25 June 2011


I'm in a brand new town. With brand new people. I'm in a city with 1,130,293 people in it... and a week after I move here, I got dropped by my best friend, Missy... for reasons I keep to myself, because I don't know how to understand them, much less explain them to anyone else. She introduced me to 3 people. Of those 3 friends she introduced me to, before she threw me to the dogs, one is amazing, I couldn't hid that if I tried with all my heart and soul. She is a fantastic friend, and she will be blessed a thousand times over. Another doesn't know I exist because he is so entangled in his own Hollywood good looks and award winning charm. So I've stopped trying. And the last has admitted that she really doesn't want me around.

I love Christine. She can be a fantastic friend. She's helped me move, she's helped me smile when I couldn't remember how, and she's been one of the greatest role models I have, of how to be the best Latter-day Saint woman I can be. And yet, she can get in a mood, and she can be mean, and rude, and tear me down like a Jenga Tower. She's told Tess that if she knows that I'll be hanging out with them, that she probably won't be too talkative. She's been wanting to talk to me about some things... she asked Tess to not tell me, and I respect that.  But I don't know what I've done to hurt her. I don't know what I've done to offend her. I just don't know what I've done. And it hurts.

She also has said that she can't trust me based upon my past... a past that she had nothing to do with. A past that she's only heard about through Missy... someone who stabbed me in the back. She needs to get to know me, from me. Not from anyone else. And she won't give me the opportunity to show her how amazing I can be. Because I can be an awesome person. I've made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes everyday. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I am working so hard to be a worthy member of the Church, and to keep a recommend. But I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I feel so awful about myself when I feel like someone is judging me based on the past... when they haven't seen the present.

Well... that's enough of my ranting... I'm just frustrated. And I'm probably over thinking everything... I hope I'm over thinking this. Because I don't think I can take losing another friend right now... my life is too unstable to lose one more person that means something to me. Because she means something to me.

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