been highly favored of the Lord had seen many afflictions in the course of his days" (that's a paraphrase of the first page). I also think of Abish, the only believer in a sea of unbelief, knowing she could be put to death for "coming out" as to what she really thought. The inspiration is there, and if you have to twist the stories a bit to fit your life that's entirely fine (as long as the doctrine itself remains intact).

    You'll make it through this month okay. Don't be a stranger - call if you want to talk.