That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Life-long Vagabond

Well... I'm on the move again. Still staying in Salt Lake, but I'm moving houses again. I've been living with Tess and Andy for the last few months, and I have loved it. They are fantastic people, and I love them. But they are wanting some space, and some one-on-one time with each other... and quite honestly, I do not want to be around for the "one-on-one" time ;) if ya know what I mean. So, they gave me til the end of November to find a new place. Which is more than enough time. Sucks that I have to move again so fast, but, it'll be alright. :)

When looking for a place there are a few things that are important...

1. I need my own room. Not that I don't like to share a room, because if I room with the right person I love it. (like my roommate Mackenzie last year... that was amazingly fun!) But I've gotten to the point where I like to have my own space, and to have a space to go and be alone if I want to.
2. My roommates need to be LDS, or live LDS standards. I'm getting back into the church, and I need all the help I can get so I don't fall off the wagon again. They don't have to be LDS necessarily, but I just cannot live with girls who go out and party, and drink and have boys over every night. Because I'm afraid that if they do it, I'll do it. And I can't do that right now.
3. I need it to be affordable. Under $300/month if I can.
4. And I need to be as close to school OR work that I can. 

Which brings me to my next point.

I was looking on KSL tonight, and I found an apartment that fits all the bills, except the last one. (It would be just about the same distance from work and school as I am now in Taylorsville) Its a little house 4 bedroom house, 4 girls to the house, $200/month, and everyone is LDS. The only little hang up is that its in East Millcreek. Literally 5 minutes from Missy's parent's house. So close that I am in her home singles ward... the same ward her younger sister Kristine goes to, and the same ward that she will go to when she is in town... which is going to be super awkward... seeing that she hates me. The price is right. The roommates are right. The house is right. And the location is perfect... leaving Missy and the her family out of it. I want to go for it. I really really do. I just don't want to accidentally create drama by moving there. Because I do not, under any circumstances, want to make my life harder than it already is.

But I think the biggest perk is going to be that I am right off the I-80/I-215... which means I am worlds closer to the ski resorts than I am here in Taylorsville :) That makes a big difference on my decision too :D

School's Starting!!

Well... here we go again! School is starting up again, and its back to the books. YAY! Its my first semester at the University if Utah this fall, and I'm super excited! My schedule for the semester is as follows...

Intro to Law and Politics (POLS 3200)
European Politics (POLS 3410)
Intro to Comparative Politics (POLS 2200)
Political Parties (POLS 3120)

This is going to be an intense semester... but an awesome one nonetheless! Super excited!!

In other news, I had an interview with Sports Authority the other day as a skiing sales associate! Hope I get it, because that means that I'll be able to get my ski bum on a few months early :D Which means that winter is essentially starting in August :D And that makes me super happy!

Also... I'm moving in with Tessie and Andy. That'll be fun. We'll see how Christine reacts to it... see if she hates me even more for it. Who knows. I'm to the point where I want to ask her if she has any interest in being my friend... but that'd be just bitchy of me, and I don't want to be the bitchy friend. So who knows. But this could be fun. Because we spend a whole lot of time together anyway, and it'll save us a ton of gas :) But yeah. Thats what's going on in the life of Ellen. Not to mention that I'm going on a date tonight!

And The Results Are In....

Well I went to the doctor yesterday. And the verdict is in... I have a torn ACL and a severe MCL sprain. This is what the inside of your knee looks like... :D

Now the part in the blue is your ACL ligament, and the one in green that you can barely see is your MCL ligament. They are 2 of the 4 major ligaments that hold your knee together. And these ligaments, the ACL in particular, is what gives your knee stability... it allows me to make quick cuts, and turns, and everything while playing sports. After tearing it though, I can feel everything being very unstable... its almost like I can feel it wanting to buckle out from under me. Which is bad...

So I went to the doctor yesterday. They took a CT scan, but it wasn't clear enough to see exactly what was going on in there, so they took an MRI scan. The MRI confirmed that I tore the ACL, but they still aren't sure if it needs surgery, so they put me in this big huge brace (see picture below) and are waiting to see if it starts healing on its own, and if it does, I won't be needing any surgery. Which would pretty much be the greatest thing in the entire world. But while I was there, the doc told me that if I would have rotated any farther when I did this, I would have torn the MCL too. Which is kinda nuts. But the recovery time is anywhere from 3-12 months... it all depends on how well I stick to the rehab, and to everything the doc tells me. Which means I'm gonna need Tess's help so I don't cheat. Because in the last 36 hours, I've done alot of cheating. And thats no good. Because I know I'm done with softball for the summer, and fall. But I could possibly be ready for ski season, if I'm ready to go by 6 months... by 6 months, it'll be January/February, and that'll leave the last half of the season. I am hoping that I can make that deadline... because in the winter, all I do is go to school, go to work, and ski. I rock the ski bum look!!!

But anyways... this is what I'm going to be stuck with for the next couple of months, and then a lot of PT, and everything else... 

But, I'm making ski season this year baby! Ski season 2011-2012! YEAH!!!

Well, there goes the rest of my summer. And fall. And Winter...

We had a softball game Tuesday. Exciting stuff. Til I got up to my first at bat, and tore my ACL. I had a couple of flexibility tests done on it that night, and I need to get a CT/MRI to confirm it, but we're pretty certain that it's torn, or at the very least, a severe strain. So I'm on crutches til Monday at the very very earliest. And then 6 months of recovery, if I don't have to have any surgery, and up to a year if I do. So softball is over. Skiing is most likely over. :( Everything that makes me, me, is done. At least for the next 6-12 months...

I'm afraid of relationships... relationships of any kind... friends, family, boys... anything. Because everyone has let me down... especially family. Everyone I had ever cared about, and stuck my neck out for, has left without a look back. Missy was the biggest one. I cared like crazy. And she knew everything about me... and then out of the blue, she was done with me. Done. Over. The same thing is happening with Christine right now. And I'm afraid that its going to happen to Tessie. Because she told me the other day that I'm her best friend. And every best friend I have ever had, has cut me off for bigger and better people. I really like Tess... she's a really great person, and she treats me like a person that's worth something. I just can't be let down by one more person...

I feel like the giving tree...

The tree loves that boy so much. Whatever the boy wanted, the tree gave it. And the boy takes, and takes, and takes until all that's left is a stump. And thats how I feel... I love people so much... especially Missy... that I give and give and give, until I'm just a stump. And I just keep giving... and keep getting left behind.

I have the greatest friend in the world...

My friend Tess is officially the greatest person in the entire world. Here is why.

She was having a bad day, and apparently, I made it better. By giving her a cold Dr. Pepper, a Pie breadstick, and listening to her talk. But she really had an impact on me, she talked me through a lot of things, and when she left, I didn't really feel any better, but I did know I had a friend on my side. A few hours later I missed a call from her. And when I heard her voicemail... not gonna lie, it made me cry a little bit. She made me feel worth it... like I'm worth something to the world. I feel like I've got a really great friend on my hands here... :D

I play fast pitch softball on Tuesdays. I absolutely LOVE to play softball... It's  pretty much the love of my life. :D But seriously... Its been the greatest outlet of negative energy this summer. We have our games on Tuesdays, and then we will have practices on Mondays and Thursdays. Almost no one comes to the practices, but its fine with me, because I get some really good fielding practice. Already, I have seen a HUGE difference in my fielding because of the high amount of balls, and one-on-one practice I have gotten. When I was in high school, I was mainly a catcher, but I've getting more reps at 3rd, because Tessie is our catcher. I LOVE playing 3rd. I fit really well there. Because I was a catcher, I have a great arm, and quick reflexes... so I am quick enough to scoop up a slapped ground ball, and have the strength to throw the ball across the field to Keni at 1st. Our team isn't exactly what you'd call a championship contender, but we have fun with it, and that's all that matters. Our success has also been ham-stringed by the fact that our team, made up of girls up to 7 years out of high school, is playing against high school teams, that have been playing together on that level all spring. But it's fun, and that's all that matters to me. We're thinking about getting a slow pitch team together for the fall... I hope we do!!

So even though I didn't have the greatest day today... Tessie, made it better, and showed me that I'm worth it, and that I'm worth loving, and caring about. And that makes me smile!

Lonely...

I'm in a brand new town. With brand new people. I'm in a city with 1,130,293 people in it... and a week after I move here, I got dropped by my best friend, Missy... for reasons I keep to myself, because I don't know how to understand them, much less explain them to anyone else. She introduced me to 3 people. Of those 3 friends she introduced me to, before she threw me to the dogs, one is amazing, I couldn't hid that if I tried with all my heart and soul. She is a fantastic friend, and she will be blessed a thousand times over. Another doesn't know I exist because he is so entangled in his own Hollywood good looks and award winning charm. So I've stopped trying. And the last has admitted that she really doesn't want me around.

I love Christine. She can be a fantastic friend. She's helped me move, she's helped me smile when I couldn't remember how, and she's been one of the greatest role models I have, of how to be the best Latter-day Saint woman I can be. And yet, she can get in a mood, and she can be mean, and rude, and tear me down like a Jenga Tower. She's told Tess that if she knows that I'll be hanging out with them, that she probably won't be too talkative. She's been wanting to talk to me about some things... she asked Tess to not tell me, and I respect that.  But I don't know what I've done to hurt her. I don't know what I've done to offend her. I just don't know what I've done. And it hurts.

She also has said that she can't trust me based upon my past... a past that she had nothing to do with. A past that she's only heard about through Missy... someone who stabbed me in the back. She needs to get to know me, from me. Not from anyone else. And she won't give me the opportunity to show her how amazing I can be. Because I can be an awesome person. I've made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes everyday. I work hard to be the best person I can be. I am working so hard to be a worthy member of the Church, and to keep a recommend. But I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I feel so awful about myself when I feel like someone is judging me based on the past... when they haven't seen the present.

Well... that's enough of my ranting... I'm just frustrated. And I'm probably over thinking everything... I hope I'm over thinking this. Because I don't think I can take losing another friend right now... my life is too unstable to lose one more person that means something to me. Because she means something to me.