Melissa's not a bad person. She's done some shitty things. She's been a liar, an (emotional) cheater, and she's been completely inconsiderate, but she's a good person. She's kind. She's smart. She's compassionate (most of the time). She left me suddenly, and left me in the dust emotionally, but she didn't leave me physically (no... I'm not referring to sex), and she didn't leave me emotionally. Because we were engaged, and we were planning (or at least I was planning) to spend our lives together, we pooled money. My money was her money. Her money was my money. Mi casa, su casa. (Right? Me no hablo Spanish). When she broke up with me, we still continued to share finances, because it would have ruined both of us financially. She still gives me rides to work. She complains about it sometimes, because it can be an inconvience, but she has still done it. She's a good person.
Could I trust her? Probably not in the beginning. Not with everything anyway. Deep down, she's not a liar. Until all this shit hit the fan, I don't think she had ever purposefully withheld information about things. And if she did, then I'm just pathetic, because I didn't pick up on it. There would have to be ground rules. No alone time with Megan. Ever. I can't really set a rule that she can't ever see Megan, because they work together, but I can say that. She would have to answer her phone if I call, and if she does miss it, she would have to call me back as soon as she gets it. I'm sensitive to the excuses of "I'm just going to go for a drive", because its been proven that those drives more often than not are engineered to go see Megan. I would be able to read her texts with Megan, or at least have her read them with me. I don't need all the details, but I need something to prove that she's not going behind my back again. But eventually, I would forgive her. Completely forgive her.
I believe in second chances. I believe that people can change, and can genuinely be remoreseful for the things that they do. I get it. I've been given second chances. Sometimes, third and fourth chances. Melissa's given me second chances. I'm not completely innocent. Every relationship has it problems. We had gotten out of the "lovey dovey honeymoon stage", it wasn't easy. But love is about making it work even when the easy thing to do is bail. Love is hard. It takes work. I was, and still am, willing to put in the work to make it worth it.
She wasn't willing to put in the work. There's nothing I can do about it. Being powerless is the worst feeling.
I agree that being powerless feels and IS awful. THE worst. I, too, believe in second chances. I am glad that you would want Melissa fully in your life again- I would want that for you, too. You sound happiest when you are talking about her. I can tell you really love her a LOT.
ReplyDeleteHappy day, Duck
Another question: what is behind the name of your blog? It is rather catchy and I like it, but do not know how it came to be?
ReplyDeleteI do love her. And I'm happiest when I'm with her.
ReplyDeleteMy blog's name was actually not my idea :) my good friend Nick and I went to high school together. We discussed over lunch one day, what we would name out band if we ever formed one. The product? The Noncommittal Pholanthropists :) 4 years later, I asked him if I could use it for my blog :)