I should probably try to make writing a more regular past time...

So its been roughly a month since the last post I made (other than the one a few days ago) and it seems like there are people out there who actually read this... kudos to you... its a pretty lifeless, boring piece of work if you ask me... (then again... I did just proclaim to the world that I'm dating a woman...) Regardless... I am going to make a concerted effort to not be so boring and lifeless, and to be instead... well... something else.

As my few, fine readers know, I am studying Political Science at the University of Utah... but that I actually major in skiing. Best snow on Earth... with the exception of this season, which has been all but a dud. So, I've concentrated on my more formal course of study... hoping that it will whisk away my depressed mood about the lack of snow. How wrong I was...

I'm working on my thesis paper this semester since I'm not taking classes (I'm broke... no money for tuition, much less anything else). I decided to scrap my previous topic about terrorism being classified as a war crime, and instead, am playing around with ideas about politics and religion... how they relate to one another, and their affects on one another. Its daunting, and all new research needs to be done, but it'll be fascinating, and I'm excited to learn.

Other than that, there really isn't much to tell... my life is pretty boring. Not much going on...

Cheers!

First post in a long while

Jamie told me that I'm long overdue for a post. She's definitely right. :)

Quite a bit has happened in the last little while. Lots of good things, and plenty of bad. All in all, I think it all worked out for the best.

Today, however, I'm feeling bright and shiny... so I'm going to focus on the good. ;)

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful, and absolutely amazing girl. Her name is Jamie, and she is everything I have ever wanted. She gets me, and she respects me. She is unique, and funny. She has passions, and she genuinely cares about everyone she meets. She is smart and thoughtful, and she puts other people's needs in front of her own. She is the 6th sister out of 7 sisters... all born in a row. And she has a little brother born right at the end. Her family is wonderful. They are LDS, and she still respects the Church... she just can't find where she fits in the Church, while still being gay, and knowing that she can't change it. She respects that I am still active in the Church, and that I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and where I fit in this world, and within this Church. She respects it, and we frequently talk about our feelings about it.

She is wonderful... and I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have her in my life right now. She is a positive influence in my life. She brings out what is good in me, and she pushes me to be a better person, to be a better me.

She has her scars, and she has her baggage. But we all do. And I have more baggage and more scars than anyone else I have ever met. And we get through it. We get through the everyday struggles that girlfriends have. We have our share of arguments, and we have our share of hurt feelings. But in the end, we make up. We look at each other and see that being "right" wasn't what was important... its her. She is what's important. Us. Our relationship, and the love we have for each other. That is what's important.

And to anyone who actually reads this blog... and honestly, I highly doubt anyone does... but if you do (and especially if you know me), I am coming out right now... not coming out and saying that I'm gay, because I'm not. I still love men. And I love them a lot. So I'm not gay, and I might be bi... I really dont know yet... but what I do know, is that I love Jamie Merrill. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I'm dating a girl. So what? She's beautiful, and she certainly smells better than a sweaty, smelly guy. And her face doesn't scratch me when I kiss her. She dresses better than a guy, and she'll rock out to Taylor Swift with me anytime I want. And we can share clothes. 5 very good reasons to date women... just throwing that out there. ;)

In other news... the skiing sucks this winter... and that's just downright depressing....

Long time no see

What I did today:

Kissed someone cute. Win.

Tried to sleep. Didn't happen

Went skiing. Awesome.

Ate Cheetos. Yum.

Drove to Alpine. Got lost.

Hung out with Jamie. Sweet.

Lazy day... nothing to report.

Peace!

Wintervention

Last year's Warren Miller Film is called Wintervention. Johnny Mosely narrates, and he's hosting a fake radio show for a "crisis hotline" where the Warren Miller athletes call in and talk about their addictions. Their addictions to snow. 

It's hilarious. It makes me laugh, because there are so many people like that in the world! I'm definitely one of them. I'm going to go through some major withdrawals this season because I'm not going to have 60 days on snow like I did last winter. My goggle tan line is going to be pathetic, and I'm going to feel like a pansy only being on the mountain once a week (sometimes twice depending on my days off) instead of 5-6 days a week. Its going to be sad, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. 

My name is Ellen. I'm a skier in Salt Lake City. And I'm a ski-aholic. I'm in need of a wintervention.

Oh, and Johnny Mosely, you are more than welcome to come to Salt Lake and implement the wintervention :)

That icky nasty feeling....

I really try to be a good person. I honestly do. I want to be a good friend, and I want to be a good, worthy member of the Church. I want all this. And I try really hard to do what's right, and be the very best person that I can be. I look at the examples of President Thomas S. Monson, and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and I try to be like them. I look at my friends, I look at Lara, Tess, and Keni, and I see their examples, and I see their efforts to be good people. Therefore I see how worthy LDS women should act, and how they dress and I hear the words they speak. I see the women that worthy priesthood holders seek... I want to be like them. I want to be a worthy LDS woman that a cute, worthy boy in my ward, or at the institute, would be attracted to. I need these things in my life.

But I'm not perfect. I'm trying to get back into the Church, and that is really hard... not because I don't want to, but because the repentance process is so difficult, and there are so many things that I have to admit and work through that make day by day work so hard. It's worth it, but it is so difficult. I know its something I need to do, because I want to go to the temple one day. I want to be able to go to the temple, pure and clean. And I want to be able to go with my husband to be, who will be pure and clean, and worthy to take me there. I know that this is what I want! I'm just so afraid that I won't have the backbone to stand up and do it. I'm afraid that I will chicken out and take the easy way out again. And I don't want to do that anymore. 

I went to a different ward today... the Ensign YSA ward (which might be the ward I'm going to be moving into... not sure yet though. We shall see). It was testimony meeting today. And I got up and bore my testimony, but after another boy in the ward bore his. We have a similar story. He walked away from the Church, but kept feeling the empty, nasty feeling of the lack of faith in his life. And he finally decided to come back, and repent. I got up a few minutes later, and I said the same thing. It shows that there are people all throughout the Church who struggle, with whatever the sin or temptation, both men and women, and both young and old. People came up to both of us after Sacrament Meeting and thanked us for our testimonies... which for me, was a little surprising... most people in the YSA wards in Utah are pretty judgmental, and they don't talk to the people who are less active because (and I quote... a friend told me this was her opinion) "I don't want their bad influence to rub off on me." I thought that was funny... why wouldn't you want to have your good influence rub off on the people like me who are and have been less active. So that was a nice little surprise today. :)

I want to be a better person. I just hope that I can have the strength and the perseverance to pull through it. I really hope that I can. 

On a happier, more upbeat note... some of the resorts are opening this week! Brighton and Solitude will be opening this week, and I'm super excited! And our Employee Appreciation Day (where we get cost+10% on store merchandise) is on Thanksgiving Day... so I'll be buying my bindings on that day, and getting them mounted soon after. :) So thats exciting.

AND I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!! It's a 1996 Chevy Blazer! 4WD, 4 Door, and a factory rack for a Thule rack for my skis and other people's skis. It'll be legit. I'm so happy I was able to find something, and I couldn't have found and bought it on a better day. I bought it 2 days ago, on Friday. Friday night and Saturday morning, it snowed. SO HAPPY!!! :D :D So yeah, it was legit. Pictures to come a little later. 

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the day. I really didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer... but it was a big thing on my mind today... just because I have had so many people condemn me because I am imperfect, and make mistakes. Some mistakes I know about, and other mistakes that remain hidden because some people can't cowgirl up and confront a situation, and instead act like a 4 year old about it. (Sorry... that one bugs the living hell outta me) But all in all, I think I'm doing ok... we'll see how it all goes. 

Let me know what ya'll think... if anyone reads this anyway. And Missy... I really hope you read it... not just this post, but all of them. Let me know if you do...

Life-long Vagabond

Well... I'm on the move again. Still staying in Salt Lake, but I'm moving houses again. I've been living with Tess and Andy for the last few months, and I have loved it. They are fantastic people, and I love them. But they are wanting some space, and some one-on-one time with each other... and quite honestly, I do not want to be around for the "one-on-one" time ;) if ya know what I mean. So, they gave me til the end of November to find a new place. Which is more than enough time. Sucks that I have to move again so fast, but, it'll be alright. :)

When looking for a place there are a few things that are important...

1. I need my own room. Not that I don't like to share a room, because if I room with the right person I love it. (like my roommate Mackenzie last year... that was amazingly fun!) But I've gotten to the point where I like to have my own space, and to have a space to go and be alone if I want to.
2. My roommates need to be LDS, or live LDS standards. I'm getting back into the church, and I need all the help I can get so I don't fall off the wagon again. They don't have to be LDS necessarily, but I just cannot live with girls who go out and party, and drink and have boys over every night. Because I'm afraid that if they do it, I'll do it. And I can't do that right now.
3. I need it to be affordable. Under $300/month if I can.
4. And I need to be as close to school OR work that I can. 

Which brings me to my next point.

I was looking on KSL tonight, and I found an apartment that fits all the bills, except the last one. (It would be just about the same distance from work and school as I am now in Taylorsville) Its a little house 4 bedroom house, 4 girls to the house, $200/month, and everyone is LDS. The only little hang up is that its in East Millcreek. Literally 5 minutes from Missy's parent's house. So close that I am in her home singles ward... the same ward her younger sister Kristine goes to, and the same ward that she will go to when she is in town... which is going to be super awkward... seeing that she hates me. The price is right. The roommates are right. The house is right. And the location is perfect... leaving Missy and the her family out of it. I want to go for it. I really really do. I just don't want to accidentally create drama by moving there. Because I do not, under any circumstances, want to make my life harder than it already is.

But I think the biggest perk is going to be that I am right off the I-80/I-215... which means I am worlds closer to the ski resorts than I am here in Taylorsville :) That makes a big difference on my decision too :D

Skiing isn't a sport. Its a state of mind.

I've been watching a lot of Warren Miller films lately, and have been listening to a lot of my "ski playlists" on Pandora, and iTunes. Its been getting colder, and I'm starting to break out my ski stuff, and winter clothes. I've bought my new skis, and just have to get bindings for them. I've gotten a new jacket, and pants. I'm super stoked to get out there, and break it all in, and the wait is killing me. I'm SO excited for the season!!!

A lot of people kinda look at me weird when I tell them I'm a big skier. They don't understand what it means when I say that I clock in about 40 full days on snow. I eat, sleep and dream about snow. I look at videos, and vow that someday, I'll ski where they are skiing. I talk to sponsored athletes, and I promise myself that someday, I will be good enough to be sponsored. It's a long shot for sure... but it doesn't mean I can't dream big! This year, my skiing is going to be better than ever. I'm ready to leave it all out there. 

For me, skiing isn't just a sport. Its a way of life.

NEW SKIS!!!! :D

So I bought a new pair of skis 2 weeks ago. They are the Atomic Access. 

There are so many awesome, and have had a ton of awesome reviews. Its my new one quiver ski :) and I can't wait til I can take them out and absolutely shred! I am still thinking about the possibility of buying a pair of park specific skis though... I have seen a few pairs of Volkl Pearl skis for $179.97... they are normally $500! So that might be in the works. Who knows. :) For the Access, I am going to get the Marker Squire Schizo binding.

It allows you to move the placement of your bindings forward and back depending on the conditions you are skiing in. So if I want to ski frontside for the day, or in the park, I can mount closer to the front, or in true center. If we get dumped on 2 ft, then I can mount back seat for an infamous powder day :) So pretty much... its going to be epic!

Now... I found out something freaking amazing yesterday. I work at Sports Authority... and The Canyons offers Sports Authority employees free day passes with a shop card (which we will all receive) and our most recent pay stub. 

I called Canyons yesterday, because I had bought a season pass from them, and they were awesome enough to refund my money! So now its a question of if I want to buy a season pass somewhere else, or if I want to save the money, and buy a car. Right now I am leaning towards buying a car... because I really want to be able to get up to the mountain :D

Life is good today. Other than the fact that I exhauted, and that I dont feel well :( Oh well! 

Random Thoughts of the Day

1. Homework is never ending...

2. Chips and soda just go together.

3. SKIING

4. My apartment is always freaking hot...

5. I miss Frank the Tank.

6. Pepsi products are cheaper than Coke... so that sucks...

7. Frozen custard has nothing on ice cream.

8. Costa Vida is the shiz nit...

9. Midterms can kiss my ass.

10. SKIING

11. I lust over James Franco every time...

12. Ski season is only 57 days, 23 hours, 44 minutes away! :)

13. My goal is to have 50 days on snow this year!!

14. I LOVE The Fray!!

15. Soccer is going to be the death of me...

16. Kid in my institute class is freaking HOT.

17. Star Wars Risk is the greatest game ever made
18. SKIING

19. Plan Z... duct tape.

20. I got a spider bite today... ouch

21. I want to sleep

22. SKIING

23. SNOW

24. MOUNTAINS

25. I want cookies.

26. Should I cut my hair?

27. Where's Waldo?

28. I need some chocolate before I punch a baby...

29. SNOW

30. SKIING

31. SKIING

32. SKIING

33. Same shit, different day... 

Welcome to the chaos that is Ellen's attention span. I suffer from ADOS... Attention Deficit... OH SHINY!

I have no idea what I want in my life...

So... I'm dating this kid. His name is Zac. He's a cool kid, and I like him. But for some reason... now that we are dating, I have this weird, uncomfortable feeling about everything. I don't know... I have a hard time being able to see him, and be attached to him. Its like I have this mental block that doesn't let me love anyone else but that one person from last year. I can't get past the fact that I loved them. I loved them, and they broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I can recover from that. I'm broken.

Now onto school. I love school. And I'm loving my classes and my major. But the more I ski, and the more I learn, and develop a passion, and a knowledge base about skiing, the more I don't want to study politics... and the more I want to stay in the ski industry. I'm already a total ski bum in the winter time... clocking almost 50 days on snow. I just bought a new pair of skis, and have bought a season pass to The Canyons in Park City. I just cannot focus on anything other than snow, and trees, and steeps. My classes are important, and I know that I'm studying the right thing in school... but I just cannot focus. :( My Comparative Politics class is kicking my ass, so is my Party Politics, and European Politics class. I work my ass off trying to keep my grades up... I study at work, I put my boyfriend second, to go to the library for the rest of the night instead. I never see my friends, or my roommates because I'm working full-time, and studying full-time. I'm exhausted. 

I don't know what I want anymore. I am so confused. I have no idea.

School's Starting!!

Well... here we go again! School is starting up again, and its back to the books. YAY! Its my first semester at the University if Utah this fall, and I'm super excited! My schedule for the semester is as follows...

Intro to Law and Politics (POLS 3200)
European Politics (POLS 3410)
Intro to Comparative Politics (POLS 2200)
Political Parties (POLS 3120)

This is going to be an intense semester... but an awesome one nonetheless! Super excited!!

In other news, I had an interview with Sports Authority the other day as a skiing sales associate! Hope I get it, because that means that I'll be able to get my ski bum on a few months early :D Which means that winter is essentially starting in August :D And that makes me super happy!

Also... I'm moving in with Tessie and Andy. That'll be fun. We'll see how Christine reacts to it... see if she hates me even more for it. Who knows. I'm to the point where I want to ask her if she has any interest in being my friend... but that'd be just bitchy of me, and I don't want to be the bitchy friend. So who knows. But this could be fun. Because we spend a whole lot of time together anyway, and it'll save us a ton of gas :) But yeah. Thats what's going on in the life of Ellen. Not to mention that I'm going on a date tonight!

And The Results Are In....

Well I went to the doctor yesterday. And the verdict is in... I have a torn ACL and a severe MCL sprain. This is what the inside of your knee looks like... :D

Now the part in the blue is your ACL ligament, and the one in green that you can barely see is your MCL ligament. They are 2 of the 4 major ligaments that hold your knee together. And these ligaments, the ACL in particular, is what gives your knee stability... it allows me to make quick cuts, and turns, and everything while playing sports. After tearing it though, I can feel everything being very unstable... its almost like I can feel it wanting to buckle out from under me. Which is bad...

So I went to the doctor yesterday. They took a CT scan, but it wasn't clear enough to see exactly what was going on in there, so they took an MRI scan. The MRI confirmed that I tore the ACL, but they still aren't sure if it needs surgery, so they put me in this big huge brace (see picture below) and are waiting to see if it starts healing on its own, and if it does, I won't be needing any surgery. Which would pretty much be the greatest thing in the entire world. But while I was there, the doc told me that if I would have rotated any farther when I did this, I would have torn the MCL too. Which is kinda nuts. But the recovery time is anywhere from 3-12 months... it all depends on how well I stick to the rehab, and to everything the doc tells me. Which means I'm gonna need Tess's help so I don't cheat. Because in the last 36 hours, I've done alot of cheating. And thats no good. Because I know I'm done with softball for the summer, and fall. But I could possibly be ready for ski season, if I'm ready to go by 6 months... by 6 months, it'll be January/February, and that'll leave the last half of the season. I am hoping that I can make that deadline... because in the winter, all I do is go to school, go to work, and ski. I rock the ski bum look!!!

But anyways... this is what I'm going to be stuck with for the next couple of months, and then a lot of PT, and everything else... 

But, I'm making ski season this year baby! Ski season 2011-2012! YEAH!!!

Well, there goes the rest of my summer. And fall. And Winter...

We had a softball game Tuesday. Exciting stuff. Til I got up to my first at bat, and tore my ACL. I had a couple of flexibility tests done on it that night, and I need to get a CT/MRI to confirm it, but we're pretty certain that it's torn, or at the very least, a severe strain. So I'm on crutches til Monday at the very very earliest. And then 6 months of recovery, if I don't have to have any surgery, and up to a year if I do. So softball is over. Skiing is most likely over. :( Everything that makes me, me, is done. At least for the next 6-12 months...

I'm afraid of relationships... relationships of any kind... friends, family, boys... anything. Because everyone has let me down... especially family. Everyone I had ever cared about, and stuck my neck out for, has left without a look back. Missy was the biggest one. I cared like crazy. And she knew everything about me... and then out of the blue, she was done with me. Done. Over. The same thing is happening with Christine right now. And I'm afraid that its going to happen to Tessie. Because she told me the other day that I'm her best friend. And every best friend I have ever had, has cut me off for bigger and better people. I really like Tess... she's a really great person, and she treats me like a person that's worth something. I just can't be let down by one more person...

I feel like the giving tree...

The tree loves that boy so much. Whatever the boy wanted, the tree gave it. And the boy takes, and takes, and takes until all that's left is a stump. And thats how I feel... I love people so much... especially Missy... that I give and give and give, until I'm just a stump. And I just keep giving... and keep getting left behind.