And The Lord Sayeth to His Disciples... Vote For Abi!

So... I don't normally do this... but eff it... doing it anyway.

My friend Abi Harrison is a comedian. And she competes against boys... because she's awesome. Right now, she is the ONLY girl, and is up against 29 other guys.

And she's in 3rd place. Because she's awesome. Duh.

So help a girl out! She's hilarious, and we need her to win. It's going to launch her career into high gear, and we need more women in comedy. You can only vote once a day, but you can vote everyday til next Monday. She's Mormon... but this ain't your BYU Mormon comedy. Vote for Abi!!

Here's her entry video, and the link to vote.

Here's some of her other awesomeness...

11 Reasons Why Men Don't Need The Priesthood

1. A man's place is in the Army.
2. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibility of being a parent.
3. The physique of men indicates that they are suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to do ministerial tasks.
4. Man was created before women, obviously a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment rather than a crowning achievement of creation.
5. Men are too emotional to be elders or high priests. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.
6. Some men are handsome. This will distract female worshipers.
7. Bishops and Stake Presidents need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
8. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus, they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
9. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position that all men should take.
10. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, or perhaps even lead the song service on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.
11. Men don't need the priesthood. They have fatherhood.

More of Maggie's Mayhem

I had to go to the bank yesterday... It was only about a mile walk to and from, so I decided to take my dog, Maggie with me. She was great on the entire walk... Except she doesn't really grasp the concept of walking beside me, or walking in front of me. She instead will walk directly in front of me, and slow down, which results in me stepping on her heels. Then she gets mad at me, and nips at my heels.

*sigh*

But that's not the point of this. We walked up to the bank, and was just going to use the ATM, but apparently this branch is super dog friendly, so they let us come in and just go to the counter. Maggie was great, and the teller even gave her 2 dog biscuits because she was so good. So I had her do some tricks... Sit and shake. She's a ham, and an absolute attention whore, so I am convinced that she was doing it for all of the attention, rather than the treat.

Guess what she did with it after we walked outside?

She buried it.

Right there in the flower beds. With the entire bank staff watching (and laughing) as well as plenty of normal, everyday pedestrians going about their daily business.

I just laughed... What else could I do. I tried to dig it up and give it to her. She just reburied it. I tried to give her the second one... But she buried it too. And she looked just so proud of herself, with the dirt in her beard, and smeared all over her face. Her expression was, "Look Mom!! Look how smart I am!" Yeah... A smart ass.... :)

That's my dog for ya... Just a day in the life.

Here's the damage:

In Other News

So I'm at the Coffee Garden in the 9th & 9th neighborhood in Salt Lake City. I ordered a hot chocolate, because the only seat available was next to the door, and it freezing outside. (For those of you outside of Northern Utah, Mother Nature decided to blanket us in 18-24" of snow over the last 2 days... and Snowbird got a whopping 50"!)

This was the heat sleeve they gave me... (I think they know...)

Updated Doggie Name List

In addition to "Dog Face", "Bat Ears", and "Bad Maggie" on the doggie name list, this new namesake has been added:

"Puppy Killer"

On her walk this afternoon, she encountered a puppy. And the puppy was smelling her hoo-hah, and she wasn't havin' any of that...

Bad Puppy Killer. Bad.

BTW, she now has her own twitter account, to broadcast all of her evil doings. Follow it up, y'all. @Maggies_Mayhem. And I'm @ellenkoester. Obviously.


*DICLAIMER* Maggie didn't actually "kill" the puppy... She just got really angry at the puppy. "Puppy Killer" just sounds so much cooler.......

Maggie Mayhem

Some of you may know her from the movie "Whip It" (brilliant movie, if I do say so myself... And Ellen Page is HOT!) However, I know Maggie Mayhem, as my dog. She is also referred to as: The Beast, Dog Face, Bat Ears, Deer Legs, and "Bad Maggie". You can obviously see how horribly her name suits her.

This is Maggie: (I'm writing this on the iPhone app... Not sure if they're going to show up or not). She is a 2 year old Border Collie-Aradell (sp?) mix. She's hyper, sheds like a maniac, and is FAR too smart for her own damn good. Technically, she's Melissa's dog, she got her after her dad passed away 2 years ago. But we're practically an old married couple now, and I've decided to adopt her as my own. I question that decision everyday.

The stories are never ending... There's the one about where she eats underwear... Or the one where she likes to drink out of the tub. Or the time where she laid down in the middle of 700 East in Salt Lake City (an extremely busy street). And then the time where she insisted sleeping on our bed... So Melissa and I put her bed on top of ours. (See picture below). She also has severe separation anxiety, and follows us around like a shadow. And the endless barking. Then there was the time that Melissa gave her a hair cut in the bathtub. Then the day we came home from work, and she had escaped from the bedroom, into the kitchen. No clue as to how that was accomplished. Countless stories of car rides (Melissa has a short cab pickup... Yeah...). She tries to chase cars while on walks... But only certain ones. She practically refuses to eat dog food, but then looks at us when we're eating with this sad puppy dog face saying, "But guys! This isn't fair! You're starving me to death!" Melissa and I read her thoughts and narrate them. She has a southern hick accent, by the way... We think it suits her nicely. She has this silent bark thing... and she is quite talkative without actually barking. And last, but not least, is that she enjoys licking things... Particularly boobs.

We even made a list! A list of things that are NOT for puppies. (note: this list is compiled of things that she has already done, and has been told NOT to do, touch, get into, etc.)

The List:

Dr. Pepper
Slingshots
Fortune Cookies
Countertops
Shoes
Burritos
Raw Meat
Lotion
Hamburger Helper
Laundry Baskets
Plastic Bags
Barking
Chocolate
Barking
Toilet Water
Underwear
Pizza
Goldfish
Backgammon
Hot Dogs
Trash Cans
Posters
Ellen's Boobs
Ellen's Legs
Ellen's Food
Ellen's Bed
Ellen's Face
(List is added to almost everyday)

I only have 3 simple rules...
1. Don't lick Ellen's face.
2. Don't eat Ellen's food.
3. Don't sleep on Ellen's bed.

Do you see a trend?

I have hair everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I can't escape it! No matter what I try on. And when I pull clothes out of the dryer, half the lint catcher is filled with Maggie hair. It's taking over the house!! I pull hair out of my mouth multiple times a day. It's driving me insane.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Wow... She's a bitch. This dog can't really be that bad."

She is.

Have you ever seen "Marley & Me"? Cute movie. Absolutely love it. Maggie is like Marley. But worse. But Melissa and I are like Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson (Melissa is Jennifer... HOT). We really do love her. Like ought now... She's laying on the bed (my side... So I can't stretch out my legs...), and snoring. She's adorable. Not hyper, not jumping on me, not licking me face... She's being good. And honestly, on the mornings that Melissa goes to work early, and I'm still in bed, she's a great cuddler. :)

There ya have it folks! You've officially met my dog. Want to hear more? Let me know... I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and on.............

I only need 5 things in life...

My roommate Jessica and I were in the kitchen tonight making cookies. It was nice to have some quality roommate time... since everything has felt so contentious lately. Anyways... out of the blue, she said (and I quote), "Ellen, I only need 5 things in life. Bread, butter, "Rocky", "Friends", and sex... with a husband of course." Those exact words came out of the mouth of my Molly Mormon, Returned Missionary, holier than thou, roommate. Hell has frozen over. And it made my day.
I only need 5 things in life too.
1. Snow (so I dont slide into a deep, deep, depression)
2. Chocolate (duh)
3. "Greys Anatomy" (duh)
4.  Fresh baked bread (yum)
5. Melissa (and all the benefits she brings along ;))
And there's my two cents.
"Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours." -Mr. Boring

To-Do List

I have a bucket list, and its awesome... it has alot of boring, predictable things on it, but things that I want to do nonetheless...

Here are a few new things that aren't so boring ;)

1. Wear a shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on a street corner.
2. Hire 2 private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
3. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
4. Make tapioca pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
5. Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C." Enjoy the show.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
7. Buy a horse, name it "Oscar Takes The Lead," enter it in horse races.
8. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."

EPICNESS

100 Reasons To Be A Lesbian

I found this on one of my lesbian friend's blogs tonight, and its freaking hilarious. This is all her, but I can relate to just about everything on this list. Read, and laugh... because it really is that funny :)



100 Reasons to be a Lesbian

1. Being able to say " What should I wear?" without getting made fun of by your boyfriend.
2. Sexy Santa outfits.
3. Because girls know how to be beautiful inside and out.
4. The way they get nervous.
5. Because you can't choke on a vagina.
6. Because the giggle or laugh of a girl who is in love with you is the most beautiful sound in the world.
7. Girls laugh cuter than guys do.
8. Girls get you.
9. Girls will be cute with you without being forced to.
10. She is the sun in the day, and the stars late at night, and when you're together, it just feels so right. I could never love a man like that.
11. The sound a girl makes when you nip at their lips or ears.
12. The way a woman's skin feels when you brush your fingertips against her.
13. Cute Halloween costumes.
14. The way they sound when they sing. The way they look when they dance. Swoon.
15. Belly button piercings are cute.
16. The dresses the women wore in "The Patriot".
17. I'm a lesbian because only girls can make my heart race.
18. If you had passionate sex with a woman then you'd know why I'm a lesbian.
19. Lady Gaga. She's got me like nobody.
20. Girl's lower backs.
21. Must I repeat the fact that girls are just cute?
22. Ladyparts > Manparts
23. Compare The Spice Girls to N*SYNC. Spice Girls win.
24. Have you seen the L Word?
25. I wanna be like Ellen and Portia Degeneres.
26. You don't have to lick balls.
27. You don't have to worry about kissing them with your lipgloss on... because they don't mind.
28. Christina Hendricks' breasts.
29. Girls aren't constantly adjusting their gentitals.
30. Megan Fox.
31. Because they don't have penises.
32. Joan Jett.
33. Angelina Jolie.
34. Nuff said.
35. All she ever needs is a look on my face to know what I want and how I feel.
36. You have an excuse to like Justin Bieber... He looks like one of us.
37. I can go into a gay bar and actually come out with a phone number.
38. Disgusted by men.
39. Because I can enjoy myself in the kitchen without hearing jokes about a woman's place.
40. Girls look better dancing.
41. To ruin every mother's dream wedding plans for her daughter.
42. Girls understand your love for kittens.
43. I'm obligated to be a lesbian because I like Tegan and Sara.
44. Girls look better in the morning.
45. I can actually have a platonic relationship with a man.
46. Girls know what girls like.
47. There are too many cute girls on tumblr NOT to be a lesbian.
48. Girls can sit with their knees touching without complaining about not having "room".
49. Girl's lips are softer.
50. The only problem with having an ex-girlfriend is the custody battle between clothes.
51. There were always more Barbie dolls than there were Ken dolls. Everyone can't date Ken.
52. I'm waiting on Kristen Stewart to come out of the closet.
53. Ellen Page.
54. Olivia Wilde.
55. Women are, more often than not, a fan of the felines.
56. They all love Tegan and Sara.
57. Women rarely tell you to suck it up and stop crying. Maybe she'll even cry with you.
58. Face it, women are just cuter.
59. Mom's are great... My kids will get two.
60. Sex is intuitive. Let's just say when you have the same parts, there's much less of a learning curve.
61. Look at a naken man. Then look at a naked woman. Now don't tell me that you seriously find the man more attractive.
62. Girls are way better kissers than boys. No thanks sloppy kisses.
63. Hello, have you seen Kiera Knightley?
64. Because body parts should not move on their own.
65. I like to be the one to pay for dinner once in a while.
66. Keep-in' it cool.
67. I love plaid.
68. NOTHING about a guy turns me on.
69. Girls are pretty.
70. Girlfriends know not to ask me if its my "time of the month" when I'm being difficult.
71. NO BACK HAIR.
72. Men's skin feels the same as sand paper.
73. Kissing someone with facial hair feels like rubbing your face on sandpaper.
74. We have similar interests in TV shows.
75. Legs, legs, and more legs.
76. We never have headaches.
77. Women don't sleep with their hand down their pants.
78. I don't want to be forced into a hunting trip.
79. We can eat lollipops without one of us getting the wrong idea.
80. Men don't get that telling us to calm down will only piss us off.
81. Men don't understand it when you say, "I need some ice cream RIGHT NOW."
82. I like to be the big spoon sometimes.
83. We can borrow each other's clothes.
84. Women don't burp on purpose.
85. I'll never have to do the dishes because "I'm the woman."
86. Boobs are always better than no boobs.
87. Only gay men take care of themselves as much as lesbians do.
88. It's all about the curves.
89. Barbies have always been better than Ken dolls.
90. I don't want a guido. Then again... I don't want a guidette either.
91. If you're not in the mood, blame it on cramps. Don't worry, she'll understand.
92. I'll never have to deal with beer guts.
93. Happy Trails. 'Nuff said.
94. Men are what they have. Dicks.
95. Women are gorgeous creatures.
96. Lesbians actually know what they're doing in the bedroom.
97. I don't have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant.
98. I don't want to ever HAVE to sit throught the Super Bowl
99. Have you SEEN Tool Academy?
100. Men have hair from head to toe. Literally.

We all need a little happiness...

I've had a crappy day... I decided to not go to church this morning... I was tired, and feeling lazy, so I decided I would be better off without today. WRONG! Pretty much the stupidest decision of my week. Not to mention that I missed out on flirting with the hot, sexy, man candy, Australian boy from my ward... that alone probably would have improved my day. ;) So instead, I moped around most of the day til Tess made my day by taking me out and taking pictures, and riding around on my scooter downtown. And then I played a joke on Tess... by taking her up City Creek Canyon, and turned down a dark alley, and turned off my lights. She was not amused... :)

But I found some fun jokes on the internet and in magazines that I thought I'd share... here goes...

• One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned. :)
• Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly says, "I don't believe you." "It's true," insists Daisy. "No bull." :)
• A young guy who's never picked up a golf club decides to take lessons. The pro shows him the basics, then says, "Okay, now try to hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice tees off and drives the ball 300 yards. It lands on the green, just inches from the hole. "Now what?" he says. "Uh," stammers the pro, "you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." The beginner says, "Now you tell me." :)
• Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose nametag reads "Beautiful." "Is that really your name?" I asked her. "No," she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like." :)
• Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine announced they have found a cure for baldness in mice. This is great news. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a mouse with a comb-over.
• A colleague's band performed in a park before an audience that gradually dwindled down to one lone man. After pounding out more songs, one of the tired musicians finally suggested to the music lover that if he left, they could all go home. "Do whatever you want," said the man. "I'm just waiting around so I can put away the chairs." :)
• A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear. Authorities suspect a cereal killer. :)
• A toilet was stolen from the precinct. Police have nothing to go on. :)
• Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence. Cops are looking into it. :)

Clear, concise headline are imperative to good news reporting. So what were the newspaper editors thinking when they printed these?

• Dead Man Ignored Police Officer (Scottsdale Arizona Republic)
• County Invited to Waste Day Planning Meeting (Oceana's [Michigan] Herald-Journal)
• Terror Leader in Iraq Declares War on Tape

Hope those brightened your day... they sure brightened mine.

There is one more thing to share however... I read PostSecret like crazy... I LOVE IT! But there was one particular one this week that was amazing... and it describes me to a T.

I'm Mormon, and I still think for myself. I do. I am free thinking, and I have my own opinions. So many people who are not members of the Church believe that we are a cult, and that everyone is forced to think and believe a certain way. And that just is not the case... The Church influences my opinions, and many times, I have the same opinion as the Church. But I still make my own opinions. I exercise my agency. C'mon... I'm a political science major for crying out loud! I'm about as opinionated as anyone can be! And I'm opinionated about EVERYTHING!!! :) I love it.... and it sure isn't changing anytime soon!