15 June 2013

Are Y'all Getting Sick Of Me Yet?

I know I'm posting a lot. And I'm sure y'all are getting really annoyed with it. I can understand... I'm ranting and raving, and feeling sorry for myself. I get it. But I do better when I get all the venom out of me, so that when I do bite, it only stings for a little bit, instead of slowly poisoning you to death.

Tonight is the first night where I have slept alone... And I haven't slept alone for about 10 months now. I don't know how to sleep without a warm body next to me. I have Melissa's dog Maggie, which helps, and she's being so good curled up next to me. But it's not the same. Nothing's the same. 

I'm alone. And not just in my bed tonight, but in the world. I am alone. I don't have family. I don't have a ward in Church. I don't have anyone. Normally it doesn't bother me to be this alone, because its been this way for so long. But then I met Melissa, and everything changed for me. I was happy again. I was putting down roots. Everything came together. 

Until it fell apart.

Hopefully Maggie won't mind if I kiss the top of her head all night...


  1. I just want you to know that I'm not sick of you. In fact, I don't even know you, but I feel for you. I feel I connect to what you're saying, even though we don't know each other at all.
    Writing is quite cathartic to me. It's like I download all of my feelings onto paper. Hopefully it does something similar to you.
    Also, I consider you tremendously lucky that you were ever able to find someone who loved you, even if that is gone now.

    1. I definitely feel the same way about writing... I never realized how therapeutic until now.

    2. It's the reason I'm alive right now. I was really depressed and had decided to end my life. Making sure I was covering all my bases, I decided to check out USGA before doing anything. It was maybe the second time I was there that this talked about journals and therapy. It was quite surprising. I had heard of those things-- from people I felt couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from. But this guy was just like me- only he seemed to have already survived.
      I took his advice. And now I'm alive.

    3. You're a part of USGA?? We need to be friends. Not to lessen the importance of the rest of your comment, but seriously.

      I'm thankful that I never have gotten that far to the edge. But I am thankful that you are still here. You obviously have valuable things to offer the world :)

    4. Facebook says my message will arrive at your Other folder :)

  2. My friend,

    I've been reading your blog for like the last twenty minutes. I'm sorry life is hard for you right now. You're going through things I never have.

    You are strong. I want you to know that. All you want is happiness and fulfillment. I'm not sure how the world has to change in order for you to find that for yourself.

    You know who I am and a little of my history. I don't consider you to be a bad person just because you "aren't like me". As President Uchtdorf quoted, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." I don't.

    I like to think I'm your friend. We met over a year ago. I've given you rides home. You came to my wedding reception. As I've read your blog over time, I rejoice at your happiness and my heart breaks at your sadness.

    I will never know what you are going through. But know you have friends.

    When I broke up with my first girlfriend (at age 22) it was the weirdest feeling. There was a part of my heart that had been enlarged to make room for someone else, and though I had been single my whole life, that 5 month relationship had changed me. Where before had been nothing, there was now an emptiness. Now I've been married 10 months, and the place my wife has in my heart is not trivial. I can't imagine losing her. I can't imagine the pain associated with an affair.

    (I'm sorry that sometimes I post things on FB that look innocent to me but cause you pain. In your trials, you don't need extra.)

    Know you have friends. Know you aren't alone.

    1. :) You make me happy, and I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. And I absolutely consider you as a friend. You're awesome.

      You have never been insensitive, nor caused me any pain with things on FB... you always are able to articulate your thoughts and opinions in a very intelligent and empathetic way. I reply to a lot of them, simply to put another opinion into the mix. I think we are both articulate ourselves well.

      Thank you for your kind words. I've broken up with people before, and it gets better. But I have never been broken up with because there was an emotional & intimate affair... let alone while I was engaged to be married.

      You're awesome. And we need to be better friends. Let's fix this shall we?